Unrequited love woes...or some such nonsense! :-(

dudette2001uk

dudette2001uk

I will be a Princess!
Hi all,

I don't think anyone's going ot be able to help me with this, but it's nice to be able to 'talk' to somebody - I don't really have many girl friends here to talk to. This may not make a huge amount of sense as I will probably end up rambling, but I hope you can catch the jist of it.

Some of you may remember me mentioning a while ago a certain barman who was giving me butterflies in my stomach. He's always been quite flirtatious...long lingering glances and joining me for a few drinks after his shift finished. Now a big part of me has always hoped that he may like me, but the sensible side of me had decided he was just being nice and charming. There's also been a major thorn in the ointment - he's seeing somebody else :( Despite this he escorts me home on a Sunday night, and he always wants a hug before he goes home.

On Sunday evening (the night he works) I decided that, as I'm breaking up for the summer holidays on Friday and going away for six weeks, it was time to bite the bullet - or at least to try making my feelings a little clearer to him to see if he felt even slightly the same way. Sorry...this is probably boring you all now :eek::eek: Also, please don't judge me for trying to flirt with him - I know he's got a girlfriend, and while he's with her I'd never act on my feelings anyway.

So anyways...we both spent the evening being outrageously flirtatious with each other, and he came round to sit with me after his shift finished as usual. We were chatting for a bit then I told him that I was really going to miss him over the summer, to which his response was "if only I was single" - now I don't think I'm getting the wrong end of the stick here when I take that as being some sort of statement of how he actually feels? :eek: :sigh:

As he always does he walked me home, holding me around the waist to stop me breaking my ankle in my shoes...they were rather high! :eek: When we got back to my house he asked me for my phone number - he said he could text me and be really explicit! :eek::eek: I had to pick my jaw up off the floor after that comment! :eek: He wouldn't give me his number though - I guess I can understand that as he has a girlfriend, but I now have to sit and wait to see if he texts, like some sad sap! :cry: Was he just trying to taunt me by taking my number, but not giving me his? Maybe I scared him off by giving him a peck on the cheek when he hugged me :sigh:

I guess I should just forget about him :sigh: His girlfriend has serious mental health problems, so maybe he just sees me as a slice of 'normality' and doesn't really like me that way. I don't know. I've always been absolutely rubbish at reading signs - so even though I'd like to think he fancies me, a more than small part of me thinks that I'm just a get out clause for him, which isn't something I want to be. All I know is that we get on really well - we both like similar things, we can chat for ages without noticing time go by, and we can even walk together in silence without things being awkward.

I don't really know if anybody's going to be able to give me any insight. In a way I'm happy that I tried to make my feelings known, and didn't get rejected - and I do think he has feelings for me. Maybe having 6 weeks apart from each other will give us both time to think about things. Either that or it's going to drive me to distraction!


Sorry for this rambling tome. Just ignore me :eek:


Sian xx
 
This probably isn't what you want to hear but he sounds like a bit of a kn0b!
He's basically saying he's in a relationship so nothing really can happen but he wants to send you the occasional dirty message?
Don't be sitting round waiting for him to text, he's got a girlfriend who i'm sure has no idea what he's up to!
Sorry if that comes across as harsh x
 
Again, probably not what you want to hear but...

If he is doing this behind his current girlfriends back, what is to say he wouldn't do it to you. Fair enough you haven't physically "done" anything, but for me the flirting and dirty texts would be quite enough.

It sounds to me like he wants to have the best of both worlds. Tell him to get stuffed! You are worth far more than that.
 
I have to agree with everyone else, he sounds like a *not very nice word*
I used to have a friend who was always getting herself into situations like yours and now she's married (well separated now) with a 6 month old baby to a bloke who didn't want a wedding ring and who was constantly off places she had no idea where he was, he wasn't working and money (hundreds of pounds at a time) would go missing from the bank account randomly and he could never really provide an explanation as to where it went (well he did but they didn't make sense) He was constantly lying about everything and she just took everything he said and wouldn't argue with his pathetic excuses because she'd got it into her head she'd won because he'd married her and not his ex or any of the other women he was seeing.
If he texts you, don't reply!! And I'd avoid seeing him after the 6 weeks holidays as well. You deserve better and his girlfriend deserves better, yes you can't help her completely, you can't stop him doing it with other women but you can make sure you don't get involved.
 
I agree with everything that everyone has said. It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it (regardless of its syn value). Please respect yourself enough to steer clear. If he wants you that badly then he will make himself single and available.
Here's a little mantra for you... "I am worthy of more than this. I deserve to be someone's everything, not someone's plaything"

Now, go find yourself someone who makes you feel fabulous :)
 
I would say forget him! He sounds as if he just wants you for a bit of excitement when he wants then can diagrams you when he wants to, also think of his poor gf not very nice
 
Sian, you know what a lot I think of you and we have a fair bit of virtual history.

I would like nothing better than to see you in a happy and stable relationship because you are worth it and there is some lucky fellow out there just waiting to meet you.

I dislike everything about this w&nker without meeting him. He has no moral standards, no ethics. He is everything I dislike in a man, in anyone in fact.

His behaviour with you is as unfaithful and disloyal as it would be if you had slept together. In my book just flirting with another woman is a betrayal.

You are a super, lovely, intelligent, young woman and you deserve better than some two timing rat who obviously has no respect for his girlfriend so therefore most certainly has none for you.

big. big hugs xxxxxx
 
Thank you all for your replies. As someone said it's a shame that our hearts don't listen as well as our heads. I know in my head that this is not a good situation, and I suppose I'm equally to blame for the point it's got to :( I just wish my heart was as sensible.

I do think, if things were different, it could be a very successful relationship, but then I guess I'll never know. I refuse to be a bit on the side, so no-one needs worry about me doing that. I do have more self-respect than that.

I think I'm going to go and have a little cry over all of this and then I'm going to try to move on xxx
 
Big, big hugs,

xxxxxxxx
 
dudette2001uk said:
Thank you all for your replies. As someone said it's a shame that our hearts don't listen as well as our heads. I know in my head that this is not a good situation, and I suppose I'm equally to blame for the point it's got to :( I just wish my heart was as sensible.

I do think, if things were different, it could be a very successful relationship, but then I guess I'll never know. I refuse to be a bit on the side, so no-one needs worry about me doing that. I do have more self-respect than that.

I think I'm going to go and have a little cry over all of this and then I'm going to try to move on xxx
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This is going to sound really harsh, but please don't take any offence but no it would not be a very successful relationship if things were different. He is obviously the sort of person who does two time. If you'd met him and he'd been single, you may have ended up in a relationship, but he would cheat on you...at the very least he would be sending other women dirty texts.

You deserve respect, but this type of bloke no matter how nice you think he is now, will never have that respect for women, its just not the way he's wired. I know at the moment you have feelings for him and will see all his good points, but one day you will look back on this and think ''what was I thinking? He's a horrible person''

*hugs* hope you feel better soon, it is hard when we have feelings for someone, but just try and think about what he's already done with you and imagine you had met in other circumstances and were his girlfriend... then imagine him acting how he has with you but with another woman while your seeing him. No doubt his girlfriend thinks they have a good relationship. Have you met her by the way? Do you know she has these mental problems? because that's another thing men like him like to do, make out that there's something wrong with their current girlfriend, so its ''okay'' that they behave the way they do with another woman.
 
donna88 said:
This is going to sound really harsh, but please don't take any offence but no it would not be a very successful relationship if things were different. He is obviously the sort of person who does two time. If you'd met him and he'd been single, you may have ended up in a relationship, but he would cheat on you...at the very least he would be sending other women dirty texts.

You deserve respect, but this type of bloke no matter how nice you think he is now, will never have that respect for women, its just not the way he's wired. I know at the moment you have feelings for him and will see all his good points, but one day you will look back on this and think ''what was I thinking? He's a horrible person''

*hugs* hope you feel better soon, it is hard when we have feelings for someone, but just try and think about what he's already done with you and imagine you had met in other circumstances and were his girlfriend... then imagine him acting how he has with you but with another woman while your seeing him. No doubt his girlfriend thinks they have a good relationship. Have you met her by the way? Do you know she has these mental problems? because that's another thing men like him like to do, make out that there's something wrong with their current girlfriend, so its ''okay'' that they behave the way they do with another woman.
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Fair points well made. I have met his girlfriend, and yes she does have MPD. And to be fair to him he's never used her mental illness as an excuse...I was the nosey one who was asking him about her and her problems.

Oh well, I'm going away for 6 weeks as of saturday, so plenty of time to put it all behind me before I start back in school in September xx
 
dudette2001uk said:
Fair points well made. I have met his girlfriend, and yes she does have MPD. And to be fair to him he's never used her mental illness as an excuse...I was the nosey one who was asking him about her and her problems.

Oh well, I'm going away for 6 weeks as of saturday, so plenty of time to put it all behind me before I start back in school in September xx
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Hope you have a fab 6 weeks.
 
I'm going to play devils advocate here a little bit. Everyone is very keen to trash this chap but a) he hasn't actually done anything with Sian that could constitute cheating and he's always openly admitted to being in a relationship, b) he's with a girl that has mental health problems, which can be remarkably stressful for the person in a relationship who isn't unwell, c) he might have been a bit flirty but lots of people are without even realising it, or because it's their nature to be very friendly and outgoing and that can be taken the wrong way, and d) he's stated that in another time and another place things might be different, but he isn't and they aren't.

Lets give him a bit of credit for a) not just walking away from his girlfriend, many men would struggle to deal with that, b) being honest enough to admit to someone he's coming to trust that things are not perfect in his life and c) we don't actually know him or anything other than what we have been told so only know a small part of his story, which doesn't put us in a good position to judge.

With that said - I think he maybe is struggling with having some sort of feelings for Sian and I think this six week break will be good for them both to get some perspective. Sian has stated that she won't go there while he's with someone anyway, but I think writing someone off as a cheater when they haven't as yet done anything to warrant it is a bit unfair. Yes, the implication of sending explicit texts isn't great but that could have been a bit of a joke given the flirty nature of their friendship. If he does actually follow it up with real texts though, I would back right off.

For your own sake Sian, I wouldn't want to go there at the moment either. He would need to be entirely single and recovered from the relationship ending before I would even consider it. He's a nice guy and you get on great, but use this six weeks to push him firmly back into the friend zone as thats all it can be at the moment. If he texts, keep it light and friendly, and nothing more.

I'm a firm believer in things happening if they are meant to. You know that cheating is not something you are willing to be a party to, so as things stand - its not happening anyway. Use the break to get some perspective yourself and just relax and have some fun, connect with old friends and family, and don't give him too much thought. You may find the distance will do you good and make you feel differently about him. He may be a better friend than potential love, anyway. But take good care of yourself and enjoy the time off.
 
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MadameLaMinx said:
I'm going to play devils advocate here a little bit. Everyone is very keen to trash this chap but a) he hasn't actually done anything with Sian that could constitute cheating and he's always openly admitted to being in a relationship, b) he's with a girl that has mental health problems, which can be remarkably stressful for the person in a relationship who isn't unwell, c) he might have been a bit flirty but lots of people are without even realising it, or because it's their nature to be very friendly and outgoing and that can be taken the wrong way, and d) he's stated that in another time and another place things might be different, but he isn't and they aren't.

Lets give him a bit of credit for a) not just walking away from his girlfriend, many men would struggle to deal with that, b) being honest enough to admit to someone he's coming to trust that things are not perfect in his life and c) we don't actually know him or anything other than what we have been told so only know a small part of his story, which doesn't put us in a good position to judge.

With that said - I think he maybe is struggling with having some sort of feelings for Sian and I think this six week break will be good for them both to get some perspective. Sian has stated that she won't go there while he's with someone anyway, but I think writing someone off as a cheater when they haven't as yet done anything to warrant it is a bit unfair. Yes, the implication of sending explicit texts isn't great but that could have been a bit of a joke given the flirty nature of their friendship. If he does actually follow it up with real texts though, I would back right off.

For your own sake Sian, I wouldn't want to go there at the moment either. He would need to be entirely single and recovered from the relationship ending before I would even consider it. He's a nice guy and you get on great, but use this six weeks to push him firmly back into the friend zone as thats all it can be at the moment. If he texts, keep it light and friendly, and nothing more.

I'm a firm believer in things happening if they are meant to. You know that cheating is not something you are willing to be a party to, so as things stand - its not happening anyway. Use the break to get some perspective yourself and just relax and have some fun, connect with old friends and family, and don't give him too much thought. You may find the distance will do you good and make you feel differently about him. He may be a better friend than potential love, anyway. But take good care of yourself and enjoy the time off.
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Yeah I agree with you, in fact I was in this position a year ago although I was in his position.
I was unhappy with my BF of 7 years and met a new guy at work who was just like my second half (cliche I know but I've never expericed it before) we flirted ALOT and even went out together for drinks "as friends"!
He then got a bit frustrated with hearing me say how unhappy I was but never doing anything and he backed off, I was so scared of losing him it was the kick up the backside I needed and broke up with my BF!
We didn't get together for 3 months but when we did it was amazing I'm so glad I never cheated and how it all turned out

We've been together 9 months and it's been the best of my life, this is true love at its best.

Continue to be his friend and you never know what the future holds I think the 6 weeks apart will do you both good and put some perspective on how you both really feel! But good luck! xx

Sent from my iPhone using MiniMins
 
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