From Caterpillar to Butterfly

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Sunday 27th October 2013
I don't know where to begin. Or even if this diary is in the right place, as it'll double as a food diary with pictures as well.

I won't bore you with all the in depth stuff of my weight history, so I'll just summarise.

• I was the fat kid, bullied, but not inactive. I was on plenty of sports teams.
• When I was 4 I thought I was too fat to do ballet, although I wanted to. I was a secret binge eater since that age and have been on and off diets since I was 14.
• When I was 15 I was in the 210lbs, 15 stone bracket
• I was at my slimmest at 18, a UK size 14-16. I guess all the puppy fat dropped and the hormones calmed down.
• Went to university, 2006, got into an unhealthy relationship, and became unhealthy. I ballooned to at least 270lbs (19 stone)by the time I graduated 2010. Lucky he left me the week before, or gods know how big I would of got.

And here I am.
I'm doing a postgraduate course.
I've been in a long distant (106.1miles to be exact) relationship for 2 years and 8 months.
I'm currently living with my parents.
I have no self esteem, confidence or belief in myself.

I've been trying to lose weight all my life. A couple of years ago I joined a women's only circuited gym with a friend, but we fell out and I got bored. I managed to get down to 110lbs (15st) but that's the lowest weight I can remember ever being in my life, I never weighed myself when I was 18.

Earlier this his year I joined a better gym that had more conventional equipment in a women's only section as well as a fitness pool and regular larger gym.
I haven't been recently as I've been busy with university, but also, I was going 5 days a week, and doing 1 hour cardio, 1 hour weights, plus calorie counting and I didn't lose a thing, except the will. Doing nothing, I'm making the same progress as when I was putting all the hard work into it.

I've now decided to shake things up a bit. I've fought psychological demons along the way, and they're starting to rear their ugly heads. I'm starting to go back to my old ways
But I'm determined this time to get healthy and fit. I'm 25, and I feel about 80. I have a chronic pain condition (they think Fibromyalgia) and chronic fatigue. I want a career and kids, be a role model for them, and an inspiration to those that want to give up on themselves, to prove it can be done.

I'm doing Slimming world Green Days, from home, not online.

I've borrowed books from my aunt, an I've still got recipe books from when I did it years ago. It was the only plan that worked and the only reason I stopped was because I couldn't afford it, or my demons over took my motivation and willpower.
My best friend who lives even further away than my partner is doing it with me. Starting from tomorrow. We're both very excited!

Goals:

• Lose 14lbs (1stone) by Christmas
• Reach Club10 by New Years

Motivation:

• General holidays (Christmas, New Years, birthdays)
• Holiday to Tenerife August 2014
• I've always wanted to pull off a LBD

Finally, the name "From Caterpillar to Butterfly" is inspired by my favourite quote "What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning" and I think it's a great way to think of the journeys were on throughout life, and the transformations and metamorphosis we all go through. I hope one day I'll get to be a butterfly.

Subscribing. Good luck on your journey

Rae Rae said:

Subscribing. Good luck on your journey

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Hi, Thank you!
You've had a fantastic loss! Well done

Best of luck I've lost 7lbs in my first week on Sw doing extra easy plan, it's great xx

Reading your story I can relate so much to it, iv been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. Iv tried weight watchers multiply times gone to my goal weight then creep back up again. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food I am a emotional and comfort eater. I will eat and eat until I literally can't eat anymore, I'm so miserable I rely on food for everything, I wish I could have the attitude eat to live not live to eat I got so many things to look forward to, christmas parties, christmas itself , holidays next year. I can't remember the last time I was happy on a night out drinking, that's why for the last few weeks I haven't gone out . I'm so jealous of everyone going out looking beautiful and slim and I just keep thinking why am I doing this to myself again! Time to make a change, if I can stop the binge eating I feel I can take control. I feel I'm wasting my life away, when I get older and think back il think why I wasted my life.
Iv also been at the gym for about 4 years now and il go through weeks without going, then and il go nearly everyday I just want y cube happy with my weight.
I wouldn't mind losing half a stone or a stone for Christmas and would love to be in my LBD for my christmas party.

My stats are are old, lol.
Can't change them as on my phone so I forget they're there.

Hello you,
Good luck and well done for getting on the wagon. I do extra easy and haven't got a clue about red and green days. Extra easy is what it says on the tin and makes me feel less like im on a diet. Im the same age as you and not far away from your current weight (ive missed group for the past few weeks and know ive piled it on so stats are wrong)
Hope you don't mind me chatting away x

lissyloo12 said:

Reading your story I can relate so much to it, iv been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. Iv tried weight watchers multiply times gone to my goal weight then creep back up again. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food I am a emotional and comfort eater. I will eat and eat until I literally can't eat anymore, I'm so miserable I rely on food for everything, I wish I could have the attitude eat to live not live to eat I got so many things to look forward to, christmas parties, christmas itself , holidays next year. I can't remember the last time I was happy on a night out drinking, that's why for the last few weeks I haven't gone out . I'm so jealous of everyone going out looking beautiful and slim and I just keep thinking why am I doing this to myself again! Time to make a change, if I can stop the binge eating I feel I can take control. I feel I'm wasting my life away, when I get older and think back il think why I wasted my life. Iv also been at the gym for about 4 years now and il go through weeks without going, then and il go nearly everyday I just want y cube happy with my weight. I wouldn't mind losing half a stone or a stone for Christmas and would love to be in my LBD for my christmas party.

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I know exactly how you feel, I would get so anxious about going out that I'd give myself a migraine and have to cancel! And people wouldn't understand and think i was just being difficult.

I found a great book by Gillian Riley - Eating Less Say Goodbye to Overeating and she looks at it from the psychological view, establishing your triggers. I have loads. Boredom, tiredness, when I've had a drink, and when I'm sad. What I try to do now is do something for me. If I feel like in going to binge I paint my nails then I physically can't eat without ingesting nail varnish with it, or have a bubble bath with a face mask. It's about being selfish, you have to be sometimes, it's important.

It's not even about deprivation, I think that's totally the wrong way to go about things. If I want something, I'll say yes I can have that, but why do I want it? How will it effect my progress? Is it worth it? Can I counteract having that? Is there something else that's healthy if rather have? Am I just thirsty or tired? By the time I've done all that the cravings gone and I've passed the shop I would of got it from! Music also helps a bit like at the gym, I find Katy Perry's song that's out now about being a champion etc quite motivational.

I'm also quite lucky that where my boyfriend lives in the midlands everyone is so accepting and like you for you that it's a lot easier to go out. Im still uming and aring about going up there for a Halloween party this weekend as it's dress up, but maybe think about where you go out, I avoid anywhere that charges an entrance fee and doesn't show football lol just because that's where I'm most comfortable, it's a different crowd.

You need to believe that you can do it and how much more satisfying it is showing the people that were mean or rude that you are a hot totty and you don't care what they think. It's easier said than done and takes a lot of courage, but it'll make you happier than a binge and you'll feel better afterwards instead of guilty and frumpy.

You WILL get into your LBD! You can do this! You are in control and can be whatever you want!

Emma3334 said:

Hello you, Good luck and well done for getting on the wagon. I do extra easy and haven't got a clue about red and green days. Extra easy is what it says on the tin and makes me feel less like im on a diet. Im the same age as you and not far away from your current weight (ive missed group for the past few weeks and know ive piled it on so stats are wrong) Hope you don't mind me chatting away x

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Not at all! Welcome! I've always liked green days as it's good on the cheap, pasta, rice etc can be bought and cooked in bulk so there's always something to eat. Extra Easy does look good,but I don't know enough about it. I try to do 1/3 of a meal superfree foods which I think comes from that anyway and I remember when I went to classes before (years ago) I used baked bean sauce or sausages to mark out the 3rds on my plate, so maybe I did it before. It's been a while! X

extra easy is 1/3 superfree, with 1HEB and 1HEA choice.
potato, rice and pasta are free foods so you can have as much of them as you want with meat. But as my consultant says if you didn't eat a kilo of pasta 5 times a day before don't do it now!

I use cheap meals like chilli, bolognaise, stirfys, currys, stews - all simple, filling and pretty much free.
Save the syns for treats!

amandamoo80 said:

Best of luck I've lost 7lbs in my first week on Sw doing extra easy plan, it's great xx

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good job on your loss! that's fantastic!

(accidental post. can't delete)

Day One (28/10/13)

Today went well... I think. I'm still not certain of things, and how much of what I should be eating, but I know I ate better than I was before. I'm a massive felafel and houmous wrap lover, and it took all the willpower in the world to not order one at my local cafe!! That would of been about 24 syns so I had a Fresh and Fruity herbal tea instead. Which I assume is still free.

I went shopping and bought loads of fruit and veg like always, but also brown rice and pasta. I caught myself before I bought a nice Mediterranean veg oven tray I like, because I remembered someone saying if oil or anything is added, it has to be syned, and it did. So I bought the same veg, fresh, to make myself.
My treat was a bar of Green and Blacks Dark Chocolate Mint, which is 5.5syns a portion (6 squares) which I can live with. As long as I fight the tiredness, binge urge and don't polish it off in one go.

It feels a little difficult at the moment, but I think once I learn, and get into a routine, and stop feeling guilty about eating so much, healthy or not, I might get on well with it.
Here's my food diary, I wrote next to each item, whether I counted it as free of superfree etc so people can tell me if I'm going wrong somewhere!


Food Diary

Keys:
(HEA) - Healthy Extra A
(HEB) - Healthy Extra B
(F) - Free Food
(SF) - Superfree Food

Breakfast: 35g Jordan's Porridge Oats (HEB) not sure if this counts as a B, because it's not the branded ones named, but porridge oats are porridge oats right? Tesco own brand Sweetened Soy Milk from my 250mL HEA. Not entirely sure if it's suppose to be 200mL or 250mL as different brands seem to be different quantities.

Late Lunch: Bubble and squeak: Mashed potato (F) garlic (F) and leeks (SF) instead of cabbage, cauliflower (SF), Asparagus (SF), and 2 Linda McCartney Original Vegetarian Sausages (4 syns)



Dinner: Have to say appetite is bare minimum, after all that. I feel like it's Christmas day, when you feel sick from eating so much. I've not eaten any more than I usually do, just better things.
So I've not had dinner. I did make tomorrows lunch, a big batch of pasta (F) broccoli (SF) Garlic (F), Asparagus (SF) and mushrooms (SF), salad, with black pepper and ground dry chilli (just to see what it was like).
It's a bit boring without a sauce but I have no idea what would be a good sauce with the above, that's low syn, or even better syn free. I have a jar of no egg Garlic mayo in the fridge, dread to think how many syns it is. I don't think it suits a tomato based sauce.

Snacks: (Grapes (SF), Clementines x 3 (SF), Green and Blacks Dark Chocolate Mint 6 squares (5.5syns). I had a cup of tea too, using milk from the measured out 250mL I used for the porridge.

Total Syns: 9.5
Total HEA: 1
Total HEB: 1

I weighed in this morning, and actually lost 1/2lb last week, but that doesn't count. boo!
So starting weight is 217.8lbs (15.6 stone).

Heyyyyy,

Popping on to subscribe hope you don't mind.

I eat for all the same reasons as you! It is really ridiculous I use food to celebrate, commiserate, well for every reason really.

It just seems that for as long as I can remember I have just used food to sort all my issues & all it has done is make them all worse!

I am not doin SW but would love to keep chatting anyway if that's ok?

I might be able to steal some good recipes from you along the way - I just eat the same stuff all the time I am a creature of habit.

I am doin Herbalife this time. Just started it 2 weeks ago tomorrow & I have lost 6lbs so I am very happy with that.

Still quite a bit to go though so I will be here for quite some time.

I would love to be at my ideal weight by March 2014.

Dxxx

Dolly Rocker said:

Heyyyyy,

Popping on to subscribe hope you don't mind.

I eat for all the same reasons as you! It is really ridiculous I use food to celebrate, commiserate, well for every reason really.

It just seems that for as long as I can remember I have just used food to sort all my issues & all it has done is make them all worse!

I am not doin SW but would love to keep chatting anyway if that's ok?

I might be able to steal some good recipes from you along the way - I just eat the same stuff all the time I am a creature of habit.

I am doin Herbalife this time. Just started it 2 weeks ago tomorrow & I have lost 6lbs so I am very happy with that.

Still quite a bit to go though so I will be here for quite some time.

I would love to be at my ideal weight by March 2014.

Dxxx

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hello!! welcome, more the merrier chat away.
You're doing great, what's herbalife? That's 3lb a week! I'd love to lose that. I'm aiming for my ideal weight by Christmas 2014 at the latest!
It's going to be a long journey for me!

xxx

Thehungryveganuk said:

hello!! welcome, more the merrier chat away.
You're doing great, what's herbalife? That's 3lb a week! I'd love to lose that. I'm aiming for my ideal weight by Christmas 2014 at the latest!
It's going to be a long journey for me!

xxx

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Och I will be with you all the way probably - I love this site its so helpful just coming on here & chatting to people who are in the same situation.

Herbalife is meal replacement - So 2 shakes a day & 600 calorie meal.

Loving it so far, Probably not the best way to get to my ideal weight but I have tried everything else so hey ho.

Dxxx

Dolly Rocker said:

Och I will be with you all the way probably - I love this site its so helpful just coming on here & chatting to people who are in the same situation.

Herbalife is meal replacement - So 2 shakes a day & 600 calorie meal.

Loving it so far, Probably not the best way to get to my ideal weight but I have tried everything else so hey ho.

Dxxx

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I know! I love this site for that too, I was calorie counting before and kept going over all the time, maintaining and losing the will. Then I thought about SW and saw this website mentioned in a vegan forum and here I am! It's been so helpful.

It's whatever works for you at the time you need it to. I don't get on with meal replacements because I have that need to chew, hand to mouth, oral addiction problem. Freud would have a field day with it. I tried Slim Fast and was just hungry all the time, and then it got too expensive, so gave up!
Glad Herbalife is working for you!

I am hopefully swapping my food addiction for a minimins addiction haha.

Well see the meal replacement doesnt bother me at all, I prefer a diet that is very regimented & I am told drink this eat this.

Its when I dont have that structure that it just goes crazy.

Home & had my shake for dinner with 2 boiled eggs so thats me sorted for the night.

Dxxx

I was more prepared for uni than ever before today. I don't mean academically, I haven't pre read for classes since the second week of term... I mean food wise. They don't have much choice for Vegans as it is, let alone Slimming World options. So instead of not eating all day, I prepared lunch last night and took it with me, along with some fruit to snack on. We were in classes for 4 and a half hours, but it's an hour and a half, to 2 hour, commute there and back, which is when it's easy to grab something on the way. On the way home I was cold, tired and wanted a coffee. Not having a clue what I could have, I decided to get what I always do, but smaller. A Tall, Soya, Mocha from Starbucks. I then read on a website that it was 12.5syns, and freaked out. Then I did the 1 syn = 20 calories calculation, and it worked out as 8. My bestie in Liverpool looked it up in her syn book and said that a mocha with skimmed milk and whipped cream was 13, so 8 was more realistic, so I'm going with that! I feel a lot better. I feel less bloated. I think it's my imagination, but my rings on my fingers feel looser as well. I know it's ridiculous as it's only been 2 days, but it still keeps me motivated. I'm also experiencing normal hunger; not, the headache, feel sick, need something unhealthy to stop me feinting, hunger. I didn't sleep well last night and usually by the end of Tuesday I have a migraine brewing, but I feel quite content. I hope this holds up and I don't fall off the wagon. I had a great dinner, it was perfect for an autumn evening, when you come home famished. I could do with a hot chocolate and to read some of my harry potter, but I'm already over the syns, so maybe warm soy milk for my Healthy A, or Alpro chocolate, I assume that can be a healthy A if I have less? Food Diary Breakfast - Nothing Lunch - Pre-cooked wholewheat pasta (F), asparagus(SF), Mushroom (SF), garlic (SF), Brocolli (SF) Dinner - 2 Linda McCartney Vegetarian Sausages (4syns), fried mushroom (SF) and courgette (SF) in Frylight (F), 2 slices of Hovis Nimble from 400g loaf (HEB), baked beans (F) Snacks - Grapes (SF), Clementines (SF) Syns - Green and Blacks 6 cubes (5.5), Starbucks Tall Soya Mocha (8syns) Total Syns: 17.5 Total HEA: 0 Total HEB: 1 I may possibly have a HEA in the form of warm Alpro Chocolate when I find out how much I should have! x Kayla x

Wow fabulous menu.

See preparation is the key to success.

I always have my lunch ready cos when you are hungry & not organised then thats when you just grab whats easiest & thats usually a mcdonalds or something.

You are doin fab.

Dxxx