Some lovely posts in this thread, and great advice... I think we've all been there, pumpkin. One thing I'd say is that guilt and self-criticism are both totally futile and won't help. And besides that, it is NOT your fault. Sounds to me that the mindset and behaviours promoted by the dieting industry and their programmes have a big part to play in your own personal food demons. They've taken your money, yanked you around, encouraged you to think short term, encouraged you to basically starve, then sat back waiting for your body to do the only natural thing - eat to excess in the face of 'famine,' so you'd have to go back and buy more of their ridiculous products.
To me, that's criminal. The kind of misery these companies promote all in pursuit of cash is just disgusting.
But you've come out the other side and you're on your own two feet now and controlling what happens to you. The big step in that is finding a sustainable way of eating that satisfies you and puts the binging demons to sleep once and for all. That is tough, though, it's tough for anyone who's ever been yanked around by the yo-yo, because your body and mind have come to dread the whole 'dieting' thing as it's always been equated with unpleasant starvation and negativity. It's not your fault at all that your body still has the odd panic attack where it feels it has to reach out and eat loads to stave off approaching famine. I think that's why it's so important to just ditch the dieting mindset once and for all and know that this time you're embracing a lifestyle that is good for you and will nourish you properly for the rest of your life.
I used to binge a lot, too. In my chocoholic days that was anything up to 50 bars, or several kilos, of chocolate. I still have days where I eat to excess, but the only difference now is that I do it mostly with relatively 'safe' foods like fruit and veg and jelly. Keeping well stocked up on these can be a lifeline in moments of weakness. Give yourself that permission to satisfy your hunger whenever it strikes with good foods. Have several portions of fruit, a healthy sandwich, a big mug of Options hot choc and a couple of cereal bars. You can have the comfort of food when you really need it, but making healthier choices will get you into good patterns of behaviour, and you'll hopefully find these little splurges more satisfying than just sitting down with a pack of biccies, which never seem to hit the spot however many you eat!
I know from my own binges that it's not all emotional. I think there's a big physical component. If you slow yourself down a bit when you feel the urge to binge strike, you'll notice how your whole body tenses up like it's preparing for a fight. Your gut clenches, your muscles spasm, your breathing is a lot more shallow, and you find it tough to focus on anything other than getting your hit of food, and doing it as quickly as possible. I know it sounds daft, but if you can just try taking one moment and trying to get your body to relax, taking some deep breaths, having a time-out, and getting away from that feeling of tense desperation, it can maybe help with breaking the cycle. The next time you really want to binge, maybe try making yourself a steaming mug of Highlights/Options hot choc and taking it with you to a quiet corner and curling up, sipping it, letting everything unclench, closing your eyes for a while and letting the heat and choccy flavour relax you. If you add a little pinch of cayenne pepper and one of cinnamon to your hot chocolate, I find it gives you a great warming, relaxing heat and makes it very satisfying. If you're still hungry after that, have a healthy snack or three. You can, you're allowed to, it's not wrong or bad!!
As for being surrounded by the skinnies on holiday - oh heck, do I know what you're talking about there. I spent all my teenage years being the big girl. 5'10" and built like an oak tree, and my best mates were all size 6/8. I will say something, though, looking at your stats I bet you carry whatever weight you have far better than you feel you do at your height. People used to tell me that and I thought it was a platitude, but it's true that with a bit of height you can rock it pretty darn well - and I think it's all to do with the attitude you bring to it. The irony, too, is that I've yet to meet the man who truly preferred a size 8 to a curvy 16. I bet you have some banging curves, and while you're losing weight, I think you should make the most of them! I know it's tough to fake confidence you don't feel, but if you just make a vow one evening to doll yourself up and wear something eye-popping and curve-enhancing, get out there and act confidently and happily, you may be surprised just how much of a magnet it makes you to other people. It's all that counts at the end of the day - it's not about your size or shape, it's about your mindset and your confidence. There's nothing more attractive in a man or a woman than someone who looks happy with themselves. Got to fake that until you make it, I guess! Look on it as practice for how you'll act when you get to your target. If you can start giving yourself some of the love and respect you deserve right now, it does take off some of the pressure - and you have a right to enjoy yourself and enjoy life right now, it shouldn't be dependent on something as relatively tiny as your weight!
Please don't feel down - you *will* get where you want to be. Ignore the inner punishing demons and give yourself some credit for all the good days and positive things you do, and everything you have to offer. You deserve that!
If anything it will help you with your diet really. Also if your finding you are eating crap, try eating it in smaller quantities so your sticking to your cals maybe so then you dont feel so deprived?
