Hey Mrs CC, just checking in to say hi. I've read through your diary and I really feel for you. I have had issues with my weight since I was a child and a really warped relationship with food and view of myself to go along with it. I have often "reasoned" my way out of things thinking that my weight was stopping me from socialising or being happy altogether. But I realised a long time ago that I was blaming my weight for something I had to do and sort out myself. And I'm not talking about weight loss. I am talking of taking charge of things and enjoying your life in spite of your weight.
Of course we are all here because we want to lose and I have a lot (A LOT) to lose and yes, it does get me down at times and do I wish I was thinner? Erm YEAH. But there are countless people out there who are unhappy with their appearance although they are a normal weight. Perception is the key really and you can change that view of yourself no matter what your weight is.
In fact, I would even go as far as to say, you need to learn now to become the person you want to be post weight loss. Because the person I am now has led me to the weight I am. So how am I ever going to change this for the better and permanently so if I don't make conscious adjustments to myself. Does this sound harsh? I hope not, if it does, I'm sorry. I have had therapy for many years and read a lot of books on psychology and habit and patterns etc and there are so many hidden depths in people.
My therapist was often quite confrontational with me and I realised in hindsight that it was good. I often used my weight as an excuse almost to beat myself up, to be offended at things that people said (not about my weight, but I would always think it was the underlying reason for their critique/queries etc). Or I would be invited to things and automatically think why would they want me there, I'm so fat and ugly. Not only was I insulting myself, reducing myself to those two rather offensive terms, but also insulting my friends, insinuating that they didn't really like me for who I was.
And although the path is steep and rocky, I am now on the road of realisation that I need to like myself before I can expect others to like me. And that's not a self-indulgent view of yourself but a realistic one. The same way that I love my friends and family despite their flaws. I would never dream of rejecting a person for their appearance and I have friends of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds and love them all dearly. And yet I struggle to accept myself. How bizarre is that!
So if you think of the people you love most in your life and picture them standing together as a group, make sure you add yourself to that picture too. Because you belong there with them.
