What to do - Dilemma Help needed please

[IWILLSUCCEED!]

Hiya all,
I think this is a great and honest thread and have ummed and ahhed about posting on here cos I'm basically paranoid that anyone I know will see this!
I'm 46 and the mother of 2 kids with special needs. Seb is 18 and Rosie is 10 (autistic etc etc etc).
I met a lovely guy a few years ago online and he moved in with me in October 2006.
He proposed and we are supposed to be getting married this August 30th.
Sadly, things have been going downhill lately. I've realised that he is never gonna be able to change - he has black and white thinking and always thinks his way is the right way. He has real problems with my son who has Aspergers - has labelled him lazy, dirty etc whereas I see him as a teenager who WILL change at some point and remind him that Seb is much younger emotionally than most 18 year olds - he also doesn't smoke, drink, carry knives, hang around in gangs and IS keeping his apprenticeship up. He IS a lazy little oik and will do the least possible he has to but.....he's my son and I feel stuck in the middle between them.
My OH is also very intractable and argumentative. There's so many things that are upsetting me about him at the moment but I can't see them changing. He decided to move in before I was ready but went ahead anyway. He can be very childish when I'm wanting an adult discussion about things - he digs his heels in. Yesterday he stormed out of my mums because I told him off for pinching another dessert without asking if anyone else wanted it.
I have become pregnant twice now (yeah I know I'm too old!) and have tried loads of contraception including a mirena coil which sent me bonkers and turned me into a monster. He agreed that if none of this worked that he would have a vasectomy but, a couple of weeks ago, when I had the 2nd miscarriage and asked him what we were gonna do, he said outright "I'm NOT gonna have the snip - no matter what I promised". He then said it was my fault I'd lost the babies so I escaped the house at 10pm.
In the end - a few days later after seeing me in a right state he agreed that he would, after all, have the snip but it remains to be seen if he does or not. He was actually keeping his options open in case something happens to me and he wants a child with someone else!!! I reminded him that he's nearly 50 and if he wants a kid so much he should leave me and find a suitable woman for that!
There are other issues - he insists on my kids brushing their teeth twice a day at least but will only brush his at night! - I find this hypocritical and offensive to be honest. There have been issues over money - I think everything is ours but he considers some of it to be his alone!
Now the good points!!!!! He is very loving towards me, he is practical and will fix and do anything that needs doing. He does listen to me when I have a problem (as long as it doesn't impact on him!). I love him and would be lost without him. He is the first man I have had in my life who hasn't abused me. My husband who died 5 years ago was a junkie and alcoholic and life was hell.
I am so worried about my daughter who has formed such a strong attachment to him and desperately wants him to be her dad - he is great with her and loves her.
If we don't marry I'm worried he will see that as the end and leave. This will leave my daughter heartbroken as he has promised he will be her dad.
This is dominating my life - he was the one who wanted to get married yet has done nothing about it - is leaving it all to me and I've only ordered stationery and booked the registry office. Nothing that can't be cancelled but.... how do I deal with my daughter's upset (she is autistic and it will affect her badly) and how do I postpone the wedding without making him walk - what reasons will I give to him?
Sorry to be so pathetic but I've no one else to talk to about this and it's getting me so down - I'm crying as I write this.
I thought I had found my Mr Right but now I'm not so sure. There are a lot worse blokes out there and I'm also scared of being alone once more. I also know that when he's not about (working nights etc) I miss him so much. Such mixed feelings. I need help and sorry this is such a long post.
Tx

 

[Eclipse]

Aw darling, my heart goes out to you. It is a difficult situation, but you must do what is best for you.

You say you thought you had found your Mr Right, and from what you say it appears his first name is "Always". He won't change that now, not at almost 50 and you have to decide whether you can live with that. Its a case of weighing up the good with the bad, so to speak.

You have also said that you are due to marry in August, but now feel you want to delay it (not cancel it altogether). If that is the case, why delay it, if you still want to marry him. If you don't want to marry him, then there's your answer, don't marry him. Have you tried talking to him about this.

I am sorry I am not much help here xxx

 

[annie_d]

OMG Poor, poor you. I say that not out of pity but because i genuinely feel for you in your position. How difficult. Whatever decision you may is a big risk isn't it? You are wrong when you say you can't manage without him though and you are right when you say he won't change at nearly 50 years old. Your contraception has got to be sorted one way or another, hasn't it? Additional strain of another baby would be monumental for all of you. I think it's hard enough for all young lads nowadays and especially for one whose view of the world is slanted. What does your son feel about your bf?
Maybe you just have to trust in the universe for support. Good luck and love in all you do. x

 

[Isis]

Hi IWS

Have just posted a reply to you in Families Forum..xx

 

[Sweetpea]

Well there seem to be more bad points than good ones:

I've realised that he is never gonna be able to change - he has black and white thinking and always thinks his way is the right way.

He has real problems with my son who has Aspergers - has labelled him lazy, dirty etc whereas I .. remind him that Seb is much younger emotionally than most 18 year olds

My OH is also very intractable and argumentative.

He decided to move in before I was ready but went ahead anyway.

He can be very childish when I'm wanting an adult discussion about things - he digs his heels in.

He agreed that if none of this worked that he would have a vasectomy but, a couple of weeks ago, ..... he said outright "I'm NOT gonna have the snip - no matter what I promised".

He was actually keeping his options open in case something happens to me and he wants a child with someone else!!!

There are other issues - he insists on my kids brushing their teeth twice a day at least but will only brush his at night!

There have been issues over money - I think everything is ours but he considers some of it to be his alone!



Now the good points!!!!!
He is very loving towards me,

he is practical and will fix and do anything that needs doing.

He does listen to me when I have a problem (as long as it doesn't impact on him!).
This is a good point?

I love him and would be lost without him.
Why?

He is the first man I have had in my life who hasn't abused me.
Maybe this statement says so much about your relationship. Just because he doesn't abuse you doesn't mean this relationship is healthy. There are loads of men out there who won't abuse you who would treat you much better than this man seems to.


I am so worried about my daughter who has formed such a strong attachment to him and desperately wants him to be her dad - he is great with her and loves her.
It is your life. You cannot marry someone because your daughter wants you to. Ultimately you would be sacrificing your own happiness for hers and, whilst that may seem a very noble thing to do, you will all be unhappy in the end if he is not the man for you.

how do I deal with my daughter's upset (she is autistic and it will affect her badly) Is there an autistic society who can give you some support through this?....they must have come across this type of situation before.

and how do I postpone the wedding without making him walk - what reasons will I give to him?
Just tell the truth about the state of your relationship. Tell him about the things you aren't happy about and, if he truly loves you, a decent man would try to resolve the issues you have. If he walks then that would just show that he doesn't want to be with you.

I thought I had found my Mr Right but now I'm not so sure.
My Mom always said to me that if someone proposed to me "If in doubt say no".

There are a lot worse blokes out there and I'm also scared of being alone once more.
I'd be more scared of being with the wrong person than being alone. You sound like a very caring person who has a great love for their children and you deserve to be with someone who deserves your qualities. Don't settle for less than best.

I also know that when he's not about (working nights etc) I miss him so much.
We get used to certain things and sometimes it can be confusing as to why we miss someone or something. It doesn't always mean you love them.

There are quite a lot of serious bad points about this guy and very few good ones. The fact that you've listed all the negative first and then thought up some good ones is also an indicator too. I'm very happily married and can come up with loads of lovely things about my hubby and I'd have to think hard to find any bad ones ...and even then they'd be pretty innoccuous. The bad points about your man seem to tumble out of you.

Don't let your past experiences colour your view and make you think this guy is better than he is for you just because he doesn't abuse you. The guy certainly doesn't sound like he does anything for your self-esteem and doesn't have compassion and understanding for your son and his illness.

and as for someone who is keping their options open in case they want to have children with someone else? Words fail me.

Are you really that confused about this man?

Please ditch the guy - you deserve so much better.

 

[letmeout]

Sorry for yor woes. You have some hard thinking to do- and maybe some hard decisions to make too. You love this man-but is love enough?
You have to do what is right for you. Finding a daddy for your little girl won't make a good marriage- but maybe enough love will.
As the saying goes-we only get one go at life-this is not a dress rehearsal so you must do what is right for you. Value yourself- you are a remarkable strong woman who has successfully come through really hard times and been a good mother too! You can do whatever you want to do-you really can
Take care-xxx

 

[IWILLSUCCEED!]

Thank you for your honest and caring advice.
Today I emailed RELATE and asked for an urgent appointment for myself to go and talk over these issues with a counsellor.
When he came home from work I decided to bite the bullet and challenge him on everything, laying my position out clearly. I said things needed to change. That I wasn't happy with the lack of decent communication, with his controlling behaviour, judgementalism etc and finally asked him if he felt he needed to change.
Firstly, he said no he didn't. He said he wouldn't know how to and where to begin. He felt that he was ok the way he was but he understood what I was saying and agreed with it. I said that it didn't matter if he knew what to do - it was the acceptance that, as human beings, we are never quite there and always have to strive to improve ourselves.
I told him I wasn't prepared to get married this August and that, if this relationship were to continue, that he would need to look at himself and make changes - as I try to do myself.
I honestly feel like his mummy leading him by the hand towards adulthood and personal growth. I've had to learn the hard way through life, through disastrous, abusive relationships what I needed to change in order to become a better person. I'm not saying that I am perfect - I strive daily and struggle to see what it is that I need to do to make things better.
He did acknowledge that he does need to change in order to keep the relationship together but I still feel unhappy.
This is someone who will change if he is forced to, if he is led through it but I want it to be a change that he WANTS to make - regardless of whether we are together or not - because he knows it is the right thing to do.
I'm so sorry that I'm waffling now- it's late and sometimes I feel that I might be expecting too much from him. People have to come to these realizations themselves in the right time for them and perhaps I'm trying to force a change that he is not capable of - or simply doesn't feel ready for.
I will go and see someone and he has agreed to come also because he's aware that there is a problem(understatement!)
You know, I actually feel guilty for saying these things about him. He is who he is but, when we got together, he presented as someone who really wanted to grow as a human being and that's what I liked in him. I feel cheated in many ways.
I really don't know what's gonna happen with us but I do appreciate that you have taken the time to reply to my thread.
Thank you
Tx

 

[letmeout]

T, You've taken some great steps in the right direction. It sounds like yo two had a reasonable discussion which could easily have become a flaming row-so well done. Remeber -almost everyone is afraid of change-even when it's for the better- and take a while to get their head round it- so all is not lost yet.
Best of all you have contactd Relate. That is such a positive step and I wish you all the very best- wherever your journey takes you.
xx

 

[minilady]

Hi

What an awful situation for you. I haven't really any advise as such as I think a lot of the others had given you plenty already.

However there is a great book that helped me, It's called 'Women who love too much' by Robin Norwood.

Good luck with any decision you make.

Tracey
x

 

[to lose long trek]

You are a woman after my own heart ..... you thought it through, you voiced it to hear how it sounded. You then talked to him directly about it and you are following through to "Relate". If you stay together after all of this it will only be on YOUR TERMS/ you ARE in the driving seat and I feel confident you WILL make the right decision. As has been said so well by others .... you only have one life - dont let him/your children/significant others make the decision for you. Perhaps you just needed a sounding block to straighten out your own thoughts. Marriage should never be based on should I v shouldnt I - if you continue to have doubts you are giving yourself a clear message.

 

[Sweetpea]

Maybe it's just me and perhaps I'm just lazy but if I thought I had to work so hard at making a relationship work I just couldn't be bothered. To me love and marriage shouldn't be something you have to work really hard at. It needs to have more natural flow and there needs to be a basic compatibility and understanding for it to ever be the kind of relationship that works well.

Having said that some of the relationships in my family with parents and between siblings are very complex and I do try to sort out issues and not just give up on the relationship. It's sometimes so hard though and I recognise that I would probably just walk away from some of these people if they were not family.

Thing is a boyfriend isn't family and you can do just that ...you can walk away and find someone who you love, are compatible with and enjoy spending time with. Sometimes people stay in bad relationships because they are scared of starting again or think they don't deserve better. Sometimes to start again is exciting and rewarding and shows you that you do deserve better.

It's very important to be aware that love is wonderful but in itself is not enough to sustain a relationship.