Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Hi everyone.
I hope everyone is well - I am not caught up on posts at all yet. I lost my laptop, so online time for me is pretty restricted to sneaky posts at work, or when my hubby is not using his, I can hop on here.
Life has been kind of nuts this year. I can hardly beleive it has been 6 months since my mother died. I have been on quite a roller coaster ride, or a merry go round - it's either up and down or spinning in circles. But I think, I am pretty certain I have come out of the dark part of it all. After 6 weeks off of work, I have been back for a couple of months now, and it is going well.
The 6 month waiting period ended, and I now have my moms dog Muffin here in England with me. It was wonderful, the weeks before she got here to have had something to look forward too. It was the first good thing in nearly 8 or 9 months. Having her here is magic. Pure magic. I love her to bits - to the extreme - she is such a special little dog. She is settling in beautifully, and I think she is happy to be with us. She has been through so much.
The grief counseling was a very good thing to do - I do not think I would be feeling as much better as I am without it. And the medication. I finally feel the worst is over.
My OH has been the most amazing support and has done so much to help through all of this, including two solo trips to the USA to move ALL of moms furniture, 6 hours away - 3 or 4 12 hour roundtrips, and managing mostly on his own - and then the trip to get Muffin. It made me realise - what I feared so much about now having lost both my parents is that I would feel alone. But he has been so amazing, I realised I am never alone and he is my family now. In a different way then before moms death.
So, that is the good news.
The bad news is, *****and there will be some food talk from here on*****is that one of the things I found most therapuetic was baking. There was something healing about kneading bread, and nurturing a sourdough starter - it all felt really comfortable and reminded me of mom. Problem is, you taste what you bake, and it turns out I am a pretty good baker. lol What started out as a conscious choice for comfort, soon creeped it's way into a physical craving and need for carbs. Or at least the powerful draw to carbs was stronger then ever.
The amount of comfort it seemed to bring, soon took over, and I have suddenly found all my clothes are too tight, I feel sluggish, my knees hurt again. I have probably put on 2 stone over the course of this past 9 month period.
I tried a couple of times to lose it with Exante - but my head was not in the right place. It was far too easy to mess around and bend the rules all over the show.
But lately I have been thinking of going back to LL for the support. I know I said I would never abstain again - but this is not a quick fix. I have lost my head space through all of this. I need to revisit the counseling and retrain myself again. But I did not want to suggest it to my husband because I was so adamant last time was the last time- the two times I did a short stint with Exante... We both agreed I did not really give those a serious go - because there was no counseling and no weekly weigh in, it was a lame attempt really.
So we talked, and he fully supports me to go back to it. In fact, he must have read my mind because he asked me if I wanted to. He feels after all the hard work to lose the 10 stone, and after all I went through emotionally this year - we think its a good idea to get help. So I am going back as a returner.
This will be as important as the first time I did it. This is to change my thought processes and to get healthy again.
My head is dead centre in the right place for this. I am EXCITED, and confident, and feel like my old self is truly coming back. I can hardly wait to get started, and will try and be more active on the forum again.
I am going to do this with the same determination and commitment that I did 2 years ago.
And most importantly, I am not beating myself up about this. At all. I have been to hell and back, and pre Lighterlife, I would have been binging from the day mom hurt herself and then each and everyday without ever gaining control until it was too late - so I can live with this!!
I can live with losing the amount I have gained. I fully expected it, and now its time to sort it out.
One more tick on my list of worrying or troublesome things. There is little left to worry about, and I feel, dare I say, very happy.
So sorry this was such a long post - if you made iut this far you get a gold star!! Its just been such a long time since I have been here, and I had a lot to say in case I don't get back on here this weeked.
Thanks for listening, and wish me luck!!
xxxxxxxx
I hope everyone is well - I am not caught up on posts at all yet. I lost my laptop, so online time for me is pretty restricted to sneaky posts at work, or when my hubby is not using his, I can hop on here.
Life has been kind of nuts this year. I can hardly beleive it has been 6 months since my mother died. I have been on quite a roller coaster ride, or a merry go round - it's either up and down or spinning in circles. But I think, I am pretty certain I have come out of the dark part of it all. After 6 weeks off of work, I have been back for a couple of months now, and it is going well.
The 6 month waiting period ended, and I now have my moms dog Muffin here in England with me. It was wonderful, the weeks before she got here to have had something to look forward too. It was the first good thing in nearly 8 or 9 months. Having her here is magic. Pure magic. I love her to bits - to the extreme - she is such a special little dog. She is settling in beautifully, and I think she is happy to be with us. She has been through so much.
The grief counseling was a very good thing to do - I do not think I would be feeling as much better as I am without it. And the medication. I finally feel the worst is over.
My OH has been the most amazing support and has done so much to help through all of this, including two solo trips to the USA to move ALL of moms furniture, 6 hours away - 3 or 4 12 hour roundtrips, and managing mostly on his own - and then the trip to get Muffin. It made me realise - what I feared so much about now having lost both my parents is that I would feel alone. But he has been so amazing, I realised I am never alone and he is my family now. In a different way then before moms death.
So, that is the good news.
The bad news is, *****and there will be some food talk from here on*****is that one of the things I found most therapuetic was baking. There was something healing about kneading bread, and nurturing a sourdough starter - it all felt really comfortable and reminded me of mom. Problem is, you taste what you bake, and it turns out I am a pretty good baker. lol What started out as a conscious choice for comfort, soon creeped it's way into a physical craving and need for carbs. Or at least the powerful draw to carbs was stronger then ever.
The amount of comfort it seemed to bring, soon took over, and I have suddenly found all my clothes are too tight, I feel sluggish, my knees hurt again. I have probably put on 2 stone over the course of this past 9 month period.
I tried a couple of times to lose it with Exante - but my head was not in the right place. It was far too easy to mess around and bend the rules all over the show.
But lately I have been thinking of going back to LL for the support. I know I said I would never abstain again - but this is not a quick fix. I have lost my head space through all of this. I need to revisit the counseling and retrain myself again. But I did not want to suggest it to my husband because I was so adamant last time was the last time- the two times I did a short stint with Exante... We both agreed I did not really give those a serious go - because there was no counseling and no weekly weigh in, it was a lame attempt really.
So we talked, and he fully supports me to go back to it. In fact, he must have read my mind because he asked me if I wanted to. He feels after all the hard work to lose the 10 stone, and after all I went through emotionally this year - we think its a good idea to get help. So I am going back as a returner.
This will be as important as the first time I did it. This is to change my thought processes and to get healthy again.
My head is dead centre in the right place for this. I am EXCITED, and confident, and feel like my old self is truly coming back. I can hardly wait to get started, and will try and be more active on the forum again.
I am going to do this with the same determination and commitment that I did 2 years ago.
And most importantly, I am not beating myself up about this. At all. I have been to hell and back, and pre Lighterlife, I would have been binging from the day mom hurt herself and then each and everyday without ever gaining control until it was too late - so I can live with this!!
I can live with losing the amount I have gained. I fully expected it, and now its time to sort it out.
One more tick on my list of worrying or troublesome things. There is little left to worry about, and I feel, dare I say, very happy.
So sorry this was such a long post - if you made iut this far you get a gold star!! Its just been such a long time since I have been here, and I had a lot to say in case I don't get back on here this weeked.
Thanks for listening, and wish me luck!!
xxxxxxxx
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I feel like I am in the zone again. I feal ready.
