Extra Easy Friend in Slimming World.

[amemay]

I'm sorry to be posting this here, I'm not entirely sure where it needs to go. I'm new to all of this!

My name is Ame and I have been going to Slimming World since August last year. So far I have gone from 13st3.0lbs down to 10st10lbs. I still have a way to go but can not fault Slimming World at all.

I have an issue, that I don't know how to approach.

My friend, we'll call her Jane, saw my success and decided to join SW with me. She joined at the start of December. Jane is a large lady and would not mind me saying it. Her first weigh in put her at 20st8lbs. She set a target to lose an amazing 5st. Since joining, and attending most weeks and staying to group Jane has lost 2lbs total.

Jane doesn't actually do SW, she hasn't admitted it but treats SW as a little bit of a joke. She'll joke at group and say she's eaten a tub of cookie dough, Birthday cake, take out etc. She laughs it off every week.

It's Janes life, and Janes journey and I love her, which is part of why I see an issue. Jane has diabetes, and sleep apnea. Sitting next to her she'll drop to sleep in the middle of a conversation and she sounds like she can barely breathe. I am genuinely concerned for her health.

Our SW Rep is my absolute hero. I think she is brilliant, kind caring and such an inspiration. But even she, is questioning why Jane is attending at all. She gets quite firm and tells her what she is doing is not on plan. She's used kindness as an approach too but nothing seems to be sinking in for Jane.

I don't know if I should be doing more as her friend and the only one that actually seems to care in her life at how dangerous her weight is. I just would like some advice really. For the first time since I started I've not been wanting to attend and cringe at Janes lack of caring.

I don't want this to come across as backstabbing or twofaced. I just don't want to upset her. I just don't know what to say to her to encourage and motivate her. I find motivation in group every week, seeing people doing so well I thought that would be enough or her too.

What would you do? Would you just leave it? Shall I?

Thank you. Ame xx

 

[AnnaFaraday]

It's a tightrope walk, isn't it? If you do nothing you feel guilty, if you do something you worry that you will upset her and make things worse.

Having said that, clearly doing nothing is not sitting right with you, and I can understand your wanting to help. You say she is treating SW as a joke - I think this is just a cover. Joking about things is a way of covering up how you feel about them. Ido wonder whether setting a target of losing 5 stone has set up a barrier in her mind - "I can't do that, so I won't even bother". Maybe it would be better to set up mini-targets - losing one stone, or half a stone even. The consultant could help with this.

You could ask her what she actually thinks about SW. Maybe you could do this in the context of a conversation about different types of diet, whether it is worth switching to WW, or what she thinks of Paleo or 5:2. Does she actually understand SW? Has she actually read the books? Any consultant will tell you that quite often members make it harder for themselves because they haven't really got to grips with the plan. It's a bit like putting up an Ikea wardrobe - you have to read the instructions!

Is she getting medical attention for her weight-related problems? Is there any chance of her getting some kind of counselling? I ask this because it does seem (in my totally unqualified opinion) that there might be some kind of depression involved here.

The difficulty is that you can't - no-one can - get anyone to do something if they don't want to. And no-one can take responsibility for what another adult person does. It's their decision and it is not your responsibility. I understand what you mean when you say "for the first time since I started I've not been wanting to attend", but you mustn't let that happen.

 

[Shangri-la]

All I can say is just be her friend. I know this is not the issue but this lady sounds like she is really struggling. She sees group as a social outlet more than anything else, I think. You could ask her to go walking or exercising with you. If you are cooking slimming world food, inviting her to cook with you would be nice. If she is reluctant to do any of these things, then it is her choice. She is paying to go and whether or not she avails of the education on a healthy lifestyle is not your responsibility. She is an adult and is quite well aware of the repercussions to her health. If she watches TV, reads or just interacts in the community, she knows what the implications to her health are.If it was me, I would encourage her indirectly by just involving her and if all else fails, then just be her friend. It sounds as if that is all that she wants.

 

[Pootle]

I wonder if she struggles because of lack of ideas for meals? Could you perhaps suggest recipes to swap and try? Maybe give her a bank of recipes that you've tried and tested? I know I 'fall off the wagon' when I've run out of inspiration for meals and end up getting a takeaway or something quick but not SW friendly.
Ultimately though, it is your friend that has got to want to do it enough for herself and clearly, she hasn't hit the stage yet where she feels enough is enough and has the motivation to do something about it. This stage hits us all at some point whether it is a photo, a comment, a desire to fit into an outfit, the list is endless and very personal but maybe she hasn't yet found her reason. We would argue that her health was enough of a reason but how long have most of us put off doing something about our weight, thinking that we're fine and kidding ourselves we're not as unhealthy as we actually are?
She is a very lucky lady to have a friend who cares about her so much. Just keep supporting her and hopefully it will click for her. Just don't let her lack of motivation affect your weightless journey.

 

[amemay]

Thank you for your advice and taking time out to write. I've tried suggesting swimming after SW because our group is next door to a gym and she likes to swim, even though she chooses to swim in a tshirt and shorts and get embarassed about it we usually shrug it off and gossip but we haven't yet been. (We've been swimming with our children.)

I've also suggested that when she comes over, or I go to hers I'll bring the cookbooks and she isn't interested at all. At first she did well, she even got her half a stone award but has put 5lbs back on and doesn't seem to care. She read the books, she understands but nothing seems to sink in.

I think I'll keep trying to encourage her, but it's very frustrating to hear her moan on about her health problems and watch her not do anything about it.

In her opinion, I'm too skinny and I 'look awful' since losing the weight and need to put a bit more on. This is ridiculous. At 10st10lbs and aiming for 9st3.0lbs I have a long way to go but it's almost like she is trying to throw me off too.

I think I'm just going to carry on in my journey and hopefully she'll join in at some point. It just irritates me that she could face serious problems and she doesn't seem to care.

Thanks for writing back, means alot.

 

[AnnaFaraday]

. . , In her opinion, I'm too skinny and I 'look awful' since losing the weight and need to put a bit more on. . . .

You are bending over backwards not to upset her, but she can be quite rude to you??

You might be a friend to her, but friends don't say "you look awful".

 

[ceebeee]

It sounds like she doesn't want to lose weight, or maybe she has some issues going on in her life which are making her act in this way.

All you can do as a true friend is encourage. Perhaps share some SW recipes with her. She seems to like sweet treats from what you say (cake, cookie dough, etc) so maybe try searching on here for some yummy low syn sweet things you can share with her?

Such a difficult situation