Bethyi's Diary.

[Bethyi]

I'm not sure how many of you will read this as it's mostly going to be very long. What can I say, writing helps me take my mind off things all the while I am working things out and I think I'll be needing a lot of this kinda therapeutic action in my life over the next few months. I hope some of you stay long enough to read it all Here we go!!

29.02.12
​

Tomorrow marks the day I begin my drastic change. I've spent too long wishing I was thinner and trying diets which weren't working. The one time I did lose weight I was starving myself and still hardly losing anything. I've thrown up after too many meals and not felt an ounce of shame. I'm becoming someone that I sneer at and wouldn't think twice about judging. Tomorrow is when I change.

Tomorrow morning I begin my real transformation, both in body and in mind. Lipotrim wont only help me shed the stones that have clung to me for so many years, it'll also change the way I see food. A few months of Lipotrim shakes will leave me craving real food. Good food will mean something to me. I wont shovel it in like I'm trying to win a prize. I'll be able to taste the food again and I will be more aware of what's going into my body.

I have Sie to help me, and I have Mum and James too. James who loves me, and said he will support me. James who has vowed to stay in on a Friday night with me when I can no longer drink alcohol.

Alcohol. I'd never seen myself as an alcoholic, not even nearly. I didn't even see myself as dependent on booze. It was something I had for a bit of fun at the end of the week, of course at university alcohol never keeps itself to the weekend, it sneaks into the weekday like a dog that's uncomfortable on the floor in the middle of the night, lifting itself onto the bed without waking you. Now I consider that I wont be drinking for a few months I'm beginning to wonder if I was wrong about my dependency on vodka and shots. I'm dreading the first FND (Friday Night Disco) or student night after beginning. I know I can be strong and if I can give up solid food then I'll easily cut out alcohol. Isn't being T-Total supposed to be empowering? I hope that isn't bullshit made up by those that are T-Total.

I start my diet at a hefty 17st. To be half happy with myself I need to lose at least 7st. 7st. 7st. Seven motherf*cking stone. This is the part where I'm supposed to say "How did I let myself get this way?" But if I'm honest being fat is all I know. I've always been fat, as a kid I was fat. I've never not been fat. Perhaps there was a time when I 'wasn't so fat' but being 'not so fat' is no different to being 'OMG FAT'. Fat is fat. I am fat. It doesn't matter if I start at 17st or if I start at 27st. Either way I am fat. Either way losing weight is going to be hard and emotional.

That's something I worry about most. Emotions. I am emotional at times, but no one else knows this. People know I get angry easily and some class that as being emotional but the emotion I am most worried about is the sadness. I don't cry in front of many people. Don't get me wrong, I cry a lot. I cry at films and at books and whenever anyone says something mean to me I cry, but I cry in the comfort of my mother's arms or in the solitude of my own room, not in the middle on Sainsbury's because I can't have a piece of chocolate or a packet of crisps. Sie thinks I'll 'boss it', in other words I'll do it without looking back, I'll plough through this diet like it's nothing, and even though I appreciate his attempt to make me feel better I know that I wont take it in my stride as easily as he thinks. I give myself until the third day before I start crying.

I'm sick of being that fat person with the good sense of humor that everyone knows. The one no one ever sees as 'sexy' but rather 'funny'. I think myself blessed to have had some of the boyfriends I've had, but it makes me wonder, were they weird 'chubby chasers' or did they just not see the rolls of fat hanging in front of me. Were they enticed by my promises of losing weight like James was?

He doesn't say it in so many words but I know he wants me to lose weight. He has been waiting for me to. He asks if I've been to the gym, not because he is interested in what I've been up to but because he wants me to lose weight. Is it that my face is worth waiting for? Will losing weight make me as good or better than Gemma, or Shing, or any of the good looking people I know. I was once told that if I lost weight I could be a model, was that just a lie or is it true?

I've not had a problem with my face for a long time. I'm not sure if it's because I have a bigger problem with my body or if it's because my face generally isn't too bad. All I know is that I need to lose the fat before I can worry about my face or anything else.

I have lots of reasons for wanting to lose weight. Not looking the worst in a group photo, or at least not having to hide behind other people. Being able to buy cheap clothes in any shop I damn well want to. Not that I'd let him, but I'd like to know James could bench me if he wanted. Even weighing less than a 6'2 slab of muscle would be an amazing outcome. Running up the stairs without feeling as though I'm going to die. Fitting into those light blue jeans. Wearing that sexy black lacy dress out and about. Showing my legs off. Rings that fit my fingers. Not feeling the need to throw up after meals. I might even be able to come off my anti depressants if I was happy with my appearance. I want James friends to be envious of him. I don't want to be embarrassed whenever he introduces me to people, as though they are thinking "What's he doing with a big ol' fatty?". I want skinny pictures so when I'm old I'll be able to look back and know I got something out of my younger self. I want to wear a bikini. I want to wear calf boots that fit. I want to wear skinny jeans and tight skirts. I want to look a camera head on, rather than at a downward angle to hide my second chin. I want to stop obsessing over my stretch marks. I want to spend less on food shopping. I want to feel comfortable getting unchanged in front of James. And I want to cuddle him without worrying that he is groping my back fat and thinking about how gross it is. I want to break my food addictions. I want to have a healthy eating plan that I wont want to stray from every day. I want to feel sexy enough to try new sexual positions. I want James to find me irresistible. I want him to want me the way I want him. I want to show all my exes that they were stupid to ever treat me the way they did, I want to show them what they could have had if they supported me. I want to show all the people I went to school with that I'm not a fat b*tch and that there is more for me out there. I want people to be shocked when they see me and I want to shrug it off like it's no big deal, even though I know it's the hardest thing I'll ever do.

Start weight: 17st
Start Clothing Size: 20
Goal Weight: 10st
Goal Clothing Size: 12

Achievements:
One day TFR:
One week TFR:
One month TFR:
15st:
12st:
10st:
Size 16:
Size 14:
Size 12:
Weigh less than James:
Weigh less than Sie:
Have a healthy BMI:
Waist 35 inches:
Waist 32 inches:
Waist 30 inches:
Hips 40 inches:
Hips 37 Inches:
Bust 40 inches:
Bust 37 inches:

 

[stellahod]

You seem to have set yourself up for a fall at the first hurdle. Weight loss there is no quick fix it's down to hard work and determination, you have plenty of that reading your story, but your not going about it the right way. I too have always been overweight and hide in the shadows, I joined slimming world first week after Christmas, so far I have not looked back.. I'm not starving myself quite the contrary, there is so much food you can eat, you just have to know how to apply it. I am now 9weeks in and lost 1.5 stone with eating. Yes you will loose weight on a shake diet, but as soon as you come of that the weight will go back on and more and then your back to square 1 if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. This saying always haunts me because it's true. you have to want to loose weight for you not any one else. You have to learn to love yourself first before you can let any one else love you. You appear to be head strong in your approach and you need to apply this to your slimming journey. I wish you every success with your diet, and if you want to share with others then that's good. Keep your chin up Hun and stay strong.

 

[Bethyi]

Thank you for your reply Stellahod. I know about the weight coming back on as I did a crash diet before without and it all went back on. My bestfriend did Lipotrim last year and lost 12st. He managed to keep it off and lose another two stone also. It's just about being careful and refeeding properly. I'm lucky enough to have a friend that'll know exactly what I'm going through and will help me keep it off.

I know it looks like I'm saying I'm doing it for other people, but really I'm doing it for myself, when I mention other people it's only because I want to change the way I feel in front of them, not the way they feel towards me, if you get what I mean. I want to feel confident and better than the people that bullied me in school and the way I'm going to do that is by changing my lifestyle for the better and getting fitter.

Thank you for your encouragement though!

 

[Dusty67]

Hi Bethyi,

welcome aboard the LT adventure.

What a shame that the first reply to your diary was not one of encouragment and congratulations for facing what has obviulsy been a difficult decision.

Just so you know, I've tried every diet/slimming club/ get healthy initiative there is. In the 20+ years I've been trying to lose weight I've actually gained the best part of 11 stone, almost doubling my wieght.

Don't get me wrong, I have lost weight through calorie counting/ food combining (thats what SW is after all)/ gyming. I was even seeing a weight trainer for the best part of 6 months. I can loose 2-3 stone but then my wieght stalls and then I put it all back on with even more besides.

So, LT is my attempt to not only lose weight but all to free myself from the hold food has over me in my life. After all, to get to the BMI I started with is a sign that there's something more wrong than I just eat too much. It is a form of additicon, (and I might even go as far as to say a form of self harm).
No-one would tell an alcoholic to just cut down or a drug user to try just having half the amount. But for those of us with deep seated issues around food, it seems ok to say just cut back! So by going TFR you are breaking the addiciton.

Yes, for it to be succesful you need to also use the time to face your issues, wokr through them and then learn new habits around food. But it seems to me that's exactly what you were starting to do in your first post.

It's not about "setting yourself up to fail" as the other poster "helpfully" implied. Rather its about being on a forum where we can feel safe/confident enough to be totaly honest about why we are here.

You were really brave in writing down everything you did and you'll find on here the posters are ususally nothing but supportive! So please don't be put off!

I started off at 24 stone, and now I'm in the 20's. I've moved from a 28/30 size to wearing a 22 dress today (don't get me wrong, I still can't get my backside in anything less than a 26 jeans ) and I'm feeling so much better.

Even more rewarding is that after over 12 months in hibernation, my love life has finally started again! That's something i never thought I'd share on here. My hubby is just like the man you describe. He never made me feel bad, and always told me I was gorgeous. there's a song called The Story in which the singer (Brandi Carlile) says

And even when i was flat broke
You made me feel like a milllion bucks

And that was my hubby. Even though I felt so fat and unattractive, he never made me feel anyhting less than great!
But I know he wanted me to lose weight and since he has chest problems, bedroom antics left him too breathless. But now I'm so much lighter, things are easier and the drought is over .

So, stick with us girly, and we'll have you there soon!

 

[Bethyi]

Thank you so much Dusty67! That's exactly what I needed to hear today. I've just finished my first shake.

It sounds crude but I feel the same in the bedroom! When my boyfriend can lift me up and throw me on the bed without going "Ergh!" then I'll feel like I've made an accomplishment!

I'm so glad I've found this website. I think if I hadn't seen all the great progress everyone had made then I'd never have worked up the courage to start.

I totally agree that it's a form or self harm, I feel as though I'm eating to make myself feel happier but really it's the reason I'm miserable. I think it helps but it just fuels the thing that's upsetting me in the first place.

As I said I really needed to hear that and thank you so much for taking the time to read my first post and comment so constructively, it's really given me what I need to get through my first day.

 

[Dusty67]

Glad to be of help

As you can see, we both started with very similar BMIs and you can see how quickly I've seen a big change.

Whilst your such a shorty p) you could see you BMI falling even quicker than me.
Good luck, you've done the hardest thing by joining up to the diet.

Focus on getting through the first three days; then the first three weeks then three months!

 

[MimiD1968]

Bethyi

I totally agree with Dusty67, this is a very difficult decision to make to go on LT. Its not something that we do light heartedly. You are very brave and honest. I truely believe that if you can get through the first few days then you will commit. I am only on day 10 and it is very hard. But at least with LT you get the benefit of seeing results from the start. Stick it out, this site is great for encouragement and it takes guts to write about yourself. Use this site to spur you on. Believe in yourself and keep the dream of a lighter you! Someone wise once wrote, it is hard to be fat, and it is hard to diet, you decide the hard. So keep strong and go for it... Your first wi will give you a great buzz. Remember its not forever but it will get you where you want to be.

 

[like_a_feather]

Hi Hun, ive only got a minute but just wanted to post and say that I relate to most of that, especially the relationship stuff. I was the same as you 4 weeks ago, and I'm now 19.5lbs down and so confident I can do it. This is so hard, and mindf***ing, and you will be tempted and feel like giving up, but stick with it. It's our time. If you have a few months of hardworking it will undo all of the habits, weight gain, and unhealthiness. You can be slim for summer. If you stick to it, it will work.

Stay strong hun and if you ever wanna chat just message me xx

 

[like_a_feather]

You seem to have set yourself up for a fall at the first hurdle. Weight loss there is no quick fix it's down to hard work and determination, you have plenty of that reading your story, but your not going about it the right way. I too have always been overweight and hide in the shadows, I joined slimming world first week after Christmas, so far I have not looked back.. I'm not starving myself quite the contrary, there is so much food you can eat, you just have to know how to apply it. I am now 9weeks in and lost 1.5 stone with eating. Yes you will loose weight on a shake diet, but as soon as you come of that the weight will go back on and more and then your back to square 1 if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. This saying always haunts me because it's true. you have to want to loose weight for you not any one else. You have to learn to love yourself first before you can let any one else love you. You appear to be head strong in your approach and you need to apply this to your slimming journey. I wish you every success with your diet, and if you want to share with others then that's good. Keep your chin up Hun and stay strong.

Whilst it is nice to offer advice, criticising a diet that someone is passionate about starting, on a forum dedicated to that diet in which she has posted on for support seems a little counter-productive. How ever someone chooses to lose weight to get healthy is personal, and should only be encouraged, especially at that first crucial step.

 

[Angellove]

You seem to have set yourself up for a fall at the first hurdle. Weight loss there is no quick fix it's down to hard work and determination, you have plenty of that reading your story, but your not going about it the right way. I too have always been overweight and hide in the shadows, I joined slimming world first week after Christmas, so far I have not looked back.. I'm not starving myself quite the contrary, there is so much food you can eat, you just have to know how to apply it. I am now 9weeks in and lost 1.5 stone with eating. Yes you will loose weight on a shake diet, but as soon as you come of that the weight will go back on and more and then your back to square 1 if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. This saying always haunts me because it's true. you have to want to loose weight for you not any one else. You have to learn to love yourself first before you can let any one else love you. You appear to be head strong in your approach and you need to apply this to your slimming journey. I wish you every success with your diet, and if you want to share with others then that's good. Keep your chin up Hun and stay strong.

I don't think it's anyone's right to say you've fallen at the first hurdle or chosen the wrong diet. I find this comment a little rude. Lipotrim offers quick results but is not a quick fix you have to refeed and maintain. I'd much rather completely restrict what I eat than believe you can eat endless amounts of anything. If I was on slimming world I'd still be eating all the things bad for me and counting them as syns that's not re educating me.
As for putting it all back on I went to Ww and got to ten stone and I soon put it back on and more. It's finding what works for you and not passing judgement

 

[Jayne33]

What a dreadful, one sided, over opinionated and unsupportive first reply you got! Talk about telling someone their way is the right way and any other way is wrong. Gosh I've lost weight successfully on Slimming World and Lipotrim over the years. It's come back on regardless. It's not about what diet you lose the weight on, it's about not returning to old habits afterwards. In reality the best thing to do is not 'diet' at all, but to just eat healthily and get plenty of exercise. Easier said than done for most of us though! Anyhow, enough of that .......

Welcome to the board Bethyi I absolutely loved reading your post - full of all your hopes and dreams for yourself and your future, slimmer and healthier self. Positive visualisation is excellent for progress I totally 'got' where you are coming from.

Wishing you all the luck in the world with this diet. Stay strong, read back over that first post whenever the going gets tough, and you will get through and to the end Losing weight - especially huge amounts of weight is tough. Bring your A game from now until you've finished xx

 

[daisey]

urrrgh!!! what an awful first reply! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN A LIPOTRIM FORUM IF YOUR ON SLIMMERS WORLD????

That woman needs to be added to the "people you will prove wrong" list

congratulations on starting this diet! your story was very intersting!! you will have tough days but my advice is to drink plenty of water, set your self mini goals! and keep negitive or jelous people away from you!! you will be surprised how many oppinions about this diet! and allthough that is fine, sometimes its easier if they keep them to themselves!!

as for putting the weight back on!! only YOU can do that! not the diet!! make sure when you finish the diet you do the re-feed to get your body used to eating!!

ive lost 2 stone so far and i feel fantastic, my confidence has grown and im generaly a happier person!!

GOOD LUCK with your journey!! dont listen to critisism! its your choice remember!! and visualise yourself getting launched round the bedroom in a few months time!!! hahahahaha

 

[Bethyi]

I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and stuck up for me! That first post did get me a little down hearted but after reading everyone elses posts I feel so much better. I'm three days in now and I haven't cried yet!! I think I'll write a longer post this evening to update everyone. I just wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to you all!

 

[Dusty67]

Thats fantastic.
Was worried that unhelpful post had seen you off before you'd even started!
Keep going!

 

[bethyoung]

I'm a Beth too and have just started. Some parts of your story had a real resonance with me. I hate having my photo taken, so much so its almost a phobia. The me I see in the mirror is not the one in my mind. The opposite to anorexia. I think I'm thinner than I am so every time I see myself I get a shock. Stick at it and read your post everytime you want to give. Once upon a time and long ago i was a counsellor who used writing as a therapeutic tool and it is amazingly powerful so keep determined and keep writing. Don't worry what other people say, use the writing to help uou not please them. Its comforting too isn't it to think that there are many of us trying to make this journey.

 

[SlimmerSu]

Well done for getting this far Bethyi.. I am so glad you didn't take on board what was said to you earlier on (Glad i didn't see it when it was 1st posted!!)... You are doing really really well so keep going hun x x

 

[Bethyi]

Thank you Beth. I'm the same. Sometimes I'll look in a mirror or something and think "I'm not THAT bad." Then I'll see the photos from a night out and just want to cry!

 

[Bethyi]

Day three!!

No tears yet. So it looks like Sie has won the bet, for now! I'm feeling generally food thus far. Today, or rather this evening, is especially difficult. I had a nap when I started getiing hungry and I woke up with the hunger of five men.

I have never felt so lucky in all my life though. I haven't told many people yet, only my mum, my best friend and my boyfriend know and of course all the lovely people here who have given me more support than I every thought was possible. I'm so lucky to have surrounded myself with such brilliant people. My best friend, who did this diet last year with outstanding results has really helped me though these last few days and my mum has been telling me how proud she is of me.

Of course she is saying it because it's how she feels but in some ways I now feel as though if I fail now she'll be dissapointed in me, and I think you all know that there's nothing worse than your parents dissappointment. I know she didn't say it to make me feel this way but it'll really helped me get through today and hopefully tomorrow.

I haven't felt the need to throw up at all, except the odd times when I drank too much water at once but I never gave into this feeling.

I've found that I'm unfocused today. I had wanted to start one of my university essays but it's so difficult not to think about food that I more often than not end up fantasising about chicken nuggets instead of being productive, which makes me feel weak. Am I being weak by being so obsessed with the idea of eating or is that natural in the first few days? I worry that I'll force myself into failure because all I can think about is all the food I want to eat when I've finished refeeding even though that's months away. I would kill my own mother for a plate of cauliflower cheese right about now. I can't even keep this diary steady flowing. I've stopped after each paragraph to stare into space.

I'm off uni until the 12th for reading week which means I'm currently at home with my mum in Essex. But on the 12th I'll be getting the train back up to Bradford where I will be faced with all the people that don't know the struggle I have been through and hopefully the difference will me noticed. Mum says she can already see a difference but I'm not letting myself get too excited.

Something that had really helped me, especially in my decision to start this diet, it the weigh in area of this forum. People who have been losing 17 or 19 lbs in their first week and a further 8 in their second. I am not deluding myself. I know it's not set in stone that everyone loses this and I'd be over the moon with 7 or 8lbs down but knowing there's that chance that I could be one of the lucky once that lose two stone in their first month? That really keeps me strong, and if I don't lose that much then it' not going to get me too down because by the time I get to my second weigh in I'll be in ketosis and I shouldn't be and mindnumbingly hungry as I am currently. I just hope that even the dog food would stop smelling good.

Start weight: 17st
Start Clothing Size: 20
Goal Weight: 10st
Goal Clothing Size: 12

Achievements:
One day TFR: COMPLETE
One week TFR:
One month TFR:
15st:
12st:
10st:
Size 16:
Size 14:
Size 12:
Weigh less than James:
Weigh less than Sie:
Weight less than Henry:
Have a healthy BMI:
Waist 35 inches:
Waist 32 inches:
Waist 30 inches:
Hips 45 inches:
Hips 40 inches:
Hips 37 inches:
Bust 45 inches:
Bust 40 inches:
Bust 37 inches:

 

[Jayne33]

You are doing great! Keep going

Oh, and it's natural to think about (and even dream that you've eaten) food. Just stay strong and it gets lots easier. Good luck for first weigh in xx

 

[Cuqsuita]

Go Bethyi, you're doing great so far!