Crazy life of Chilli

ChilliQueen said:
4.5 stone is amazing @purpleorc
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Thank you still a long way to go but I am closer to half way in my journey. I am proud of what I have achieved and how far I have come. Considering nearly two years ago I was virtually bedbound , ulcers , cellulitis and lymphoedema .in both legs. But these are under control. I know I am never getting rid of lymphoedema but I am living with it and controlled by some passion killing compassion bandages. Nora Batty I could give her a run for her money :rotflmao:
 
Well it's been a mixed sort of day. Last nightshift of this block tonight though and son is at his Dad's so I don't need to worry about him and had a not bad sleep today.

I've been really annoyed by universal credits today, they've taken my daughter off my claim for the past month even though she doesn't start work until thursday and won't have wages until end of August, so not only will I not have money for her from them, and have my child benefit reduced I have extra expenses as she's going to need me to support her with lunches and transport between now and end of August or she can't get to work at all. We'll be ok but it's frustrating. It feels often that here we are doing our best and having it taken away so fast and so many people that don't bother, barely work if at all, lie through their teeth are being handed SO MUCH MONEY.

Anyway I don't want to fall into the hole of that rant it's a very deep one. I've no issue with people who need the help getting it, I'm on about the scammers.

This change for us has happened so quickly I didn't have time to prepare for it, and at the same time I've bought all that stuff for my business as I didn't expect my income to drop until next month.

Also daughter has suggested she may want to move out - there is a possibility of her boyfriend taking over a rental in about 6 months. Now this could just be a pipe dream, she's 16 and lots could change in 6 months but I feel I need to take her seriously and plan for that too.

perhaps the universe is providing the push I need to jump into the Agency work world and immerse myself fully into my home business. It isn't really even a true leap of faith I know I can do other things if need be, my survival ability is strong. Complacency and fear even without seeing we're feeling it on the surface keeps us stuck. The status quo has kept me here for all my strength I know I have.

I'm going to visit a friend on Sunday who's good with CV's, and then I'm going to apply to an agency. Then we will see. There is no risk in simply applying...

I also have thought that it would be better for me, better for daughter, better for son, and even better for the dog if I can pull off this new set of ideas! Even the dog is better when I work less as during my run of nights she only gets little walks.

I am already brave... I just need to stay brave and keep the faith.

Weighwise... I'm down to 173 :eek: on a nightshift week! I have never lost 2lbs before on a nightshift week, and I haven't been overly careful. I think cutting the sugar in my tea is probably helping and I think I do have some better habits.

this afternoon I actually moved my scales and tried them again as sometimes they show a wonky weight if they're sat on anything accidentally but no. I am 173 lbs.

So 18lb's down now, in total.

I haven't really been logging my food here but most nights I've taken soup with chaffle to work, I've had curry and keto naan today, yesterday was butternut squash baked and stuffed with bolognese. I've had a sandwich now and then at work and a handful of biscuits. I really think the sugar in the tea is the main change that's sped me up lately.

I'll probably do another 48+ hour fast next week if I can.

well I best go get ready for work. Last night on then off for 9!
 
Ah... nights off.

5 in a row is a lot at once, I won't be sorry to see that go. I have one more set of 5 to do starting a week on saturday.

This morning I zoomed home excited for my daughters first day at work, and I drove her there, it's in a town around 15miles away and she'll usually be taking the train. It felt such a privilege to be a part of another of her 'firsts' my ex has been an idiot and even though I messaged him last week and told him which day she was starting work - for him to adjust his parental support accordingly - he took the time to let me know the adjusted figure yesterday, however he has not bothered to message her to ask what job she got, or say well done, or good luck or anything. I am beyond disappointed in that.

I told her how proud the rest of us are - and we've all told her, grandparents, friends and other people in our lives. We're all behind her. Then I dropped her off and she walked along with a friend who works in the same place.

Then I drove home and as I drove it hit me and I had a wave of old grief. I really can't remember how much I've shared here, but my daughters Dad died in an accident when she was 2. As sometimes happens I was hit with reminders of over and over how many firsts he has missed with her, how many firsts she has missed out on sharing with him. I cried all the way home, and again when I was talking to my mum. It's been 14 years, and honestly I'm not often upset I've had a whole 'other' life since then but just every now and then I am unexpectedly knocked sideways for a little while.I decided to just have a lazy reflective day.

I went to bed for a couple of hours then got up at lunchtime, my weight is up to 174 (still a loss) but it's never accurate after a short sleep. I'll see what it says tomorrow morning.

Not long after I was awake I had a phone call, I often just ignore random numbers but thankfully I answered it. The agency I began an application with online, but stopped and left it open as I need to get a CV made up - were on my phone for a chat. I now have an interview next week, and will have finalised the cv and application by then. By the sounds of it I could mix in home care shifts with care home shifts whichever fitted in in any week. I'll see what they say at the interview. I think I will likely be offered a job, much as I'm not being modest I'm a good carer, they clearly are in need of staff to persue a half done application. There are other agencies I can look at as well, my niece sent me a list earlier.

Then on top of that, I was talking about it to a friend who has carers looking after her elderly mother and she's offering me 4 hours/week at times that wouldn't interfere with me taking agency shifts really, and I could take my son if I need to, so that would help me quite a bit too. This doesn't sound like much but it's just 2x evenings 6-8, to help this lady (whom I've already cared for and know well) to have her dinner and get into her bed. Son can bring his nintendo or some toys or can play in the garden, I could still do a nightshift straight from there if my son was at his Dad's.

4 hours a week doesn't sound much but it's 16 hours a month, and that equates to nearly 2 full nightshifts. It means that even with very few craft sales I could probably get by with one agency shift per week and commit the rest of the time to building my stock and business.

I'm going to set myself small growing targets beginning with only £10 profit per week from my online opening in August... and increase my target by £5 per week each month, with no particular limit in mind, limits are not for Dream seekers. I'll stop growing when I feel I am earning enough and have balance.

Foodwise - earlier I made a keto naan pizza with pepperoni, and I've had some dark chocolate. I'm not hungry and won't bother having anything else.

Daughter has come home finally as she went straight from work to meet her boyfriend, she had a great first day.

so - funny sort of week. Lots of decisions made, Daughter enjoying work, universal credit blip, bit of a blub. Potentially a weight loss on a nightshift week...

I'm going to call it a good week.
 
well good morning all. I am ...172.8lbs! I lost weight, probably for the first time ever on a nightshift run. I'm gonna just log it as 173 for easy counting but I am REALLY happy with how it's going.

So I just popped off to update ticker and came back. Did ya miss me? lol

18lbs down, 47 to go but I'm only thinking about the next 1lb (which takes me to 10% lost) and then the next 1lb (which takes me to 20lbs lost) and then the next 1lb (which takes me to a nice 1 and a half stone lost) and then the next 2lb which takes me to a round 12st and ready to break into the 11s.Somewhere I haven't been in a long time.

Little steps, just this one and then the next one.

This week, next week, whenever.

Well this morning I got up early to make sure daughter was up, and did a bit of morning pages, which was abruptly ended when she called to say she missed the train so I had to jump in the car and take her to work. She'll get the hang of things. She'd nipped in to the shop to buy lunch and it didn't go as fast as she expected and as she called me literally at 0738 to say she'd missed it - it was only scheduled for 0738 so I was a bit pissed for her that they really left a minute early. Anyway I nipped down and picked her up and got her to work just on 8.

came home, popped my undrunk tea in the microwave and drank it lol. I don't like to waste a whole cup! Now I'm chilling with the dog, my son comes home at 10am today and we've a few deliveries to wait in for, so my plan is to have a day at home and chill today for son although he can go out to play no probs. I'll try and get some things made for my business and a bit of a tidy up.

have a fabulous day :)
 
ChilliQueen said:
well good morning all. I am ...172.8lbs! I lost weight, probably for the first time ever on a nightshift run. I'm gonna just log it as 173 for easy counting but I am REALLY happy with how it's going.

So I just popped off to update ticker and came back. Did ya miss me? lol

18lbs down, 47 to go but I'm only thinking about the next 1lb (which takes me to 10% lost) and then the next 1lb (which takes me to 20lbs lost) and then the next 1lb (which takes me to a nice 1 and a half stone lost) and then the next 2lb which takes me to a round 12st and ready to break into the 11s.Somewhere I haven't been in a long time.

Little steps, just this one and then the next one.

This week, next week, whenever.

Well this morning I got up early to make sure daughter was up, and did a bit of morning pages, which was abruptly ended when she called to say she missed the train so I had to jump in the car and take her to work. She'll get the hang of things. She'd nipped in to the shop to buy lunch and it didn't go as fast as she expected and as she called me literally at 0738 to say she'd missed it - it was only scheduled for 0738 so I was a bit pissed for her that they really left a minute early. Anyway I nipped down and picked her up and got her to work just on 8.

came home, popped my undrunk tea in the microwave and drank it lol. I don't like to waste a whole cup! Now I'm chilling with the dog, my son comes home at 10am today and we've a few deliveries to wait in for, so my plan is to have a day at home and chill today for son although he can go out to play no probs. I'll try and get some things made for my business and a bit of a tidy up.

have a fabulous day :)
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You have lots of milestone to keep you motivated over the next few weeks. I find it easier if I have an achievable goal to head towards. Rather than get over whelmed by how much I have to lose

I am sure your daughter will soon get into a routine for work. Just can take a little time to adjust. I hope to get a few jobs done in the home before the heat wipes me out. MS and heat for me is not the greatest combination. It can often leave me with fatigue even though I have done diddly squat. Got everything done for tea tonight just a matter of cooking it. Just a steak, jacket potato with cheese, salad and mushrooms. Followed by fresh fruit salad.
 
Catching up. Grief is a strange thing. It catches us and feels as raw as the first grief. I wept with grief at the loss of my niece in 1986 last week. Something just caught me.

The 4 hours with the lady and some agency work sounds good. That will help with the transition for your daughter.

When you can afford it, I recommend trying some erythritol as a sugar substitute. And well done with the scales, too!
 
thanks @AliGal I'm so sorry you suffered the loss of your niece xx The old cliche of time healing I don't really agree with, I think people just learn to live with the loss, and the real magic of recovery is being able to sometimes still hold the sadness alongside genuine survival and happiness. The lost loved ones are always sacred.

As for the sweetner, the truvia I have is a mix I think with erythritol and stevia, but I'm actually using hardly any. Since I'm not having it in tea and the baking or sweetened whipped cream I make is really an occasional thing. Is there a reason that erythritol is better than others?

Yesterday I ate some crap I shouldn't have, but the scales were kind and still read 173 this morning :)

I've been super lazy, although I have written a poem. I'll share it in a minute.

Today we're having bolognese for dinner, I'll have mine with veg or maybe cauli hash browns, I'll see what there is in the freezer later.

It's far too hot here for us Scottish people. I'm off to have a shower then a short walk with son to the mail box (I've something to post for daughter), the pavement I believe is too hot for dog walks so she will stay home poor Puppy!

Talking of Puppy, I think I have perfected how I want to make doggy bandana's. I tried a few online patterns but hadn't liked any of them, so I've taken ideas I've liked and made my own. They are reversible with snaps for easy fastening. I'll post a pic :)

alright, so here's my poem for any who enjoy words :)


The Days

Once upon a time change was hard
a trauma, a panic, a pain
Unable to see the clear path ahead
unable to see any gain.

Gone are those days…

I’d wake in a panic not knowing the way
Fear clouding the choices
positivity drowned out in my mind
by loud, uncomfortable, negative voices.

Gone are those days…

The unknown was dark and full of risk
comfort zone was the place to be
but then, the known was not so great
THAT took too long to see.

Gone are those days

Life in the unknown is all just a game
let go of the bad and sad
let in the new you can’t yet see
Don’t worry about those who call you mad..

because
Gone are those days

Jump off, leave behind, move forwards
try a new path, try again, make a change
So many more choices than I ever thought…
are all within comfortable range.

THESE are the days!
and these are the ways…
To live, to be free, to feel alive

Don’t hesitate
Dip a toe, take a step, peek out and look…
but- never look back
You’ll be glad of every step you took.

These Are the days.

Be you, be big, dream big, live fuller
care less about the critics
because there’s something simply
very wrong - with their analytics…

These are the days.

Be free, be happy, be alive, Be JOY
find courage, be brave
play your own game by your own rules
and you’ll find the peace that you crave.

Because These
THESE are not just THE days
These are Your days.
 
Your sweetner sounds good. I thought you were stll having sugar. My bad.
 
morning all, happy 10% day, I'm 172lbs. 19lbs lost... I can't remember the last time I measured, but I decided to this morning and hips 47inches, bust 42 inches and waist 36.5. BMI is 33.6 from my starting place of hips 50, bust 45, waist 38 and bmi 36.5.

progress is good. I actually feel a bit iffy today and suspect I may sometimes measure a bit smaller around the waist on other days. But hey, 3 inches from both bust and hips is fabulous and I definitely feel the difference in my clothes. I can see it in other areas as well, not so rounded across the shoulders and arms for example. I didn't measure anywhere else.

I was up in my loft at midnight last night getting the wall mounted fan that's been stored away, and in utter desperation of the heat I was busy with my tools and fitting it on wall lol. I used to have this in my old room in the house. I swapped with son last year but it was into september so not too hot. I'm now in the smallest bedroom I decided the kids needed the bigger rooms more than me. The thing that worries me is the 2 other bedrooms I never worry about noise as their walls don't link to neighbour, but my smallest room does. I'm hoping the sound of the fan isn't going thru! It was amazing to have it running last night, so pleasant but I still slept rubbish.

Hay fever has properly kicked in now as well and I really need to get some eye drops and nasal spray as the tablets aren't really working this year. I don't think we've had it this hot for a long while.

I've woken up kind of feeling an odd mix of hunger with a lack of desire to eat. I think it's all just the heat. I'm having a drink, might just be thirsty.

I usually don't update my ticker in the in-between but I think 10% is quite momentous so I'm going to, and it's still so early in the week I'm sure I should at least keep it, maybe even get to 20 by friday that would be awesome.

I was also pondering this morning that I think I started here (scales were wonky) at 191lbs, but at my heaviest I've been about 200, or 204 I've forgotten now. Just saying 200 tho for counting purposes I'm nearly 30lb's less than I once was, which is actually 15% of that. I'm not starving, I'm not miserable, I'm really quite happy. I have my lapses but I get back on track fairly easily. I'm hoping I've found my way.

We didn't have bolognese yesterday, son wanted cold food so we got some nibble stuff, cocktail sausages, chicken bites etc, wasn't ideal but I didn't eat that much all together yesterday.

We'll need to eat the mince today tho. So that's the plan for later, perhaps a soup and chaffle in the afternoon.
 
Morning Happy People

Yesterday ended up different as I promised the kids a takeaway once a month post payday, and daughter asked it to be last night so I ended up with beef curry and half a portion of chips from the chinese, but I didn't eat much else yesterday. My weight is 172.5 today so I'm thinking I'll be hanging on to the loss by Friday for sure :)

I popped along yesterday and was able to spend some time with some of my favourite people - my 2 longest serving best friends who have seen me to hell and back more than once, and my brother- because as luck would have it, the woman I've called my sister for years despite no blood link has been dating my brother for the past few months. It's lovely, they are both all loved up! It was so nice to be able to move a little more freely than we have in the past 18 months.

Plans for today are to finish my cv and application for job, clean up my house, call to make a doc appointment for daughter, clean out the trailer tent, take son to park, then pick up shopping. Dinner will be that mince provided it hasn't gone off. I'm not sure what the use by date was when I put it in the freezer but I took it out two days ago... the hazards of allowing kids to change plans lol.

I'd planned to sell the trailer tent but I'm a bit confused. 2 years ago I bought this thing, in the aftermath of my husband leaving hoping to just have some fun with the kids.

It didn't go especially well... one of the trips to the windy highlands I spent all night having to pull the sides in as they kept popping out in the wind (I've since discovered we should have had camping guy lines. Then on the last day - you really can't make this up - it was in July - I had to take the thing down in a windy thunderstorm! All of this was after my daughter had a meltdown and I sent her home alone on the train. It was not a good trip... We also had a trip to England that was a bit better.

However I remember being stressed and feeling that assembling and disassembling was a real struggle - like I was at the edge of my limit of ability? So I decided it probably wasn't for me.

I should have had it up for sale a month ago really as that's the best time to sell things like that, but it could still sell if I put it up now. I was only really motivated because my daughter asked for something I knew had been left in it 2 years ago lol.

The thing is... even having to think about how it was done as it's been so long and bear in mind I wasn't exactly well practised anyway - I managed to put it up really easily yesterday, it was really not difficult at all. So now I'm wondering if really 2 years ago I was just so run down physically and mentally that everything was a struggle? and that perhaps it would be worth keeping...

we were all going through it back then 2 years ago, it was hard on us all. My daughter is at the point where she probably wouldn't really come away with me now anyway, but as son is just coming up for 9, I think him and I could have some fun in it. Also I could take trips alone It's cheap and easy accomodation. When I mentioned it to mother in law (who we're seeing in August) she suggested she's going to get a tent, and that perhaps next year we could plan a trip to meet and camp together in the lake district which is around half way between us, which would be nice. I'm not a proper camper, I like to have a bed, I've enjoyed caravanning in the past but I find towing a larger trailer stressy plus I'd need a new car. The trailer tent is really a good inbetween choice, and it has electric hook up.

I've talked myself into keeping it I think. I could probably do with the money but I'll manage without it...

well aside from todays plans it's a busy week. meditation group tonight, tomorrow I'll be busy all day making stuff with son at club. Weds I'll be seeing a friend in the morning then have job interview in the afternoon, and make stuff in the evening, Thursday I'll be making stuff in the morning, vet in the afternoon, then I'll probably take the opportunity to have a bit of an artist date on thursday pm/early evening as son will be at his Dads. I am thinking of taking a trip into nearest city to go to starbucks - which doesn't appeal at all but I want to have a look at and buy a couple of their common sized reuseable cups - so I can make fabric sleeves for them lol. I may have a hot choc and chill out tho... Then I think I'll go to the old battery in the city which is a lovely old ruin with amazing views over the harbour, sea and city. If you're lucky sometimes here you can see dolphins. I may try to see my niece as well as she lives near there. Friday I'll spend all day making stuff, Saturday I'm hoping to go visit my parents.

Phew! lot on.

Right on that note I best be off.

Have a lovely day/week everyone :)
 
minor announcement. Since I stopped having sugar in my tea, I've deliberately avoided herbal teas for a while. I've always had sugar in those as well but I thought if I left it a while perhaps I'd not need it?

I just had a cup of twinnings 'cammomile and honey' which the label says has zero carbs with no sugar :)
 
Happy 10% day to you! Me too! You have got a great handle on living and shedding weight. I also like your plan to maybe keep the trailer tent. It could be fun if you are finding it easier to put up & take down.
 
Good morning, well past few days I've really not been 100% on track albeit I still don't go mad crazy off the rails like I used to, but I do need to reign it properly back in, if I want to sts or lose on Friday. my scales went up a bit this morning but not too worried. I may just keep logging my lowest weights rather than waiting till Fridays... :D

Anyhoo. Yesterday I did get the job application all completed, and a bit of tidying done, I also got a thing printed off for daughter as she's lost her national insurance number. We went to the park, saw a friend and got heaps of shopping, hopefully enough to get us through to our week away.

Today so far I've taken son to club, posted the form for daughter and bought myself a lovely little dragonfly bracelet I spotted in the post office. It's just so very me :)

I'm having a short break catching up with my first cup of tea, then I'm going to get busy in my den, I've still not cleaned the trailer tent so I'll get that done later too. I'll be pulling up weeds that have died after being weedkilled a week past friday, but not all because far too many. I'm just going to do maybe 10 mins or so per day of that to gradually work on it. Given that I hadn't planned anything in the back garden this year - this is ahead of schedule anyway! for once.

So, plans for the day... this morning - handmade stuff, lunch probably soup and a chaffle. Afternoon, trailer tent (I'm guessing at most an hour) then back to my handmade stuff. bit of weeding, pick son up by 6pm, and in the evening clean out my tortoise house. Maybe cut fabric for clothes... I promised daughter a dress and have 2 weeks until hols! I also promised myself some summer clothes. I'll see how it goes but I need to make daughters at least. I may fast after tomorrow lunch as I'm seeing a friend. We'll see how it goes. Not sure what dinner will be yet tonight.
 
still haven't cut out clothes fabric, still not done the tortoise house... but I did much more weeding than I planned, the trailer tent is sorted out and back in place at side of house, and I made some dog bows :) that slip on to collars.

I'm chilling with the dog at the mo. I love having a dog. I picked her up the week husband was moving out and worried I'd regret it but nope, never! the kids love her too she's been so good for us.

well I'm about to get a bit busy soon. I think I'll get the tortoise house sorted out I've been procrastinating over that for too long. Then I'll want a shower probably after that. Then lunch maybe, and then get some more bits and pieces made.

I have online job interview at 1445 for care agency! I can't remember if I said but I emailed my manager the other day, I didn't want her caught unawares if she was asked for a reference, and I don't want to leave with any negative feeling. I explained everything I was doing, and why, and promised I'd give at least 4 weeks notice once I have another job. She sent a lovely email back, so at least I know I'll be leaving on good terms. If all my stuff works out I'd like to go in to do art with residents now and then as a volunteer, I used to do that before covid and things are opening up again hopefully here, we're at level 0, which I find odd, because for me that should mean NO restrictions lol but it doesn't!

It's time of the month so I'm not weighing in.

Anyhoo, I'd best get a move on!
 
I was wondering how the rest of your day had gone. I went off to do something and came back and found out. Great news that you've sorted the trailer tent and weeded. Dogs are such good company. Well ... the right dog is such good company. Hope the day goes well.
 
my dog is a little bit loopy, but we all still love her millions lol.

Tortoise house is all scrubbed out with all the bedding stuff replaced etc he looks all comfy in it.

Interview went really well, if they're telling the truth it's a great company with lots of opportunity, but I've lived in the world a while so I don't ever assume these days. They've said they'll check out my references etc and that I'm welcome to start with them anytime after those checks and new PVG is completed.

It sounds like it will fit in perfectly with my plans, so I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith. I'm not even scared... I feel like I should be after all any change is a bit of a risk, but so is not changing... Life changes all the time. Better to learn to go with the flow and see where it takes you. I've lost so much of my fears over the past few years it's amazing to me.

The down side I can't seem to stop eating crap :| mix of excitement and menstruation I think. But it needs to stop!

I've been quite lazy otherwise today, but I think scrubbing out the tortoise house, a bit of housework AND getting a new job isn't really a bad days work lol.

Ah well. Bring on tomorrow, seeing a friend in the morning, dog to the vet in the afternoon and possibly a little artist date after that although I've not yet decided 100%.
 
PS has anyone watched 'War of The Worlds'? I'm not sure where it originated but I'm watching it on Disney+ it's quite good. Not for watching when my son is about tho.
 
Morning all, well I've been busy sewing - a dress for daughter and one for me both turned out fab. I'll post a pic of mine later. I had this pattern for ages and never got around to making one as I kept thinking it probably wouldn't be flattering on me... but it is! I love it.

Daughter told me she was commenting to her boyfriend about how much weight I've lost :)

As I'm back in the thick of a run of nightshifts I'm off the scales again tho lol, but the patterns I am cutting are all 1-2 sizes smaller than last year so I'm happy enough.

This should be my last run of 5 shifts, and as daughter has work today and son is home I don't expect much sleep today, but he'll be in holiday club next 2 days so I'll catch up a bit then.

There was an agency staff member working with us night before last who works for the company I'm going to work for, so I took the opportunity to chat to her and ask about it. She raved about how great it is, everything I hoped for, so I'm really looking forwards to it now. I expect to hand in 4 weeks notice probably this week or next at the latest.

Life is definitely moving in the right direction.

For now tho... I best move in the direction of my bed and hope I can get a couple hours before son wakes up!
 
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