Test 1 - PREGNANCY AND PREPARATIONS
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months
remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.
Test 2 - EDUCATION
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be
the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - DISCOVERING HOW THE NIGHTS WILL FEEL
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of
tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.. 45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4 - DRESSING
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5 - VEHICLES
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that
you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into
the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There... perfect!
Test 6 - GETTING READY TO GO OUT
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes..
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the
way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 - INSTRUCTIONS
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - SHOPPING
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child.. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 - FEEDING
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
Test 10 - LEISURE
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five
years.
Test 11 - HOUSEKEEPING
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How
does that look?
Test 12 - TRIPS
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy "
(occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - CONVERSATION
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing
The Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - WORKING MUMS
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an
important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the
other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15 - GOING SOMEWHERE?
Go for a drive, but first ....
1) Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
child seat.
5) For the really adventurous.... Run some errands, remove and replace
the cat at each stop.
You are now ready to have kids
Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months
remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents
of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help
himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the
last time.
Test 2 - EDUCATION
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be
the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 - DISCOVERING HOW THE NIGHTS WILL FEEL
1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4) Set the alarm for 3am.
5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of
tea.
6) Go to bed at 2.. 45am.
7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10) Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4 - DRESSING
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5 - VEHICLES
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that
you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that.
1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into
the back seat.
4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There... perfect!
Test 6 - GETTING READY TO GO OUT
1) Wait.
2) Go out the front door.
3) Come in again.
4) Go out.
5) Come back in.
6) Go out again.
7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
8) Walk back up it.
9) Walk down it again.
10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes..
11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the
way.
12) Retrace your steps.
13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
14) Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7 - INSTRUCTIONS
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 - SHOPPING
Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child.. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 - FEEDING
1) Hollow out a melon.
2) Make a small hole in the side.
3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on
the floor.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
Test 10 - LEISURE
Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five
years.
Test 11 - HOUSEKEEPING
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How
does that look?
Test 12 - TRIPS
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy "
(occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - CONVERSATION
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else
continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing
The Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a
conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - WORKING MUMS
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an
important meeting. Now:
1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2) Stir.
3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the
other half of the mixture.
4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
5) Do NOT change. You have no time.
6) Go directly to work.
Test 15 - GOING SOMEWHERE?
Go for a drive, but first ....
1) Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3) Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
child seat.
5) For the really adventurous.... Run some errands, remove and replace
the cat at each stop.
You are now ready to have kids
