Hi Julz
Lovely to see you back. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time recently.
I recognise what you are saying about beating yourself up and not feeling good enough. What do you think of the book that The Real Me recommended? I'm still plodding on with my latest books, so not going to buy another more just yet.
Hope you're having a good weekend
Hi Debbie and TRM, thanks, I am sure it will get better soon, it is a really strange process I seem to be going through, and I seem to swing from one extreme to the other with no 'reason', and it seems to happen really fast as well.
I am reading and enjoying the book, got it on my kindle which is great so it is always to hand. At the beginning it says that you might need to re read it and I agree. I am about half way through and have gone back a couple of times to 'get it'.
I feel I am making small steps forward, my logical brain (adult) sees things in one way and I seem to make the right decisions, then almost on a whim and for no logical reason, my naughty child kicks in and off I go. This can be really sudden with nothing that has happened, no upset it just seems to happen. It is all about choice of course, and most of the time, I am able to step back and use cbt techniques and pull myself together and keep being the adult.
Probably 20% of the time I know what is happening and make the decision to carry on anyway and sort of have a mini binge. I say sort of because sometimes I overeat rubbish, another time it could be I just have a bigger portion and feel over full but in fact have not done any damage.
Most of the time I am able to rationalise the situation, but I struggle to keep 'in control'.
Even to the extent of I could be in the middle of exercising and the 'mood' (whatever it is, can't actually put a name to it) comes over me and I just think, 'stuff it' and stop. Why is that?????? Rhetorical question.............
I know I have been through the mill a bit lately, nothing life threatening, but I think it is all together adding up. Had my blood test results last Friday, GP trying to find out why I am so cold all the time, (not LL), well most ok, I have high cholesterol 6.2, GP happy because my weight is much better, not quite where I should be he reminded me! He does not agree or want to talk about LL, 'don't get me started', his words.
Anyway, it is 90% genetic, my good cholesterol is very good, so he is not prescribing any medication (hooray!). I told him I will take some plant sterols which will help bring it down, GP not worried enough to retest me so that is reassuring. My dad died of heart problems and his dad so its there in the background but manageable.
Last Monday was the funeral of my uncle who passed away with aggressive lung cancer which the same as my mum, as it's really a horrible way to go, and brought back lots of sad memories which, although it was a long time ago with my mum, it still cuts very deep and I thought I had dealt with it all. That is not the case, but I am working through it and recognising it which is a great step forward.
It certainly has been a long road and I am not there yet, but I am feeling as if I am moving in the right direction.
I guess part of it is the feeling of not being in control, total was 'easy' as there was limited choice and I really did not deviate except on holiday. Now as I have full choice, it seems as if I am not able to make the right choices.
I have been tinkering with going back to total for a couple of weeks and had even planned it but never made it, I think that might be the 'easiest' solution, but then in a few weeks time i will be in the same position again.......
I know my water intake is not good either, finishing total, I have been aware of a bladder problem. I thought it was just the volume of water I was drinking meaning I constantly needed the loo, but then it got to the stage where I had to go with nearly no notice and felt like I was constantly in the loo. GP has given me tablets which seem to work ok, effectively a 'chemical bung' as my GP so quaintly put it. Well the effects are, I don't go so often, which is great, other effects are constantly dry mouth, very dry hair so it's gone frizzy, dry skin even with cream. Benefits are great, negatives no so good.
Also, not sleeping so well, stress levels around work are up, if things don't pick up there will be more redundancies and I don't feel in a good enough place to find another job. I have been looking but feel my confidence is poor again. Menopause????? I have increased my soya intake so hope that will help the mood swings, if they are hormonal.
I also think I take on too much and have high expectations of myself, which then I put pressure on myself to do, finding it hard to say no scenario....
I did an hour or so of exercise this morning, 30 day shred, lateral thigh trainer, etc, so was on track, brought an edamame salad into work, then had a stressy moment and started on the chocolate. Dinner, roast, sprouts, carrots, sweet potato, broccoli......... followed by.. chocolate!
Agree with point about the different levels and the expectations of what effort I need to put in, and another thing, I feel like a spoilt child!:sigh:
Well that's me just about done for the day, hope you have a good week, catch you all later
Jx