27th June 2009...temptation...
This could be a little long, but I need to vent my feelings a bit...
I knew it would happen at some point, just not when, but today, temptation sneaked back into my life.
Thankfully I can say with a big "phew" I avoided it, but that damn little birdy on my shoulder had returned from somewhere. Fiance' has left his Hero chocolates in the kitchen while he's popped out, and before I went to get Alex up from a sleep, I went in to fill up my water bottle of all things, and looked at them, and that little birdy started screaming at me "just one won't make any difference" I know I resisted, but it's that little birdy that has done a big part in making me fat in the first place, and I just never wanted it to raise it's ugly head again, and feel a bit strange about it. I'm scared now, am I as strong as I thought? Why is it back now? Is it because of the financial implications, and the fact I've been looking at going up another plan? Is it because I know although I weigh myself on my scales, I have no official weigh in on Monday I think I can relax? Is it because I've weiged on my scales today and they haven't moved at all and I know this has an affect on me, or is it just a test? Whatever it is, I don't like it, I want to be back in the no temptation, all happy zone!
Aside from this, today has been an 'ok' day.
I keep thinking about the plans, about the money, about getting to goal, and I have to admit I'm scared. I haven't been up to now, even on 1000 I don't feel scared, I feel ok, I feel like it's enough to lose, but going up to 1200, or to 1500 seems so much, such a huge change, one that I don't know if I'm ready for, yet one that I feel like I'm forced into because I know the way that things stand I have to reduce the money I spend on CD every week to put us in a good financial situation. I am terrified of putting on weight, but I am also terrified of being stuck at this weight too, I sooo want to get to goal, and I would be happy with between 1-2lbs a week, but I know that with my metabolism at a low (as it no doubt is at the moment) going up to 1200 and then 1500 it is likely to either stall, or gain for a week and then slow down even more so, maybe only losing a possible 1/2lb a week, when I still have quite a chunk to go (26lbs at least). I don't want to end my CD journey, as I know I have learnt so so much, but I also feel that my CDC is unlikely to agree for me to do 1 CD a day and between 1000 - 1200 cals a day (which I understand because of the nutrients etc) but I am just so not ready for 1500 and this I really do know. I am not ready to have any kind of sweet things yet like are mentioned in the book (have studied it all in detail for the last 3 days now) so I feel stuck, and right now, for the first time on CD, alone and in a rut.
Anyway enough of my rambling, I know it won't help the situation overall, and much more thinking will need to be done.
Claire xx