More of my incessant rambling - getting into a vicious cycle

[Caz]

The last few days I've been thinking quite a lot, dangerous I know! I've been thinking about my past, my upbringing, everything really. I in no way want to dig up the past, a lot of it is better off left where it is. But I do feel like I need to understand how I got this way I guess you could say. What makes me turn to food, why is it my crutch.

I've realised that for a long time I've done this whole, well it's not all my fault. Rubbish happened when I was younger, so I turned to food, it made me feel better. My mum should have given me healthier food. My mum should have given me smaller portions. My doctor should have noticed the trend and said something. School should have made PE more fun.

I've for years done the whole woe is me thing. Life piled all this on me, it's not my fault, blaming people other than myself. Doing the whole no-one understands me, no-one understands what it's like. Getting into that woe is me, my life is crap, I hate it all cycle. But you know what I've realised, there are millions of people out there who do understand. Who know exactly how I feel. Who are in the same situation and understand full well. They're living with the same issues I am. So why I sit there and think that I'm a lone ranger stuck on a deserted island sometimes I really don't know!

I've realised that by holding on to my past and things that have happened and have influenced me, I'm almost using them as a means of justifying my weight, but it doesn't help anyone, least of all me. Justifying it so that I remain how I am, so that I get angry, so that I overeat, it just keeps the cycle going. And I'm realising that there are a lot of things that I need to let go of, things that aren't really related to my weight, but they've become a part of me, and a part of that cycle.

So that's what I've realised I need to do. Just let it go. Forgive people who have hurt me. Forgive myself most of all. And then step forward into the life I'm now marking out for myself and just live.

Sorry. Rambling over. I don't know why I share my rambles with you all really!

 

[Laura Croft]

I think introspecting is a fine thing and working out your triggers and letting go of the past helps you to move forward. I have posted 506 times in my own thread alone since May of last year, and that includes a good month or two of not posting. It's very cathartic and doesn't hurt anyone Believe me there's a reason it's currently called inane rambles.

 

[coley144]

I think you have really got something here. The past does influence us but we have a choice now, right this second, how it influences us.

Mostly people who messed up in the past weren't trying to hurt you. They just didn't know any better. If you can let your feelings out, let them go it does make this whole thing a hell of a lot easier. I found that anyway.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi CG --

I love your rambles. It is good to know that other people have been and are going through the same thing (or similar) to yourself. Post away -- if people aren't interested they won't read or respond.

MM

 

[mich1010]

Hi Caroline, i too love reading your posts xx You tend to summarise me to a tee too.

 

[NumNums]

There comes a time when you do have to let go of everything. I did these two years ago. I forgot and forgiven alot of the things my brother did to me. Past boyfriends. Only one person I can't forgive is my first boyfriend for the abuse he put me through. But he doesn't know of my pain, nor would he care. So I leave that in my own little world of hatred for him.

Justifying something can only go on for so long... for example my gambling due to depression and PND. How long would that excuse last before it's thread bare? The only person making me gamble, is me.

You're not the only one who does it hun, and you wont be the last. But what I would say you've had an epiphany today. Once you get past all the back log of feelings, you'll have a happier and healthier 2010 emotions wise not just weight.

Sorry if none of that makes sense... I tend to waffle.

 

[Eclipse]

Hi hun, I have moved the thread to the CD Off Topic forum x

 

[Caz]

Laura you're right, I think it does help you move forward. I should probably stop boring you all with my rambles though! I should check out your rambles too

Nicole I think you're right too, and that's what I'm realising the past few days I think. It's realising that we have a choice in how we let our past effect us and we get to mark out our own futures ourselves.

MM you know, I hadn't thought of it that way, if people don't want to read it or respond, they don't have to. So MM and Mich I'm glad you both enjoy my posts

Becca you made perfect sense I assure you And again, you're right too! Here's to us all moving forward and forgetting the past.

Cheryl, I thought this relevant to CD, but ok, thanks

 

[Laura Croft]

Laura you're right, I think it does help you move forward. I should probably stop boring you all with my rambles though! I should check out your rambles too

At the end of the day, people have a choice whether to read it or not, and you never know when you've helped people without even realising.

My thread is only for either a) the very brave and b) the desperate insomniacs. I was going through a stage of not posting about food but about people (one of the main reasons I ate in the first place) and I had about 7 minor posts of things that were just in my head. Sure I could have deleted them but I just put them out there and by the end of the 7th post, I realised how much people issues had been getting to me.

Last night I posted about something that got to me all of a sudden but by the time I'd finished my post, the issue had been resolved. I still put it out there because it makes me look at myself from a 3rd person perspective which gives me that all important detachment which then improves my perspective no end.

 

[Caz]

I'm a desperate insomniac!

 

[I can do it]

Hi Caroline, I am new to these boards and reading your first post echoed my life. I have always justified letting myself get fat because when my husband left me I felt worthless so I decided to make myself look worthless cos if he didnt want me then who else would. I realise now that i used my weight as a shield to keep others away and now I feel ready (5yrs later) to re emerge into the world and stop letting that ar**hole blight my life I have wasted too much time on him.

So its time for me to take control and finish this journey that keeps stopping and starting.

Good Luck and thanks for prompting me to write this down it feels like a weight has been lifted.

H xXxXx

 

[redhead66]

Caroline, I want to say a big thank you for posting this thread. It's not the easiest to get to grips with, but I've read it quite a few times over the last couple of day and it's made me take a long hard look at myself.

I spent most of my adult life with a guy who I've now realised had huge self esteem issues, but made himself feel better by projecting them onto me and demolishing my self esteem. He had a thing about skinny women, so I kept my weight unheathily low. When we split I stuffed my face stupid on all the things I used to avoid - sort of a great big 2 fingered salute to him I guess The rose tinted specs fell off a few years ago and I'm completely over him, but in a perverse way I'm still letting him control my life and my relationships through my weight.

My weight ties me to my past, it's time for me to let go. I might not be able to change the past but I sure as hell can, and will, use what I've learned to shape my future.

V x

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi Ladies - It's all about control, isn't it? Whether ot not we feel in control of things, that our lives (jobs, school, relationship, children, friendships, finances, etc.) are ut of control, etc. I know that I gained weight because of seasonal affective disorder -- but I think I had felt more in control of certain aspects of my life... I might have doen something about it a lot sooner. Gotten a diagnosis and lost the weight.

MM

 

[Caz]

I'm glad that somehow my thoughts and rambles have helped, I guess that's why I shared them. It's great to hear you guys so positive about changing your future, and I'm sure you will!

MM, I have issues with control. I'm a person that likes logic, reason, sense, order. And when that changes, and things that are out of my control happen, I get pretty frazzled. I think to be honest I'm slightly OCD at times. It's things like my DVDs have to my categorised and in alphabetical order. Books have to be in height order. I remember a while ago Facebook changed something, not hugely, but a bit and I got really... rahhh about it! Kept saying why have they changed it, I knew it before, there was nothing wrong with it, and now it's different and blah blah blah. It wasn't a big deal, I just don't like things changing! Which is silly really.

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi CG -- I am like a lot of people who become teachers a bit inflexible. So, for me it is really all about control. And, I am learning how to be more flexible about things -- and forgiving.

I have been inspired by your avatar of a few days ago (the too small jeans one) -- when I tried on the jeans that I wore when I felt "right" I got a similar view in my mirror. I am going to get my DH to take a picture of me in those jeans like your photo -- then I will print it up in multples on my printer, laminate them, and post the pics through out the house. I hope they will prove inspirational.

MM