Turning 40 - having a trauma about it - HELP - :-(

Hi all,

Well, at the beginning of Feb, I turn 40 and I'm having a real problem with it.
It's not just the age thing, I don;t think, I think it's that I don;t feel old enough to be 40...haven't been able or got round to doing all those things which I'd expected to have done by now and just generally feel unfulfilled.
I'm very happy with my man...but he's worried that I seem to 'be sad a lot of the time these days'. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I'm depressed.
I'm also having trouble with the fact that I've never had kids, and never will....and I'm wondering if that's got something to do with it, whether it's all linked, you know?

Anyone else have a trauma about turning 40 and how did you deal with it?

As you said I do not think it is about turning 40, it is just a milestone that makes you evaluate what you have achieved in life.
Whilst not related to age milestones, I have just had a few things happen in my life that has really made me think about where I am, what I have wanted and what I have achieved, and like you I came out thinking I was starting to wonder if I was depressed. I was always feeling down and as a result I wasn't doing anything that I wanted to do - just feel like I was constantly moping around being a general pain in the a$$. Whilst that was not long ago, I think I feel a lot better now - I sat down with my OH and discussed what I and we wanted, and how we are going to achieve that - set dealines and goals for the future (one of which was losing weight on SW). I think you always need something to aim for, and feel like you are working towards that - and without it you just end up a bit lost!
Know that is a bit of a ramble, but hope that helps!

It was turning 40 that started me back at SW. I had no intention of being fat at 41 - but went off the boil a bit and only lost 3 stone in a year instead of the 7 or so I wanted to lose - but it's 4 months to my 42nd birthday so time to get some shifted and I will be a slim 43!!

I totally understand how you feel. There was so much I wanted to do with my life which passed me by and many of them aren't going to be possible now.

It's not the fact I turned 40 - which is only a number after all - but the fact that 40 years had passed me by (if that makes any sort of sense!!).

I reminded myself that there are many many people who don't start on their career paths until after the age of 40. I think it was the guy who played Uncle Albert in Only Fools who didn't start his acting career until he retired.

I met an oldish English guy at EPCOT back in 1991. His wife had died and he felt his life was over. He then heard about jobs working for Disney. For visa purposes etc he has to do 'year about' so one year he works at EPCOT, the next year he comes back to the UK, the year after that he works at EPCOT for a year etc etc

I have no great advice to give you (and am not telling you to jack in your job and go to Florida!) except to say hang on in there. You've seized control of your life back and have lost a fantastic 4 stone. Tell yourself that you CAN control what you do with their life.

You're not alone hun! I'm turning 40 this year and even though I joke about it I am struggling with the idea. I seem to spend more and more time thinking that there must be something more to life than the normal 9-5 but not knowing how to achieve it. I also don't feel old enough to be 40, I'm not sure where the time went.

xx

I'm not currently working, which doesn't help....

I NEED to change something, but I don;t know what ;-(

As cheesy as it sounds, realising you need to change something is the first step! May take some time to work out what it is but you will I am sure! Just don't rush into changing the wrong thing!

i turn 40 in april and im dreading it!:cry:

I don't know if this'll piss you off, so I apologise in advance if it does.. but I'm about to turn 25 and I am married and have a two year old, I am the only one of my friends to be in this position, and judging by facebook I am an exception generally amongst my age group. I got pregnant before I'd graduated from university so although I completed my degree I gave up finding a career temporarily untill my daughter was older. Sometimes I find it hard not to get jealous of my peers successes in careers, travelling, acedemics etc, just other paths that I have not chosen.
Although our situations are very different, perhaps it is the same kind of things.. the what ifs, if you know what I mean?
Sometimes you need to take stock and look at what you have and recognise how much you have, whether you're 25, 40 or 80!

On the depression front, I would say go and speak to your GP, but I think you need to be definate you are depressed before you go down that route because basically they'll just give you anti depressants.
I have had problems with depression for a number of years on and off and personally think anti-depressants make me worse... but having said that if it's something that would help you don't let my opinion put you off.. just make sure you have a 'spotter' as it were to check that you are doing well on them because sometimes you don't yourself notice your not.
What I would advise, although it might sound a bit patronising.. is eating healthily (which I assume you already are).. getting in your fruit and vege is actually quite important in mood, Getting fresh air everyday, seeing the sun (when its there) and getting some exercise..

These are only some personal advice.. I'm not a medical person. Also, having said all this I don't practise what I preach and unless I'm only dealing with mild bouts of depression these methods dont work.. but there worth a bash :0)

sharon09 said:

i turn 40 in april and im dreading it!:cry:

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Porgeous said:

You're not alone hun! I'm turning 40 this year and even though I joke about it I am struggling with the idea.

xx

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I was dreading turning 40. I felt life was passing me by then decided well it was going to happen so I should make the best of it and I did. Turning 40 was the best birthday I think I ever had, I LOVED it... I also totally milked it and had a whole host of things arranged and I loved every moment of it.

I did feel there was something more significant about being 40 than 30 something but to be honest Ive found being 41 harder.

Dont dread it, turn it into something special - after all its only a number

I think out lack of cash isn't helping as we can't have a big party or anything like that to mark the occasion.
My other half already has a son and I knew before moving in three years ago that he didn't want any more kids, and at the time I was fine with that, but now I think my body clock is ticking!
My best friends are married, have kids and careers, all things I don;t have and that I'd expected to have/do by this age.

hey hun.
I feel a bit out of place in this thread.. seeming that i am more than likly THE youngest on this board.


But i'd thought i'd drop my thoughts in (mainly because its impossible for you to hurt me through your computer screen )



Now, if you really wanted all these things you THINK you might have wanted for yourself before the big 40, wouldnt you have done them if you'd REALLY wanted to? Surly this cant have all dawned on you now.. have you spent the last ten years unhappy? No? thats because you didnt really want them, because had you have done, you would have seized every opurtunity to do them. Just because your turning 40 doesnt mean someones going to come around and ask you what you'v got to show for it, I think alot of people mis-understand the word 'achievments' . Just because some people you may know might have children, a career, or have done a bunch of crazy stuff, yes those are all achievments, but what about personal happiness? things like improving your health, weightloss, dealing with problems that once seemed so awful you didnt think you'd ever emotionally recover? Finding someone you love and setteling down..


My mother is turning 50 this year, and she's moping because she doesnt think she's achieved anything, and like you she thinks achievments mean a career, or finding someone to settle down with.. what about the fact she has a beautiful happy family, who she raised well? her health.. her first grandchild.. a lovley big home she'd always dreamed of.. and most of all.. getting her life back together when there have been times when she never thought she'd be able to breath without the emotional hurt feeling so strong.



I'm going to be turning 18 in 3 days.. Now, some of you will say, i'v got the whole world ahead of, me i could do anything with my life with time to waste, where as others will refer to me as a drop-out, someone who never followed anything through, dropped out, hurt alot of people and should hve finished school, and done somthing better with her life.

but for me, i think.. iv turned my life around, iv become healthy and despite everything iv found someone who loves me very much.



I apprectaiet that hitting 40 may make you want to re-evaluate your life and what you concider your acheivments but i feel its also very easy to overlook alot of the positives when you feel a pressure to have done more.



and as others have said, 40 is not the be all and end all, you are not defined by your age. if you WANT that career, you go for it. if you want kids, then maybe you need to take some time for yourself.. and think about what you really really want, because things like this are big, and mean a big up-heaval in your life. . but should you take that time and find that actually you are happy.. and you dont really want those things, then you can be happy in the knowlege you were doing whats right for you all along.


Somtimes taking a little time for ourselves can be imensly rewarding at times like this, even if its just to re-assure ourselves that you havnt just got swept along in one of lives big currents, you deffinatly wanted this.


Deffinatly visit your GP about feeling depressed.. BUT as someone who's been on anti-depresents themselves and have watched others take them also, i genuinly believe its your choice. No pill will make you feel better, you have to want to. part of this maybe using that time for yourself i mentioned before to recognise all the good things you have going for you. Writing a list of your achievements and what you ahve to look forward to will help. Even if its little things, like my mum.. shes looking forward to going in the 50+ cafe this year! LOL


Your life is yours, to do what you want and be what you want.. and by doing slimmingworld.. and improving your health, your giving yourself a lot more time to dither about with



Love you lotsies.. *hugs* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fern what an amazing post. If I was your (just about to turn 50) mother I'd be incredibly proud of you. And if half the 18 year old kids I teach A level to were half as switched on as you my job would be tonnes easier too! ;-)

jes - I can't really add anything more to what the others have said, but all I know that our lives are whatever we make of them. good luck and happy bloomin' birthday!!!! xxx

I dreaded turning 40. And I shed a tear. Here I was,a single mother, with a boyfriend that lives 250 miles away, no prospect because of our respective children of changing that any time soon. Still I ahd a good time, let people spoil me, and got through it. Turning 41 was almost worse. I often get fed up as I am at an age where i feel I should ahve started reaping the rewards. I'm nearer 60 than 20. And life seems to be harder than ever, on my own with two children under 10. But what can you do? I tell myself I made the decision to dro out of a pretty good career, which I did, to bring up my kids. I say I am doing the best for those kids that I possibly can. And I hionestly beleive, though far from the perfect Mum, I do just that the majority of the time. I feel lonly sometimes, but to be honest, i'm not exactly a socaible person, so that is my own doing. I'm doing OK. I could be so much worse. I am the product of my choices and making the best of them. All I can do is love me!

Lynda

^^ welldone. *hugs*


and thanks the_petal.. )

xx still sending you lots of positive vibes.. (and the rest of you almost 40-50 year olds!)

Can I just say thanks you to everyone who has posted on this thread so far...just the fact that I now know that I'm not the only one who feels a bit like this, helps a little.

Fern - what a sensible head on such young shoulders. Very wise words and good advice. You certainly made me stop and think... thank you!

FernXx said:

Now, if you really wanted all these things you THINK you might have wanted for yourself before the big 40, wouldnt you have done them if you'd REALLY wanted to?

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In the case of having children, no because you need to meet a man who you would want as a father for your children. Until now, I hadn't.

FernXx said:

Surly this cant have all dawned on you now.. have you spent the last ten years unhappy? No?

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On and off, yes. This isn;t the first time I've felt like this.

FernXx said:

what about personal happiness? things like improving your health, weightloss, dealing with problems that once seemed so awful you didnt think you'd ever emotionally recover? Finding someone you love and setteling down..

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I think finding someone I love and settling down had made me want the kids....

FernXx said:

I apprectaiet that hitting 40 may make you want to re-evaluate your life and what you concider your acheivments but i feel its also very easy to overlook alot of the positives when you feel a pressure to have done more.

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I'm finding it very hard to find any positives in my life atm, to be honest.

FernXx said:

Your life is yours, to do what you want and be what you want..

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Oh, I wish it was that simple....

JestersTear said:

In the case of having children, no because you need to meet a man who you would want as a father for your children. Until now, I hadn't.....

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I think you have to decide then whether you are willing to sacrifice having children to be with him or is he willing to have children to make you fill 'fufilled' in life? maybe have a chat with him, he cant help if he doesnt know how your feeling. x

JestersTear said:

On and off, yes. This isn;t the first time I've felt like this.....

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- Even more of a reason to take some time for yourself then hun. xx

JestersTear said:

I think finding someone I love and settling down had made me want the kids

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- Circumstances change, so obviously meeting someone you love and settling down has made you reconcider things, such as having children, which you may have not concidered before.. what were your reasons for not wanting children before? are your reasons still valid to you? again, some time to think things through may make things clearer for you.

JestersTear said:

I'm finding it very hard to find any positives in my life atm, to be honest.....

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The thing is hun, no one else will find them for you, you really have to WANT to see the positives, i know its all so easy to look past them when you feel so low, but as iv said you really have to want to find that motivations etc.

JestersTear said:

Oh, I wish it was that simple....

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It is though. Saying and doing is two completly different things, but then thats down to you to decide how much you want somthing. If you want it that bad you'l do it.



40 is scary, i appreciate that hun, but you dont have to be scared alone.. you need to talk to your OH...


I really hope i havn't upset you, i really am only trying to help.. and i know that you may not wish to listen, after all i'm no where near 40 and have alot to learn myself.. but sometimes its better to hear it no matter where it comes from. xxxxxx

Any of the "milestone" birthdays are likely to make us review our situation and question where we are and what we have been doing.

No-one, in my experience, ever feels "old enough" to be the age they are. I am 62, retired librarian/civil servant, short, dumpy, grey-haired - and I am aware that to most people who pass me in the street I am invisible. But in my head I am still 25, a bit daft, and slightly irresponsible!

I can - and sometimes do - look back and see all the things I didn't do, opportunities I didn't take, things I did do and wish I hadn't, and wonder how I got to this point without achieving this or that. But I won't let myself dwell on these things. I didn't have children, but I had a long and interesting career, and on balance I think that was the right choice. I have regrets about certain things, but I know that regrets are a waste of time and energy - energy which should be focussed on the future and what I am going to do with it.

It's not wrong to be sad and reflective at this time of your life, but you shouldn't let it take over. If you don't feel you can manage to be happy right now, then pretend to be happy - shoulders back, head up, smile! - and sooner or later what you are pretending to be, you will be.

Some great posts on here, Fern you are so wise for one so young hun.

I am 39 this year and have been dreading turning 40 for years now but I don't know why. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been so I think it's just the number which I am worried about.

I think society puts a lot of pressure on us and in turn we put that pressure on ourselves. By 40 it is "expected" that we have married, had kids, got the career, been well travelled etc etc but it's not the case. Not all of us meet someone in time to have kids, not all marriages work out, we don't all want "the career" and don't have the cash to travel.

You said there's not much cash to do something special - again, it's the norm now to have a big party, go away somewhere or do something big. To me, a day off work with my loved ones and a walk in the countryside with a pub lunch is worth more than any big bash and costs twenty quid. It's about making the day special.

There's so much more I want to do with my life and whilst I am happy, I want to change things but It's about coming out of the comfort zone with work and I'm not ready to do that yet but when I'm ready I will.

When you are ready to make changes in your life, you will but only you can do that.

Sending you hugs Jes.