Minerva's on a mission!!

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FOR START OF 2013 JOURNEY - please go to this post:

http://www.minimins.com/slim-save-diaries/200615-minervas-mission-10.html#post5904190



The beginning of this Journal is from 2011 - where I struggled a lot. It goes through many downs in the journey and many disappearances... but I kept trying to fix myself, the main thing is not to give up!




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I didn't really know what to call this journal... But for some reason, a Nine Inch Nails lyric sounded in my mind... It felt right for how I'm feeling.



Perhaps it's best not to question instincts, for when melancholy washes over oneself, it sweeps one off the feet with no remorse. I let it play out. Fighting it only makes the undertow stronger...

But that is all beside the point. What is the point? I'm making a new little cosy corner for myself, to take up residence while I figure out how to get back to a 'happy box'. Not just with my weight, but with my confidence. I'm not entirely sure why being overweight hits my confidence so badly. It's debilitating. I feel as if I'm covered in mucus, a slimy worthless vile monster. I can hardly bear looking at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. And a part of my brain screams - why is it such a big deal? I know in my heart of hearts I don't look like a monster, there are people around me who are similar size, or bigger being perfectly happy and no one thinks anything of their looks. But something just isn't clicking. If someone looks at me, or god forbid, touches me I recoil in sheer terror because I may have 'infected' them with some disease. Why does my brain play such cruel tricks on me? I can't bear to be around anyone, my mind makes up cruel jokes, whispers sick horrible things into my ear as if it's what the other person is thinking about me. I know it's not true, I try to shake it off... but the damage had been done. Maybe the childhood years of constant nagging about my weight and appearance engrained itself in my adult brain. As we grow up, neuroses really come through sharper - like nails on a chalkboard. We're getting less resilient as we get past those teenage years it seems.

A few years ago, my original LLC posed the question in one of the sessions - imagine if someone actually said to you, the things you kept telling yourself in your head everyday - would you stand for it? I doubt it. But it's not like I can punch myself in the face, can I? I wish. She said at the time, that our minds put us through impossible torment, something you would never imagine inflicting on someone else. I often wondered how to fix it. We are our own worst critics, but surely there has to be a point when you can say 'Well done, you did well'. Have you ever actually felt pleased with yourself? Was anything you ever did, good enough?
Minds play tricks on us. My partner is much more able to admit he did something well, he celebates his achievements. I also let him celebrate mine for me. When I received my Masters distinction and prize for achievements... Something inside screamed at me and told me it's all a fluke, they gave me a good mark by mistake. I didn't think I worked hard enough, even though I knew, short of giving up my sleeping hours, I physically couldn't have done more.
I'm so lucky to have my partner. He anchors me to this world and wakes me up from my nightmares... I hope you have a special person, be it a friend, a partner or sibling who also does this for you.


I always have a tendency to ramble about such ... depressing things, don't I? I do apologise. I suppose there needs to be an outlet somewhere.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive, but also excited about restarting Lighter Life Lite on Saturday... I do hope the lady confirms that I can start this week. My BMI is a little over the 'range', but she said she'd tweak the numbers a little so that I fit into the criteria... I've tried getting into the weight range over the last 4 weeks with a calorie controlled diet and going to the gym 3-4 times per week, but... my weight has actually not changed. So frustrating...


But going to the gym has been eventful. I see improvements every week. Building on the time spent exercising, resistance and overall intense endurance on the machines... I guess, my goal, eventually is to go on the treadmill when I don't feel like a total blob. I want to run in the Race for Life next year as a long term ambition. I want to be fit enough and raise money for cancer research. Way too many people are affected by this, not just in the world, but also in my own family (my grandmother died to cancer) and also my partner's family is going through a lot right now. His Auntie has recurring tumours around her body and has just finished a second round of chemotherapy... His mum has just had cancer preventative surgery, having her ovaries removed and more recently, her breasts removed. I've always hated running, but I feel it's something I'd really like to do. I'm small and insignificant, but I want to do my part to contribute towards the bigger whole.

I think... that's all for now. Getting ready for Saturday, cutting all the carbs out, already gave up the Diet Coke (which I love so much ), watching what I eat to make the transition as painless as possible... I'm ready. Bring it on.

Wow so much of what you say rings true with me but you put it so perfectly.

You have quite a unique talent for writing by using your thoughts nd feelings. Something I think a few of us struggle with and barely scratch the surface.

You sound like you are so ready for your challenge and I wish youevery success. I am running race for life this year, it is something I have wanted to do for years, but felt carrying so much weight woud make it unbearable. Having lost some now I am so determined to make a difference, even if it is small fry every penny counts. I too have lost loved ones and luckily have some that survived. I know it will be a challenge for me, but one I am so up for!

Looking forward to reading your diary in the future and hopefully learning how Lite works from you.

Good luck xx

Hi LadyT! Wishing all the best with Race for Life! I think it's a good way to remember the ones who've passed on and to celebrate those who have won their battles! Well done on making the decision to do it How is your journey coming along? Hopefully you are slowly getting to a happy place!

--

Well, I had a session yesterday with my local LLC, she seems nice. I think she's doing Lite herself at the moment to lose a few pounds (though she is by no means overweight and I'd say at a BMI of about 22). She probably uses the packs every once in a while for maintenance purposes which is easier than diving into calorie counting for a few weeks. I didn't ask though and she didn't say.
But at least she was kind enough to let me start doing Lite even though my BMI according to her is 31.8, I think partly because I'd done it before, she didn't question me like she did with the others!

So, today was Day 1. I have to admit, I did feel hungrier than I thought I would. It's nothing unmanageable, but I guess it's because I had got into a habit of feeding my hunger for so long, even with things such as plain iceberg salad leaves, or mushrooms, or lots of vegetables...
Part of me is debating already as to whether I can just calorie count my way through, like I did before. But I know I can't, nutritionally speaking, I think I need to curb down the eating and get some control back. I can calorie count, but it means that I end up living on raw swede in large portions, whole iceberg heads and then lots of vegetables with a bit of protein in the evening. Calorie wise it usually ends up about 1200, with exercise that's fine. I can go on like that, but I don't think I was getting all the minerals and nutrients I needed. Plus the temptation to 'let go' a bit and not count on Sundays ... not such a good thing.

At the end of the day I'm unhappy with the way I look, so much so, that it's restricting my life... So it makes sense to do a diet that I know works. I intend to stick to it. I know it will be hard, but... I just keep reminding myself... to take it one day at a time.

Food wise...
I have about 850 calories per day to play with.
Adding it to the 3 pack total (460) and 200ml of milk in coffee = will be a static 540 ish on a daily basis. This means that I will have around 300ish calories left for dinner.

Today -
After a lovely porridge in the morning (I wonder why the LL porridges are so delicious? Though I do wish they had a little more texture...) and a mushroom soup for lunch, my dinner option for today is:

Prawn stir-fry with mushrooms and cabbage. (90g Prawns (80), 200g cabbage (60), 20ml Soy (6), 100g Mushrooms (14), Salad (50)) = 210.

So a total of 750.

I'm saving my bar for last, for a later evening option, because I know I sometimes get hungry as I stay up until 1 or 2 am usually. Looking forward to it. I missed those cranberry yoghurt bars so much!

The dinner today is fairly safe and unadventurous, but I didn't have much time to sit and think about it, wanted to get it done after lunch so that I wasn't faced with food on a very hungry stomach - I unfortunately got into the very bad habit of picking at vegetables while cooking over the last year! While it's not the worst thing to be picking on while cooking, it still shouldn't be done. Old habits need to be replaced and really worked on.

Well... tomorrow I'm going to the Gym - I should still have enough energy for a good workout, I'll try not to push it though... I guess my only problem will be trying to distinguish genuine fatigue against my own stubborn ('i don't wanna exercise!!') that I battle everytime! We'll see.

Have a good week everyone!

No amazing insights today... Apart from my brain buzzing with the want to binge, eat something bad, blah blah blah. It was quite muted, in the background though, thank god.

Went to the gym this morning, had a 2 hour workout. Hopefully if I can keep my fitness regimes up it won't be so bad. If my losses are slow - I don't really mind, it's not all about the numbers on the scales! The energy used for exercising has to be taken from somewhere after all! Of course I will be monitoring myself and listening to my body. If I feel absolutely fatigued and dizzy I will slow down. Went to see 'Paul' at the cinema as well in the afternoon with my boyfriend, was such a funny film! I can't believe how far the CGI has come, it was so realistic!

Food wise... I didn't eat a foodpack today, didn't really have the time... So that's about 410 calories in foodpacks and milk.
Dinner: Chicken and Mushroom curry. (200g Canned Chopped Tomatoes (45), 100g Precooked Chicken (120), 160g Red Pepper (50), 200g Mushrooms (30), Salad (45)) = 290
Total for the day: 700.

Of course, I'm not quite counting the water flavours... It's 165 calories in the whole tub. It's rather tasty, I really need to watch so that I don't do more than one of these per week ever! It's good that it's on the expensive side to be honest...

Actually today I did see something amazing. I will share it below. I guess, when any of us lot worry about loose skin, we have to thank our lucky stars we have what we get. Even a little is nothing compared to the man in the link below. He has achieved so much yet unfortunately even his youth was not enough to shrink what he had stretched out so much. Even though, in the interests of science, it's actually amazing as to how much skin can actually stretch!

Izismile.com - Incredibly slimming down (27 pics)

Enjoy and be inspired!

Day 3.
Today... has been harder. Not so much because of hunger or anything, partly because I kept busy cleaning the house and stuff, but... I just felt very fatigued. I ran out of energy pretty quickly, I kept going and doing things regardless, but it was just that much tougher. Painful almost.
I wasn't all that hungry though, it was in the background somewhere, far away and fairly manageable... But I feel my brain fuzz returning which I hated so much... I haven't felt it for so long, and now that it is here... I feel myself drifting again. Like my brain has slowed down and life around me starts moving in faster motion... I can't seem to keep up. I hope it's just the withdrawal at this point, I pray it's not going to be like this for the few months ahead of me... even though, I know, that it probably will be... *sigh* give me strength.

Food today... again I missed a foodpack, didn't find the right time for it... Only had half of my milk allowance too - so it's 370.

Erm, dinner was: Quorn stuffed peppers (210) = 580 for the day total.
(75g Quorn (71) 125g Green pepper (32), 130g Mushrooms (20), 120g Tin. Tomatoes (21), 40g Cabbage (11), 355g Lettuce (55))

I really enjoy reading your diary, well done for the exercise and also not allowing the scles to determine your success that shows real strength. I think I am totally obsessed by what the scale says at the moment and also a little frustrated.

Keep it up chick xxx

You're doing well honey. You're so controlled with your portions and calories. I wish I had your discipline. I'm enjoying reading your diary even though lite isn't really working for me I find it useful to learn about portions etc from you for the future.
Well done!

Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins

The scale isn't everything ladies! I've learned the hard way that some people have bad water retention / or very very stubborn fat cells We're all looking for some sort of explanations for the way things happen, and I'll go with - my ancestry is based in very very cold climates (I'm from Russia), so the body compensates for weight loss by keeping water inside the fatcells for as long as possible - so I won't see any change for a long time, in the way clothes feel or the dreaded and magical numbers on the scale, so I just have to keep going. Believe in the diet - because there is no physical way you can GAIN or NOT LOSE FAT (and a little muscle...) in some way or another. The muscle I'm tackling by keeping active, going to the gym - which I didn't do previously. I just hope I don't do more harm than good.

Either way.. today, I went to the gym, did an hour and a half of cardio exercise. I wasn't especially tired but I felt my legs were giving up. They felt a bit ... jellylike, even though I notched down the intensity a little bit. Ugggh... I hope it's only the withdrawal talking...
I've also been left alone.... and bad things usually happen when I'm left alone for a long time... I don't know whether it's boredom or abandonment or whatever... or that I'm left to my own throughts that always lead to bad places. That's when binge eating hits hardest - because no one's looking. I deal with it... somehow. I know I'm not allowed chewing gum on Lite - but I have a piece and it makes the bingey cravings go away to a more manageable level. The only reason you're not allowed chewing gum is because it can make people hungry due to the production of stomach acids from it thinking that you're actually eating something... Not sure why, but having a piece of gum actually makes me feel full? So it works for me. And the other thing I've started doing is putting my bar in the fridge, so that when I go in there to get milk for my coffee, I have a nibble of it instead of picking at something else. It feels 'naughty'. I need to tackle the fridge picking issue, but in good time... I will address these things one step at a time.

But I don't feel so good about the way I'm handling dinner today. Day 4 of any of my diet attempts has been the make-or-break day. Usually if I make it to day 7, the full week, then I know I'll be ok. While cooking I dove into my stir-fry bag and ate about half of it before any of it even went in the stir-fry... Uggggh. Not good, so to compensate, I guess I'm not having the protein today. Bah humbug. At least I didn't despair, eh. I'm keeping to the calorie count, even though my brain is flying wild trying to make excuses to have more. Nah... before it evolves into anything out of control, I need to stop and remember that it's only day 4, and I've still a long way to go.

Either way, dinner today: ... the most unexciting thing ever. Soy vegetable stirfry. Woot. ... food is food I guess. I'll be more adventurous with the coming weeks, right now I'm just concentrating on surviving week 1. If I feel like I can win, at least on the calories - then I'll begin to feel more in 'control'. So: (15g Soy (5), Stir-fry bag (160), 220 g Mushrooms (35), 200g Cabbage (60), 200g Salad (30)) = 290
+ 3 foodpacks + 100ml milk = 500 = 790

Good thing is I don't get bored about having the same thing over and over unlike my partner, I think he had enough of having the same shakes over and over when on LL for 8 months so doubt he'd ever have the same dinner again twice in a row! Hehe, he's silly.
On a positive note though, I was browsing the Lite book and noticed that I'm allowed beans and legumes! I thought I'm gonna have to give them up for a long time, but no! One of these days I'll be making a beanie casserole! yay!

Minerva said:

Either way, dinner today: ... the most unexciting thing ever. Soy vegetable stirfry. Woot. ... food is food I guess. I'll be more adventurous with the coming weeks, right now I'm just concentrating on surviving week 1. If I feel like I can win, at least on the calories - then I'll begin to feel more in 'control'. So: (15g Soy (5), Stir-fry bag (160), 220 g Mushrooms (35), 300g Salad (45)) = 245
+ 3 foodpacks + 100ml milk = 500 = 745

Click to expand...

I'm probably the wrong audience... but that sounds bloody deeee-lish!! Lol...

Oh, and I think chewing gum has citric acid in it, which can knock you out of ketosis hunny... but it's all a case of balance I guess... if you find it curbs your appetite, and you use it sparingly, then it might be the best thing for you to do... adult decision and all that...

Well done for sticking it out so far... despite the challenges you're facing, you're doing amazingly well!!

xx

Pinkie :) said:

I'm probably the wrong audience... but that sounds bloody deeee-lish!! Lol...

Oh, and I think chewing gum has citric acid in it, which can knock you out of ketosis hunny... but it's all a case of balance I guess... if you find it curbs your appetite, and you use it sparingly, then it might be the best thing for you to do... adult decision and all that...

Well done for sticking it out so far... despite the challenges you're facing, you're doing amazingly well!!

xx

Click to expand...

LOL! Well to be honest, the dinner was actually pretty rank and made me in a foul mood. But then again, I'm happy I'm not on abstinence, you poor soul! When I was doing it, a leather shoe sounded more appealing than another bloody shake after about 9 months!

I was aware of the citric acid in the gum, but I was under the impression that it doesn't knock *everyone* out of ketosis. It depends on the person and their bodily chemistry. Some people keep drinking moderate amounts of Diet Coke throughout and still lose normally - and while I love DC, I wouldn't do it, because it makes me hungry (and bloated...)! And yep, the chewing gum, I only have a maximum of 5 pieces of regular sugar-free Orbit per day, if that. It really depends on what I'm doing.

Though, your response did spark curiousity and I went and looked it up, and found that the effects of citric acid on a ketogenic diet are more severe than merely knocking some people out of ketosis.

Found here: Day Four. « A Cautionary Whale

Rosemarievn -
Hi,
very brief reply to try to help you. I am medically trained and on the cambridge diet, which is very close in content to LL, and works in the same way.
(...)
Citric acid will affect the process of ketosis: though not always knocking you out of ketosis it inhibits your body cells from recognising ketone bodies as their preferred source of energy so that the body begins to break down lean tissue to access glucose. This is bad news for all as it will diminish your muscle mass. You will still lose weight, muscle is heavy, and chances are that you will also be hungry. Even the small amounts of citric acid found in trident soft-centre gums are sufficient to cause this problem.

Click to expand...

Food for thought there for sure. I think I personally felt weakest when I was following my own carb-free diet with little food and chewing copious amounts of chewing gum.. I certainly felt pretty shoddy back then! So that explains it I guess...

The chewing gum right now was really a temporary measure to stop myself from bingeing, but I will work on not having any at all from next week.

Wishing you all the best Pinkie, looks like you're nearly at goal! That's awesome

Thanks for the info on chewing gum Minerva, I didnt realise it was so bad for you on this diet!!!

Love the diary and hope your having a great day!

gracielou09 said:

Thanks for the info on chewing gum Minerva, I didnt realise it was so bad for you on this diet!!!
Love the diary and hope your having a great day!

Click to expand...

Hi Gracie Are you new to LL? If so, then welcome, I hope you find it relatively easy - remember to keep busy! The chewing gum - I didn't realise was quite so bad, I'm definitely going to avoid it now!

I've yet to figure out why camomile tea is not allowed. I know we're not allowed fruit and flower teas - fruit ones I can understand, they're sweeter, fruit based... but flowers? The only difference I guess I found was a minute amount of carbohydrates as opposed to lets say Peppermint tea... and it's also 2 calories per cup. I dunno... I wish it was allowed. I miss camomile!


In other news... My boyfriend brought me back a stolen daffodil - the last of the season! It was a little chewed up because it had a resident snail in it! But the smell is absolutely gorgeous. It's just in front of me in a little vase. I love little snails, but he soon got evicted to the garden. Not sure why, but stolen daffodils are quite romantic!


Either way... Today I had a Smoky BBQ Chicken Casserole.
(100g precooked chicken (110), 200g Cabbage (60), 200g Tin. Tomatoes (34), 115g Mushrooms (16), 10g Broccoli (5), Smoky BBQ + Seasoning + Paprika (15), 200g Salad (30)) = 270.
3 Foodpacks + 100ml milk = 500 = 770


Gym day tomorrow, we'll see how much I can do, but I'm staying postive. I'll try to do as much as I can.

Aw thats so sweet a stolen dafodil, they are pretty! White Lillies are my favourite flower, I have expensive taste lol

I only drank normal tea before LL, so I do really miss that but have found a new love in splitting a vanilla pack for coffee as I cant drink it black and the vanilla gives it a nice little kick to the taste. I only usually have it if I am up too early for my pack.

Have a good day xx

Minerva said:

Hi Gracie Are you new to LL? If so, then welcome, I hope you find it relatively easy - remember to keep busy!

Click to expand...

Yes I am new to LL, waited a fair few weeks to start, but here now on my 2nd day!

Your meal sounded lovely, but I'm coping without the food at the moment and enjoying the packs.

Love Daffodils - our national flower!!

Have a great day and I hope you
conquered the gym

xx

Minerva, wow... Your writing style is beautiful. There's definitely a budding author in there. I hope youre still going well. I love how beautifully your diary starts-that overwhelming hatred for self in total opposition with how you 'know' your not deformed but you feel you are. This is why LLL will work. It just should straighten out those issues. Although I'm scared I'll find something else the moment I reach a happy weight!! Good news is, at least that sentence shows I believe FINALLY I'll achieve this.

Same as you with education and top awards but this nagging feeling there must have been an error or that I cheated somehow. Not physically possible but I am always ashamed of my achievements and hate people to find out. I work till my brain felt it was bleeding but still I imagine I've fluked these things. Ho hum darling.

Anyway, keep it up. I'm a major NIN fan and Tool too, I think it means we're wired a bit differently! Good different, but still

Take care, keep writing xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins

LadyT said:

I only drank normal tea before LL, so I do really miss that but have found a new love in splitting a vanilla pack for coffee as I cant drink it black and the vanilla gives it a nice little kick to the taste. I only usually have it if I am up too early for my pack.

Click to expand...

I think you're allowed normal tea on LL, as long as it's leaf tea (not fruit or flower) you can have it. The vanilla pack is actually quite versatile, I used to make mousse with it and microwave cookies - because they tasted the best! I think some people mixed some peppermint tea with it aswell and then froze it - to a gooey consistency, so have some sort of mint ice-cream... Personally I didn't like that one, but each to his own...! :jelous: [/QUOTE]

Gracielou09 said:

Yes I am new to LL, waited a fair few weeks to start, but here now on my 2nd day!

Your meal sounded lovely, but I'm coping without the food at the moment and enjoying the packs.

Love Daffodils - our national flower!!

Have a great day and I hope you
conquered the gym

Click to expand...

I didn't actually know the Daffodil is the English national flower! I'm not sure what the Russian national flower is, or the Latvian... But every country claims something to his own, you never know who owns what...!
How are you holding up with the packs? I know you'll do well, just stay focused. The first week will be the hardest - your body is going to be heavily detoxing for up to two weeks, so you will go on an emotional rollercoaster! Hang in there though, it does get easier. The results are absolutely worth it!

And yep, I conquered the gym! Somehow I managed to do my 2 hours, so a grand total of 5 hours 30 minutes this week. Not too bad.

Tilleymonster said:

Minerva, wow... Your writing style is beautiful. There's definitely a budding author in there. I hope youre still going well. I love how beautifully your diary starts-that overwhelming hatred for self in total opposition with how you 'know' your not deformed but you feel you are. This is why LLL will work.

Click to expand...

Hi Tilley... I certainly did not expect such an individual as yourself to stop by... Not in a bad way, but it did peak my curiousity. A Tool fan? Someone who went to critically analyse my written work? How... unusual.
I believe we all go through the motions of feeling the way I described, but it appears quite often, that many find these thoughts untangiable, a little out of reach. Perhaps many are scared to acknowledge them. I'm not quite sure. I wish I could ignore them and wipe the slate clean without such sentiments pulling me back into some kind of chaos.

I watch people, sometimes I just take a seat and just look. A passing drunk will make a comment 'Smile!'... I smile at him, he passes by. Is it that unusual to just... sit and watch the world tick by? I feel as if I'm in slow motion and everything around me is whirling, buzzing, people running, laughing, careless - unaware of the bird song in the treetops, the ripple of grass beyond, the breeze caressing the skin... And, I sit, and wonder... How can they all be so ... or at least appear to be, so, burden free? At least for those brief moments, being able to let go of everything. I wish I could drop the weight off my own shoulders just for a second and be able to breathe. I hope I will one day.

Tilleymonster said:

Although I'm scared I'll find something else the moment I reach a happy weight!! Good news is, at least that sentence shows I believe FINALLY I'll achieve this.

Click to expand...

I know you can achieve whatever you set your mind to. The first thing is - however, to recognise... that there is no 'happy weight'... It's more about the psychological acceptance of self. LL is a great tool to achieve the first part of that happiness, to finally see the image you'd been dreaming of... But without working on looking inward and generally starting to LIKE YOU, know that you are a good person... It will crumble very quickly.
I reached my target in 2009... But it turned sour. I was still a monster because I didn't become who I thought I was suddenly going to be. I didn't look right because by doing the diet, I became bitter and secluded. Being thin suddenly was all that mattered. I reached that magical weight... but I wasn't happy. In my mind I was not good enough because I'd never learnt to like myself. I was still 'fat', except on those few occasions when I'd catch my reflection in the mirror, unexpectantly... I saw only illness. I still hated myself because I didn't know how to fix it, didn't know how to fix myself.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this... But, be careful. I sense you may be overcritical of yourself when it comes to achievements, I urge you to keep looking back at where you're coming from. Ground yourself in reality, don't lose yourself.

Tilleymonster said:

I'm a major NIN fan and Tool too, I think it means we're wired a bit differently! Good different, but still

Click to expand...

I'm more into Tool to be honest... I guess, I feel whenever I listen to them that they're letting me in on a secret that no one else knows about. Their songs always bend meanings depending where I am in life or what I'm feeling. I suppose, they've shaped who I am.

I'm wishing you all the best on LL and beyond hun, thank you ever so much again for stopping by. xxxx

Day 6... !

Wow, can't believe it's day 6... The first week is always going to be the hardest, I know that. Hopefully the full detox will happen by the end of next week and I'll feel better.

Tomorrow is my Weigh In day, wish me luck... Though, whatever happens, happens. I'm regretting a little bit my mishap with the water flavour today, I acid-burned my tongue! Yep, don't do it ... too much, ladies, don't dip your finger in it and eat it. It's great done once or twice to really satisfy some sort of sweet craving, but... done a little too much will just hurt a lot! Feels a bit like I've scalded it.. Ouch! Oh well, lessons learned and all that...

Right, so I did my 2 hours at the gym, albeit it still does feel more painful to do. Oh well, no pain, no gain and all that.
I do feel my tolerance dropping and irritation at even small things rising... I really dread what low-calorie, no food thing does to me long term... I've had this happen before... I turn into an awful person when I can't eat. And the stupid thing is, I'm actually a nice person when I can have food. I can even laugh... whereas, now, I can't. I don't know why food affects my personality on such a deep level. I wish it didn't...

Today I skipped a pack because I didn't fancy soup... So it's 370 with the milk.
Dinner: Morroccan Prawns with curried mushrooms. (260g Mushrooms (40), 90g Prawns (75), 80g Tin. Tomatoes (15), 200g Cauliflower (70), 75g Tomato (15), 100g Gherkins (15), Seasoning/Herbs (15) ... went overboard with lettuce... some sort of binge devil took hold of me ... 940g Iceberg (140)) = 385 = 755

Good luck for your WI.

Dafodil is the welsh national flower, I believe the rose is the english flower.xx

I'm a bit of a rose person, completely cliche, I know, but they have such a wonderful aroma. Plus, my Russian grandmother loved them, so I guess it's rubbed off onto me.

Either way, my WI went well, 8 lbs in the first week, so I'm rather pleased. I know most of that will be water weight, but hey, at least it's all in the right direction.

I'm having a bit of an issue that I do need to work on, in relation to my portion sizes and dinner. Right now I seem to be missing out a foodpack on some days in order to be able to make a more filling dinner. I'm still keeping to the calorie count of 800, but I guess I just prefer real food to LL packs, rather unsurprisingly. I actually went to Lighter Life this time to be able to put a time limitation to my inability to manage my food intake - because it gave me a definite STOP point. It also introduced an accountable authority figure who 'measures' my success at the end of each week. Plus, it gives short measureable time frames of *a week* inbetween each 'push'. Makes it feel more manageable to think of it on a weekly basis rather than looking at the whole huge picture all at once... So, 'want to lose 2lbs!' sounds so much more realistic than 'want to lose 4 stone!' ... yeah. Less scary by far.

I have to recognise that changes won't be instant and portion sizes will shrink as I get used to it all. I just don't want to end up in the same over-controlling place I was last time. I don't want to be petrified of food - but I do want to have respect for it again. I need to relearn to enjoy it in moderation, because too much of a good thing leads to bad things...


Food today... 2 foodpacks and 100ml milk = 370
Dinner: Chicken with Vegetables. (125g Pre-cooked chicken (136), 175g Cauliflower (62), 80g Broccoli (28), 250g Mushrooms (38), Oxo cube (16), 150g Tomatoes (30), Salad (60)) = 370 = 740