cybill
Gold Member
OK, having been on this 3.5 months, I figure starting a diary may help me to break through this wall I've hit at the moment. I'm in the mid-16's and I'm terrified of getting into the 15's and going further. I've never done it before, it's a journey into the unknown and I keep sabotaging myself.
I've decided to try and start a diary to see if I can use it to help me identify what's going on and find a way through it.
I think somehow big / fat / large feels like part of my identity and I'm nervous about what that will mean if I lose it... will it change how I relate / interact with people. I'm struggling to put my finger on what exactly it is that I'm scared of.
As a teenager (I first put on large amounts of weight aged ~12) I explained it to myself that the thin, pretty, beautiful people were shallow, superficial, just relied on their looks / changed who they were to get on with boys... and I was proud that because of my weight, I couldn't rely on my looks, but instead developed my personality. I think this has got a bit ingrained, and somewhere I'm worried that if I lose the weight... and presumably feel more attractive as a result, that I may adjust my behaviour in the way I saw others doing when I was a teenager. I know at some level that this is totally daft, as I'm 36, and unlikely to suddenly revert to being an immature 13 year old... but I think this is what I'm nervous of.
I've done a lot of work in the last few years on learning to value and respect myself, and finally realise the importance of looking after myself and treating my own needs as important - so I don't think I'm in the danger I would have been when I was younger, of adjusting my behaviour to suit other people. I think, had I been more attractive as a younger person, I would potentially have behaved in a way that put my identity in other people's hands.
Maybe I'm just nervous that when I meet people for the first time, it will be different. I think people will respond differently to me... as when I was close to 22stone, I was a big person, as well as a big personality... now it will be my personality that goes first I guess... maybe I'm nervous about that. Perhaps the weight has been something that I've hidden behind.
I know I'm handling it better this time than previously. I'm starting to stand up to my real height, rather than slouching to try and hide my height - people are suddenly realising that I'm ~5ft10 tall, and they'd not realised before. Perhaps I am ready to just get on and be the person I am, and not keep this weight as some kind of perverse security / comfort blanket.
So I guess now I need to own up to my behaviour today. I was looking after my daughter and then a friend's daughter today. Breakfast & lunch were fine, I kept to TS. But then mid-afternoon I did drinks and snacks for the 2 girls, and I ate one of their biscuits. (Bad, but not too bad.) However, then I'd got the taste for it, and once the other girl had gone home and I'd put our daughter to bed I then went and found the packet and devoured several more. It's ridiculous, they're not even biscuits I particularly like - but I'm hovering at that mid-16's, and I know this will have put off the 15's for another day or two. Argggggg.... right, time to commit that tomorrow I will stay totally TS for the whole day, no if's, but's, maybe's.
Sorry, this is a really waffly, roundabout post, it's me just trying to work through it, and writing it down will hopefully help. I also hope, that by me writing it down in public, somehow I will be a bit accountable to you guys, rather than just hiding my behaviour and letting it escalate.
Here's to tomorrow... and a whole TS day.
I've decided to try and start a diary to see if I can use it to help me identify what's going on and find a way through it.
I think somehow big / fat / large feels like part of my identity and I'm nervous about what that will mean if I lose it... will it change how I relate / interact with people. I'm struggling to put my finger on what exactly it is that I'm scared of.
As a teenager (I first put on large amounts of weight aged ~12) I explained it to myself that the thin, pretty, beautiful people were shallow, superficial, just relied on their looks / changed who they were to get on with boys... and I was proud that because of my weight, I couldn't rely on my looks, but instead developed my personality. I think this has got a bit ingrained, and somewhere I'm worried that if I lose the weight... and presumably feel more attractive as a result, that I may adjust my behaviour in the way I saw others doing when I was a teenager. I know at some level that this is totally daft, as I'm 36, and unlikely to suddenly revert to being an immature 13 year old... but I think this is what I'm nervous of.
I've done a lot of work in the last few years on learning to value and respect myself, and finally realise the importance of looking after myself and treating my own needs as important - so I don't think I'm in the danger I would have been when I was younger, of adjusting my behaviour to suit other people. I think, had I been more attractive as a younger person, I would potentially have behaved in a way that put my identity in other people's hands.
Maybe I'm just nervous that when I meet people for the first time, it will be different. I think people will respond differently to me... as when I was close to 22stone, I was a big person, as well as a big personality... now it will be my personality that goes first I guess... maybe I'm nervous about that. Perhaps the weight has been something that I've hidden behind.
I know I'm handling it better this time than previously. I'm starting to stand up to my real height, rather than slouching to try and hide my height - people are suddenly realising that I'm ~5ft10 tall, and they'd not realised before. Perhaps I am ready to just get on and be the person I am, and not keep this weight as some kind of perverse security / comfort blanket.
So I guess now I need to own up to my behaviour today. I was looking after my daughter and then a friend's daughter today. Breakfast & lunch were fine, I kept to TS. But then mid-afternoon I did drinks and snacks for the 2 girls, and I ate one of their biscuits. (Bad, but not too bad.) However, then I'd got the taste for it, and once the other girl had gone home and I'd put our daughter to bed I then went and found the packet and devoured several more. It's ridiculous, they're not even biscuits I particularly like - but I'm hovering at that mid-16's, and I know this will have put off the 15's for another day or two. Argggggg.... right, time to commit that tomorrow I will stay totally TS for the whole day, no if's, but's, maybe's.
Sorry, this is a really waffly, roundabout post, it's me just trying to work through it, and writing it down will hopefully help. I also hope, that by me writing it down in public, somehow I will be a bit accountable to you guys, rather than just hiding my behaviour and letting it escalate.
Here's to tomorrow... and a whole TS day.
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