ProPoints Azwethinkweiz (Sarah)s new food diary!

[Wishbird007]

Hi hunni
How ru today? X

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Hi hunni
How ru today? X

Hey chick. I'm in bed, that's how I am lol. Xx

Pretty angry with my mum. She's going on about a friend of hers who's son seems to be depressed and how sorry she feels for him and heavily hinting that his is worse than mine etc. Feeling a bit let down. She's there blaming his mum that she isn't there for him to talk to enough. But whenever I've tried talking to her she changes the subject entirely (to talk about herself of course). I told her I don't tell her the bad things I'm thinking & maybe he wouldn't tell his mum either anyway. She said "sure what are people supposed to say if a depressed person says what they're thinking" and I said "that's exactly why I don't bother telling you."
It irritated the hell out of me her sitting there complaining of the stigma & that there isn't enough help for him etc. None of this she said to me, she expects me to get over it & go to work & not to bother her with talking about it.
I'm so mad & she doesn't even know I'm mad.

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[Dubchick81]

Hey chick. I'm in bed, that's how I am lol. Xx

Pretty angry with my mum. She's going on about a friend of hers who's son seems to be depressed and how sorry she feels for him and heavily hinting that his is worse than mine etc. Feeling a bit let down. She's there blaming his mum that she isn't there for him to talk to enough. But whenever I've tried talking to her she changes the subject entirely (to talk about herself of course). I told her I don't tell her the bad things I'm thinking & maybe he wouldn't tell his mum either anyway. She said "sure what are people supposed to say if a depressed person says what they're thinking" and I said "that's exactly why I don't bother telling you."
It irritated the hell out of me her sitting there complaining of the stigma & that there isn't enough help for him etc. None of this she said to me, she expects me to get over it & go to work & not to bother her with talking about it.
I'm so mad & she doesn't even know I'm mad.

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I think she feels too hurt to think of your depression chic.. I don't think she means to be selfish about it.. I think its just her way... When she would have been growing up things were different.. Things like depression and emotion in general weren't talked about.. It was a case of 'if its not spoke about, its not a problem' I think that's half the reason people are so angry in this country.. So much bad happened but it wasn't allowed be spoken about..
I think you need to tell her how betrayed and angry you feel.. I think, as obvious as it may seem, it needs to pointed out to her for her to realise...
I think, for a change, you need to think of you and your feelings, and not worry about upsetting her.. Coz at the end of the day, she's upsetting you... And may not be aware as you've not told her..

 

[lydia150970]

Hey chick. I'm in bed, that's how I am lol. Xx

Pretty angry with my mum. She's going on about a friend of hers who's son seems to be depressed and how sorry she feels for him and heavily hinting that his is worse than mine etc. Feeling a bit let down. She's there blaming his mum that she isn't there for him to talk to enough. But whenever I've tried talking to her she changes the subject entirely (to talk about herself of course). I told her I don't tell her the bad things I'm thinking & maybe he wouldn't tell his mum either anyway. She said "sure what are people supposed to say if a depressed person says what they're thinking" and I said "that's exactly why I don't bother telling you."
It irritated the hell out of me her sitting there complaining of the stigma & that there isn't enough help for him etc. None of this she said to me, she expects me to get over it & go to work & not to bother her with talking about it.
I'm so mad & she doesn't even know I'm mad.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

I hope you don't mind me butting in here
but I think you need to tell your mum, tell her straight that you're depression is just as bad as anyone elses and that maybe it would be helpful to your recovery if she could be a bit more understanding and no matter how hard she finds it talk to you about this, talk to you about how YOU feel, how your depression affects your life, rather than castigating this other mother for acting the same way she does??? Sometimes people have no idea how they act or how their actions affect others until its brought to their attention, I think thats something we all can be guilty off. So many people get away with certain behaviours because no one will pull them up on it, yet when they are their behaviour may change?

Hope you have a good day x

 

[azwethinkweiz]

I just would feel so bad to say it. I'd feel really guilty to have to say to her that she's not helping and that she's belittling how I feel. I don't even know how to say it because as far as she's concerned she's doing what she thinks is right and I'm just being a selfish moody person. Perhaps I am? Maybe I shouldn't need her. Maybe I shouldn't be angry about this at all. I can't really tell what I should be feeling cuz it's just a big whirl of emotions at the moment.
I don't think she takes me seriously though. Not at all... And that makes me think of dying a lot. Because I think no one is going to take me seriously and that in the end I'm going to have to go back to the way I was... pretending to be "fine" all the time. And I can't do that.
I wish my sister was here, she's the only one I have right now who actually cares.

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[lydia150970]

I just would feel so bad to say it. I'd feel really guilty to have to say to her that she's not helping and that she's belittling how I feel. I don't even know how to say it because as far as she's concerned she's doing what she thinks is right and I'm just being a selfish moody person. Perhaps I am? Maybe I shouldn't need her. Maybe I shouldn't be angry about this at all. I can't really tell what I should be feeling cuz it's just a big whirl of emotions at the moment.
I don't think she takes me seriously though. Not at all... And that makes me think of dying a lot. Because I think no one is going to take me seriously and that in the end I'm going to have to go back to the way I was... pretending to be "fine" all the time. And I can't do that.
I wish my sister was here, she's the only one I have right now who actually cares.

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I don't think you are being moody at all and you have every right being angry with her reaction. I am 41 and I still need my mum at times. Whilst I don't have personal experience of depression both my parents have suffered (although my dads is alcohol induced), and a couple of my friends have suffered also so I know how important it is that their feelings are taken seriously and not belittled. The problem is that this won't go away or get better for you unless you confront how you feel. You could start off by saying that you need to say something to your mum, that it would be best if you weren't interupted then you can discuss together how best to move foward. Depression is an illness its not something you can snap out of without help and support. Medication and counselling do work but equally a strong and committed support network around you will help you no end at all and by the sounds of it thats something that is missing.
xx

 

[lydia150970]

Or perhaps could your sister talk to your mother for you, or better still could you mum come to a counselling session?

 

[azwethinkweiz]

It's just that she puts on this "we're here for each other" act and says we're a close family and that we can talk to her about _anything_. But it really doesn't seem that way at all. Anytime I've tried I've been shouted down. If I say something she considers strange she basically tells me to shut up or says "What is wrong with you? Just sit down there."
She brings it all back to when she had post natal depression & keeps saying how it was awful for her and how I have "no idea" and how much harder it was because she had a baby and house to run etc. Maybe she means that I should feel good because I don't have a baby? But really I feel worse because the guilt (of being the way I am and not being able to change how I feel) sets in. The guilt and the shame is unbearable sometimes. Having this "it can't be that bad" attitude stuck in your ear all the time... It's not helping.
My sister is good but she lives in Dublin, I don't even tell her how I'm feeling. I just feel like if I did want to tell her, she would listen. I won't tell her as her wedding is coming up & I don't want to be a burden.

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[Dubchick81]

I just would feel so bad to say it. I'd feel really guilty to have to say to her that she's not helping and that she's belittling how I feel. I don't even know how to say it because as far as she's concerned she's doing what she thinks is right and I'm just being a selfish moody person. Perhaps I am? Maybe I shouldn't need her. Maybe I shouldn't be angry about this at all. I can't really tell what I should be feeling cuz it's just a big whirl of emotions at the moment.
I don't think she takes me seriously though. Not at all... And that makes me think of dying a lot. Because I think no one is going to take me seriously and that in the end I'm going to have to go back to the way I was... pretending to be "fine" all the time. And I can't do that.
I wish my sister was here, she's the only one I have right now who actually cares.

Sent from my Galaxy S using MiniMins

I'm with Lydia hun.. She needs to be told.. And listen.. i'm 30.. I need my Mam!!!! Doesn't matter how old you are.. you need your Mam!!!
I don't think you're being moody or selfish in the slightest.. I think she's just taken the old fashioned typical Irish attitude.. If you feel telling her to her face how you feel, or if you feel you will hold back on how you feel to spare her feelings, why not write her a note/letter?? (I used to have to do that with my Mam coz if something gets to me too much or is hard to say.. I cry.. And no-one can understand a word I say and I babble and end up only getting half off my chest coz I've gotten myself into too much of a state.. ) Then you can get it all off your chest... She can have time to digest it and then bring it up and chat about it.. Or arrange for her to come in with you to your counsillor and ask her to help you tell your Mam your feeling and use her as a mediator type.. (or if you feel your sister/aunt/family friend could sit as a mediator that could be an idea..
Either way I really think in order for you to progress forward you need to start speaking your mind to people. Don't just sail thru life thinking "oh no, they'v more to worry about than me.. Or they've enough going on for me to bother them" That attitude is getting you nowhere.. Only more n more ill...

You know you have all of us here to listen.. But we're not in your day to day life.. You need to speak up and let people know that you do have issues and you're not fine and you do want and need their help..

(Actually just realised as I typed that... that's exactly how I go thru life... especially when I lost my Mam.. My brothers had their kids to look after and make sure they were coping OK... My friend was hurt enough about my Mam without having to worry about me.. My other friend was planning her wedding.. enough stress without me adding to it... Sh1t!! Feel 'odd' now.. Like a lights just gone on in my head... weird)

 

[Dubchick81]

I won't tell her as her wedding is coming up & I don't want to be a burden.

Read the greyed out part of my message then.. Exactly how I felt.. But I promise you.. If I had told my friend I felt that way she'd be mortified that I thought my feelings were less important than her wedding plans...
Seriously... I KNOW she would hate to think that you felt a burden or she has enough to deal with... But it is good that you feel if you needed her to, she'd listen.. Maybe get her to chat to your mam.. But I do think you need to be 100% open and honest about how your feeling... People are guessing now.. Which would explain why your Mam doesn't feel you're as bad as her friends son.. You won't tell them and they aren't mind readers... You need to speak up chic.. xx

 

[azwethinkweiz]

That's the problem. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want them to have to deal with me being this way. I'm pretty much a nuisance just being off work and being at home. I sit in my room because they don't want me around them. No one wants to have to deal with someone who's unhappy. She's just constantly talking dresses and shoes and handbags & wedding, wedding wedding and her weight blah blah and there's no way for me to get a word in. She shouts at me if I get in a state so I've learned to hide away if I'm upset. They have "enough to be dealing with" apparently.

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[Dubchick81]

That's the problem. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want them to have to deal with me being this way. I'm pretty much a nuisance just being off work and being at home. I sit in my room because they don't want me around them. No one wants to have to deal with someone who's unhappy. She's just constantly talking dresses and shoes and handbags & wedding, wedding wedding and her weight blah blah and there's no way for me to get a word in. She shouts at me if I get in a state so I've learned to hide away if I'm upset. They have "enough to be dealing with" apparently.

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I dont think that's the case chic... Honestly... I think we all feel "ah she doesn't want to deal with my crap" or "she has enough on her plate"... But 9 times out of 10 if our family members/friends knew what we were suffering/thinking/going thru and thought we felt we had to deal with things on our own, they'd be devastated..
You're right... No likes to see people unhappy.. So they'll usually do what they can to change it...
I do think being back at work and having to concentrate on something will be good for you tho.. Other than S being there... But that may be because that's how I would cope with my problems.. Keeping occupied n not having time to think about them... For at least a few hours of the day...
Coz if you're anything like me you'll analyze and over analyze every given situation until you have yourself driven crazy with it....

 

[azwethinkweiz]

I agree going back to work will be good. But everyone thinks that's the symbol of "okay-ness". That I'm fine if I'm able to work. I feel like I have to go back to the way I was. Back to work and unhappiness while pretending to be fine for everyone elses sake.
If I told my mum I wanted to die or felt like killing myself she'd tell me to stop being ridiculous... That it's not that bad. That I'm being dramatic. Sometimes I just want to disappear. Or like I wish there was an off switch? Does that make sense? Anytime I've said anything like this she looks at me like I've 10 heads. She has problems of her own and I'm just a nuisance now.
My sister is the only one who hasn't pushed me away. Who I can tell that I'm having a hard time and she won't be angry with me about it. She has enough worries without me adding to it though.
I just wanna be normal now. I wanna be fixed & normal.

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[icklerockchick]

Sorry to hear your mum isn't supportive I think a lot of people don't really know how to deal with people with depression even though it's becoming more common.

I have recently had some pretty dark times as I got injured and off work for 5 months so far. I find now that I schedule things into my day it really helps as before there were days where I just didn't want to leave bed at all. I do a daily walk and some exercise the endorphins help lift my mood a little. It was so difficult to start with as I just wanted to stay in bed and wallow but it's really helping me personally. I found that lack of routine that I was used to made my symptoms much worse so had to force myself into a bit of a routine while I'm off work.

Anyway not sure if it helps you but just sharing. Oh and also I found nights were particularly bad as I was spending so long in bed during the day that I couldn't sleep at night and it's a long lonely time with too much time for thinking. Still have bad days/nights but making myself get up earlier has helped sort it out a lot. X

 

[Dubchick81]

Sarah hunnie you ARE normal!!!!
You're I'll at the moment n working thru it... But u are as normal as me n every other person on here... And in yer house...
I'm positive ur sister wud b thankful u felt comfortable enough to talk to her. Not burdened in the slightest

 

[azwethinkweiz]

Sorry to hear your mum isn't supportive I think a lot of people don't really know how to deal with people with depression even though it's becoming more common.

I have recently had some pretty dark times as I got injured and off work for 5 months so far. I find now that I schedule things into my day it really helps as before there were days where I just didn't want to leave bed at all. I do a daily walk and some exercise the endorphins help lift my mood a little. It was so difficult to start with as I just wanted to stay in bed and wallow but it's really helping me personally. I found that lack of routine that I was used to made my symptoms much worse so had to force myself into a bit of a routine while I'm off work.

Anyway not sure if it helps you but just sharing. Oh and also I found nights were particularly bad as I was spending so long in bed during the day that I couldn't sleep at night and it's a long lonely time with too much time for thinking. Still have bad days/nights but making myself get up earlier has helped sort it out a lot. X

I was putting myself in a routine for a while. For a while I felt okayish. But its like I've gone backwards again now. I just want to be better and I don't think I ever will be the way things are going.

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[azwethinkweiz]

Sarah hunnie you ARE normal!!!!
You're I'll at the moment n working thru it... But u are as normal as me n every other person on here... And in yer house...
I'm positive ur sister wud b thankful u felt comfortable enough to talk to her. Not burdened in the slightest

I don't feel normal at the moment. Mum won't even look at me today. See what I mean? They stay away from me when I'm in a "bad mood". They just think I'm being grumpy.
Nah my sister had exams yesterday & is going on holidays on thursday so I don't want to be annoying her right now. I'm just keeping to myself. Gonna go back to bed. X

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[*Sparkles*]

I don't feel normal at the moment. Mum won't even look at me today. See what I mean? They stay away from me when I'm in a "bad mood". They just think I'm being grumpy.
Nah my sister had exams yesterday & is going on holidays on thursday so I don't want to be annoying her right now. I'm just keeping to myself. Gonna go back to bed. X

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Big hugs xxx

 

[Dubchick81]

I don't feel normal at the moment. Mum won't even look at me today. See what I mean? They stay away from me when I'm in a "bad mood". They just think I'm being grumpy.
Nah my sister had exams yesterday & is going on holidays on thursday so I don't want to be annoying her right now. I'm just keeping to myself. Gonna go back to bed. X

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Well I have nothin on plate and nothing stopping me for meetin ya for a coffee n chat if ever ya need it... So pls remember u always hav someone... Xxx

 

[samjay123]

Big hugs from me too. Sounds like your going through a tough time. Hope you get better soon. Xxxxx