Trying to turn things around

[Angelus Errare]

I can remember the first time I really felt fat. It was when I was thirteen and I was at a store with my best friend trying some dresses on. She was wearing a size seven and I was in a fourteen (American sizes). Which was the first time I noticed that in terms of size I wasn't really like other girls my age. When I got older I started the constant struggle with weight gain. I have tried every diet under the sun including fasting for two days straight. I lost weight but never kept it off.

Seven years ago I fell in love with a man from England and flew across the sea to live with him in the UK. He really is wonderful and is so supportive of me. Except he is tall and slim and always has been so he doesn't really understand. He knows its hard and is very good about how emotional it is. But in terms of trying to talk to him about it, he just doesn't understand. Anyway in coming to the UK I had access to something new that might help me lose weight.

I joined Slimming World a few years back for the first time. It was fabulous. The weight flew off of me in no time at all. I found the plan so easy and simple. I lost nearly 5 stone in just under a year. I loved it so much I decide to become a consultant. I loved that too. The things outside of group the support, the promotion, the leafleting ect started to consume my life. I gave up my job to make a go of being a full time consultant. My group was never super successful (not for lack of trying) but I loved the job and my members.

What I didn't love was how easily the weight came piling back on. They warn you when they interview you. They say, a lot of consultants struggle with their weight. A lot of them put it back on. And I remember thinking, oh that won't be me. Oh how wrong I was.

I did put most of my weight back on in the single year I was a consultant. Working for SW took up so much of my life that I didn't even want to think about it when it came to my own personal time. When I opened up the fridge I would think to myself, oh god not more Slimming World. I flit from group to group struggling to find a place to fit in where I didn't feel like some kind of leper. I struggled to support my members and give advice in group because I felt like a fraud. How could I help them lose the weight they wanted if I couldn't help myself? So because I felt so terrible I started to eat and eat and eat.

And so eventually I decided that my weight and my health were more important then the job and I left being a consultant in Sept of last year.

Now I am left with the remnants of a mess both in terms of Slimming World and in myself. Every group I go to everyone knows I used to be a consultant. I feel horrifically ashamed that I have put so much weight back on. I am embarrassed to walk into a group where I think people might know me. Everyone consultant treats me different because I used to be one. I find that groups are no longer fulfilling and have lost their magic.

I am sort of at a loss of what to do to get myself motivated and to keep myself there.

A new consultant has just started a group across the road from me. I think have decided that I want to, at the very least, go and get weighed every week. But I dread walking in the door for the first time. I know that she won't recognise me since she is new which is a good thing. But I don't really want to have to sit through a new members talk because it will bring back all those same feelings. I just keep asking myself, Why can't I do this any more? I have no clue what I weight right now. I am actually terrified to find out. I don't want to know how much I have let myself down.

I've joined this forum in hopes to have some place where I can come to where people actually understand how hard this weight loss thing is.

I'm going to make myself push the post button now before I chicken out!

 

[lickthelid]

That's a brave post. Your relationship with SW is interesting and despite your fears you are back and determined. That's very admirable.

this forum is so amazing and as an online customer I have found this place invaluable and I have "met" some amazing people. I have learnt that we all have our stories and our hurdles to overcome. Have a read around of other diaries for inspiration. I really find this helps. Yours is a prime example.

Hopefully the new class will give you what you need and we here can fill in any gaps xx

 

[abisaurus]

wow, thats a really honest post.

I wish I could say something to help, I think its great and admirable that you want to go back as you know the plan works, its just finding your mojo again with it. I think you're in quite a unique position to most of us here.

If there is ever any help or support you need the people on here are absolutely fantastic and so supportive.x.x.x.

 

[Angelus Errare]

Thanks for your support I'm looking forward to posting around and using these forum to help me out.

I think I am just going to try and put all the consultant stuff behind me and just be a member. For me my weight loss is very emotional so I felt better just actually putting these words down some where.

 

[lickthelid]

Emotional eating is so common. We eat away our hurt, disappointment, stress, boredom. Whatever we may be experiencing. The best advice I can offer is to do just as you say. Use this place as much as possible and just be a member. Let it work in the way you know it does!! X

 

[Rae Rae]

Hello,

Would you not consider joining sw online instead of a group? I suppise it depends what you're looking for. I'm an online member+to be fair, don't rate it that much but maybe it would help if you don't want to go to group or just come on here for support as you already have the knowledge.

Best of luck xx

 

[Angelus Errare]

Rae - I've considered going online. I think my fear would be just forgetting about it after awhile? Or that I would just ignore it because I don't have to actually go anywhere or do anything for it? If this new group doesn't pan out then I think that is the way I am going to go. Thanks for the suggestion!



I've just ordered a big shop online to be delivered on Monday. (No car so impossible to carry it all home!) I spent ages looking up syn values on the forum. This place is fab! So much support and information.

I've planned out 90 syns for the week and leaving the rest to play with. Feeling excited by some of my choices because I know its stuff I really enjoy. I've also got all my evening meals planned out which should help me as well. Thanks to this place I am starting to actually feel excited about losing weight again!

 

[Lily]

Wonderfully honest posts. I think many of us can relate to how you feel, even without the added guilt factor of having been a SW consultant who "should've known better". Not that I believe that "should've known better" part, you understand. I'm just getting very strongly from your first post that's how you feel.

Losing weight is always the easy bit. Keeping it off is nigh on impossible. You probably already know the statistic that only 5% of people who lose weight manage to keep it off. That statistic becomes even more depressing when you find out that it's based on people keeping off some of the weight they lost, even if that's only a few pounds. Which means I'm a weight loss success story, even though I managed to put back all but about 8lbs of the weight I lost 5 years ago (5 and a half stones).

The trouble is, diets are nearly all focused on losing weight, not on how to keep it off. SW is one of the better diets for giving you a structure for keeping weight off but no one who loses weight really wants to face the thought that keeping it off means doing more of the same - forever. We like to eat for many other reasons than nutrition! We're surrounded by food and prompts to eat 24/7. As Dr George Blair-West writes in a book I can highly recommend (Weight Loss for Food Lovers):

I would argue that giving up unhealthy food is a much more complicated ask. The big difference is that, unlike nicotine or alcohol, we need food for our very survival! Moreover, as we have seen already, we develop a much greater attachment to food in our formative years than we ever do to nicotine or alcohol (although some teenagers do try to make up the difference!). Food addiction is the only addiction where we get hooked before we can walk!

Imagine the problem that a heroin addict would have wandering through their day with heroin available in lots of different forms everywhere they went! They would get out of bed, open the fridge door and there it would be – taunting them. Opening the pantry door – more. Then they would go out only to be confronted by coffee shops with beautifully presented syringes, all ready to inject – with a nice clean needle and a small bow to make it look pretty! How far would a heroin addict get through the day without using?

I believe that food is the most addictive substance on the planet – way more addictive than heroin. And we doctors expect you to go through your day – constantly confronted by this addictive substance that you need to survive – and only eat as much as you need to survive! While the medical profession may have set the standard, the greater diet industry is equally to blame. The vast majority of diet plans out there tell us that all we have to do is eat the way they tell us and the weight will just fall off. This is usually true, as there are very few diets that don’t cause weight loss. But what they don’t tell us is how difficult it is to eat this way for the long-term.

It doesn’t matter how effective a diet is in causing weight loss if we can’t maintain it indefinitely. Whenever you start a diet you must ask the question, ‘Is this something that I can see myself doing in six months, a year, or in six years’ time?’ If the honest answer is ‘no’ don’t put yourself through the heartache and roller-coaster of the weight-loss cycle.

Please don't give yourself such a hard time over this. You aren't a failure - you're normal. You've got nothing to be ashamed of - nearly all of us do what you've done. You might then think, why bother (I certainly have!). The "why bother" for me is that (1) I know I'd just get bigger and bigger and (2) I know how much better I feel when I'm lighter, even just a stone lighter.

You sound like you're in the right headspace to get going with this again. That's the other thing I've found over the years. It's a bit like surfing, LOL, waiting for that big wave to carry you into shore.

 

[Angelus Errare]

Lily - Thanks for your support and supportive words. I am totally going to keep them in mind going forward!

I've been back to fully food optimising the past few days. Its been easy at the moment to start up the momentum but keeping it going is often a problem for me. The main reason is because I am just so dang lazy. Going with the extra easy at the moment.

Food diary for today:

Breakfast - 3 slices of extra lean bacon, two eggs scrambled with a tin of mushrooms. 1 lvl tblsp of ketchup (1 syn). I normally do my eggs with some cheese but I am trying to break the habit since its about 4-6 syns I would rather spend on something delicious. But I found the eggs a bit bland so slapped some ketchup on but it still syns so its not a long term so I plan on posting around the forums to see if anyone has some suggestion to spice up eggs.

Mid-morning sacks at work - Banana and apple

Lunch - 1 Quorn crispy fillet (3 syns), Left over pasta in home made sauce with low fat red Leicester cheese (HEA) and green beans.

Nescafe skinny latte - (3 1/2 syns)

Dinner - Bachelors savoury rice, home made chili made with bacon, tomatoes, onion, garlic, kidney beans and brocolli

Afters - 1 alpen light bar (HEB) and a Muller light greek style (1/2 syn)

Pleased about making sure to have 1/3 super speed on all meals and a total of 8 syns for the day! Bring on tomorrow!

 

[Angelus Errare]

Spent some time arranging my syn box. At the moment I am trying to keep in control of my syns as much as possible. I made this box to keep my syns in awhile ago but I haven't used it in ages. Thought I would get back to it since its worked for me before!

I wanted to keep it around 80 syns. That way if I decide I want some sauce with something or a chocolate or biscuit at work I have some wiggle room. The outside is just some pretty stuff that I like to make it look nice and more appealing. The inside is all black decorated with silver stars. You can see my syns for this week all marked up and packed inside

 

[Rae Rae]

Ohhh what a fab idea, you sound so much more positive. Well done x

 

[Angelus Errare]

Third day in a row fully food optimising! Have to admit I am feeling very proud of myself now.

I made some home-made BBQ sauce SW style that I found on a recipe page last night. I chucked it in the slow cooker last night with some pork tenderloin. Then this morning I put it on to cook all day while I was at work. When I got home the house smelled so nummy. It tasted really nice as well. So while the cold weather is still here I am determined to try and use my slow cooker more often. Its so easy to just throw things in.

I've been finding some of my work colleagues kind of annoying at the moment. They are a lot of people around that are doing SW too and they are always asking me if I've been back to group. It feels like a lot of pressure and like I have to answer to them for my weight loss. So I've told everyone that I am not going to group at the moment.

Tomorrow should be another good day as well I plan on going to join a group tomorrow night so I'm sure I will be back to post about that experience.

 

[Angelus Errare]

So I went to group on Thursday night. I was almost in tears before I went because I found the whole prospect so scary. But my husband gave me a hug and sent me on my way with some kind words.

I walked in and straight away the new consultant recognised me from when I covered a group she had been a member in. At first I was like, oh here we go -_-. But I straight told her I just wanted to be a new member and I wanted to sit through the new members talk just like anyone else. Fair play to her she treated me just like she did all of her other new members and that made me feel really at ease. Much to my surprise there were two women in the group who had been in the class I originally attended as a member. I sat in group and I didnt feel bored or annoyed or sad. In fact it was really fun and I thought the new consultant was really great (if a bit nervous). She weighed me at the end of group and we shared some really kind words and it was nice. I had planned on just using the group to weight and go but I think I am going to be staying because it was a really lovely group of people if a bit quiet. So I had all that apprehension and worries for nothing. Happy Days!

I've been filling out my food diaries just like I would as any other new member. Its helping me get back properly into the swing of things. I am actually looking forward to what the scales say next week. Onwards and downwards!

 

[abisaurus]

Its so nice to hear you enjoyed your group and would feel okay staying instead of just using it to get weighed .x.x.x.

 

[Rae Rae]

You sound so positive which is great. I've never been to group as I've been doing sw online but my membership is due to expire so going to give the group thing a go. It's nice to hear that you've enjoyed the group experience xx

 

[Angelus Errare]

And I'm back.


I told myself I wasn’t going to try and come back to these forums without actually being ready to do this again. I wasn’t really very active last time but I am hoping to be more so this time. Maybe I’m not ready to do the weight loss thing but I am going to try.


It’s ironic that I return to this diary nearly a year after my last post. To make a very long story short I have had no more success with actual Slimming World groups. I have been to a few over the past year and always end up not going again after a few weeks. They just aren't for me. I have been a total yo-yo this year and have had no success with my weight loss.
In the past year I have also started physio therapy for knee problems and developed surprise asthma. Neither of these were enough to draw me out of the pit of my own self-loathing to lose the weight the doctors recommended I lose.


Then a scary thing happened to me in Jan. I started losing my vision, having head aches and dizzy spells. Another long story short my brain is retaining fluid and the major treatment for this is to lose 10% of my body weight. Heh, imagine that. I have been told I could lose my eye sight if I do not lose weight.


In truth I’m lucky because it could have been something a lot worse and the logical side of me knows that. But I still felt completely devastated when the doctors told me this. I felt like the worst possible news they could have given me was that I simply needed to lose weight.


Losing weight for me seized to be simple a long time ago.


So I signed up (again) for Slimming World online. Throughout Feb I managed to lose about a pound a week. Had a holiday in March and put back on all four pounds. Which was disappointing but it was 3 weeks of not really following plan.


This led me to be daring enough to try the new SP plan. I’m so disillusioned with SW at the moment that I totally didn’t think it would work. I downloaded the example week for SP off the website and followed it pretty much exactly.


To my utter shock I lost 6 pounds. It was the first time I have had a big weight loss like that since I first joined SW back in 2010.


It was a lot of hard work and I don’t really feel I could maintain that amount of prepping and planning on a constant basis. So I have gone carefully back to EE this week. I am of course worried that I am going to put it back on this week, terrified in fact. Just thinking of what those scales might say next week makes me want to burst into tears.


What SP did highlight for me was my dependence on carbs, non-speed fruit, and yoghurt. Not that these are bad things but as SW always says, all things in moderation. To attempt to not put all the weight back on straight away I am doing EE but trying to have speed fruit over non speed fruit, less yoghurt, and carbs with only one meal a day.

I am my own worst enemy in this. I just need to get on track. Not even back on track because I haven't truly been there for ages. No groups, no consultants, just me and food.