I had a rewarding and illuminating counselling session last night. It's relevant here so will use this space as a place to record it for myself. I went in, thinking that the benefits of a general approach to counselling was not helping me with my eating, and that I wanted to stop doing this and get a 6 week (or more) over eating focused CBT course on the NHS
I started of talking about some videos I had recently seen, and that through these I had identified myself as a perfectionist and a procrastinator - that my procrastination was caused by my fears of failing to live up to my need to be perfect in all my efforts. The counsellor encouraged me to explore the roots of this need and how it affected me.
I went to school decades ago, the pressure on me to achieve was strong - as an intelligent child of professional parents a lot was expected of me. I did 'well' in primary school, always in the top three of the class. Even then I was being pushed. For example, one year when I was second in the class the comment from my teacher on my school report was that I could do better, and that I should try harder. Secondary school was a blow to my self esteem. It was a gramar school that creamed off the top performing pupils in all the primary schools in the area. In the first year we were not streamed, but in the second year we were divided into the A class and two B group, B and Beta. I was put in the second stream and stayed there for the rest of my school career. Very soon I became totally disaffected from the school and my family. I complete;y rebelled, taking many different drugs but fortunately avoiding opiates, and drinking, and spending very little time at school. I knew I was never going to be one of 'our girls' who's name was on the honours board and rejected the whole notion of education and 'success' as defined by the school and my parents.
This has had a long term knock on effect. I very much regret not going to university and it affects how I see goals. I rejected the goals that were set for me, but this has got muddled up with the goals I set for myself. Hence the rebellion and self sabotage.
I do want to lose weight, and previously I had got through periods of stress without turning to food. But as I approached to milestones that came together - half a pound to losing my first stone and another 2.5 lbs to getting into the next stone bracket I lost it. Stressful times came again, and that was the trigger on top of approaching goals that resulted in a lorry load of chocolate and other unsuitable stuffs entering my mouth. This also explains my deep deep reluctance to go back to a group where I have 'failed'. I have ingrained memories of shame, humiliation and and anger from teachers when I failed to achieve. I need to separate these memories from present reality. Understanding them and writing about it all helps. As we were finishing, my counsellor asked what happens when I make mistakes, when I 'fail'. I have bad memories of one particular incident when my son had been bullied all summer by kids in the street, that night he had been beaten up my the younger kids whilst the older teens videoed it on a phone and were talking about posting it online. Later, my brave brave son went out in the street again, and the ring leader went topush his bike into my son. I lost it, grabbed him and punched him. This was a mistake and the consequences meant that the caution I received prevents me from working in an official capacity with any vulnerable group, our house and family and my cr were regularly attacked by his whole family. I would have handled it a bit differently in retrospect, but I don't think there was a 'right' way of doing it that would have protected my boy.
Anyway, I talked about this at length and then we ran out of time. But as we finished, I was asked about more general and less serious mistakes, and what happened. I couldn't think of any but had a vision of a fiery pit opening up in the ground, and being in danger of going into it. I didn't have time to explore further but this was obviously a christian image of hell. I'll explore more next week.
For now, I understand that it is OK to accept goals, I don't need to reject them. That my shovelling food into my mouth has so many levels of intent. I am saying to my parents 'I reject your notion that being thin is the only way to be an acceptable person' I am saying to my teachers ' I reject your expectations of me, and I reject your saying I am not good enough'.
When I am fat I am me, and VERY acceptable, when I am thin I am me and VERY acceptable. I am an adult and set my own goals. Failure is also acceptable, but I do not need to make failure happen. I am me, I love myself whether or not I succeed in the goals I set myself.
I started of talking about some videos I had recently seen, and that through these I had identified myself as a perfectionist and a procrastinator - that my procrastination was caused by my fears of failing to live up to my need to be perfect in all my efforts. The counsellor encouraged me to explore the roots of this need and how it affected me.
I went to school decades ago, the pressure on me to achieve was strong - as an intelligent child of professional parents a lot was expected of me. I did 'well' in primary school, always in the top three of the class. Even then I was being pushed. For example, one year when I was second in the class the comment from my teacher on my school report was that I could do better, and that I should try harder. Secondary school was a blow to my self esteem. It was a gramar school that creamed off the top performing pupils in all the primary schools in the area. In the first year we were not streamed, but in the second year we were divided into the A class and two B group, B and Beta. I was put in the second stream and stayed there for the rest of my school career. Very soon I became totally disaffected from the school and my family. I complete;y rebelled, taking many different drugs but fortunately avoiding opiates, and drinking, and spending very little time at school. I knew I was never going to be one of 'our girls' who's name was on the honours board and rejected the whole notion of education and 'success' as defined by the school and my parents.
This has had a long term knock on effect. I very much regret not going to university and it affects how I see goals. I rejected the goals that were set for me, but this has got muddled up with the goals I set for myself. Hence the rebellion and self sabotage.
I do want to lose weight, and previously I had got through periods of stress without turning to food. But as I approached to milestones that came together - half a pound to losing my first stone and another 2.5 lbs to getting into the next stone bracket I lost it. Stressful times came again, and that was the trigger on top of approaching goals that resulted in a lorry load of chocolate and other unsuitable stuffs entering my mouth. This also explains my deep deep reluctance to go back to a group where I have 'failed'. I have ingrained memories of shame, humiliation and and anger from teachers when I failed to achieve. I need to separate these memories from present reality. Understanding them and writing about it all helps. As we were finishing, my counsellor asked what happens when I make mistakes, when I 'fail'. I have bad memories of one particular incident when my son had been bullied all summer by kids in the street, that night he had been beaten up my the younger kids whilst the older teens videoed it on a phone and were talking about posting it online. Later, my brave brave son went out in the street again, and the ring leader went topush his bike into my son. I lost it, grabbed him and punched him. This was a mistake and the consequences meant that the caution I received prevents me from working in an official capacity with any vulnerable group, our house and family and my cr were regularly attacked by his whole family. I would have handled it a bit differently in retrospect, but I don't think there was a 'right' way of doing it that would have protected my boy.
Anyway, I talked about this at length and then we ran out of time. But as we finished, I was asked about more general and less serious mistakes, and what happened. I couldn't think of any but had a vision of a fiery pit opening up in the ground, and being in danger of going into it. I didn't have time to explore further but this was obviously a christian image of hell. I'll explore more next week.
For now, I understand that it is OK to accept goals, I don't need to reject them. That my shovelling food into my mouth has so many levels of intent. I am saying to my parents 'I reject your notion that being thin is the only way to be an acceptable person' I am saying to my teachers ' I reject your expectations of me, and I reject your saying I am not good enough'.
When I am fat I am me, and VERY acceptable, when I am thin I am me and VERY acceptable. I am an adult and set my own goals. Failure is also acceptable, but I do not need to make failure happen. I am me, I love myself whether or not I succeed in the goals I set myself.
x
