Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

Well, I am starting my LL journey in a few weeks, on the 8th of January, and thought it is time to start putting down my thoughts, hopes, successes, dissappointments, etc. as I embark on what has got to be my last journey to lose this horrible shell I have been trapped in for far too long. It is time to live again. It feels a bit odd to be bearing my soul to a forum of faceless people - but people who I hope over time will become faceless people I will call my friends. I ask myself, 'would anyone really even be interested in reading your ramblings?' But it will be therapuetic I think, for me to do it. But I must confess - it is quite scary posting this none the less.

I must warn - I can go on. And on. And I can become very sentimental, emotional, sometimes even gushy. Once upon a time, I would offer to readers in a forum such as this a cookie if they made it to the end of my posts. In this case, I will offer a nice refreshing glass of water.

As my ticker indicates, I am attending my first session of Lighter Life on 7-1-08. And for the first time last night, I felt a fire in my chest. Desire. Desire to change. Forever. Once and for all. I know it is going to be one hell of a journey. One which both exhilerhates and terrifies me.

The exhileration comes from knowing, if I succeed, I will be lighter. In body and in spirit. And I am so very tired of being heavy in both areas. I have been trapped in guilt and grief for the past 14 years. And I have had an underlying sadness, if I am honest, most of life. While at the same time, being outwardly happy. Its very hard for me to understand myself....a bit of a kunundrum here. When I am active, and around others, I am happy, bright and cheerful. But there is always an underlying sadness. I have a few ideas where this may stem from. And I am sure I will address these issues on my journey. I must address why I do certain things - like why do I express my love in my art, in my creativity, but lack the ability to show the same deep feelings on a personal level - face to face. Why I feel unworthy, that my love will be unwanted. Is that why I use canvas, clay, - they won't show me the look of revulsion I expect-yet never get?

Man oh man - this is going to be one emotinal ride. That I know for sure.

What scares me about this, is the obvious previous attempts and failures. And severing the tie for months with the one thing I could always count on: Food. I could count on it for comfort. For company. For sport. For Joy. For sadness. For love. For loneliness. For anger. For punishment. For biting of my nose to spite my blumin face. For excuses. For isolation and protection. For all the BS one can imagine. It is my drug. And I am an addict. And I am scared.

I miss my family. I have been away 7 years, and while I see them once a year, this is the seventh Christmas I have not spent with my mother, brothers, friends. I have not told any of them what I am embarking on. I am not sure why. Is it to come home next year, half my size to surprise and delight? Or is it because I do not want to imagine them thinking to themselves, 'here she goes again...'?

Christmas makes me feel quite sad, as I lost my dearest friend 14 years ago at Christmas time. My Dad. And not a day has passed that is has gotten easier as so many people promised me all those years ago. I have only become a master at hiding the pain I feel each day and have resigned to the fact that part of me died in 1993 too. After 14 years, I cannot change the way I feel.....but I can change the way I deal.

Now I must face the things that I carry the guilt around for. I was never one to carry guilt - I have surprisingly become quite adept at it. Which is just an added weight to carry around. One would think I had enough of that already. I am not guilty for things unsaid. But maybe I feel this overwhelming guilt for letting myself and others down. For leaving my first husband - who ironically played a very significant role in my becoming who and what I am today? And whose deception caused me to make life changing decisions, which are irreversible and have caused great heartache. It surely is unhealthy to feel guilt when some would say he should feel guilty. Maybe he does. Maybe not. But that won't help me one way or another. Am I guilty for the two babies I lost so long ago? Or does that go in the grief section? It all gets very confusing. But the one thing that is clear - is I do punish myself. And in doing so, I punish others, mainly my husband. I am only half a person, so he loses out on a complete wife. I am lucky that he knows I am in there, that he has faith in me, and that he loves ME - no matter what. So I do this for me. And no one else.

I know the source of guilt for certain in one area of my life, and that is moving so far from my mother, at this late stage in her life. She turns 90 in May, and I am 6000 miles away - and I am terrified something will happen to her before I get back. Asd this too weighs on me daily. Maybe it is more fear then guilt - I know she only wants me to be happy - but I know she misses me terribly, and longs for me to return.

So many things to finally address rathar then squelch with food.

What I hope to find on this journey is the young woman that I one day decided was not worthy of love, whom I buried under this armour of fat. I believe I may have caught a very very brief glimpse of her looking back at me in the mirror a few days ago. Only a flash - but enough to let me know she is still in there. She must be as brave as I must. It is scary for both of us. She's been away a long long time.

That's enough for now.

 

[peanut]

Hey BL,

Im trying to quote part of your post here but cant get it to work so shall type it instead:

I cannot change the way I feel.....but I can change the way I deal.

BL, your post was so honest and I am glad that you shared with us all on minimins. Many parts reflect similar things in my life and I cannot tell you how good it feels to take control of this part of your life. I never thought i would/could. I have somethings in my life that have happeneded that same as you I cannot change how I feel about them inside - but i have changed how I deal with them. That line in your post was like it was written in flashing red bulbs for me.

I have been through a couple of major life events in the 2 months and started LL in the middle and do you know what I didnt turn to food once. It actaully felt amazing to have control of ME as I could not control the things that where happening around me as they where not mine to control. But i was in charge of me and what i put in my mouth and you know what - it made it all easier. And even while everything else was rubbish - I was getting thineer! Even small things when I would usually turn to food - like failing my driving test yesterday - I didnt do it. I watched X factor and had a cuddle instead and knew it wasnt the end of the world and that a curry would not suddenly mean i passed - just that i cheated on my diet instead and didnt want to do that!

I know what you mean about being 'half' of the person you actually are because of the sheild of weight. I felt the same... my sheild is coming away now and I tell you my smile has never been so big.

We are all here for you through your journey and you should be proud that you are giving yourself the best present in the world.

Well done you and it will be great I promise!

Penaut xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Peanut. As I was typing, I was thinkiong I was sure there would be some who would relate to some of what I said. I am going to be really glad there are people here like you - understanding is half the battle!! I am pleased for your success!!! And looing forward to mine.

 

[Zomble]

Oh my goodness, Blonde Logic, what a soul-baring post. I can see why you are so keen to get going, but also a bit anxious about it. Congratulations on seeing yourself so clearly, and every good wish in the world for the journey to the new (old?) you.

You sound as if you have just reached a point in your life where you need to change and reinvent yourself. That's where I am too, though I haven't had your troubles. I would say, though, that because I've been so clear about why I'm losing the weight, and because I'm just doing it for myself, I've found it easy to stick to the programme and haven't wanted to cheat. I really hope you find it easy too.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you ZOmble - thanks very much fory our kind words.

 

[Blonde Logic]

OK, here goes. Here is an example of my bad behaviour.

The day started out poorly. JUst as I was out the door to work me and my OH had an argument. It wasn't even an argument. It was him in a very bad mood, and my walking out on him for it as I did not want to be shouted at because he is mad at something else.

So I felt bad already going in to work.

I soon had a headache....and my neck which has been playing up for 8 months started to hurt again.

Not long after that, I went to say hello to a colleague. I soon noticed one of my diamonds in my wedding ring was missing. THey are family diamonds, and I am gutted to have lost it. It can be replaced of course, but it will not bring back the 100 or so years the diamonds been in the family.

So I am having a right pity party me.

Its now approaching lunchtime, and I decide I will go to the kanteen and get a turkey and cranberry sandwhich sine I didn't have time this morning to pack a lunch.

I get to the Kanteen and see a nice loking salad and decide I will have that instead - looks nice and is better for me.

I get to the hot counter to get in queue. ANd out of my mouth blurts, "Small chips please." SO I get both. And I am sat here eating the chips and they taste like garbage.

WHY DID I ORDER THEM!!!???

This is the type of behaviour I want to learn about. In one fraction of a second I went from a healthy lunch to adding on rubbish that I did not need or want.

BUT - I have just tossed more then half the chips in the bin, and am now ENJOYING the salad. SO, hooray me. For that anyway. Still feel poo about myself.

I really hate that about me. I hope I change it.

 

[cc28]

oh poor you. I am the same I get things on autopilot when I have a bad day. Before I can think it through I am sat there eating something bad for me and I always think "I am not even enjoying this"! Def take it as a learning experience.

I find now that after the one incident I can curb or stop the behaviour whereas before LL I would continue searching for the food that will hit the spot all day. FOr example going back and get more chips in the hopes they will be hotter and niccer and it that didnt work then going to the vending machine for piles of chocolate. Then cake on the way home, a takeaway for dinner (just cos), and so on and so on until I was too full to enjoy anything and I would just keep picking anyway and end up more miserable.

So what would the old you have done? Compare it to now where you realised they were not even nice, then you said to yourself I am noticing I am behaving in a way that I dont like and is not helping, then you posted on here for support. All great things to do considering!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Awww, thanks CC...that was nice.

It is funny how absent minded we can be, and I felt good that I at least recognised it and binned the chips.

It is far too soon to say I am learning or changed or anything like that - very early days for me. BUt trying to be aware is a good thing.

Thanks for the support hon - it means alot.

 

[Zomble]

Hello BL! Several things strike me from your post. One is that your day started with OH being grumpy with you about something unconnected with you. Is there any way you can talk to him about this (at the right moment, obviously!)? Because if you're getting that sort of thing on a frequent basis, it will undermine all the good you're trying to do. I'm not suggesting big confrontation (I don't do that unless my back's really against the wall!) but a friendly 'need you and me to be on the same side' kind of chat.

The other thing is that you seem to take your lack of perfect control around food as evidence that you are more generally a bad person, which doesn't follow, y'know. It's only food, which is not really a moral thing. If you were shoplifting or beating your children I wouldn't be saying this, but food... well, we just like it too much and are a bit weak - not bad. I've seen my daughter (looks like a model, dammit!) do the same thing. Most people have weak moments around food, and even when we are at goal and have gone through Management I'm sure we will still have weak moments. It's just that then we will only have them occasionally, our general diets will be better and we will be very aware of our habits. We won't be better or worse people, just thinner and more controlled in our eating.

Lastly (I will stop preaching, I promise!!!) I think you will benefit sooo much from LL as it will give you the chance to get the control you want, plus a complete holiday from the whole issue of food so that you can stand back and examine yourself and your habits without any pressure. I hope January rolls around really fast - you sound raring to go!

 

[Dom1979]

Hi Blonde logic!

Just wanted to post on your thread. I get a real feeling from reading your posts that this is your time, and you will succeed. LL is not easy, but for me, it was the easiest way to lose weight. Maintaining is the hard bit, but I don't feel I'm doing too badly. Most importantly, LL gave me my life back, or, more correctly, gave me a life! I was slowly rotting to death, aged 26. Not a good look. Now I'm living life to the full at 28!!

I have a few 'top tips' for the first few days and beyond if you are interested

1. Take paracetamol every 4 hours to avoid getting ketosis headaches. I did this for the first 3 days and it really helped (because I used to use headaches as an excuse to eat, not having one worked!)

2. To make up the shakes, I found the best thing was a bar mix - like a Braun one. I got mine from Argos and it was the best thing I ever did, especially my breakfast 'vanilla lattes' (filter coffee, mixed with a vanilla pack, tastes like a vanilla flavoured starbucks, mmmmm). No lumps, perfect. And now I use it to make healthy soups and sauces.

3. If you can get hold of some mix-a-mousse you can make chocolate mousse and that is yummy too.


4. The thought records are the most fantastic tool you are going to be learning to use, and I still use them now. I won't explain further now, but if you want to ask me anything about it (actually, feel free to PM me anytime!) feel free!

5. You CAN do it - the first 2 weeks are the worst, then it is much much easier.

6. Don't cheat. At all. It's not worth it. Even if you have to cling on minute by minute (which I did at one point, I just kept thinking, 'I won't eat for another minute', and the minutes then turned into hours and before I knew it, the day from hell was over and after a sleep life was better again!)


Ummmmmm, I'm sure there is so much more, but I can't think of it at the moment.

Good luck! Can't wait to see you succeeding in 2008.

D x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Zomble and Dom - great posts, with great insight and tips. THanks so much. I'd like to write more bu msut get ready for work - just wanted to say thansk, and I'll be back later to write more!!

 

[Dom1979]

PS. I was scared too, terrified in fact. But that was soon replaced by excitement!

 

[Blonde Logic]

PS. I was scared too, terrified in fact. But that was soon replaced by excitement!

Hi Dom

I am both - so so excited, and so so scared. Scared for two reasons - firstly, and most obviouis, I am scared of giving up food for so long - I reckon I will be in development for about 5 - 6 months as I have about 7 or even 8 stone to lose. THats going to be a very long time - I am hoping to reach a zen like state, if you will, so that I am not distracted or swayed in any way. Its got to be all or nothing for me, and I am scared of that....which leads to the second reason I am scared.....I am scared of failing, as has been my past patterns.

I think because the speed of this program, I have more the half a chance to drop a lot of weight - its keeping it off I am scared of.

I am looking at this as a gift. Something to cherish.....so hoping that once I take it all off, I will not ever want to put it back on, thereby not valuing the gift I have been given, if that makes sense.

I have been refusing to allow myself to be too optomistic. I am not being pessimistic, but rathar realistic, I think, for I know my past patterns.

I will not feel truly successful, until I maintain for one year. I said that once when I quit smoking - that I would not cal myself a non-smoker until it had been a year, because I know how easy it is to fall back into horrible habits. (I am smoking again. lol)

But I really so so desperately want to be slim. I am past the vanity stage in life. Its more about being able to live - to be active - to participate in life rathar then sitting on the sidelines, ashamed, and only wishing.

(I suppose there is one little part of me that is doing this for vanity - I want to show my ex-husband, that while it has taken many years, I have gotten over is hurtful words that led me here in the first place. THats the little devil on my shoulder speaking. )

There have been three people in my life, that stand out to me, who caused me an awful lot of misguided perceptions of myself. Him and my two brothers. They all told me I was fat, and I believed them. I wasn't. I was 140 pounds. Now I am 280. There. I said it "out loud".

My brothers from the time I was a very little girl called me two-tonned tessy, and all sorts of other names. Their friends of course would join in. I was only a little girl and they did this and I believe that planted seeds in my head. I spent all my high school years on the side, feeling bad about myself. When I look back at photos - I was a perfectly normal sized teenager. I know they did not realise what they did to me, nor do they now. But it hurt. I loved them and looked up to them and they made me feel not worthy. Ilove them now, and we get on beautiofully now. I could never tell them what they did - but often wonder if they reflect back and think, "oops - maybe that has something to do with how she is now." I doubt it though.

And even as adults - they have let slip once or twice - and it crushes me each time. Several Christmasses ago, my brother, me and my then husband and two of my best friends were playing a game. For some reason, I put my fist on the table and said something about the rules, in a joking manner. My friend Ali said, "whoa----we can see who carries the weight in your family" (Now - I was not offended at all by that remark, because it is a common phrase, and knew she meant absolutely nothing by it.) BUt my brother responded, "She always has", and then he had a real belly laugh at his joke. I wanted to die. I wanted to dissappear. I just shriveled up inside. I couldn't believe it - I just thought to myself, "STILL!!!??? STILLL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!????" It was a horrible moment - it was over 15 years ago, and I feel it right now, the same way I felt it at that table and have the same tears in my eyes now that I had then when I excused myself and went to the loo. THe worst thing is, I said nothing. Did not defend myself at all....just sat there mortified, humilated and hurt.

I want to break free from memories like that.

Oy. Look at me ramble. I did warn y'all.

Better stop now or I might crash the site. hah.

Thanks again everyone. I think you are all wonderful. I really do.
xxx

 

[Zomble]

I really do wish you all the luck in the world. From everything you have said I feel sure you can do this. Remember almost all of us on LL have failed over and over again (I certainly have!), but this is different because of the speed and the counselling. Mind you, I haven't done Management yet, and you're right - that will be the hard bit.

Last night at our Developers group we were talking about Management and our LLC showed us the stages we could expect to go through from pre-LL to success at goal (success meaning we could stay at goal weight and have a peaceful relationship with food). It's a model used for other forms of addiction (you'll have heard that LL treats our issues around food as addiction...) and when you're in management you may well lapse from time to time but you can minimize it by going back on the foodpacks from time to time if you need to. LL is always there as a support, which I find reassuring. But it's going to be a challenge for us all, I know that!

Can't wait until you start!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Apologies it you have already read the below comments on my other thread....as an afterthought I wished I had posted the below comments on this thread rathar then its own.....still coming to grips with how to best use this forum, but I want to try and keep my feelings and thoughts here, together so I can look back on and over my journey, so reposting it here.
=============================================

Here we are once again trying to get dressed for our bike clubs Christmas doo.

Do I have anything festive to wear? Of course not. Havene't felt festive in about a hundred pounds. errrr...I mean years.

Will the other wives? Of course they will. They are stick thin. They'll be in their little strappy sparkly dresses or tops and I will be in my make-you-look-thinner (like heck) black jeans. lol

All the men will comment on how nice they "clean up" and they will say hello to me. lol

I REALLY HATE THIS. And I don't want to go. Hrumpfh.

I want to go next year. Just not this year.

Does anyone else feel like this ever? Or used to? Its just the worst.

I am trying to look nice, and I get overheated, so by the time I have done my hair, makeup and get dressed, I have lost my hairstyle because I am too hot. URGH. I just feel awful about myself right now. I really really do.

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!!

R O L L - O N - J A N U A R Y ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[Blonde Logic]

oooh! I just had a "big grin out of nowhere" moment, when I realised that soon shaving my legs is going to be much easier again!!!

WOOHOOOO!!!! lol

I keep thinking of so many things I once took for granted, that have now become such an effort - it just makes me smile out of nowhere!

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, Christmas has come and gone, and as I have not yet started LL, I was not abstaining. I ate the usual, however I didn't stuff myself as have done previously. Not sure if it is because I am more aware at the moment being just days from starting LL, or if it is because the meal was really not that great.

WHen I awoke on Boxing Day, I reflected over what I ate, and how I felt, and asked myself, had I abstained how might I feel the next day - knowing what I would have missed - and I thought, had I missed all the food the previous day, I really would not have missed much, and the next day came around like any other day - in other words - the world would not have ended.

I hope that is a sign that I am ready to give it my all.

Christmas is usually a sad time for me - I lost my dad at Christmas time several years ago, and last year I lost my very first childhood friend and her mum to a house fire at Christmas-which was a very very hard blow. Certainly things to flare up my emotions generally giving me an excuse to stuff myself silly - and this year I didn't, even though by all rights I could have. I am not sure why I didn't. But feel it is a good thing.

However, Boxing Day was a different matter - and I didn't stuff myself, but I got an overwhelming urge to spend the day cooking and baking, so I baked an apple pie, made a pot of chili and some cornbread. At the time I felt, I better do this now as I won't be able to again. (notice, I said again. period. not "for a long time".) I am still fearful of abstinence and see it as a perment end to all food and sundrie. lol I must cut that chord.

But I find my mind looking forward, and imagining myself going home to see my family and being able to buckle my seatbelt on the plane comfortably and to lower my tray without it resting on my belly, and maybe---maybe even being able to use the arm rests!! lol

Of course - still haven't had confirmation from my LLC that I made the 7-1-08 class.

Oh well. 2008. I will by 48 years old this year. And this will be the year I start to live. I hope. Still full of self doubt.

Well, best get on to work.

 

[Size10wannabe]

Blonde... I wish we lived closer.. hehe. We could go for a drink of .. water.. and put the worlds to right! You sound just lovely and I would say that 95% of what has been going through your head, goes through mine too. I just don't express it as openly and as freely as you do.

I ended up going to my doctor for similar issues as you mention which manifested itself as a binge eating disorder. I got some counselling via the NHS for that and found it amazing at how it really turned my thinking around. I still have a long way to go and am sure with LL I will do it in 2008 , but one of the things they recomended I did was start to write a daily diary of thoughts/dreams/feelings. Is that something you do? I found it (and still do) very very helpful.

Also, where do you come from.. 6000 miles is a long way from home so that must be very tough on you. hang in there my friend x

 

[Blonde Logic]

Blonde... I wish we lived closer.. hehe. We could go for a drink of .. water.. and put the worlds to right! You sound just lovely and I would say that 95% of what has been going through your head, goes through mine too. I just don't express it as openly and as freely as you do.

I ended up going to my doctor for similar issues as you mention which manifested itself as a binge eating disorder. I got some counselling via the NHS for that and found it amazing at how it really turned my thinking around. I still have a long way to go and am sure with LL I will do it in 2008 , but one of the things they recomended I did was start to write a daily diary of thoughts/dreams/feelings. Is that something you do? I found it (and still do) very very helpful.

Also, where do you come from.. 6000 miles is a long way from home so that must be very tough on you. hang in there my friend x

Hi SizeTenWILL BE!! Thanks so much. We can have a virtual drink of water togather, ay?? I reckon there are more then a few that feel some of these things, or have had similar experiences.

As for my expressing it more openly and freely - I do tend to just blurt things out, but I find it is helpful. On here, I can say things I could never say to another in person for fear of rejection, shame, embarassment, etc. I have always been one to splurt my feelings when I can. lol

I intend to write in a journal and to also keep an online diary here. It is helpful. I haven't journaled for a long time, but when my first marraige was in trouble I found journaling very therapuetic and it revelaed alot of answsers, so hope it will be the same here.

Where are you located? Who knows, maybe on day we will be passing through and can have that glass of cold water!! hehe

I come from California originallybut have lived here for the past 6 or 7 years. It is hard to be so far away from family - my mom is 90 this year, and that makes it doubly tough. Hence the guilt. Hence a part of my problems.

Thanks for your encouragement - I think with the kind of support we can find here, nothing can stop us, ay!! Let's drink to that! SUCCESS!!!!

Keep up the good work.

 

[Zomble]

That's the spirit! You'll be rattling around in your plane seat next time you fly, I promise! I was balancing the tray on my huge tum in May, but now nobody would think I had a weight problem. I just look like a normal woman now, not specially thin or fat (I'm currently size 14). Not as thin as I want to be, of course, but it's great not to look like a fat person any more.

So do the maths (or Math, as you would say!) I'm coming up to 5 months on LL and have gone from a 22 to a 14, exactly as they promised. You'll lose the same, honestly. By the way, I'll be 51 in 2008, unfortunately, so you're younger than me and might even lose a bit faster!

All the best - we're all counting down with you!