And I start again! for the zillionth time

[Maverick]

^^^^^ Excellent post

 

[weanio]

Oh :-( {{HUGS}} We've all been here. We're all prolly going to be here again. We use food as a quick fix. Lots of other things that make you feel good are frowned on, or they take time and faff, but you're allowed to eat, right? And it's easy and fast. SOOOO handy when you have kids and a job and a house to take care of.

What was it that made you eat the biccies? Was it something that happened, or the way you felt? It's a pattern. And I think that the more we beat ourselves up for a binge, the more likely we are to binge again soon. You've got to break the pattern somehow. Breaking it by not eating cr@p is beyond you right now, but you can break the pattern by not beating yourself up when you do.

I read somewhere that when we overeat, we are just taking care of ourselves in the only way we know how, or feel safe doing. You can eat a biscuit. Or a packet of biscuits in my case. There. Done. Feel better. At least for the number of seconds it takes you to inhale them. Or you can say s*d it to the laundry and the dust bunnies and take the morning off to get your hair cut, do some shopping, watch a soppy film. Well. You obviously can't take all that time for yourself when there's so much to be done. Better have the biscuit. Or biscuits. You won't be thinking about it that clearly, but that'll be at the heart of it, somewhere.

We eat to change the way we feel. Even when we're aware that we're eating to change the way we feel, it's hard to stop doing it. Be kind to yourself when you slip up like this. Be aware that you are eating the rubbish food, and ask yourself why you are doing it. Not to make yourself feel guilty, but to understand yourself better. Show yourself the same compassion as you would show someone else. You are allowed to. You matter just as much as everyone else. More, because you have to take care of them all, and to do that properly, you have to take care of you first. you wouldn't tell your kids you were sick of them being fatties, would you? You deserve to be as nice to yourself as you are to them.

Go and buy an outfit that doesn't resemble a bin bag. That fits you now. Take care of yourself now the way you tell yourself you will when you lose weight. Don't wait. Do it now. And I'll bet you'll find yourself reaching for the choccie biccies less often.

Draw a line under it. Understand it. Forgive it.
Drink a glass of water. Brush your teeth. Start again. Learn from it. It's a long journey because we've got a lot of learning to do.

what a truly inspiring post pootler.
Ty so much for taking the time to write it.
I've found the reason why!
The time i fell off the 'waggon' is when I started to admit my depression was back
What did I do before I got better before.. eat everything in sight, so it was falling back into that safety blanket routine.

Why its come back, I don't know. But it has, and I finally admitted this to myself yesterday - with a reality check convo with the fella, he'd explained how bad i'd been recently.
How evil i've been, how I've just been hiding away again, how he has seen for a while i've been slipping but when he's tried to make me aware of it, i've brushed it off.
Sooooooo after him ringing the dr's for me this morning, i'm booked in tomorrow evening for an appt. See where we can go.
I thought I was better so when my councelling and cbt came through I declined them.
Feel like a right tool having to go back to the doc's. But if its back its back - its not me.. its a chemical imbalance. I just need to fight it again, and not let it consume me for too long like I did last time.. was 8yrs last time before I realised I was depressed.
At least this time I have a good man who can see it, and a good man that makes me realise that I'm poorly. Not a psycho loony.
Oh and my half divorce (nisi) is granted tomorrow! so feel crap for being depressed when I should be elated. Its not linked! i want nothing more than to be rid of that looser.

Well now I've faced my fear, the one of admittance to myself. I can move onwards!
Granted yes today was a bad day, choc cakes reduced in co-op when i was buying krisp rolls and wholemeal pitta.
So sod it! New me starts tomorrow I hope.
Get my 'happy pills' again and start to pull myself out of this pit of doom.
That'll nicely co-incide with weight loss!

TBH i feel a smidgen better admitting it to myself, him and my bessie (and now on the web.. lol) even told my eldest that mummys head is poorly again, explained about the scales not weighing right. But we'll get something to sort it out and Mummy will get better, just caus its not something u can see, doesnt mean that I'm not ill. She's v bright and understands a little.

Well thats me over and out for today.
Hopefully update tomorrow when I've been docs x

 

[weanio]

Well thats me back on fluoxotine...
Felt horrid yesterday, cried in the Dr's...
Didn't like admitting it I think. She said do you want to go back on tablets... well tbf not really, i didnt want the depression back! But it is, she made it clear as day that its not me.. that I HAVE to stop blaming myself for this, its not my fault.
Got back, was moody, and horrid, told the truth how I was feeing to him tho. Also ate 3 penguins (only choc we had in the house) Had smash pizza for tea, didnt enjoy it. Usually do.

I'm not going to give up totally. But maybe just loosly follow for a few weeks till the tabs kick in.
Then at least I'm still in the SW mentality. But not going to beat myself up if i have a bad day food wise.
I'm so glad I'm not a drinker! Or i'd be on the vino now! (was last time the depression came back, all booze no food.. did loose 2st tho!)

I'm having a crumpet now. Feels norty, ah well!
As long as I fight the 'd' word, thats what matters atm. Fight everything else as and when it comes.

x