I just don't understand men!!

[Slim at heart]

Can anyone give me some much-needed advice please?

I'll give you a bit of back-story first!

As a single mother it is very hard to get out & meet new people, I am a member of a few dating web sites & have been in contact with a few nice guys & even met up with a few, but never had any second dates as I didn't feel any spark & didn't see any point!

In the last week/10 days I have been chatting to this guy in Dublin, I didn't meet him through a dating site but through yahoo chat, usually get 100s of messages when I sign in, mostly from guys in India, Nigeria or USA & never answer them or add their details, this time I did & I don't even know why..maybe because he actually had a foto in his profile, was from Ireland...I don't know!

Anyway, it was a while before we even started chatting but when we did we really hit it off & ended up chatting for hours & hours a day, he has a very naughty sense of humour (ie a complete perv!) & every sentence has an innuendo in it but I love it (very similiar to my own sense of humour), he is also seperated from his wife & has kids, we are the same age.

He gave me his mobile number straight away & we have been texting almost every day too, I told him right from the start that I wasn't interested in a 'casual' relationship, I am very honest like that, he said he wasn't either...

He has been very forward with me saying straight from the start that I interest him, he has seen lots of fotos & we have done the whole web cam chat thing so have 'seen' each other, he has made a lot of comments about 'when' we meet up etc

The problem is that he will then go all cold on me all of a sudden, like I'll send him a text & he won't answer it or he suddenly disappears during our chats, he always has a good excuse like his computer crashed or his daughter got sick suddenly but I've never just left a conversation without saying at least 'oh ****, gotta run..'!!

Yesterday we were chatting (I was very hungover & tired I admit) & I asked him why he didn't always answer my texts, he said that he has 2 mobile numbers & he won't give me the important one until I interest him enough... wtf??? what does that mean? But then still keeps going on about meeting for a drink...

He was also chatting to his brother yesterday (which I hate, if you're chatting to me, your chatting to me, I never keep more than 1 conversation going at the same time) & accused me of bringing the subject of sex up & then refusing to answer his questions (he started getting quite specific!), I don't mind talk of sex at all but have to draw the line somewhere (we both agreed from the start that we weren't into cyber-sex!), so I said to him that I would take the 5th on the question he asked me & he then said that I was the one bring the subject of sex up (!) so I said "I'll leave you so to chat with your brother so, don't want to be leading you astray with my obscenities ;-)' to which he replied 'oh, ok bye then x' 'I replied that I WAS only joking but actually I really DID have to go..bye etc... but I never heard anything back since then....

He is in the UK all this week, left this morning so I sent him a text along the lines of 'good morning, hope you have a good & safe trip, we can go for that drink when you get back, take care' & suprise suprise he never replied.........

I just don't know what the f is going through his head... am I being too obtainable? I told him from the start that I absolutely HATE drama & mind games & I don't play them myself...as I said I just don't understand men!!!

So what do you think, comments & answers on a post card please??? Thanks in advance!!

 

[Mrs Depp]

Hiya Anna,

Wanted to let you know I haven't got a clue how I'd deal with this fella if I was in your shoes

I'm sort of getting the same sort of mixed signals with a bloke I met on udate a while ago. He's let his membership lapse but still logs on to the site. He's got my msn address but has only sent one message. Last text I had from him was "happy valentines day" on 14th. I'm not going to be the one to make the first move (I have done a couple of times, sending him txts), even though we've arranged to meet up on 3rd March in Liverpool. Men eh?!

I suppose the question we should be asking ourselves is "Do I want to get to know him more or not? Do I think this could turn to love or will it go nowhere?"

Sorry I can't help but hopefully someone will come along soon enough to give you another perspective on it

 

[minilady]

Hi

I would tread very carefully if I were you. I don't want you to think I'm being hard but I would steer clear for a while, and only contact him if he contacts you first, perhaps make him wait a bit. Then you'll know if he is sincere or just playing internet head**** games.

I know it's easier said than done, I've been in a similar position when I was single. I used to chat to a guy on icq, and he was very similar, we did eventually agree to meet (much to the disgust of my friends) and at the last minute I chickened out. After that I got some nasty messages from him, and he told me in no uncertain terms that he only wanted one thing anyway and was in fact married!!!

I hope that your situation will be different from mine, but be very careful.

take care
Tracey
x

 

[Karen]

i always used to leave a convo with my "online interest" that i met in yahoo chat cos i am so easily distracted. i can be chatting to someone online, then the phone will ring and i will go off and forget that i was chatting. always lots to distract me and it used to drive him mental after we had been chatting for a long time sometimes i would avoid chatting to him cos i knew a convo would last hours and sometimes i just didnt fancy sitting on the fone or at the PC for all that time. as much as i liked him, its boring having to do that all the time.

anyways, he moved to the uk from america to marry me and we will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary in May. aww!

so i guess i understood that could be the kind of thing going on between u two BUT...when u go on to say about everything else...i dunno. he sounds a bit dodgy to me. might be totally wrong but a bloke who has a "sod ya" attitude when u wont give him cheap thrills or answer personal sexual questions is a bit ruff in my opinion.

the sad fact is, there r a lot of people who arent what they seem online. most of them, in fact. the fact u have seen eachother and chatted a while makes no difference. I was once seeing a man i met in yahoo for a year and he turned out to be married with 2 kids!!! it never even occured to me because he would call me all the time and come to stay with me at weekends etc. i really thought i knew him as much as i possibly could given the circumstances but i was wayyyy of beam. Im not a stupid person either but still got duped. my hubby had been a chat mate during that relationship and i ended up with him after so it all worked out but theres no harm in being a bit cautious.

surely time will tell what he is really about. u could end up duped like me the first time or married and loved up like me the second time.

the REAL thing u need to ask urself if u need someone that stroppy in ur life. he certainly sounds like a sulker and thats never attractive in a bloke.

i guess i havent helped but will submit this anyways.

hope it all works out for you.

xxxx

 

[Slim at heart]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the replies & advice, i posted this on another website I am a member of & I got pages & pages of 'RUN' replies!!

Mind you that is a website for Mammies only & they are probably all horrified at the thought of internet weirdos...who knows!!

I should probably point out that the reason it came up about him having 2 phones is because I was out the night before & very drunk & I told him he was lucky I didn't have credit for my phone or he probably would have got drunken texts from me at all hours (as I got from him a different night) & then I said well maybe not cos he never answers my texts anyway & he said that was cos he has 2 numbers & he hadn't given me the 'important' one yet cos it's his personal number rather than work phone... which personally I think is quite acceptable ie not to give a complete stranger you met on the internet your personal mobile number..

I haven't heard a thing back since the text I sent him yesterday morning & his abrupt ending of our chat on Sunday but I guess I didn't really expect to as he is in the UK working.. hey if anyhone sees him over there can you give him a kick in the nuts from me please??!! lol

Anyway, I don't know what to think really, he certainly intrigues me & I can't stop thinking about him, I guess there is something wrong with me..

I went on a date last week with a lovely-seeming guy (in that we had been chatting for a while & got on fairly well!) but when we met there was just no spark ie I just didn't fancy him (he is also a train-spotter so that didn't help lol!!)

He turned me off big time cos he was all lovey-dovey even before we met, calling me darling & sweetey & putting our names together etc maybe I'm just attracted more to bastards!!!

So I told him I didn't feel a spark but would like to meet him again to see what happened anyway, he got all defensive & hurt so I told him I didn't think there was much point in meeting again afterall as there was no point anyone getting hurt, never even answered me..... well, I get a text from him yesterday, completely OUT OF THE BLUE after like 10 days saying 'did you enjoy your holiday?', I mean WTF??? I wasn't even on holiday!!

Needless to say I didn't answer but as I said I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN!!!

Now what do I do IF Mr. Sex Talk contacts me again (which he might not), I know I won't contact him anyway, I mean he DOES intrigue me & I really like him so far, I can't stop thinking about him... so do I ignore him or confront him with my accusations???

At least I should tell him how much it annoys me when he disappears in the middle of a conversation or doesn't reply to my texts... that is the height of ignorance as far as I'm concerned!!

I appreciate any comments...

 

[debz32]

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for the replies & advice, i posted this on another website I am a member of & I got pages & pages of 'RUN' replies!!

Mind you that is a website for Mammies only & they are probably all horrified at the thought of internet weirdos...who knows!!

I should probably point out that the reason it came up about him having 2 phones is because I was out the night before & very drunk & I told him he was lucky I didn't have credit for my phone or he probably would have got drunken texts from me at all hours (as I got from him a different night) & then I said well maybe not cos he never answers my texts anyway & he said that was cos he has 2 numbers & he hadn't given me the 'important' one yet cos it's his personal number rather than work phone... which personally I think is quite acceptable ie not to give a complete stranger you met on the internet your personal mobile number..

I haven't heard a thing back since the text I sent him yesterday morning & his abrupt ending of our chat on Sunday but I guess I didn't really expect to as he is in the UK working.. hey if anyhone sees him over there can you give him a kick in the nuts from me please??!! lol

Anyway, I don't know what to think really, he certainly intrigues me & I can't stop thinking about him, I guess there is something wrong with me..

I went on a date last week with a lovely-seeming guy (in that we had been chatting for a while & got on fairly well!) but when we met there was just no spark ie I just didn't fancy him (he is also a train-spotter so that didn't help lol!!)

He turned me off big time cos he was all lovey-dovey even before we met, calling me darling & sweetey & putting our names together etc maybe I'm just attracted more to bastards!!!

So I told him I didn't feel a spark but would like to meet him again anyway, he got all defensive & hurt so I told him I didn't think there was much point in meeting again as there was no point anyone getting hurt, never even answered me..... well, I get a text from him yesterday, completely OUT OF THE BLUE after like 10 days saying 'did you enjoy your holiday?', I mean WTF???

Needless to say I didn't answer but as I said I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MEN!!!

Now what do I do it Mr. Sex Talk contacts me again, I mean he DOES intrigue me & I really like him so far... so do I ignore him or confront him with my accusations???

At least I should tell him how much it annoys me when he disappears in the middle of a conversation or doesn't reply to my texts... that is the height of ignorance as far as I'm concerned!!

I appreciate any comments...

Hiya Anna - long time, no speak !!!

sounds like Mr.Sex is messing with ur head I hate that !

Have been out with couple of guys like that in the past and it really screwed me up

Happily settled now.....but, if I were you, I would tread very carefully.....part of me thinks you should be elusive and a little less 'available'....but then I think wtf why should YOU play mind games too.....(I'm with u - I sooo hate mind games....cos ur either interested in someone or ur not...endof)

Men are sooo weird sometimes....mind you they probably think the same of us....catch 22 !

Sorry I can't be more helpful....hope you get it sorted cos I know wot it's like to go over and over stuff in ur head...the last txt, last convo etc etc.....and u end up goin round in circles and beating urself up over it - NOT good !

Keep us posted.....

love

Debz
xx

 

[bondgirl]

Hi Anna

I just had to reply....take it from an old hand at spotting internet womanisers...been online 5 yrs now nearly 6 and had a couple of romances that started online...one that unfortunately lead to me being threatened with a 10inch kitchen knife thats the kinda stories that concern folk about internet dating...btw me and the said psycopath had lived together 6 months before that incident.....thankfully not all men are like that.

As Karen pointed out some do actually work

1. be weary of him having two phones....yes it could be innocent but you are familiar enough for him to ask intimate questions....why not close enough to have his "other" number?

2. him leaving conversations abruptly could be an interuption by someone else...partner/wife etc.

3. holding several conversations at a time conveniently with his brother....ur right it is polite to only hold the one conversation if you think the person is special enough.

4. him texting you as and when he feels like it and not answering straight away or a short time after......how often do you leave your phone elsewhere n read texts whenever?

5. working away in the UK.....sorry but UK certainly has mobile phone coverage......and I can certainly ring Dublin via mobile phones if I try.

I know I probably sound really pessimistic and negative but seriously my attitude to men online has changed alot from my early experiences, I once saw a guy for about 6 months we'd been chatting 9 months solidly online/telephone before we met, he spent weekends with me he even brought his kids to mine...he was a single dad.....i had his landline, mobile, address....we talked for hours on end i could ring him anytime etc and he could me....turned out he'd been seeing a girl for 2 yrs how on earth could I not know.......because there are a LOT of players online and they are very convincing and deceitful......now i spot them a mile away and always steer clear......you do actually find its normally the smooth talkers that attract you and have a hold over you that have that same hold over a few more unsuspecting women at the same time.

Anyway thats just my opinion I have met a couple of lovely guys and it can work out just be on your guard I'd hate for you to be hurt.

Take care

 

[Redpam]

Hi Anna

I just had to reply....take it from an old hand at spotting internet womanisers...been online 5 yrs now nearly 6 and had a couple of romances that started online...one that unfortunately lead to me being threatened with a 10inch kitchen knife thats the kinda stories that concern folk about internet dating...btw me and the said psycopath had lived together 6 months before that incident.....thankfully not all men are like that.

As Karen pointed out some do actually work

1. be weary of him having two phones....yes it could be innocent but you are familiar enough for him to ask intimate questions....why not close enough to have his "other" number?

2. him leaving conversations abruptly could be an interuption by someone else...partner/wife etc.

3. holding several conversations at a time conveniently with his brother....ur right it is polite to only hold the one conversation if you think the person is special enough.

4. him texting you as and when he feels like it and not answering straight away or a short time after......how often do you leave your phone elsewhere n read texts whenever?

5. working away in the UK.....sorry but UK certainly has mobile phone coverage......and I can certainly ring Dublin via mobile phones if I try.

I know I probably sound really pessimistic and negative but seriously my attitude to men online has changed alot from my early experiences, I once saw a guy for about 6 months we'd been chatting 9 months solidly online/telephone before we met, he spent weekends with me he even brought his kids to mine...he was a single dad.....i had his landline, mobile, address....we talked for hours on end i could ring him anytime etc and he could me....turned out he'd been seeing a girl for 2 yrs how on earth could I not know.......because there are a LOT of players online and they are very convincing and deceitful......now i spot them a mile away and always steer clear......you do actually find its normally the smooth talkers that attract you and have a hold over you that have that same hold over a few more unsuspecting women at the same time.

Anyway thats just my opinion I have met a couple of lovely guys and it can work out just be on your guard I'd hate for you to be hurt.

Take care[/quote
I must agree with everything Zoe has said. I really think this must be a married man.

My DH of a DH has behaved in a very similar way. He has both business and private mobiles and when I have caught him out it is always on his business one.

The last one said that I could not be his wife cos he worked in computers in Ireland. Joke, he works as a Sales manager in England and has never been to Ireland since his army days 25 years ago. And he wonders why I dont want to know any more. No I dont understand men either

 

[bondgirl]

So glad I'm not the only one to think this way hehehehehe

btw I don't hate men or anything in fact mmmm some are quite tasty

 

[Isobel1965]

Darling - he's married. End of. RUN!

I know he's intriguing - he's putting a lot of effort into being mysterious for a reason - either cos he's a player and likes being a hunter and/or he doesn't want his missus finding out about you.

Guys with nothing to hide show you that they have nothing to hide.

There are plenty of nice men out there who won't keep you guessing and will treat you like a princess. Don't waste your time on this one who plays silly games.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Slim at heart]

Thanks again for all the replies guys...some very good advice & observations... so should I confront him, give him a chance to explain or just block him out (which I am wary to do, hate being rude...)
Just for the record HE IS MARRIED!!! I already know that BUT seperated for the last 2 years.....APPARANTLY.... who knows???
I feel so weary & tired about the whole thing now... maybe I should text Mr. Trainspotter back.. at least he seemed sincere even if he didn't light any fires for me!!

As a single Mother it is SO bleeding difficult to meet people, I have recently moved back home & don't even have a social scene here yet, my social life is going out to the theatre with my Mum...which I LOVE by the way but not exactly the best way to meet potential partners....

Aaaaaaaaaaaah what to do??

 

[Isobel1965]

Hun - internet dating is different to real life. If you blanked someone you met at a party, yes that would be rude. But online - it's a whole different ball game.

I would block him personally - he's messing with your head and not bringing anything positive into your life. You don't actually know him or anything about him - only what he's told you. I don't think he's separated from the sudden disappearances - that's when his missus walks in the room! And the two phones!

I do feel for you - but honestly, hun - ignore this player and move on to someone better - but don't settle for second best!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[fitz]

Hi
Have been reading through this thread with interest and have to agree with everyone else in that I think maybe you should stay clear of this guy.
I met my current partner via internet and we have been together for 2 years now - strangely enough he was a guy who I classed as my friend and we would call each other to moan about our current partners who we had met on dating sites etc. My old boss used to say to me - when I was droning on about never meeting anyone etc etc (even though me and my best friend at the time would hit the town every weekend on the prowl - desperate or what lol ), that she thought I was looking in the wrong places, that I shouldn't even be looking because once I stopped looking it would just "happen" anyway and also that the person I thought I was looking for was probably right under my nose anyway and I just had not realised it !!! So, to cut along story short, my male "friend" of over a year was actually the person who I would never have considered as a potential partner - bit older than me - divorced - kids - none of which were on my "ideal" specicifications, but is now who I live with. I can honestly say that there has and will continue to be difficulties as things I didnt want (baggage) are sometimes an issue and I find it hard to trust as he wanted us to get together long before we did as we got on so well and when I did finish with my partner at the time, he finished with his current partner to be with me. Obviously this concerns me as although he had been on the fone etc maoning about her as she treated him badly in the short time they were tog, she did have this strange hold over him and they are in fact still friends and text regularly. I cant help think well he left sum1 just like that then that could happen again - anyway - this is my insecurities coming out - my friend used to say - well if it was so good with the previous partner then why arent they together now !!! True !! I guess we all have baggage and we have to deal with other peoples - I in fact am still very good friends with my ex husband and my current partner is not happy about that !! Life is so complex and I have just read though this and realised I ahve rambled on and on and on and probably not helped with the original thread at all. OOps Sorry - I would say - just be careful - go with your gut instinct - if you are questioning it then maybe its not right ?
Good luck and be safe - my mum always says (she's not up on all this modern world pc and net etc ) "there are some strange people on that network " bless her she doesnt understand ints called internet !
Let us know what the outcome is

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Just read this thread and like the other internet daters with "experience" had to reply. Yes I'm sorry I think he's either still married or in a relationship.

I think you should block him on msn - ignore any texts, phone calls and move on. Don't even give him any explanation or chance to talk you round with excuses. Sorry if that sounds harsh - but he's not what he seems.

I've had some really good internet dates with some really nice men. My best friend is a guy I met who stayed friends even though we were not going to be a couple. My OH and I met nearly a year ago and he is the best thing that ever happened to me ....

I've put this website on here before for others - it's a dating/friendship site - but has forums like this where you can get to see peoples views, email them etc but also they do "meets" where male and female members can get together for a night out and make friends ... and maybe more if you meet the right person. Take a look anyway. And good luck!
Join Midsummer's Eve

 

[KateF]

Hi Anna,

It's the two phones thing that sounds most especially dodgy to me.

I've been thinking lots lately about why people are attracted to people who blow hot and cold.

Apparently chemicals in the brain are released when we're all confused (and they're exciting chemicals), then nice calming chemicals are released when our confusion is satisfied and the whole process becomes physically and mentally addictive. Hence people having "strange holds" over unreliable exes, and being intrigued by internet men who sound dodgy but don't lead to the same amoutn of brain chemical release as men who call you "darling" too early.

Apparently there is a balance between excitement and safety-I'm hoping I find it myself at the moment- but good luck!!

 

[Karen]

2 mobile phones rings all kinds of alarms with me as well. i mean...if he had a work one and a personal one then fine. u said he says one is for casual, the other is his real one.

so he must have owned this casual fone before u met...so how many casual numbers are on there? i would have bolted as soon as he said that to be honest cos who really goes out and buys a seperate, specific fone for casuals unless they r intending to have a lot of casual aquaintances? a bloke on the prowl for only one thing!

if i hadnt bolted at that point, it would have been him sulking at u not giving him personal answers. any man who respected u wouldnt ask the question. even if he did respect you, he wouldnt sulk when u dont answer the question unless thats all he is after.

Im was a single mum when i met my hubby online...and the bloke before that. i know its not easy having a limited social life and that the internet can become a bit of a lifeline BUT u surely deserve to be choosier than this..."man". i dont hate men either...i love em!! just not the ones who dont respect a woman.

bin him! i'll bet hes nowhere near "intruging" in real life...just sneaky. u deserve better and theres plenty better out there.

xxxxx

 

[Slim at heart]

Isobel, Bev, Beverly, Kate & Karen, thanks again so much for taking the time out to reply to me...

I guess it never even crossed my mind that he was still 'attached' in any way before I came online looking for advice on his behaviour, I must be very naive..

Because we had chatted for HOURS & HOURS & his story about his kids etc all fitted in & things he said seemed to make sense... it wasn't all sex talk either we had lots of serious conversations about what we were looking for in life etc

I think the phone thing threw me a bit but I have 2 sisters & both of them met their long-time partners online & they both said that their men have 2 phones ie one for work & one for personal use, so I felt this was normal...

My queries were more to do with the fact that he seemed to be playing with me when I specifically told him that I hated mind-games & drama of any kind... I am extremely honest myself & felt this may have come accross to him as being super-available..

I feel the not answering texts thing straight away is a bit of a guy thing anyway, even my own brother doesn't answer my texts...it drives me MAD!!!

Bev- that is so interesting about the chemical reaction in your brain thing.....explains so much in my case lol

Am I coming accross as desperate here??? lol

 

[fitz]

Hi
No, you are not coming across as desperate but human. We are all the same, you found him interesting, scary, funny etc but at the same time confusing. I do believe that the saying "treat em mean and keep em mean" has some depth - the more someone is confusing or challenging to you, the more you want to try harder - thus keeping up something that maybe isn't that good in reality. We have all been there, I would just take a step back, put it all into perspective and move on - you are worth alot more than any timewaster who never replys to text etc.

 

[fitz]

Should have said - "treat em mean and keep em keen"

 

[Karen]

U DONT SOUND DESPERATE TO ME EITHER. iM QUITE OPEN oops cap locks.... Im quite open in conversation about sex and all kinds. doesnt make me overly available. doesnt even make me slightly available lol. im not the type to play games either and prefer to be just blatant and honest about things.

i know u came looking for an answer to the text thing...and i understood all that cos im such a lame communicator in that regard as well but then everything else just rings alarms. u are not niave. we all get hoodwinked at times and in a lot of cases its cos we arent given any reason to mistrust and that cos we r honest, we assume others will be too. i dont think that makes u niave at all.

xxxxxxxxxxx