Hi Spangles,
Have just read your entire diary, whilst using CD as an excuse to be on the sofa under a blanket for most of the day. I hope you don't mind me posting this, but it may help you, and if not, someone else who reads it. I did CD 5 years ago. I didn't find it horrific at the time as I also have chronic binge eating disorder. To be able to remove food entirely from my life was so emancipating. It was the only time I have ever been able to exhibit any self-restraint. I was a bit of a mess when I had finished (I randomly left my fiance 6 weeks before we were getting married) so I guess I never really considered that life post-CD would be different than whilst I was on it. I thought that being slim would be enough motivation for me to stay slim. I felt strong and confident and that I had just lost 6 stones on CD so why would I ever feel rubbish enough to binge eat again? What could possibly ruin my new-found confidence and resolve? Turns out, some bad news about 2 weeks later did just that. I know now that once I eat again, the same thoughts and behaviours will be there. From reading your diary I know that you already know that. I feel dumb that I honestly never did.
I am now back on CD with more weight to lose than the last time. Whilst I never wanted to do it again, my eating was so horrifically out of control I needed an immediate stop. And this was a way that I knew how. It will be my last time though. I slightly feel like I have a fresh start once I start eating again.
Anyway, a bit that may help you after that self-indulgence. I had some counselling when I was feeling up to it. It wasn't really CBT as I find I'm far too destructive for that. I was very sceptical as I thought I knew everything about when & why I binged. But actually, just talking through how I behaved with a stranger gave me insights in to how I behave and why. For example, I am perpetually disorganised. I am totally unable, for example, to do ironing the night before I need it, and instead will do it in a morning, however I would never get up earlier to deal with it. Whilst to me, this just shows how lazy I am, she actually explained that it is a way of injecting some adrenaline and excitement in to my life (will I be late). This then has a negative impact on cortisol levels etc and makes me eat. As I spend a lot of my life disorganised then being organised is one thing that helps. She also pointed out that bingeing on carbs (mine is chips, McDonalds, white bread, cheese) has a soporific effect so that it takes the edge off the stress and the bad feelings. Instead I feel sleepy and woozy.
I know now that my best chance of success lies with being organised in my life. This means I will have less rows with my boss and less portions of chips in the car on the way home. It will be hard as naturally I am disorganised, but an eating disorder is tackled, to some extent, with order. I use food as a self-punishment so improving my self-esteem also helps; setting three tasks to do per day, so that I have a sense of accomplishment. Committing to exercise (no matter how intense) three times per week. Routine and endorphins will also help. I think the key for me is not to get to the binge stage. Once I am there I don't see there being any hope to stop. I am too destructive to do anything to want to stop. Perverse as it is I want to hurt myself and change the way I feel. I get some relief from comparing it to cocaine. So I wouldn't buy cocaine from the work canteen, so why would I buy chips, which I use for the same impact. I guess it is whatever gets you through.
Apologies, I am really rambling now! I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't really care for CBT, either, but have had some success from counselling as people from a distance can identify things that you can't. Once I am done with CD then low-carb is my future. I think it is easier not to eat some things rather than trying to exercise some control. I hope some of this may have helped a little and I don't appear to be a random lunatic posting on your page.
Good luck x
Have just read your entire diary, whilst using CD as an excuse to be on the sofa under a blanket for most of the day. I hope you don't mind me posting this, but it may help you, and if not, someone else who reads it. I did CD 5 years ago. I didn't find it horrific at the time as I also have chronic binge eating disorder. To be able to remove food entirely from my life was so emancipating. It was the only time I have ever been able to exhibit any self-restraint. I was a bit of a mess when I had finished (I randomly left my fiance 6 weeks before we were getting married) so I guess I never really considered that life post-CD would be different than whilst I was on it. I thought that being slim would be enough motivation for me to stay slim. I felt strong and confident and that I had just lost 6 stones on CD so why would I ever feel rubbish enough to binge eat again? What could possibly ruin my new-found confidence and resolve? Turns out, some bad news about 2 weeks later did just that. I know now that once I eat again, the same thoughts and behaviours will be there. From reading your diary I know that you already know that. I feel dumb that I honestly never did.
I am now back on CD with more weight to lose than the last time. Whilst I never wanted to do it again, my eating was so horrifically out of control I needed an immediate stop. And this was a way that I knew how. It will be my last time though. I slightly feel like I have a fresh start once I start eating again.
Anyway, a bit that may help you after that self-indulgence. I had some counselling when I was feeling up to it. It wasn't really CBT as I find I'm far too destructive for that. I was very sceptical as I thought I knew everything about when & why I binged. But actually, just talking through how I behaved with a stranger gave me insights in to how I behave and why. For example, I am perpetually disorganised. I am totally unable, for example, to do ironing the night before I need it, and instead will do it in a morning, however I would never get up earlier to deal with it. Whilst to me, this just shows how lazy I am, she actually explained that it is a way of injecting some adrenaline and excitement in to my life (will I be late). This then has a negative impact on cortisol levels etc and makes me eat. As I spend a lot of my life disorganised then being organised is one thing that helps. She also pointed out that bingeing on carbs (mine is chips, McDonalds, white bread, cheese) has a soporific effect so that it takes the edge off the stress and the bad feelings. Instead I feel sleepy and woozy.
I know now that my best chance of success lies with being organised in my life. This means I will have less rows with my boss and less portions of chips in the car on the way home. It will be hard as naturally I am disorganised, but an eating disorder is tackled, to some extent, with order. I use food as a self-punishment so improving my self-esteem also helps; setting three tasks to do per day, so that I have a sense of accomplishment. Committing to exercise (no matter how intense) three times per week. Routine and endorphins will also help. I think the key for me is not to get to the binge stage. Once I am there I don't see there being any hope to stop. I am too destructive to do anything to want to stop. Perverse as it is I want to hurt myself and change the way I feel. I get some relief from comparing it to cocaine. So I wouldn't buy cocaine from the work canteen, so why would I buy chips, which I use for the same impact. I guess it is whatever gets you through.
Apologies, I am really rambling now! I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't really care for CBT, either, but have had some success from counselling as people from a distance can identify things that you can't. Once I am done with CD then low-carb is my future. I think it is easier not to eat some things rather than trying to exercise some control. I hope some of this may have helped a little and I don't appear to be a random lunatic posting on your page.
Good luck x
