Total Solution Angel72's Big Bulge Battle

[boofaloo]

Hope you're ok xx

 

[Angel72]

Wow has it really been so long since I posted. Sorry about that and thanks for all your lovely wishes. I got straight back on after the fish supper with no problem. I did my first hydro session and it went very well. They had to confess they didn't expect me to be so agile and strong even though my legs don't work. We are going to continue sessions for core strength and pain control. My legs are a lost cause I'm afraid but I've accepted that.

After all the crap I've been through this year I've still managed to continue on the diet. My sister came to pick baby clothes up the other day. Last time she was here she said some awful things about me feeling sorry for myself and being negative and some other stuff which upset me and was untrue. I still stuck to the diet with no problem.

So why have I been absent? Well this is what happened...

This time my sister came it was all polite conversation. It was all fine until just before she left she said I'd lost weight and was looking really pretty. What a lovely thing to say? I thanked her and said goodbye but It made my blood run cold and as soon as she left I went into panic overdrive, I just couldn't control it. My husbands been working 12 hour days so I've been able to hide it but I've just ended a 48 hour crazy eating binge. Something I haven't done for years. I just felt so unsafe and scared and just felt I had to eat until I put weight on and stopped looking pretty. Irrational huh. I couldn't abide being thought of as pretty or worse, attractive. I cleared cupboards, ate all the cereal, emptied the fridge, an entire loaf of bread and even calculatedly went shopping with my son yesterday and bought cream cakes, biscuits, chocolate, crisps and more and ate the lot, even stuff I don't like. After a rough night of tummy ache and heartburn I woke up this morning feeling more in control. My husband was home and Friends came for coffee this morning and I think it rebalanced me. I seem to have regained a sense of proportion.

I'm ready to be back on plan. Maybe this is why the 18's are hard to crack. It's when people start to notice. I had a very unpleasant experience when I was a teenager, the last time I was anywhere near a normal weight. It frightens me to be noticed or be thought of as attractive. I didn't realise until now this might have been my problem all along. I think I need to face up to a few things and recognise what's just happened as when it did I just had no control just one single minded calculated thought, to gain weight as quickly as possible to feel safe again.

So here we go. I'm not going to WI tomorrow I'm just going to continue on plan and try not to freak out. Sorry for the epic but I might not be on my own with this kind of behaviour and if it helps someone feel less alone then it's good. Also, I think I needed to tell someone as I've never said anything before when this has happened, it's always been in secret. If I don't stop hiding I will never understand how to control it.

It's hard to admit to such an epic diet failure but it's all part of the journey. I've learnt from the successes on this forum that the secret is to continue on. I just hope I have the strength.

I really hope everyone's ok xxx

 

[Mere]

Wow an epic indeed but maybe just writing it down has been cartathic and you can now move on. I think you are right not to WI after your mega eating binge but another week on plan and you should have dropped again.
When I was 15 I was attacked and the victim of an attempted rape it blighted my life for years and made me frigid until I met my wonderful husband.
My mum and dad were away on holiday at the time of the attack and I was staying with my grandparents who were old and not really on the ball. I mended my ripped clothes and apart from telling my best friend about it it has remained a secret. My mum is really my step mum because my own mother died when I was 7, so I have never been able to talk to my mum.
I tried to make myself as unattractive as possible but my way of doing it was to dress in old fashioned frumpy clothes. I do understand how being called pretty could make you over eat but now you have to accept that it is ok to be pretty.
The positive for you is that your sister noticed the weight loss. Good luck continuing your journey and always remember there is loads of support for you on here.
Mere xxx

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[curveappeal]

Wow has it really been so long since I posted. Sorry about that and thanks for all your lovely wishes. I got straight back on after the fish supper with no problem. I did my first hydro session and it went very well. They had to confess they didn't expect me to be so agile and strong even though my legs don't work. We are going to continue sessions for core strength and pain control. My legs are a lost cause I'm afraid but I've accepted that.

After all the crap I've been through this year I've still managed to continue on the diet. My sister came to pick baby clothes up the other day. Last time she was here she said some awful things about me feeling sorry for myself and being negative and some other stuff which upset me and was untrue. I still stuck to the diet with no problem.

So why have I been absent? Well this is what happened...

This time my sister came it was all polite conversation. It was all fine until just before she left she said I'd lost weight and was looking really pretty. What a lovely thing to say? I thanked her and said goodbye but It made my blood run cold and as soon as she left I went into panic overdrive, I just couldn't control it. My husbands been working 12 hour days so I've been able to hide it but I've just ended a 48 hour crazy eating binge. Something I haven't done for years. I just felt so unsafe and scared and just felt I had to eat until I put weight on and stopped looking pretty. Irrational huh. I couldn't abide being thought of as pretty or worse, attractive. I cleared cupboards, ate all the cereal, emptied the fridge, an entire loaf of bread and even calculatedly went shopping with my son yesterday and bought cream cakes, biscuits, chocolate, crisps and more and ate the lot, even stuff I don't like. After a rough night of tummy ache and heartburn I woke up this morning feeling more in control. My husband was home and Friends came for coffee this morning and I think it rebalanced me. I seem to have regained a sense of proportion.

I'm ready to be back on plan. Maybe this is why the 18's are hard to crack. It's when people start to notice. I had a very unpleasant experience when I was a teenager, the last time I was anywhere near a normal weight. It frightens me to be noticed or be thought of as attractive. I didn't realise until now this might have been my problem all along. I think I need to face up to a few things and recognise what's just happened as when it did I just had no control just one single minded calculated thought, to gain weight as quickly as possible to feel safe again.

So here we go. I'm not going to WI tomorrow I'm just going to continue on plan and try not to freak out. Sorry for the epic but I might not be on my own with this kind of behaviour and if it helps someone feel less alone then it's good. Also, I think I needed to tell someone as I've never said anything before when this has happened, it's always been in secret. If I don't stop hiding I will never understand how to control it.

It's hard to admit to such an epic diet failure but it's all part of the journey. I've learnt from the successes on this forum that the secret is to continue on. I just hope I have the strength.

I really hope everyone's ok xxx

You are certainly not alone... I've heard that more than once...

"if I'm not pretty I'd be left alone" I'm sorry that you've kept things to yourself... A binge like that is very common.... I hope you are ok
.... Well done for getting back on your diet xxxx you are a star xxxxx

 

[Angel72]

Wow an epic indeed but maybe just writing it down has been cartathic and you can now move on. I think you are right not to WI after your mega eating binge but another week on plan and you should have dropped again.
When I was 15 I was attacked and the victim of an attempted rape it blighted my life for years and made me frigid until I met my wonderful husband.
My mum and dad were away on holiday at the time of the attack and I was staying with my grandparents who were old and not really on the ball. I mended my ripped clothes and apart from telling my best friend about it it has remained a secret. My mum is really my step mum because my own mother died when I was 7, so I have never been able to talk to my mum.
I tried to make myself as unattractive as possible but my way of doing it was to dress in old fashioned frumpy clothes. I do understand how being called pretty could make you over eat but now you have to accept that it is ok to be pretty.
The positive for you is that your sister noticed the weight loss. Good luck continuing your journey and always remember there is loads of support for you on here.
Mere xxx

Sent from my iPad using MiniMins

Oh Mere, I'm sorry it happened to you and thank you for saying it. I tried to talk to a member of my family at the time but I was told it was basically my own fault. My husband knows but no one else and it's not been mentioned (thankfully) since I told him when we first got together and I had to tell him. I just need to sort my head out and stop letting this haunt me. Thanks for being there.

 

[curveappeal]

Oh Mere, I'm sorry it happened to you and thank you for saying it. I tried to talk to a member of my family at the time but I was told it was basically my own fault. My husband knows but no one else and it's not been mentioned (thankfully) since I told him when we first got together and I had to tell him. I just need to sort my head out and stop letting this haunt me. Thanks for being there.

I was lucky I was fully believed and supported. It pains me to hear that not everyone has that support.

This experience will haunt you unless you forgive yourself. It is NEVER the victims fault, no matter what anyone says... NEVER..

It helps to talk about it... I'm so proud of you for putting it on paper... You are so brave xx

 

[Mere]

I was lucky I was fully believed and supported. It pains me to hear that not everyone has that support. This experience will haunt you unless you forgive yourself. It is NEVER the victims fault, no matter what anyone says... NEVER.. It helps to talk about it... I'm so proud of you for putting it on paper... You are so brave xx

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[Angel72]

Ok, so back on plan. Monster headache and I don't think I've drunk enough but it's a start. I feel significantly heavier so I weighed myself and I was 19st10. A lot of fluid I know but to gain 11lbs in a few days wow. Just shows how quickly it goes on again! It doesn't help when hubby bought me a large bar of chocolate today.

So, it's time to crack the 18's. Onwards and downwards.

 

[curveappeal]

Ok, so back on plan. Monster headache and I don't think I've drunk enough but it's a start. I feel significantly heavier so I weighed myself and I was 19st10. A lot of fluid I know but to gain 11lbs in a few days wow. Just shows how quickly it goes on again! It doesn't help when hubby bought me a large bar of chocolate today.

So, it's time to crack the 18's. Onwards and downwards.

Best of luck angel... You've just carboloaded... That will be gone in a few days xxx chin up my dear xx

 

[jael001]

oh hon, I do so get it, I do the same thing. I self-sabotage as soon as I start feeling and looking better about myself. It's why I've only ever managed to get goal weight once as an adult, and why I've never managed to keep my weight off for very long. As soon as I start getting any attention fro men I get scared and start eating again so that I'll no longer be attractive. It's the only time I feel "safe". I was date raped when I was 16 and it has pretty much screwed me up ever since. It affected my relationship with my husband and he's the only man I've ever been with because of it. It's easier to be fat and invisible to men than it is to allow myself to be vulnerable and hurt again.

 

[Angel72]

Oh Jael I'm So sorry to hear you've been through that. I'm amazed so many of us have. I hate to think of anyone feeling the same but it has made me feel less alone and given me the strength to finally see this through. You are all very strong ladies and if you can cope then so can I.

Shake and choc bar so far. A box full of new meals and bars and a drawer full of shakes. My little boy is poorly with an awful cough and cold. I've been up most of the night with him. He's just gone for a sleep but he's started coughing again. Cravings not too bad and headache has gone so all I need to do is get through until Saturday and I'm set again. I'm going to try not to have anymore days off for a while. I thought I had it under control but I think that made my resolve lower.

Im more determined than ever to get below 18 now. In fact, below 250lb would be great. Have a great day everyone. X

 

[Mere]

Good luck Angel, hope Bubs feels better soon. x

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[boofaloo]

Im so glad you can write your thoughts on here and that you are keeping going. I agree with you the real success is having slip ups but picking yourself up and keeping on going. Have you ever thought about counselling?? I know it's not for everyone and I was one of those people but I went and saw a counsellor to help with a past problem. Its not the same as you ladies but I know it helped me.
Regardless you are a very brave lady who has amazing strength. Keep going and enjoy your restart...im right there with you after a few carb days myself We can do this xxx

 

[ExanteLesley]

Hi Angel, its good to have you back posting I can't say I even begin to understand how you feel, but I feel for you. I hope talking about it on here, and seeing others have gone through similar things will help. At least you have realised the trigger, that's the first step

Anyway - good luck with getting back on track

xx

 

[Queen Bizzle]

I cannot begin to understand how hard that must be for you guys, but I know how many aspects of your life events like this can effect from supporting my friend through a similar experience. this forum is such a useful tool for talking and support. Xxx

 

[Mere]

You are right QB I think a forum like this works because we all have the same aim and also because it is anonymous, even with pictures. I love the support I get on here and at least you do not see anyone's eyes glazing over as you witter on about the latest diet! x

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[Susie58]

Getting that all out in the open means that you can now face the trauma head on and deal with it. Having a few people on here with similar circumstances is a big help I'm sure and I am so impressed with the bravery it must have taken to write about it all. Next step is conquering it and not letting the perpetrators control your life.
You're doing great overall so be proud x

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