Hi lovely people! Having a rough few weeks, and I'm in full swing of mental illness right now, I'm trying so hard but I'm not at the same time if you understand? I feel so lost and emotional and also full if fear that I'm going to die, if I don't start on the scales moving downwards again, gained 4oz last week and my poor partner is being such a trooper. He's only trying to help but i get all insecure that he doesn't want to be with a fatty like me, he gives me encouragement and my illness is trying to make me into a victim n that everyone is judging me, iv gone food shy and am finding myself very hungry when people are here, to the point where when I alone, instead of just eating my daily syns of my hoops puft and kitkat and blue ribband (13.5syns) I'm eating that n then extra crisps n a bit of extra cheese on my pasta, and then having cereal bars as well as my hexb weetabix, n then 'tasting' others food, and I'm so upset, my partner gets upset because he wants me to be healthy and live a long life, I want to be healthy and have babies, but I keep switching backwards and forwards on the plan, so basically I'm just doing my own thing! I feel useless and am losing the use of my legs, they just don't want to work right lately.
I am now vowing, after watching 24hours in a&e, there was this lovely couple on there, and the guys wife had a stroke, he looked at her with so much pain and love in his eyes it made me all sad and soppy, that's the way my partner looks at me when's he's annoyed at me for not sticking to sw lol. We love each other so much that each of our pain hurts the other. So that's it, I'm going to be focused, do weekly meal planning including syns and HE. This is the only way I will face up to the little piglet I am, I can't keep justifying these binges by calling them 'flexisynning' as its clearly not meant for everyday use lol, a extra biscuit once in a while yeah.. I get that, but an extra 60 syns a day.. I was only hurting me! Wish me luck on keeping on track!