366to266
Wanna lose 100lb
About 18 hrs ago I logged in and read the last few messages on this thread and burst into tears and was sobbing my heart out. So I could not see thru my tears to write a response.
Just now I felt in a better frame of mind so I returned to this thread, read the most recent few messages and burst into tears again.
I don't quite know why it has that effect on me. Maybe because I'm so accustomed to being judged harshly, berated and bitterly criticised that I am touched to the core by the heartfelt understanding and forgiveness I am reading.
I'm typing thru streaming tears even now.
Stupid thing is, if I listed what I did (foodwise) you would not even be shocked, because, as someone said, you've probably done worse.
I dunno, maybe it's the impossibly high standard I set myself. Then when I fall short even a little, I am disgusted with myself. Like you all keep pointing out, it doesn't help, actually. If you allow yourself to wallow in the horror and shame you don't get back on the wagon. The ONLY response is to put it behind you and just pick up where you left off, without shame or guilt.
For me, the very worst thing I can do is to stop logging what I eat. Without that strict calorie boundary in place, it all goes to pot. Without counting and logging, it's incredibly easy to eat 200 or even 400 calories extra without realising it.
I had an on-diet day yesterday and will go and log it all later. I will have a perfect day today.
Lessons learned
The trait of perfectionism is a useful one when dieting, so long as you stay on the diet. For a perfectionist there is almost an orgasmic satisfaction gained from seeing the bottom line of MFP food log that shows you on or under calorie target.
But the trait of perfectionism is a double edged sword because, when you fall short perfection, the tendency then is to throw up everything and just give up. The mentality is "if I cannot do this perfectly, then I won't bother doing it at all!" I can feel that mentality driving me in everything I do. It's probably a result of being raised by a father who never stopped telling me that nothing I did was ever "good enough" to earn his praise. When he died 10 years ago, I returned from his funeral, all alone, walked into my house, put my keys down on the countertop and said to myself, out loud, "You are free now, free of him forever. You can cast off everything he thought about you, forget, ignore, discount all his opinions of you." And I really believed it. It felt like his loud, sneering, critical voice had been removed from its 45-year place on my shoulder, right by my ear.
But, do you know what? Turns out his constant criticism infected the very "building blocks" of what made me become the person I am. Turns out he did it so often, so powerfully, and started from such an early age that I cannot now remove it. All I can do is try to laugh at myself and say "Take no notice, that is just your father talking, and he was wrong, wrong, WRONG! He was an uneducated, ignorant bully who should never have fathered anyone."
Another thing I have learned is that it does not always pay to let friends etc know that you are on a diet. I have email pen friends with whom I began to share my weight loss goals and successes, and indeed one of them challenged me to a weight loss competition to see who could lose 3 stone in 4 months. Of course, when I was losing weight every few days and emailing them to say so, they were thrilled and encouraging, but they also started to extrapolate what weight they expected me to lose in the future.
For example, when I lost 5lb in a week, I got a few replies saying, "Oooh, losing 5lb every week means you will weigh XXX by Christmas!" But of course WE on here know weight loss isn't linear. It's a zigzaggy road. But nondieters don't realise that. When I "failed" to lose consistently, stalled and even regained, I had to email them explaining about weight loss being bumpy, but even as I typed I felt that the recipient would think I had been bingeing and then lying about it by making excuses. This started to make me feel bad about the whole thing. I hated having to "justify" my stall or gain to them. I could feel their disappointment.
I am inclined to think now that it's best to share weight loss efforts ONLY on this forum (or other such forums.)
Just now I felt in a better frame of mind so I returned to this thread, read the most recent few messages and burst into tears again.
I don't quite know why it has that effect on me. Maybe because I'm so accustomed to being judged harshly, berated and bitterly criticised that I am touched to the core by the heartfelt understanding and forgiveness I am reading.
I'm typing thru streaming tears even now.
Stupid thing is, if I listed what I did (foodwise) you would not even be shocked, because, as someone said, you've probably done worse.
I dunno, maybe it's the impossibly high standard I set myself. Then when I fall short even a little, I am disgusted with myself. Like you all keep pointing out, it doesn't help, actually. If you allow yourself to wallow in the horror and shame you don't get back on the wagon. The ONLY response is to put it behind you and just pick up where you left off, without shame or guilt.
For me, the very worst thing I can do is to stop logging what I eat. Without that strict calorie boundary in place, it all goes to pot. Without counting and logging, it's incredibly easy to eat 200 or even 400 calories extra without realising it.
I had an on-diet day yesterday and will go and log it all later. I will have a perfect day today.
Lessons learned
The trait of perfectionism is a useful one when dieting, so long as you stay on the diet. For a perfectionist there is almost an orgasmic satisfaction gained from seeing the bottom line of MFP food log that shows you on or under calorie target.
But the trait of perfectionism is a double edged sword because, when you fall short perfection, the tendency then is to throw up everything and just give up. The mentality is "if I cannot do this perfectly, then I won't bother doing it at all!" I can feel that mentality driving me in everything I do. It's probably a result of being raised by a father who never stopped telling me that nothing I did was ever "good enough" to earn his praise. When he died 10 years ago, I returned from his funeral, all alone, walked into my house, put my keys down on the countertop and said to myself, out loud, "You are free now, free of him forever. You can cast off everything he thought about you, forget, ignore, discount all his opinions of you." And I really believed it. It felt like his loud, sneering, critical voice had been removed from its 45-year place on my shoulder, right by my ear.
But, do you know what? Turns out his constant criticism infected the very "building blocks" of what made me become the person I am. Turns out he did it so often, so powerfully, and started from such an early age that I cannot now remove it. All I can do is try to laugh at myself and say "Take no notice, that is just your father talking, and he was wrong, wrong, WRONG! He was an uneducated, ignorant bully who should never have fathered anyone."
Another thing I have learned is that it does not always pay to let friends etc know that you are on a diet. I have email pen friends with whom I began to share my weight loss goals and successes, and indeed one of them challenged me to a weight loss competition to see who could lose 3 stone in 4 months. Of course, when I was losing weight every few days and emailing them to say so, they were thrilled and encouraging, but they also started to extrapolate what weight they expected me to lose in the future.
For example, when I lost 5lb in a week, I got a few replies saying, "Oooh, losing 5lb every week means you will weigh XXX by Christmas!" But of course WE on here know weight loss isn't linear. It's a zigzaggy road. But nondieters don't realise that. When I "failed" to lose consistently, stalled and even regained, I had to email them explaining about weight loss being bumpy, but even as I typed I felt that the recipient would think I had been bingeing and then lying about it by making excuses. This started to make me feel bad about the whole thing. I hated having to "justify" my stall or gain to them. I could feel their disappointment.
I am inclined to think now that it's best to share weight loss efforts ONLY on this forum (or other such forums.)
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