Caz
Repeat Offender
After having a big long conversation today with my niece, and after some things a few people on here have said in the last few days, I've realised a few things. This could be a long one, I apologise now!
I've realised that life is like one big baton race, but with lots of batons. While running her race, my mum has passed on lots of batons to me, and to my sisters. Some of the batons are good. Some of those batons are not so good. Batons which say you're defined by what you look like. Batons which say you're not good enough unless you weigh a certain amount. Batons which contain a hell of a lot of demons about self esteem, weight, confidence.
In running her race, my sister has passed some of those batons on to her daughter who is now 16. And she's got those same things, where weight and image is so important, if you don't fit the mould, then you're not good enough. I've just spent the past half an hour talking to her, telling her what an amazing, beautiful and precious young woman she is. And while sometimes she knows that, she often doesn't feel that. Why? Because she's not a perfect size 10. She's a 12, 14 on top because of boobs. But yet she is so so beautiful, but she can't see it.
Now I think about my own race, about the batons that I carry. The ones I've got from my mum, where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'. And suddenly I see where my unhealthy relationship with food comes from. I see where my insecurities within myself come from. I see where my completely distorted self confidence and self esteem from.
And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end? Well I've decided that it ends here. Kids are not on the cards for me any time soon, but one day I do hope to have children, and I REFUSE to pass on those batons. I refuse to let me children, or my nieces, or anyone I have any opportunity to mould, believe that what the mirror says about them is all that's said about them, and that they are so much more than that. They're not beautiful because their jeans say size 10, they're not beautiful because the scales show the right numbers, they're not even beautiful because I say they are, they're beautiful just because they're beautiful. That's the baton I want to pass on.
And I guess that starts right here, right now, with me. Dealing with my issues, my messed up way of thinking. I don't think it'll be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's how it has to be. Fixing my weight is only one side of the coin. You can't fix a leaky tap by just turning off the water, it's still broken, you've just taken away the physical sign of it. In the same way, if I don't do something other than lose this weight, I'll still be broken. So I need to fix deeper within me.
Wow. I'm sorry, I told you that would be long! I'm not sure why I'm posting it, but maybe it'll help someone else too some how, I don't know.
I've realised that life is like one big baton race, but with lots of batons. While running her race, my mum has passed on lots of batons to me, and to my sisters. Some of the batons are good. Some of those batons are not so good. Batons which say you're defined by what you look like. Batons which say you're not good enough unless you weigh a certain amount. Batons which contain a hell of a lot of demons about self esteem, weight, confidence.
In running her race, my sister has passed some of those batons on to her daughter who is now 16. And she's got those same things, where weight and image is so important, if you don't fit the mould, then you're not good enough. I've just spent the past half an hour talking to her, telling her what an amazing, beautiful and precious young woman she is. And while sometimes she knows that, she often doesn't feel that. Why? Because she's not a perfect size 10. She's a 12, 14 on top because of boobs. But yet she is so so beautiful, but she can't see it.
Now I think about my own race, about the batons that I carry. The ones I've got from my mum, where I see her not eat because 'she's not hungry today' or 'she had a big lunch' or 'oh i ate a lot while cooking yours'. And suddenly I see where my unhealthy relationship with food comes from. I see where my insecurities within myself come from. I see where my completely distorted self confidence and self esteem from.
And I see how this becomes one huge cycle, getting passed on from generation, but where does it stop? When does it end? Well I've decided that it ends here. Kids are not on the cards for me any time soon, but one day I do hope to have children, and I REFUSE to pass on those batons. I refuse to let me children, or my nieces, or anyone I have any opportunity to mould, believe that what the mirror says about them is all that's said about them, and that they are so much more than that. They're not beautiful because their jeans say size 10, they're not beautiful because the scales show the right numbers, they're not even beautiful because I say they are, they're beautiful just because they're beautiful. That's the baton I want to pass on.
And I guess that starts right here, right now, with me. Dealing with my issues, my messed up way of thinking. I don't think it'll be easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it's how it has to be. Fixing my weight is only one side of the coin. You can't fix a leaky tap by just turning off the water, it's still broken, you've just taken away the physical sign of it. In the same way, if I don't do something other than lose this weight, I'll still be broken. So I need to fix deeper within me.
Wow. I'm sorry, I told you that would be long! I'm not sure why I'm posting it, but maybe it'll help someone else too some how, I don't know.
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