break up advice

L

lumpyandbumpy

Silver Member
hi everyone,

sorry to post this on here i just need some non-food advice from you lovely people! i'll try and keep this as brief as possible.

i cant see a future with my boyfriend for a number of reasons but i really dont know how to go about ending things. i feel like i've kept everything in for too long and im either not going to be able to get my point across at all (i get tongue tied in pressurised situations) or i'll end up tumbling it all out in a defensive way.

I'm at the end of my tether, to try and cut a long story short i'll outline my main issues:

* we have hardly anything in common, apart from the fact he plays football for the club ive watched since a child but half the time he puts me down when i comment on the team or the sport in general in a really patronising way as if i dont 'really understand' it.

* he never takes an interest in my career or my studies. ive had promotion 3 times in the space of 2 years at my job and im studying for my MBA, i dont expect him to understand the ins and outs of what i do, but it would be nice for him to try and take an interest and show some pride in what ive achieved

* he isnt motivated to do anything, hes a builder but doesnt drive and when hes been out of work, hes relied on friends to get him jobs to get lifts with them rather than being proactive and getting contacts himself.

*he also keeps putting learning to drive off and whenever he suggests going somewhere, i have to drive, he always demands lifts as well, got to the point where he expects me to run him home, to the club etc without offering petrol or even asking nicely these days. also, i feel this is important for the future, e.g. having kids and being able to have another person drive to pick them up etc.

* he wanted to join the police a while back, to be a PCSO, i work in HR and even offered to fill the form in for him and have my friend who works for the police check it over, but he still couldnt be bothered to print the form off!!

* i live in my own house, he spends money like water, spending up to £150 every weekend on drinking, its like he just assumes when the time is right he'll move into mine, there's no motivation to stand on his own 2 feet. when i told him how much i have to budget every month for the house he just laughed and said he could never imagine doing that, wtf???

* he also phones when hes out drunk at stupid o clock and im in bed and been asleep for ages, ive told him about this countless times but its like talking to a brick wall, he just says sorry at the time and that he doesnt 'know what hes doing'

sorry for the looooong post but i cant handle it much longer. i cant see a long term future as he's just not mature enough, theres no progression in the relationship at all (we've been together almost 5 years in total, broke up once before for a year). i really dont know where to start addressing the problems and i also dont want to sound like a complete cow. any advice would be welcome! thanks! x
 
You sound like a really together person. Well done on your promotions and wow you've done fantastically well with your weight loss! There's got to be give an take for a relationship to work and that has to be balanced. From your post it sounds like you do all the giving and he does all the taking. Can you imagine your life without him in it? Does it seem as though it would be better? Do you think he's capable of changing? Do you think he is likely to?

From a complete outsider's point of view it seems you'd be better off without him.
 
lol thanks for the replies both. i just feel like i dont know where to start explaining this to him, im afraid i'll end up not getting my point across well enough or end up screaming which i really dont want to do but at the moment i feel like im about to burst! ive got to do this soon, i just dont know where to begin! x
 
I think even if you explained it to him it would make no difference. It sounds like you have tried already. You might just have to be blunt and offer no explanation. Just tell him it's over. Cut the rot. Try to put your business head on.
I'm useless at closure. I could have done with taking that advice myself many times. Don't end up like me!
 
Crikey, can't add anything to the wise words that the gals have already offered.

Good luck, MissHapp, it's always darkest before the dawn.

P x
 
Hi

From my experience you have to follow your instincts as its very rare that they steer you in the wrong direction. And it sounds to me like all yours are telling you that this relationship has truly ran its course.

My test for relationships is that you should be happier with them than without them and that they should add to you not take away. You should be more when you are a couple than you are as too sepetate people - the whole is stronger than its parts :) It doesn't sound like he passes this test?

There's no easy way to tell someone it's over and whatever you say he will only hear the bits he wants to and that fit in with his view of things. I know you want him to understand and change but that's not going to happen or it would have done by now. The only thing you can do is just tell him straight, don't slag him off, but make sure he knows it's well and truly over and there's no going back this time. That way you can both start healing straight away rather than imagining a reconciliation.

It will get easier and you will meet someone worthy of you and your love - don't settle for less than that... Ever xxx
 
yoga84 said:
Hi

From my experience you have to follow your instincts as its very rare that they steer you in the wrong direction. And it sounds to me like all yours are telling you that this relationship has truly ran its course.

My test for relationships is that you should be happier with them than without them and that they should add to you not take away. You should be more when you are a couple than you are as too sepetate people - the whole is stronger than its parts :) It doesn't sound like he passes this test?

There's no easy way to tell someone it's over and whatever you say he will only hear the bits he wants to and that fit in with his view of things. I know you want him to understand and change but that's not going to happen or it would have done by now. The only thing you can do is just tell him straight, don't slag him off, but make sure he knows it's well and truly over and there's no going back this time. That way you can both start healing straight away rather than imagining a reconciliation.

It will get easier and you will meet someone worthy of you and your love - don't settle for less than that... Ever xxx
Click to expand...

thanks, thats a lovely post. we have definitely run our course, i just need to sit down and focus on what im actually going to say without coming across as mean or a bumbling mess! in my head theres loads i want to get out but in reality i know i'll end up mumbling some cliche about the relationship not going anywhere etc! wish i had a magic wand! x
 
I honestly can't see why you have stayed with him! This man doesn't enhance your life in any way at all. Cut yourself loose and you can go off and find a real partner and not a child. Sorry - he seems like he's very immature from what you have said.

How to do it? Easy - get him alone and say: "I don't wish us to be an item any longer. It's not you and it's not me but it is US. The combination of us two together isn't working for me so it will be best in the long run if you and I go our separate ways."

You don't need to offer any more of an explanation if you don't want to. From what you said about getting flustered and tongue tied it will probably be much better if you say very little just so that he isn't able to start doing and mind-messing games. Please make sure you get your key from him (if he has one) and if you have stuff of his at yours have it parceled up ready for him to take without hassle in a taxi.

Good luck lovely - you don't need this man/child in your life and the quicker this door closes the sooner your next one opens. xx
 
Headache said:
I honestly can't see why you have stayed with him! This man doesn't enhance your life in any way at all. Cut yourself loose and you can go off and find a real partner and not a child. Sorry - he seems like he's very immature from what you have said.

How to do it? Easy - get him alone and say: "I don't wish us to be an item any longer. It's not you and it's not me but it is US. The combination of us two together isn't working for me so it will be best in the long run if you and I go our separate ways."

You don't need to offer any more of an explanation if you don't want to. From what you said about getting flustered and tongue tied it will probably be much better if you say very little just so that he isn't able to start doing and mind-messing games. Please make sure you get your key from him (if he has one) and if you have stuff of his at yours have it parceled up ready for him to take without hassle in a taxi.

Good luck lovely - you don't need this man/child in your life and the quicker this door closes the sooner your next one opens. xx
Click to expand...

thanks, thats exactly how i feel it is like, hes the child and im like a mother not a girlfriend. i cant stick the immaturity anymore, its like im waiting for him to grow up and its not happening, well not with me anyway. he'll probably shape up for someone else but i think ive allowed him to be the way he is for too long and its become the norm. i think i need to write everything down on paper and read through it all so i can get some direction on how to approach this. i feel like i literally cant handle it anymore and somethings got to give. i suppose deep down im also afraid of what else is out there, cant imagine beginning to start dating again because ive got used to being with someone, which is not the right attitude but you do become a bit 'safe' after a while which make things harder! x
 
Listen to me lovely. THERE ARE LOVELY MEN OUT THERE WHO WILL WANT YOU!!!


I have my own trials and tribulations regarding love (I am going to write a book about it one day - a best seller I tell you!) and trust me on this: If you give yourself a bit of time to get your self esteem sorted and your head together (both always damaged after a break up I think) you will be in a fantastic position to go out there and meet a man who deserves you. Of course it's scary - and very exciting - because it's the unknown but now you have identified what you definitely do not want from a man you can go out and find a man who will offer you better.

Fear is not a reason not to do something - I always think it's more of a reason.
 
Headache said:
Listen to me lovely. THERE ARE LOVELY MEN OUT THERE WHO WILL WANT YOU!!!


I have my own trials and tribulations regarding love (I am going to write a book about it one day - a best seller I tell you!) and trust me on this: If you give yourself a bit of time to get your self esteem sorted and your head together (both always damaged after a break up I think) you will be in a fantastic position to go out there and meet a man who deserves you. Of course it's scary - and very exciting - because it's the unknown but now you have identified what you definitely do not want from a man you can go out and find a man who will offer you better.

Fear is not a reason not to do something - I always think it's more of a reason.
Click to expand...

thank you :) :bighug: i'll definitely buy your book when you write it! xx
 
*Hugs* Never a good position to be in, but I completely agree with what Yoga has said. In a relationship, you should add to each other, to be better as a pair and individually. As someone who isn't involved, it just seems like your being dragged down. In time you will find someone else who appreciates you :) x
 
I really feel for the position you are in as I am terrible at things like this too, at least there are alot of positives from the fact that the relationship hasn't really progressed. i.e you don't share a home, you don't have children and due to his immaturity you do not 'rely' on him for anything by the sound of it. Things could be a lot harder on a practical level at least, however no matter how much you know you need to end the relationship its still hard to let go , it won't all have been bad and I am sure there is a part of you that will miss him and also being part of a couple etc. However its your happiness that is paramount its not going to be easy and I think no matter what you decide to say , you won't actually end up saying it, you just need to be honest with him and to yourself you both deserve that, good luck hun xx
 
bajoleth said:
I really feel for the position you are in as I am terrible at things like this too, at least there are alot of positives from the fact that the relationship hasn't really progressed. i.e you don't share a home, you don't have children and due to his immaturity you do not 'rely' on him for anything by the sound of it. Things could be a lot harder on a practical level at least, however no matter how much you know you need to end the relationship its still hard to let go , it won't all have been bad and I am sure there is a part of you that will miss him and also being part of a couple etc. However its your happiness that is paramount its not going to be easy and I think no matter what you decide to say , you won't actually end up saying it, you just need to be honest with him and to yourself you both deserve that, good luck hun xx
Click to expand...

thanks jo, yes you are right things could be a lot worse when you put it like that, i havent allowed myself to rely or depend on him simply because i know he's not capable of that and this is where i should thank my lucky stars we havent got any shared commitments. i need to take a step back and try and look at it from an outsiders view to end things because i think thats the only way i'll be able to stay composed when ending it. i wish these things were easier! x
 
Good luck lumpyandbumpy. Please know that many on here will be thinking of you and wishing you well. :)
 
Just a suggestion.... make sure that 'dump day' is an up day....

Good luck,
Barbara
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Cheekypasterfield
Live, Love, Eat & Repeat
Replies
6
Views
1K
Cheekypasterfield
Cheekypasterfield
jules1981
My Goal is to be Healthier dropping from 26 stone 10 lbs
2
Replies
36
Views
3K
tipperary
tipperary
elle2585
It’s been over a decade - back here to get comfy
Replies
4
Views
451
elle2585
elle2585
tobehappyme
New start for a new me
Replies
2
Views
2K
tobehappyme
tobehappyme
Blubell._.0422
Step4 1200kcal Hello anyone who is still here
Replies
5
Views
2K
dovydaitis
dovydaitis
Back
Top