Begin at the Beginning

[Tilleymonster]

Hello everyone. Or me. Or whoever ends up reading this.

I'm starting again. I will just say this up front because for some reason it makes me think that I don't deserve to write or say anything. This is all probably part of the problem, so I'm overruling my typical thoughts and just going for it anyway.

I did LighterLife Lite when I was 12.9. I remember feeling like a total pig back then - a bloater. Now I look on those photos and clothes with fond memories, oh to be so slim again, I think. I was really successful and went to 10.12 in 7 weeks. Then I went crazy and ate. Then I just could never get back on track. I eventually stopped returning my counsellor's calls and emails and now I start afresh at 14.12. I've tried WW (hiss boo!) since March but it doesn't help me control the love I have for food, food to cancel out everything.

It's weird, the few months after I finished LighterLife I got a promotion, got engaged, went to New York with work, bought our first home...then by around September 2011 my luck turned. I was signed off work with stress for three weeks. My Gran had a stroke on the day we moved, and never returned from hospital, passing away at Christmas. I was involved in a harrassment case at work, that spanned through until January 2012. My cat went missing, and was found three months later dead in my neighbour's back garden. My best friend decided she hated me and asked me never to speak to her again. Basically, the last few months have sucked. I'm listing this all out because I want to be clear that stuff happens, and that coming home and opening the fridge door immediately, and then thinking that a takeaway or 'munch night' will make it all better hasn't worked. What it has done is made me dwell on everything, but not deal with it. Victim mentality. Not only did lots of not nice things happen, but I now feel absolutely disgusted with myself.

I'm tired of being tired, and aching, and realising that the reason I'm not wearing smart clothes to work is because I don't have any that fit. I'm tired of going out to buy a pair of cheap trousers in an 18 only to return home and not be able to get them on. I'm tired of the little comments, from loved-ones, friends, work colleagues, because I look so different now.

I blamed LighterLife for a long time for this weight gain. I blamed the 'harshness' of the counselling and the strict regime for the back lash into over-eating, and worse than ever before. But I realise now, it wasn't LighterLife, it was me. I mean, 8 weeks of the programme isn't that long! What I was doing was bingeing and anaesthetising the pain and misery of all the things that were happening. Wanting to hide. What's the easiest way to hide? To get fat. No - I don't want to go out, no - I don't want to be sociable, I'm fat and would like to sit and dwell on that whilst eating so I can be more ashamed. I revelled a little in the fact that my parents (I'm an only child, they're a big deal) were a bit worried about my weight. That they wanted to focus on the issue. I think I also wanted that guaranteed attention if I'm honest. 'Oh look, darling girl has an issue, let's help', what a quick way to get some love!

The wedding approaches in August 2013. Last week I emailed my counsellor and went the very next day to start again. I'm on Total this time due to my BMI. I was so nervous walking in the door that I felt I had a job interview, but it felt right. In fact, before I went I had planned to wait until Sunday to start the plan. I have a friend visiting and a birthday meal out with another. I felt so switched on when I finished the session that I started the very next day. I just want to strike while the iron is hot and make something of this motivation. It feels so right at the moment that day 1 and 2 have passed with no issues at all. In fact, I'm hyper today (day 2) and can barely contain myself for clearning things and doing things and finding blogs and wedding ideas.

I'll talk more at some point about my horrific experiences in the wedding dress shops. Another kick up the bum to get me to take charge of my life again.

I'm not really as negative as all of this sounds. I am feeling very good about everything. Scared to failed perhaps. But otherwise happy to be doing this. I just wanted to start at the start and see how I go from there.

 

[zombiegirl]

Hi Tilleymonster. I don't post much but I do lurk, but I didn't want to read and run. I feel your pain, I think we have all reacted to stress this way in the past and it sounds as though you have been having a horrible time. You have taken the best possible step for you in going back and I am sure you will be successful. I myself started lighterlife at more than 17 stone and got to 11 6 before gaining lots back on holiday. I am now 11lb away from that weight so that is my first goal having committed properly back to my plan (now Cambridge) this week. I want to get to 10st 10 and will be willing you on through your journey even as I struggle myself!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Hi zombiegirl! Thank you so much for posting and not just lurking, I feel very supported in real life and its nice to have an additional person that gets it, is going through it, as well as supporting. I hope Cambridge goes well! Do u have to do shakes etc., for that too? Go for it!

So it's the end of day 4. Wow. Really not that long! Trying so hard not to focus on the weeks and months ahead. I don't know how to describe my emotions so I'll go with some key words:

Content: I am happy I am doing this, it is working, it is not a mistake.

Pride: I went to my friends dinner party and ate my food pack and had fizzy water. I declined the range of food and sugary stuff. But joined in. Didnt feel sulky or deprived. Maybe righteous?! My friend stayed all weekend and I took her out for lunch and made her food but didnt partake.

Foolhardy: I ate a pack at 9am then nothing till my friend left, at 7pm. I had black coffee and water whilst we were out but must remember to take a pack or bar in future as I felt a bit woozy and sulky.

Down to earth: okay, not an emotion. But this is my overall feeling about myself right now. I know I want this. I know it is tough at times. I know it will be a quick fix but may feel like an eternity, but the issues behind this will take a lifetime to solve and a lot of brainpower to keep on top of. I felt like a true grown up explaining to other party goers exactly why I wasn't eating or drinking. Unashamedly. Everyone was very respectful. That is different to last time when perhaps I presented it with more cynicism? This time I feel very much that this is right for me and that's as much as I need to concern myself with.

Selfish: but in a good way! See the above, for once I don't have to please my partner by having a takeaway because he has suggested it to say no would be terrible. Likewise, I don't have to eat all the food at a dinner party ( or in this instance, any!). Perhaps this leads me to my penultimate emotion; lightbulb!

Lightbulb: we talked in our meeting about Assertiveness, our first module. Focusing on 'no' not being a taboo word. Weirdly, until just now, I was able to see this session as about how my inability to say 'no' at work would lead me home and to the food. Just now I've realised that actually, my 'no' and 'yes' lead to my food problem too. Why didn't I see that? Yes, I'll have the food I know will make me fat because, no, I am not worthy enough to decline anything and be 'selfish' in that decision. Why did it only just dawn on me how much assertiveness is tied up in how I had been eating?

Lastly, tonight I am probing: odd word I know. But probing for discontent. Probing my brain to see if it wants me to give in. Inhaling the smell of food realising I could just eat, that all that holds me strong is me. Am I strong enough? I ask myself, calling up the taste of foods that got me here. Salivating. Can I really keep it up? Can I be trusted with my choices?

It's so much more emotional than I thought it would be.

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 5: 9am. Start work at 7:30, had a meeting at 8am (urgh!) and a pint and some black coffee. Now got my raspberry porridge.

Everything is going fine. Keep feeling a bit sick when I wake up of late (lots of jokes about me being pregnant - I'm not), but I think is just not enough sleep? Will try an earlier bedtime tonight and judge from there.

Anyway, today's mission is to space the packs out far better than I did yesterday. To walk the dogs properly along the coast for an hour or more. To do my cross-stitch (havent' done it in ages and really gets me through the evening boredoms). The OH is off and he's trying to convince me he'll eat elsewhere, told him I'm fine with it and that it's part of my learning, but bless him for offering. I did find a packet of one of my favourite snack foods stuffed down the side of the sofa this morning, he's got it all locked in his car boot for when he wants to snack and I'm in bed.

Anyway, I feel slimmer already. I can't believe that in two days time it'll be crunch time on how much I've lost, it's really exciting!!!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 5 evening. First time OH and I off together and I'm in such a mess. I want junk food, cos that's what we do. See each other after his long night shifts and settle down with treat night. I realise a few things about this: it wasn't a treat because it became more than once a week! It haw become a habit. I am not actually hungry. I'm just so used to us lazily eating food I'm scared to not do that and find myself anxious. :-(

 

[Tilleymonster]

A little later... Bit obsessed with writing on here. Hopefully good to look back on when I'm at later weeks...

Anyway, all fine. Had bar about 6:30, so spacing them out 9am, 2pm, 6:30pm then 9:30pm seems to do it. Spent night reading blogs and looking at wedding dresses to keep focused. Thing is, I'm not hungry, I'm just not full. I've spent a good year being painfully full most nights and going to bed in pain really, so of course my stomach feeling...nothing...is weird.

Made OH take battery out of scales. Realise much of my earlier upset was due to sneaky home weigh in showing a 6lb loss and my messed up head turning that into a failure. I need to stop that. I have to get from 94.8kg to 65kg, so week on week I have to keep going and not sweat the small weigh ins.

Bed now. Onwards to day6, confident I dont have to eat my way through an evening.

 

[ApplySomePressure]

First off hi & well done for starting again. You've done it before, you know it works and you can do it again. A lot of what you say rings true with me especially the always being full thing. I'm calorie counting although I've done vlcd's in the past, and remember commenting not long after beginning calorie counting how nice it was to get hungry and then eat. It had been so long since I'd stopped eating long enough to get hungry!

Good luck with everything, I'm sure with your determination you'll do great! Just a wee point- a 6lb loss is huge!!!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Applysomepressure - go you too! And thank you! Yes, 6lbs would be a huge loss. I think the issues might be I want to go oh look, I've been good for a week, lost 4 stone, now I can eat. See - a lot of work to be done!

Day 6 am. Getting quite excited about weigh in tomorrow night...come oooooooooooooooon. I need it to reignite me on what I'm doing. Can't wait for more assertiveness stuff too.
Holding out for another half hour on my porridge. I'm not hungry just yet and it does make spacing the lunch soup out easier. Note to self: do NOT buy Asparagus soup again. That was not nice.

No big news. Onwards.

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 6. Lunchtime. Had lots of meetings so have ended up having a very late lunch which has made having my soup a dream. Lovely vegetable soup

I wanted to record for prosperity that I am starting to wear my size 14 fake leather jacket. It is so tight. It does up, but it ruches up over my hips, and makes me feel like I can't move my arms in case I rip it! It also won't go up over my boobs. Decided that I'm going to wear this same coat everyday now, because it will 1) help me to see how much of a different there is in my size, as it becomes looser and 2) it reminds me why I'm doing this. I don't want to be squeezed into clothing. And I have a lot of lovely clothes from my first time around that I want to get back into. Some of which never even saw the light of day and all live up the attic. So - the focus is on the coat for now, and also my jeans. I have loads of these, I used to have different options for dog walking and now I'm always in leggings. Well, not in a couple of months.

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 6 home from work. Now got hot black coffee and Lord of the Rings as I have a bath. Had a massive rant at OH things like:

How do I ever stop wanting to binge?
How do I do more than a week or two?
Why does coming home equal letting loose with food?

Can I really change? Really?

 

[Tilleymonster]

No no no. I can't have that as my post. I'm clever enough to know I want to change so of course I can. And the how, well, thats why I'm abstaining, to find out how.

Some things I see in a slimmer future:
Lovely young, 30 year old, wearing lovely clothes. Boots and skinny jeans and a top, or vest. I could, of course buy in size 18-20 and get on with it. But I wouldnt be happy. Feeling my age is important, I'm sick of long baggy jumpers, bras where my boobs fall out, trying to arrange myself so my double chin doesnt show.
I also look forward to feeling worthy and although I try and socialise I feel i'm rarely myself.
Sex, a massive part, has been ruined by me backing off and feeling as least sexy as possible in this meat suit.
Energy, to go to center parcs on our honeymoon and rather than puff and blow and feel silly and never show a soul our pictures I can do everything!
The wedding, of course. Massive deal. I want OH to be wowed and proud.
Being able to value all I have. Not neglect all the good things while busy feeling sorry for myself.
Sticking it to various people. Terrible I'm sure, but an added bonus.
Starting running again. Or trying climbing, yoga, martial arts, horse riding, I want a body that will compliment an active lifestyle.
Less threatened by slim women I know. They dont have it altogether, but I assume they do and want to lose an obvious part of me that says 'she's outta control'.
My belly not sticking out of tops.
My thighs not being fat dappled things.
My feet not being hard to clip and paint.
To be slimmer than my 50 year old mother.
To not chafe in the heat next summer.

 

[Julz]

Tillyminstor, I'm with you on everything you wrote. I'm back on total, day 2 for the 3rd time in just over a week. What starts out as a positive great day, can suddenly end at home with rubbish, the switch goes and I'm into self destruct, I know what to do, I did it last year so why then do I allow the insanity if stupidity take over? I know the consequences ....
Hope you have a great day, I'm waiting for the ketosis fairy to take my hunger away, hoping when I finally get there, it will be easier
Jx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Hi Julz, it's just not easy to do what your told if you're in love with a bad guy! I know I don't need to give up everything for food, or make it more important than my other priorities but jeez, it wheedles at me. My food problem is an abusive partner!

My counsellor mouthed to me after hugging me goodbye, she mouthed "just f ing do it". I can get that. The emotional but I need to sort but the mechanics of not eating for now, well, thats on us. Blollomin hard though.

Also, I'm not sure ketosis works at the moment. Im still getting hungry! But I guess it's in the morning not all the time. Is that right?

Got a cold today but it is weigh in night. I want my scales back to check, but why bother? Im not near target so its not worthwhile. Sneeeeeeze!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Week 1 weigh in, 8lbs off. Still in the 14s but hope to be down to 13 something by next weigh in. Stupid cold is horrid. Just nommed my Carbonara and a bar, happy weigh in to meeee! :-D

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 8! Week TWO! Can't believe I got here so fast! So. Easy today as so poorly I'm not really hungry. Sure, my mind goes to various comfort meals mother wouldve made me, but I cant say I want anything. Ended up having porridge at 11, soup at 4:30 and then will have shake and bar later. Cant believe I'm capable of this. Feel really proud of myself.

Been looking at clothes catalogues today. Just dreaming about what kind of style I might have when I can ditch the baggy jumpers and leggings. Or maybe I'll still like those but tighter? I seem to be salivating over bootcut jeans, snug short jumpers, fitted leather coats and dresses. DRESSES?! Where has that come from I wonder.

Starting to feel a bit weird posting on here as there dont seem to be any other LLs updating or posting. But I'll carry on like a loon talking to my fat self.

 

[ApplySomePressure]

Well done on your loss! That's great, over half a stone!

Here's to the next week!!

 

[Julz]

Tillymonster well done on your loss, really feeling the same as you, I'm not going to group at the moment so home weigh ins, list 4lbs in 3 days and think ketosis is here, sigh.
Food is my addictive abuse partner too, just when I feel it's under control, snap light goes on and I'm off again, trying very hard to be focused, challenges for me ahead, I'm away every weekend till end if December , so food everywhere!!!
Clothes , I decided as I went through ll total first time and dropped the weight, I got rid of loads of clothes and decided to buy carefully and use a capsule wardrobe, like Gok suggests...... Didn't work bought , 'just this as it looks god' oh 'that's lovely, it will go so nicely with..' So wardrobes are full, again. I still even now look at clothes every time I go out and usually buy something, even though I'm skint and really don't need anything!!!
Def using clothes as a substitute.
I have been meaning to start a new thread about this part of my journey, and have not had time, I agree it is really quiet on here, I think a lot if people lurk, I know I have been before I restarted to post.
Hope you have a great weekend all
Jx

 

[Kira]

Tilley I have just read your thread and relate to what you have experienced in respect of your relationship with food. You have taken the hardest step and started again. Like many others I did a vlcd lost weight, gained it back did another attempt at vlcd a year later lost weight and then spent two years with many failed attempts to do vlcd again. I did Cambridge and finally at the beginning of Septemebr I started Slim & Save as I liked the variety of the packs And I am day 61 today and don't get me wrong I have wavered. I also had social events where I chose to eat but made sensible choices with the excetion of one day and I had cheese and crackers! However this time my approach is to move on froma blip because in the real world I will have to do that when faced with choices of what to eat and not .

What I'm trying to say is in order not to regain the weight we must plan maintenance now and I have learnt that the hard way and time wasted. The times my slim friends have said its small changes and slow loss is what you need to lose weight long term. They were right. Had I done that I'd be at goal already. But that is why I need to kick start of a vlcd I dont want to waste time.

Look forward to following our journey and I doesn't matter what plan we are all on. X

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day 9!! Thanks ladies for replying, its good to know theres more of us going for it! I totally get what you mean on clothes Julz, I just bought a dress in a size 14 because I saw it in a catalogue and there are hardly any left in stock. I have a pair of jeans I want to get back on and then will add that, hanging in my bedroom: loud and proud. Keep holding the jeans up in disbelief, was I really small enough to get those on? Will I really again? Surely I will, if I did it before. Only difference is it's a longer journey this time. But no point worrying, just keep to it. Cold really bad and food not an issue with so little taste anyway. Porridge and soup is all normal really! Happy weekend too!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Day9 evening.

Just took self off to watch fireworks from inside my car with a black coffee and a loada tissues. OH on shift and thought air might do me good. Except I nearly fell asleep in car! Maybe not better at all yet.

Worried I was dreaming that this time next year I can go to a bbq in jeans and hoody and... Eat! Dreaming of various bbq foods. I'm a veggie for goodness sake! Worried I'll never stop seeing fun = food and vice versa. Guess the point is food on special occasions is fine. Just not every night to excess? Hmmm.