Gg

Hey all

I'm not very good at keeping journals but I keep being told it's a good idea so here goes....

I want to try to be as honest as possible about the behaviours behind my weight gain and what I discover as I progress with this journey.

I'm a food addict (with addiction tendencies in other areas of my life ...which I am still exploring) and am roughly following the 12 step recovery programe (Twelve-step program - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia).

I've been very lucky with my CDC as she is a qualified addictions counsellor. I'm also in psychotherapy (weekly) and have been for 6 months now to address a gradually increasing depression over the last 5 years. I've come a long way but it's like layers of an onion and the stuff I talk about now is completely different than that of 6 months ago.

At this stage I am nearly at the end of week 5 of the CD journey. I've had 2 major blips of binging.... the last one was Fri/Sat just gone where it's almost like I just refused to think about CD and focused instead on ringing for pizza. Although I ate it all I was aware of how I was "buzzing" as I made the call, and how agitated I was waiting for it. I don't really remember the eating of it ... just that I stuffed it down. I'm still struggling with this label "addict"; I mean we all have a picture in our head when we say the word "addict" but I'm beginning to accept it now as I "tick" all the major addiction behaviours when it comes to sugar/carb and caffeine addiction (caffeine for me in the form of chocolate).

So it's day by day......and trying to remember "there's no such thing as 'just one'" for me.

Hi Gg , sounds like you have the nest CDC that you could possibly get I am sure that you will crack this , I am trying to find something to replace food in my life . The problem is that food is so important in society .. when you think how to celebrate birthdays , christmas , etc food is always the focus . Food is used to celebrate , as a treat , as a emotional crutch ... so i personally am looking to find something to use in its place .. not easy !!!

You are doing so well , keep it up and keep letting us know your breakthroughs

So I've rebelled against writing this despite all my best intentions! I think seeing stuff in black and white makes things real and I'm all for avoiding reality at all costs!

So anyway the latter part of last week went well; am really feeling the loss in my waist and hips. I'm close to running out of holes on my belt which feels good as 2 months ago I couldn't get this belt on. I took some photos of my side, back and front view in a top I want to get into and will be taking them every Wednesday so I can see the weight loss. It was horrific facing up to the reality of how big I'd gotten. I mean I knew... but I didn't know if you get my meaning?

Saturday was busy, I was up early to drive to Dublin to see an old friend I've reconnected with and haven't seen since I was 18. We had a lovely 2 hours of drinking black coffee and he bought me the most gorgeous bunch of flowers (he's married and his wife knows all about me) so that really cheered me up! I drove home (an hour) and hit the gym and then came home and did some housework trying to resist the temptation to veg on the sofa. I then headed to a friends who sat there eating every type of crisp snack you can think of while downing wine after wine. I felt very comfortable drinking my fizzy water.

That carried me through Sunday but on Monday it felt like I took all my willpower, motivation and self awareness and put it in a box in my head and locked it away and ordered pizza and icecream at 12 noon. I ate it all and then went to bed for a few hours. I've been back on track since but am going through that "get back to ketosis" phase so feel a bit rotten. Talking it through with my therapist today I know what triggered it and am feeling OK about it. I am going to start keeping a hardcopy journal too during the day so I can try and learn to verbalise my emotions rather than bashing them down with food because they are uncomfortable.

TTFN

Re: Gg's recovery

GG, thank you for posting. It takes a lot of guts to face the truth and then trying to overcome the drive to eat.

I hope that you continue to win this one and getting straight back on when you fall.

Love and hugs.
Rosie xx

Hi Goreygirl, you're doing really well, it's not an easy journey we're on and it's bound to have it's ups and downs and blips. It's brave and good that you're keeping a journal on here, a written one for yourself is a good idea too (l've got a little notebook l've used since l started cd). You've got a really positive attitude, l've seen that from your posts on the team thread. It's hard sometimes, but l know you'll make it.

(have been writing in main forum instead of here so going to copy posts over so I can keep the blog up to date)

Wednesday 17 Nov 2010

Well I have spent the last 3 days on a major binge :'( My sittingroom is a sea of pizza boxes and I have been bouncing between the food and my bed (when I feel emotionally/physically sick from eating). My head has been a mess and rather than actually deal with the stuff in it (or use any of the tools my therapist has advised/taught me) I just defiantly ate and ate and ate to silence the emotions although it didn't really work because the truth has bubbled up anyway.

• I moved back to Ireland from UK last year as I felt really disconnected from everyone and felt a need to go back "to my roots". Although I love living near my sister and being involved with her family and seeing her kids regularly I haven't really built a life for myself outside that as I work from home. The lonelier I got the more I ate and the less confident I got as the weight went up... and around and around the circle went. With CD I have had a chance to "put myself out there" and it scares me to death!
• I work for a UK company from home and have just found out there is a rake of redundancies going on. At present my role is not affected but a "source" has told me our parent company wants to sell our division off in 2011/12; if that happens it's unlikely the new company will want to support my "special" set up. My industry doesn't exist here so the only work option would be to go back to the UK. I have mixed feelings about that as I still have a lot of good friends over there and have been worrying that moving home was a bad decision and a knee jerk reaction to my depression (an escape route) that I dressed up with rational reasons. Finding out about the potential sale has set my head spinning!
• A lot of my therapy has been about how I choose bad relationships to avoid emotional intimacy (sexting with married men, wounded birds etc). I have become more aware of this but a couple of weeks ago found myself planning a dirty weekend away with one of said married men! I dressed it up with all sorts of excuses but deep down felt so disgusted with myself. I cancelled it the other night but the disgust with myself remained. I so wanted to avoid facing this disgust I cancelled my therapy session this morning
• My CDC is wonderful but I am so worried about what her reaction will be. I don't want to face her disappointment in me

I've even been avoiding coming on here because it was an aspect of "reality" I wanted to avoid. I tried to convince myself that setting up the 30 day challenge would get me going but it didn't.


I now feel ready to face up to myself and start CD again tomorrow; in fact I am rather looking forward to regaining the sense of control it gave me. I'm going to ask my therapist can he fit me in later this week (knowing his all seeing eye he probably suspects i'm dodging anyway!).

(Thursday 18 November)

So I had my CDC visit today. I've put up a pound from the binge but I'm not bothered about that; I'm more focused on just working the plan and I'm going to let the numbers take care of themselves.

As a lot of you already know, but for those who don't, I am working CD as an addiction recovery process. Addiction behaviours also show up in my relationships, my behaviours around money and my sex life in various degrees (watch this space, it could be more!! I'm only half way through the PROMIS cross addiction questionaire; have 8 more areas to go!)

As with any substance abuse it took more and more food (drug) to try and get that "high" that I was chasing. My CDC has a background in addictions therapy so is being really helpful although is careful to make sure she retains a "support" role and leaves my therapist as my primary therapist (originally started seeing him for depression and oooh.. what a can Pandora's box we opened! Who knew I was an addict?? )

Anyway the topic today was my recent spectacular leap off the wagon and we tried to trace back where the "pre-occupation" began i.e. where my addict self began to take over from my sober-self. Addiction theory believes that if you can prevent pre-occupation your sober self stays in control ... once pre-occupation has become established nothing on earth is going to change the outcome...that drug is going to be used.

So I talked back the timeline of the last week to 10 days and identified the increasing stress I was feeling e.g. job issues, extended family issues (I want to move my Mum's ashes and her siblings are going to go mental if I do), relationship issue etc. We worked out how as I was working to avoid food I had slipped unknowingly into my sex addictive behaviours (although I dressed it up as something else). But deep down my sober self was trying to fight back so I became more uncomfortable with this cross addictive behaviour which caused more stress. I then had an ex pop his head up and start trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on and giving me all the "where would we be if X, Y, Z hadn't happened.... would we be married with kids... I still love you.... need to talk to you about my future...." etc..

So over the weekend I dealt one by one with all those issues and felt great doing it! As part of the weekend I took my sister to a hotel spa on Saturday and treated us both to a spa package. After that we went to lunch in a lovely local cafe (well she ate and I had coffee). She said when we were there that she'd completely forgotten about my CD and felt terrible for eating in front of me so I reassured her I was fine and it was OK and I was grand with my coffee and fizzy water. We then went back to her house (I was driving) and I stayed through dinner and X-Factor (with my shakes) and then I drove home.... and on Sunday the binging began! 5 takeaways, 4 choc desserts and 4 pints of ice-cream (including one for breakfast at 7.30 on Tuesday morning!) later I "came to" and sober self re-emerged.

So my CDC was giving me loads of positive feedback on dealing with the emotional stuff bit by bit, working through it and recognising the dysfunctional behaviours and correcting them. She then asked me what my reward was to myself for doing all this and I said "the spa"... but she pointed out that this had already been booked and asked me had I acknowledged to myself and commended myself for my positive coping strategies emerging. Of course I hadn't .. thought had never even occured to me! All I saw was the bad stuff and all I felt was the disgust about what I had nearly done. We paused for a moment to allow me to absorb that and then we moved on to lunch with my sister. She asked "so your conscious self was happy to sit there and have no food to finish off your bonding experience with your sister... .but what was your subconscious addict saying"... and there was the other starting point. I (we) work hard at CD! It has an impact on us every day particularly in social circumstances. For those of us with emotional issues with food it's bloody hard work to deal with those on a day to day basis ..... and my sister (not intentionally and this is not about "blame") said to me "I forgot you weren't eating" as she tucked into a panini! So essentially my addict self said "bollocks to that for a game of soldiers!! If no one is going to acknowledge all this positive hard work being done then neither am I.... food where are you???".

So the pre-occupation had been building for a few days and then coming home to a cold dark house on Saturday night was the final straw. Subconsciously the decision to call for takeaway on Sunday afternoon was made long long before I pulled the curtains in the sitting room, settled on the sofa and reached for the phone. That part was inevitable and those actions (sofa, curtains etc) are just part of my "ritual" and re-enfore the addict self's power.

(BTW I'm just writing this as it pops into my head so apologies if it doesn't read well; my fingers are just going on the keyboard).

So one of my exercises is a thing called "Problem solving and non-addictive ways of managing stress" which works to train my mind to learn how to identify the problem, clarify the problem, come up with a few alternative solutions and then examine the alternatives on offer with a focus on "what are the consequences". This will help me develop good judgement as it is possible to predict the consequences of most actions before hand (if you take a moment to pause and work through the process).

The other exercise is a "relapse calender"; I have to use the prompts on the sheet she gave me to track back the timeline to accurately reconstruct the sequence of the relapse. Once I know the "truth" of my relapse history it will be easier to deal with and avoid in the future (fingers crossed).

So that's where I am at the moment..... back to working the programme and trying to strengthen my "sober self".

If anyone would like these exercises I'd be happy to scan in the documents she gave me and send them to you.

As you can see from the previous posts I've been dodging reality the last week or 10 days and as a result have made my CD journey and life journey more difficult for myself.

I am so exhausted these days! I thought I had gotten part that part however my therapist says it is normal considering all the stuff I am digging up from my psyche. My dreams are very vivid too and filled with people and places from my past in all sorts of wierd combinations ..very bizzarre. They say this sort of dreaming is "arousal" dreaming ..meaning it affects your quality of sleep too because of hormone secretion it stimulates.

So sitting here today with my head swirling a bit and feel I could let the day just pass me by while I passively let it. My bike is in the bike shop and i've been meaning to get it for the last few days but resisting; I guess because while it's there it's an excuse for me not to be out on it. While if it's here........I love cycling (and used to cycle a lot in London to work etc and loved the sense of stamina and strength it gave me as I got fitter) but just now realised, as I'm writing this, that cycling now just makes me aware of how out of control my life got because even the smallest journey is difficult. But rationally I know when I first started cycling it was just as difficult and I built up stamina really quickly....so (as I read in Bellefrogette's journal) I have to let the past be past and focus on the now. So I am going to close down the computer and put on my trainers and walk to the bike shop so I can cycle the long way home.

TTFN

just back from picking my bike up.

Walked there in my MBTs and cycled back (5km) and it felt so good! Realised while I was walking there that for a long time now I've been fighting with my body... resenting it and feeling like it was hard work to live with... instead of seeing as a tool I can use to enhance my life. Last time I remember seeing my body as something that worked with me was in 2001/2 when I worked in Harrod's and used to cycle or walk to work 4-5 times a week through St James Park, past the Palace and over Westminster to London Bridge. It gave me time to enjoy the environment and I used to listen to a radio show (if walking) and would be giggling to myself listening to the 2 DJs' banter. Even walking to the bike shop (about a 20 minute walk) I realised how much I noticed; an old building I hadn't seen before, an old man in his garden tidying up his topiary who looked up and caught me admiring his garden so smiled and nodded hello. I realised I was feeling cheerful and had a smile on my face.

So have to work hard to train my mind to see my body as something that is useful to me....

Glad you had a good day.

gg, your posts are very very moving. i think most people who end up on CD have some sort of addiction to food. i know i do, i feel i deserve it when i have done well at something, use it to medicate myself when i feel low, have it and then curse myself when i need to vent at myself. its a prop for a lot of people so reading your diary is wonderful as its helping me address my own issues. i admit that they are nowhere near as bad as yours, but next time i reach for a pizza slice when i am not even hungry i will stop and think about WHY i am doing that?? hope you are well today!

so last night I went out with my sis, her OH, and 2 other friends ( a couple) who I introduced to each other when we were 16 (they got together 3 years later and now have 4 kids). As I'm now teetotal I was on driving duty so picked up the sis & OH and we headed over to a comedy show in Naas (which is a good 90 minute drive from my sister's house). The show was great fun and what's more, in comparison to a show I went to 3 months ago, I didn't feel fat and bloated and "huge" in comparison to everyone else and I didn't have to wedge myself into the seat! Those 6 inches I have lost off my hips make such a difference! I was wearing size 18 clothes comfortably (the jeans I've had for 18 months but never wore as they were too tight). I found I was able to just relax and focus on enjoying the moment and when those stray thoughts of negative self talk did start creeping in I just focused on the positive and shut them up! We then headed to a pub and laughed for the next 2 hours. My friend has such a dry sense of humour and we all just took the p**s out of each other for 2 hours. Rather than wondering "ohh... he said that... does that mean he doesn't like me.." I just took the banter as what it was.. loving banter and didn't assign motives to it. What a novel experience that was!.

By the time I dropped the sis & OH off and got home myself it was 3am and I fell into bed. The driving really took it out of me as all in all it was over 2 hours each way from my house to the theatre.

I'm now chilling on the sofa watching x-factor and surfing the net. The fire is burning and it's a horrible grey and wet day. Because I am still tired I can feel myself beginning to look for "comfort"... and I know if I don't do something active I am going risk getting into the "ritual" of my addiction behaviour so after x-factor I am going to sort out the kitchen and sitting room.. hoover etc. Then I will go to the gym and I have ironing for later this evening to keep me occupied.

Youre such an inspiration.

I've just spent the last hour treating my family like **** because I'm grouchy hungry and pissed off I can't have snack junk chocolate.

Grrr at myself.

So the house is clean, the laundry is on, my bike is all set up for a cycle tomorrow and i'll be sorting out my "running" gear before I go to bed so I can get up and go in the morning.

I'm still shattered and didn't make it to the gym but i've decided that's OK and am not stressing about it. I've had a productive afternoon and the house is sorted for the start of the week. Normally I'd have sat here all day vegging and by now would be feeling all guilty about the lack of activity/laziness and would feel negative everytime I walked into the kitchen and saw the stuff everywhere.

I've still got some stuff going on in my head about an ex BF that is in contact with me. Rob & I met in late summer 2004 and by 2005 we knew it was something serious. We were beginning to talk longterm plans when he discovered he had a child by his ex-fiancée he knew nothing about. The little lad was 5 at this stage and Rob hadn't seen his ex since they split up (after finding her with someone else). We had to go through the whole DNA thing and after that Rob totally shut me out and I eventually realised his head was too messed up. So I walked away but we never really stopped contact. Every couple of months there are texts etc (usually initiated by him). For the last 3 years he's been in a relationship with and living with her but is constantly telling me how miserable he is but how stuck he feels because he wants to live in the same house as his son. So now he wants to meet and talk while I'm over in the UK in the New Year (visiting friends). I'm a bit up in the air about the whole thing. I'm not sure why I'm still in contact with him and am trying to work that out as my therapist says I am getting something out of it (he suspects it's allowing me to avoid fully focussing on the future). So I think I am going to have to have to write an "unsent letter" (Dating Reflections of Your Mother and Father (Incls free unsent letter workbook) | Baggage Reclaim) to try and help me tease out of my subconcsious exactly what is going on in my head at the moment. At the moment I know it makes me feel sad, frustrated, angry, hurt, jealous, and used when I think about the whole situation and those feelings colour every interaction I have with him. I need to work out what is at the core of all this because until I can I won't be able to truly let it go and move on (either as friends or via no contact).

I'm not sure you can be friends in that circumstance. I've tried it; it doesn't work. He's getting what he needs (a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen/relate to him, someone who knew him 'before' the major life upheaval)...what are you getting? If you bring all those feelings you described to the interactions with him, ask yourself, if someone NEW in your life made you feel those feelings, would you pursue it with them?

Have you told him about your getting well and weight loss/self-discovery? If not, then you're not as close as you want/need to be to still keep contact.

He sounds like he's wrecking your head; while you try to build your life back together, you need to remove distractions/irritations.

My €0.02.

Thanks hon

I think I needed to hear that from someone else to face up to the reality of what I know myself. I used to think he was the "one who got away" but now I believe that if it hadn't been this kid thing it would have been something else that broke us up as he so easily turned away from me when it happened. In retrospect I can see now that deep down emotionally he just wasn't available for a proper healthy relationship.

And yes you are so right.. to him I am just an someone to give him an ego stroke. I'm the emotional equivalent of a booty call. As my fav site (baggage reclaim) puts it I'm his "fall-back girl".

BTW .. i saw about your OH being away and feeding the kids. Have you ever tried making up a big pot of spag bol and/or chile con carne and putting portions in the freezer? That way you only have to defrost when you are feeling less strong?

Gg, we have SO MUCH to talk about. I give you free reign to knock my head into the nearest wall when we meet; I have a similar type situation myself in some ways, only it's not romantic.

Yes, I did a pot of stew, spag bol, frozen and thawing out, etc...does help but it's 3 full days/nights that gets me. This week is more manageable, only 2 full days/nights to sort out. Soon, he'll be finished lectures and he won't be away at all then I plan on 'checking out' of kitchen duties completely.

I really appreciate your kind words to me; you're right. I have A LOT to process.

I've given in and shopped online!

I've gone for this dress Marcel Dress (if you look closely it's actually a very fine black and white mixture) and am picturing it with some fab shoes and a pendant.

I've ordered it in a 16. Myself and a couple of friends are talking about having a glam night out in February so I figure I'll aim for that and if I'm in it earlier then great

Gg, l love that dress.