Before, during and (eventually) after...Paul's open and honest account.

I started writing a diary even before I joined here so I've decided to 'go public' with it all...As I said, it's an open and honest account of my long journey ahead....

[FONT=&quot]October 8th 2010[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]So here I sit, sad and in hate with myself...it’s hardly a new feeling is it Paul.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I don’t want to look in the mirror and I certainly don’t want to step onto the scales. I’m now at a point where I must be at my heaviest, if not then I’m very close to it. Still, I either want to do this or I don’t.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]So there I have it, my scales have told me I am ‘officially’ twenty stone and eight pounds. It’s no surprise really I’ve been abusing myself with food for too many years but things have to change and they will...That’s the first step taken anyway, making the decision to do something about it, not just for a few months or a few years but for life. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I searched the internet and it’s going to be Slimming World for me, I like the sound of this ‘Extra Easy’ plan. I’ve spoken to Cheryl and she seems a lovely lady but I am unable to start immediately as I’m going away for three weeks to help a mate out with his business. I’m staying in a bed and breakfast and I’ll be eating out every night whilst I’m away- great. If I’m honest I’m not happy about it, I really do want to get started straight away but it just won’t be feasible so I’ll have to wait.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]It’s gone on too long, as I’ve said, and as my forty-sixth birthday looms large on the horizon it’s becoming more of a health issue too. Having said that, there’s a long list of reasons why I want to kiss the fat goodbye. Christ, where do I start?[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I hate that I don’t play sport/games with my boys, what sort of example am I setting them? I hate that when I do find the energy I want to quit after five minutes. I hate that I sweat like a pig when I do anything physical. I hate having to wear clothes that cling to me because XXL is too small. I hate the [severe] acid indigestion I suffer from, I hate the sleep apnea I have sometimes and the fear of it, I hate the fact that it’s a struggle to tie my shoe laces from a standing position, I hate my reflection, I hate feeling unattractive to my beautiful wife, I hate that I’ve stopped caring about myself, I hate dreading days when the temperature rises above seventy degrees and I hate not being able to be the real me.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Quite a long list I suppose but I bet there are many more things I hate associated with being six stone overweight. It’s about four weeks until I start at Slimming World, I can’t wait for it to get here.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Nov 8th 2010 [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]So the day has finally arrived. Having just stepped off the scales it’s depressing to realise they read: TWENTY stone ELEVEN pounds...Jesus H Christ, I can’t believe I’m nearly twenty-one stone. I’m off to meet Cheryl and the group of people I’m (hopefully) going to become friends with over the next year or more.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Slimming World scales had me at twenty stone, ten and a half pounds. Cheryl was great, really friendly as were the people I spoke to. I’m one of five new starters this week, must be something in the air! I wasn’t daunted by the fact that it was mostly women, I expected it. Already I have seen how friendly and supportive the group is going to be. I’m not sure about the all the clapping as each person is talked about but I’m sure I’ll be ok with it all.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I’ve decided that I’m going to detox today and resist the temptation to ‘pig out’ one last time. I’ll go shopping tomorrow and get all the food I want for the week but I’m already dreading Friday. Yep, a drive up to Sheffield to be taken out for lunch by Nigel with a few others in tow. Trouble is, three of the four are huge eaters and we’re going to an American Burger Bar where the special is a half-pounder burger in a giant bap with lashings of melted cheese. A special, I’m told, that I just have to try.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]12th Nov 2010 [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Wow, how proud of myself am I? I’ve been so good all week and today I came face to face with the ultimate temptation but I resisted. There were cheese nachos for starters, along with cheese-filled bread sticks, BBQ chicken and pork with side salads on the plates, I picked at the salads – no one else wanted them anyway. For the main course I had gammon steak (I cut off the fat), jacket spud (no butter) and salad. I so nearly succumbed though, I was being goaded the whole time and all the crappy food looked and smelt so good. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]I refuse to weigh myself, as much as I want to. I just know if I step on the scales and I’m the same weigh or a pound less than I was four days ago, then I’m going to be gutted. I haven’t been eating all my sins though. Cheryl suggested I start at twenty but I’ve already told myself to have fifteen at most. I’m not doing this half-heartedly, it just has to be all or nothing, there’s no point in doing it otherwise. I haven’t done any exercise though, none more than I usually do so I hope that’s not going to count against me too much.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]15th Nov 2010 [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Not sure if I’m looking forward to this or not, my first weigh-in. I’ve followed the plan religiously and I’m hoping to have lost around the six-pound mark, I’ve eaten so much so I can’t see it being any more than that.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Home and....Oh,,,,my,,,,GOD!...I’ve lost twelve and a half pounds! I actually thought the scales were faulty. I actually felt embarrassed sat there during the meeting, not because Cheryl made me wear the silver halo for the duration but because it seemed so unreal. I’m not kidding myself though, I know this amount is a one-off and it’ll never be repeated but it’s certainly the boost I needed. I’m even more pleased I resisted on Friday now- makes it all worthwhile. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]It’s been so easy though, food wise. There wasn’t one day where I felt I was missing out (discounting Friday of course) and I’m really happy I can eat meals like bacon, egg, chips and beans! I’m also very aware that it’s still a novelty, I’m not bored yet by the food I’m, in a sense, limited to. Breakfast is difficult because I’m not a lover of cereals and I really, really, really don’t want to miss having a sandwich at lunchtime. With that in mind, I’ve decided to have fruit for breakfast every morning.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I still can't bring myself to look in the full-length mirror (topless), that’s going to take a little while yet I think. Sitting here and writing that has made me realise my mental state is going to have to change with the weight loss. There’s a big danger of me continuing to see what I see now, even when I lose weight. All bar a few weeks (different times), I’ve spent the last thirty years seeing myself as a big fatty. I understand too that I have emotional baggage I have to shed along with the fat, stuff that’s been there since childhood. I don’t blame my parents any more, not like I once did. Ok, so they never praised me for anything I did well and were always quick to put me down if I did wrong but it’s not their fault, they had learnt that from their own parents. Still, it has left its scars on me because I have little or no faith in my ability, let alone my potential. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do wonder if I’ll ever be able to see the good (in me) that other people have said they see. Find it hard to believe people like me, let alone love me because of being put down as a child. I suppose you do start, at a young age, to wonder if there is any good in you if your parents don’t even like you. I don’t mean that to sound too ‘feel sorry for me’, I’m not saying my parents didn’t/don’t love me, I’m sure they do but I can only assume I grew up feeling as though I wasn’t really liked. The offset (in adulthood) of all this, is you don’t have any faith in your own ability to do anything well, whatever that may be. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So this isn’t just a case of simply losing weight, it’s a case of losing weight and losing the emotional demons which lie within me. Shedding the blubber can only be a good thing as it’ll help me, amongst everything else, to see myself in a different light. With each pound I lose I’m hoping to leave a piece of emotional baggage behind. I’m looking forward to the journey!! [/FONT]

Wow, nice first loss. You must be over the moon. Well done

What a great read!
Good luck - sounds like you're really in the zone! Well done!

Many thanks to those of you who have commented

[FONT=&quot]19th Nov 2010[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Been quite a mixed week thus far, more easily explained by suggesting it was both good and bad. Bad came late Wednesday night when the midnight-munchies hit me. Never having been a lover of most things salad or fruit it’s been quite difficult finding things to munch on at times like this, having said that it was too late to eat really. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I think Claire feels guilty sometimes, when I’m sat on the sofa wishing the hunger pangs would go whilst she sits there munching on a 400g bar of Whole Nut. It’s not her fault that she can eat anything and stay slim so I’ve told her not to worry about it. I really do have to get past this problem I have with people who can eat whatever they like and not put on any weight. No, I haven’t got a problem with these people per say, just the fact that they can do it. If I’m honest, I actually feel hard done by, saying to myself in the past, ‘It’s so unfair I was born this way’ which is a ridiculous way of looking at things. I acknowledge that me being six stone overweight is no one’s fault but my own. It’s not as though I was a fat child because I wasn’t. The weight started piling on as soon as I started shoving piles of crap down my throat and the more of it I ate and drunk, the more weight I gained. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out whose fault it is. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and give my body the nourishment it needs to operate properly.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Getting back to my point, it has been a good week in many ways too. Before I started with SW I just didn’t realise I would be able to eat what I do. I don’t mean the amount of food as such, I know I can eat mounds of free food but I don’t see the point. I need to reduce my appetite as well and eating a pile of pasta the size of a small hill won’t help in the long run. It’s the food itself I’m enjoying; Meat with potatoes, bacon and egg, chips and the list goes on. It’s fantastic that I’m not feeling deprived. Anyway, I got past those munchies and settled for a black coffee instead.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I’ve decided to change the way I/we shop as well. I’ll now go to the supermarket on a Friday and a Tuesday. It doesn’t help living in a village and having to travel seven miles to get to the shops but it’s a small price. By shopping twice a week it’ll help me with choices because I don’t want to get to the Thursday and realise my choices for food on that day are massively limited. I’ll be cooking a big roast dinner on Sunday so I’m going easy on my sins today and tomorrow so I can have (proper) roasties and a Yorkshire pud. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]22nd Nov 2010 [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] It’s weigh in day and despite having Apple sauce on the pork eating half a dozen roasties and a Yorkshire yesterday, I’m hoping for a good result. I’ve given myself another pat on the back though as I resisted the temptation to have any of the crackling (which I’ve got down to a fine art now- which made it even harder!) or the cheesecake and cream. It’s times like those, during my weight loss, where I have to have that steely determination...so far, so good. It’s nearly ten o’clock so I’m off to get weighed.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Woot! Another five and half pounds off, I’m chuffed to bits. I had to wear the silver halo again and I was Slimmer of the Week [/FONT][FONT=&quot] So that’s eighteen pounds in two weeks and I still haven’t started exercising yet. Despite this elated feeling I’ve got to keep my feet firmly on the ground and realise the decreases are going to slow down. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Had quite a laugh with the women I’m sitting next to in the meeting. I was telling them about the crackling episode and, despite being experienced cooks, they were asking me for my secrets to getting the said crackling perfect. In addition they were all being very supportive and made me feel very welcome within the group. One of the other men in the group (who started the same week as I did and has about the same weight to lose) was disappointed at losing seven pounds in the first two weeks, using me as an example to explain his disappointment. Cheryl, in reply, said I (in the nicest possible way) was ‘strange’. She said that it isn’t normal to lose the amount I have in two weeks. We had a giggle about what she said but it did make it hit home that my weight loss will slow down. If anything, it might prove to me that I’m not ‘supposed’ to be fat- not that anyone is supposed to be- what I’m trying to say is, perhaps my body does react well to me eating healthily. I guess time will tell.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I do have one concern for the coming six weeks and that’s the Ashes (England v Australia in cricket). I will be staying up through the night to watch the games and that may well throw my body clock up the wall. It will mean me staying all night and not getting up until 11am. I’ve never been one of life’s great sleepers, five hours sleep a night is more than adequate for me. So I’ll get up about 11am, have breakfast by midday, lunch about 4pm and dinner around 9pm. If changing my routine has a negative outcome on the scales next week then I’ll change back. Either I’ll deal with the hunger that’ll hit me hard about 2am or I’ll actually (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) miss the live cricket and go to bed. I’m that determined to be successful in losing this weight I’ll even miss watching the Ashes, something I haven’t missed doing since I was eighteen. [/FONT]

Gread read Paul, I wish you every success on your journey

porkypaul said:

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[FONT=&quot]I’m not sure about the all the clapping as each person is talked about but I’m sure I’ll be ok with it all.[/FONT]

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This did make me smile, I remember my first class when I was thinking 'oh how naff' lol, but within a few weeks I was like a performing seal . I do miss my personal weekly clap if for some reason I can't stay to class, and dont even get me started on the elation of a new sticker lol

Wow great read i can definitely relate to some of this, your losses are especially good seeing you haven't even started exercising yet!

Best wishes in your journey and fingers crossed for the ashes!

Rick

Hi Paul!

Just read through your diary, and its interesting to see that guys have just the same emotional responses to weight issues as us women do!

I wish I could tell you that you will have an easy time of losing weight and it will be a breeze, but nothing worth fighting for is ever easy. I have lost almost 6 stone this year, and now i feel like a totally different person. The journey for me has been difficult, but for slightly different reasons to the usual weight loss reasons, but my journey has been no less difficult than anyone elses, just different demons to deal with.

Hunger is the worst thing isnt it? I can cope with anything but i cant do hunger. The trick is to plan your meals, dont miss any, especially breakfast and just find that willpower to get you through. The way ive dealt with it, is to get my head fixed on the idea that im just losing weight for one day only, and that i just have to get through it one day at a time. So today im dieting. Then when ive got through today and got that one out of the way, then i move onto the next day and apply the same mental reasoning to it.

You have made a fantastic start, and long may you continue to get good weight losses, although weekly weight losses may not always make sense. You can have the best food week ever and lose a mediocre amount, and then another week when you are convinced the scales are not going to be on your side they totally surprise you.

I really admire your determination to get through this and well done on starting the diary, it will be a great help to you in the days and weeks ahead. Good luck with your journey!

[FONT=&quot]26th Nov 2010[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]It’s lunch at the cricket...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I don’t think it’s possible to have two more contrasting days/nights than these past two. Wednesday was far from easy even though I ate very well. Breakfast was a couple of pieces of fruit, which I never fancy having and which I have to force myself to eat. One of my major weaknesses has always been bread and bread products so a sandwich for lunch is a must for me. I use Extra Light Mayo instead of butter/marg. I had a ham, cheese (28g) and red onion sandwich, a packet of Quavers and an apple for lunch and dinner was bacon, egg, mushrooms, chips and baked beans with a Hi-fibre (choc and orange) bar for dessert. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Having eaten all the above I still had that ‘feeling’ of wanting to go and eat crap, it’s puzzling and bloody annoying feeling that way. So often in the past I’ve been making the boys (school) lunchboxes for the next day and made myself a sarnie, crisps and choc bar simply because I had all the ingredients out on the kitchen side. I wasn’t even hungry when I did this but it was all there so why not. So feeling as I did then, making their lunch was quite difficult. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Watched the cricket (wish I hadn’t- useless England) weds night, bed about 6 am and woke up about half-past eleven Thursday morning. It was a bit later than I’d planned as I had to run into town so grabbed an apple on the move. I was fairly busy in the afternoon and before I knew it the boys were home from school. I had a stew on the go for them and had been adding bits and pieces to that when I realised I hadn’t eaten lunch. It was 4pm by now. I grabbed a hi-fib bar until I had my own dinner about six. Managed to get a lovely piece of Gammon whilst in town, so had that with pots, peas and a fried egg, was yummy. Then later in the evening I had 28g of cheese on a few small crackers and a pack of French Fries.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So I ‘suffered’ like I did on Wednesday yet on the Thursday, when I ate less, I felt much more content and had to almost force myself to eat because I didn’t feel hungry. It’s mad! Perhaps weds was all about my body trying to hijack my progress and demanded I eat crap and give it its fat fix lol. But it helped me realise my will power has to be strong because it will not be the last time it happens.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I re-read through my diary earlier and I had one of those ‘light-bulb’ moments re not being a fat child. I grew up on a 350-house council estate and went to a fair sized junior school and thinking back, I don’t remember any fat kids either on the estate or at school. Like most people during the 1970’s, we had a proper cooked dinner every night and always had a pudding to follow. There was never any talk of a healthy dinner back then and (full fat) rice pudding, jam roly poly with custard, treacle pudding etc etc are hardly the healthiest sweets. We didn’t have skimmed or semi-skimmed milk, no ‘reduced fat’ food options either and the only diet drinks I remember were ‘Tab’ and ‘1-cal’ both of which were bloody awful tasting. I can only conclude that we, as a nation but especially kids, were that much more active. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]It’s not far off two- thirty in the morning and I was correct in my earlier assumption that I’d be really hungry about this time because I am! Even though I didn’t eat all my sins earlier I’m not going to eat this late, I’ll just have to grin and bear it. [/FONT]

We were more active and ate a whole lot healthier then in 70's, how things have changed so drastically in the last 30 or 40 years. When you look at all the lifestyle changes that have happened since then with the way the food industry and the leisure industries have changed its no wonder we are now a nation of fatties. I think we have come too far to turn the clock back to those healthier times. I do blame the food industry for the increase in obesity and the corresponding increase in type 2 diabetes, they make way too much money out of the 'lowfat' diet revolution to allow us to believe there are better healthier ways to beat obesity. Fast food and ready meals are a way of life for us now, and people are forgetting how to prepare and cook healthy meals. Im as guilty as anyone for indulging in this, and now im paying the price.

Well done for beating the 'midnight munchies'

Good luck! I've enjoyed Reading your diary, great wright losses!
Look forward to seeing more x

Diet coke is good as an alternative to full fat coke but its not good to get in to the habit of drinking it often, i have it occasionally when i fancy something fizzy.

Your doing well, keep it up

Welcome Paul, so nice to have another male on board, and that aint me appearing sexist. But I think weight loss and males is still a silent battle (slowly changing). I am so looking forward to reading journey notes and gaining some tips along the way. "No one said it was easy, but wanting to achieve is the spark to get you there, especially in the low points". (of which I wish you none) Good luck

jockiejoe said:

Welcome Paul, so nice to have another male on board, and that aint me appearing sexist. But I think weight loss and males is still a silent battle (slowly changing). I am so looking forward to reading journey notes and gaining some tips along the way. "No one said it was easy, but wanting to achieve is the spark to get you there, especially in the low points". (of which I wish you none) Good luck

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Yeah Man Power!

porkypaul said:

26th Nov 2010



I know I've used the old chestnut about using food as an emotional crutch many times in the past but seeing as this is an honest and open account of things, I have to admit to that not being the case, I realise that now. Yes, some people do use/need food as a crutch but it's only ever been an excuse for me...an excuse to try and make myself feel less guilty about being too fat and perhaps to get people to feel sorry for me.

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Best wishes on your journey Paul .Hope you keep on keeping on and being honest along your way.