Deflating the Bouncy Castle
- Thread starter spangles
- Start date
teamshelley
Full Member
I miss reading Spangles' updates! x
spangles
Bouncy Castle
Hi all - sorry i've been awol so long. Hope i can explain...
so life post cambridge has been hard. my disordered eating has been an enormous battle to overcome. Funnily enough the holiday wasn't too bad. I gained half a stone, which isn't too terrible, i think, and was fairly 'in control' while i was there. but coming back... *sigh*
two weeks after the end of the holiday i had planned a big party with afternoon tea and then a big boozy 'do' in the evening. and i found it hard to get my head back in the game, which i (weakly) rationalised as being because i knew i had the big weekend coming up. but then in the couple of weeks following the party i struggled too.
there were a few 'red mist-descending' proper binges, and also almost daily secretive detours to eat the most calorific cheating thing i could think of. it was quite interesting, i think i consciously revisited each and every one of my overeating rituals, one after the other as each well-intentioned diet day fell apart at some varied point between breakfast and bedtime. I kind of hoped that if i could get one day under my belt it'd be much easier, but i was mostly very scared.
and that's why i didn't come back. i felt far too vulnerable and ashamed to tell anyone. even y'all.
anyway, as of wednesday of this week, i got that one good day. and then two, and now i'm pretty confident i'll make it to four. and so i feel ok about popping in to tell you all. but not yet ready to come back properly. it's all very fraught and i don't want to think about it too much.
i don't know the total damage, but as of this morning i'm 15lbs over target. which isn't so very bad, but of course, until i lose it, i can't go to get my referral (i never quite got there before new york). and i'm playing the long game. no matter what, i think my CD days are over. i'm massively grateful to it, i wish i'd done it years ago, and i'd recommend it - cautiously - to anyone in my old situation... but i need, for my own mental health and relationship with food, to be able to tackle the issue head on. Because how i'm eating now, 1200kcals/day... that will be it for life. the difference will be that once i'm at goal i will take weekends off. so what i'm training myself to eat now, i can't think of it as a diet. i have to train myself to think of it as normal.
i always said i'd do therapy at this point, but life has other plans and we're trying to buy a house so i can't really afford it. finally ebaying all my plus sized clothes to try and pay for the conveyancing etc, so there's certainly no spare dosh for therapy. maybe in the future.
what i have found interesting is that while i was happy with my body at a size 24, i'm suddenly repulsed by the way my body had bloated in the last month or so. which is something i've never experienced before, but on balance i think is a good thing. it's encouraging me to nip things in the bud.
anyway, that's me. i'll bugger off for now, because i still feel quite unready to read about the successes of CD, but if i can get a few more days under my belt, i'll come back, have a good old catch up, and tell you about new york.
thanks for thinking of me. i've been thinking of you. xxxx
so life post cambridge has been hard. my disordered eating has been an enormous battle to overcome. Funnily enough the holiday wasn't too bad. I gained half a stone, which isn't too terrible, i think, and was fairly 'in control' while i was there. but coming back... *sigh*
two weeks after the end of the holiday i had planned a big party with afternoon tea and then a big boozy 'do' in the evening. and i found it hard to get my head back in the game, which i (weakly) rationalised as being because i knew i had the big weekend coming up. but then in the couple of weeks following the party i struggled too.
there were a few 'red mist-descending' proper binges, and also almost daily secretive detours to eat the most calorific cheating thing i could think of. it was quite interesting, i think i consciously revisited each and every one of my overeating rituals, one after the other as each well-intentioned diet day fell apart at some varied point between breakfast and bedtime. I kind of hoped that if i could get one day under my belt it'd be much easier, but i was mostly very scared.
and that's why i didn't come back. i felt far too vulnerable and ashamed to tell anyone. even y'all.
anyway, as of wednesday of this week, i got that one good day. and then two, and now i'm pretty confident i'll make it to four. and so i feel ok about popping in to tell you all. but not yet ready to come back properly. it's all very fraught and i don't want to think about it too much.
i don't know the total damage, but as of this morning i'm 15lbs over target. which isn't so very bad, but of course, until i lose it, i can't go to get my referral (i never quite got there before new york). and i'm playing the long game. no matter what, i think my CD days are over. i'm massively grateful to it, i wish i'd done it years ago, and i'd recommend it - cautiously - to anyone in my old situation... but i need, for my own mental health and relationship with food, to be able to tackle the issue head on. Because how i'm eating now, 1200kcals/day... that will be it for life. the difference will be that once i'm at goal i will take weekends off. so what i'm training myself to eat now, i can't think of it as a diet. i have to train myself to think of it as normal.
i always said i'd do therapy at this point, but life has other plans and we're trying to buy a house so i can't really afford it. finally ebaying all my plus sized clothes to try and pay for the conveyancing etc, so there's certainly no spare dosh for therapy. maybe in the future.
what i have found interesting is that while i was happy with my body at a size 24, i'm suddenly repulsed by the way my body had bloated in the last month or so. which is something i've never experienced before, but on balance i think is a good thing. it's encouraging me to nip things in the bud.
anyway, that's me. i'll bugger off for now, because i still feel quite unready to read about the successes of CD, but if i can get a few more days under my belt, i'll come back, have a good old catch up, and tell you about new york.
thanks for thinking of me. i've been thinking of you. xxxx
bettiesrevenge
Gold Member
Hey lady!
Gosh, crappy life eh? I think its probably the Same for us all in some way. Not to pee on peoples metaphorical chips, life during the "golden age" of CD it all seems so easy. It's beyond that which is the problem. I think for me I have spent a fortune and years of my life trying to get back to 2007 which was my glory era on CD. I guess it's hard for us all.
Buying a house though! Wow! Amazing. Can't wait to hear more!
Gosh, crappy life eh? I think its probably the Same for us all in some way. Not to pee on peoples metaphorical chips, life during the "golden age" of CD it all seems so easy. It's beyond that which is the problem. I think for me I have spent a fortune and years of my life trying to get back to 2007 which was my glory era on CD. I guess it's hard for us all.
Buying a house though! Wow! Amazing. Can't wait to hear more!
BordersGirl
Feeling great in 2012!
Glad you're back Spangles. I was looking out for an update from you. You're planning pretty much what my maintenance plan is - 1200 during the week and weekends off to allow myself some alcohol and a few treats Difference is at the moment I'm doing 800 during the week and 1000 at weekends (still off the booze) to lose my last stone.
Hope you get your head back in the game - you're just so close now!
Hope you get your head back in the game - you're just so close now!
Lovely, lovely, gorgeous Spangleicious!!! It was great to see you posted after a while. Completely understand the emotions you must have gone though and are going though. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, many of us continue the battle with our relationship with food and i probably always Will.
Exciting news about house purchase and great you've got a few days under your belt.x
Exciting news about house purchase and great you've got a few days under your belt.x
alwyn
Silver Member
Good to see you back hon - I wish you all the luck in the world to finally face your food demons head on and deal with them once and for all. The fact you feel so bad after putting some weight back on is a good thing - you know you should be thinner, you want to be thinner and you know size 24 is not healthy.
Buying a house is stressful - there's lots of waiting around and feeling as though there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. I advise you concentrate solely on yourself in that time - be the best Spangles that you can be and don't succumb to the food demons.
Massive hugs
Buying a house is stressful - there's lots of waiting around and feeling as though there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. I advise you concentrate solely on yourself in that time - be the best Spangles that you can be and don't succumb to the food demons.
Massive hugs
MinnieMel
Why Be Normal?
Hi Spangles,
We've all been there and can relate. And your right - I have resisted going back on a VLCD because even though I have losing and regaining the same 1.5 to 2 stones since I was at goal (below actually) in 2008 - I do not FEEL that I am "on a diet" but in a training programme. I am trying to learn how to maintain my weight.
ATM I am using some meal replacements to
help me with keeping my calories lower, but I am also having 810/1000 meals. I am trying to maintain the water consumption and need to make fitness a part of my life for always. This is a real challenge for me.
Why don't you ask to have your diary moved to another forum: Gold, Silver or Maintenance?
We've all been there and can relate. And your right - I have resisted going back on a VLCD because even though I have losing and regaining the same 1.5 to 2 stones since I was at goal (below actually) in 2008 - I do not FEEL that I am "on a diet" but in a training programme. I am trying to learn how to maintain my weight.
ATM I am using some meal replacements to
help me with keeping my calories lower, but I am also having 810/1000 meals. I am trying to maintain the water consumption and need to make fitness a part of my life for always. This is a real challenge for me.
Why don't you ask to have your diary moved to another forum: Gold, Silver or Maintenance?
Daisy65
Silver Member
Spangles - don't feel bad - we're all struggling and know that cd will not answer all our food issues. I've been dieting for over 30 years so I've clearly failed miserably on numerous occasions! I'm actually nervous about eating food as I can easily lose control. Last year I lost 3 stones between jan and June (healthy food, exercise etc). After a month of falling off the wagon I had put on 16lbs and put on the rest by November! I don't think 15lbs is so bad - you are still a world away from where you were last year and still an inspiration.
I seem to be losing at a much slower rate than everyone else on the forum and it does sometimes make me feel that I'm slightly inadequate and on a bad week it's hard to congratulate someone for their spectacular weight loss - so I know how you feel.
I am looking forward to hearing how you get on with your 1200 diet - I think that is much harder than SS so every pound deserves more applause!
x
I seem to be losing at a much slower rate than everyone else on the forum and it does sometimes make me feel that I'm slightly inadequate and on a bad week it's hard to congratulate someone for their spectacular weight loss - so I know how you feel.
I am looking forward to hearing how you get on with your 1200 diet - I think that is much harder than SS so every pound deserves more applause!
x
Hey hun - glad to see you are back. How was the trip, everything you hoped for?
Don't worry about the ups and downs, as long as you are honest with yourself and can see when its going wrong, you can take control again. I am having the same problem getting restarted after my holiday. 1 stone to go - and its been the same stone for 2 months! What are you going to try to get back on the wagon?
Don't worry about the ups and downs, as long as you are honest with yourself and can see when its going wrong, you can take control again. I am having the same problem getting restarted after my holiday. 1 stone to go - and its been the same stone for 2 months! What are you going to try to get back on the wagon?
Rkmriddell
Gold Member
Hey. Just wanted to send you some hugs. I was around initially when you were on cd. You can and will find your way back, when you're ready. You're one of the most determined people ive met on these forums, you just need to find your headspace and when you do we will all be here x
Jelliebabe
Gold Member
Hey spangleicious good to see you again - don't feel bad remember cd is just the beginning, not the end x x x
JezVonSavage
Lost in the Supermarket
Hi Spangles, I too went awol (for 2 months!!) so I'm yet to catch up with the last 40-odd pages of your diary. Buying a house- bah, so stressful, but well worth it in the end- there is nothing like having your own four walls.
I hope you enjoyed your trip x
I hope you enjoyed your trip x
Sapphireblue
Full Member
Glad to see you're still alive if nothing else!
The struggle to not go crazy once you're off-plan is immense.
I am in a similar place in that i came up the steps due to an event or two, when ideally i should have waited at least half a stone more, and then those events meant i put on half a stone. Then i've struggled to keep it under control, and had a long weekend away where i put on another 3-4 lbs.
I'm astonished that i feel really fat due to the bloating going back to eating has caused, when i used to be soooo much bigger. It's mostly because my losing weight shopping spree was when i was at my smallest, so those clothes are a bit too tight now.
I have another weekend away next weekend, after that i am determined to stick to approx 1000kcal a day until i get back down to my lowest size. Then i need to get into the habit of 1000-1500 per day as a 'normal' amount, same as you.
The struggle to not go crazy once you're off-plan is immense.
I am in a similar place in that i came up the steps due to an event or two, when ideally i should have waited at least half a stone more, and then those events meant i put on half a stone. Then i've struggled to keep it under control, and had a long weekend away where i put on another 3-4 lbs.
I'm astonished that i feel really fat due to the bloating going back to eating has caused, when i used to be soooo much bigger. It's mostly because my losing weight shopping spree was when i was at my smallest, so those clothes are a bit too tight now.
I have another weekend away next weekend, after that i am determined to stick to approx 1000kcal a day until i get back down to my lowest size. Then i need to get into the habit of 1000-1500 per day as a 'normal' amount, same as you.
