Gemma's diary - all my love x

[gemma_]

I been bullied as far as I can remember, never had a 'real' friend! in infant/junior school I was fatter and tallest one in class so couldn't even hide... luckily i stopped growing so much when went up to seniors so I stayed same height whilst everyone else grew so was easier to just blend with everyone else.

Sadly everyone still noticed me, that lead me to being serverely bullied, my hair chopped off, eventually i had so many anxieties that i had panick attacks everyday that doctors thought home tutoring would be best!

I became more and more isolated by the outside world as i grew up in the area all the bullies lived!

i hated myself like physically hated myself - I used to self harm i didnt want to die i wanted to feel pain somewhere else but my heart and head, i never really thought of my weight as 'bad' i knew i was bigger but i never thought that was a reason for everyone to hate me! so i used to think i must be a bad person and thats what made my heart hurt!

like most isolated teens i turned to internet went on verious sites... I got talking to a guy (i know bad hey) i found myself telling him everything (yes i was scared was talking to a 60 year old perv and told him that thats why everytime i spoke to him he put his cam on so i knew he wasnt) he knew how i felt about myself so never asked me to - stupidity i called it as i could had been anyone! lol
I was 16 almost 17 at this stage - one day he asked to meet up- i was scared he'll see me and run and was also scared about meeting part so we both agreed to take our mums lol! I never looked at him properly i looked at ground as one look and i wont have his friendship no more! after just 30mins i left as i wanted to cry as knew he would hate me!
i got home to an email that said 'your beautiful!
anyway long story already and your bored right? to cut it short we met up alot just after my 17th birthday he helped me fill my college forms in and i was to foundation group in hairdressing (was a group of 6 people in total all from different back grounds)
he made me get so much confidence back! then at 19 we discovered i was pregnant, had beautiul baby boy.. 4 months later we discovered we was pregant again this time a girl! they was my everything but out came with stretch marks... more happier i become more i put on weight.. then i lost confidence in myself!

so here I am now 24 years old my mind back at stage one of not liking myself but this time i have an amazing fiance and 2 beautiful children as support so I hve everything to lose and more to gain!

i owe everything to Ben i have no idea where i'd be without him! he gave me so much to love and show me that kindness comes from those who are special! and the people at school - there nothing far from special that why they wasn't kind!

The reason i've wrote so much as this is my diary i've updated you on my passed so you can help me with my future

if you've read this far congratulations! :8855:

here's my starting picture:

Going to tesco one day Ben shown me a sign on the community centre next door 'slimming world' tuesday 5.30! .... that was only few days away! i was so nervous i was sick a group of people all staring at me noway! ... Ben came in with me but no-one but my consultant noticed or stared at me so I told him i'd be fine and he left!

in the following 7 weeks i joined this site and met alot of internet friends but to me you are all my real friends as no-one as ever been so kind to me and your words mean EVERYTHING! thankyou to eachand every one of you- to be reading this means you care and taking time to know me!

Thankyou for joining me on my journey!

 

[jojothejo]

Aw, how cute is it that you both took your Mums?! Bless lol. I met my partner online, no shame in it. He's a million times better than any moron I'd meet in a nightclub

I think anybody who went through school being overweight will have experienced some kind of bullying. Yours sounds so bad though, I can only hope those children have grown up and are ashamed of themselves. The best way to stick two fingers up to them now is just to be happy, which you sound like you are with your family. Also it astounds that those teachers thought the best way to deal with it was to remove you from the situation, at that age, it's only going to make you feel like it's your fault. I've had one or two friends that's happened too. It's like teenagers will target anyone who dares to be slightly different to the pack.

Also, from your picture, you're gorgeous so you've no reason to dislike yourself missy

 

[gemma_]

Aw, how cute is it that you both took your Mums?! Bless lol. I met my partner online, no shame in it. He's a million times better than any moron I'd meet in a nightclub

I think anybody who went through school being overweight will have experienced some kind of bullying. Yours sounds so bad though, I can only hope those children have grown up and are ashamed of themselves. The best way to stick two fingers up to them now is just to be happy, which you sound like you are with your family. Also it astounds that those teachers thought the best way to deal with it was to remove you from the situation, at that age, it's only going to make you feel like it's your fault. I've had one or two friends that's happened too. It's like teenagers will target anyone who dares to be slightly different to the pack.

Also, from your picture, you're gorgeous so you've no reason to dislike yourself missy

thankyou- i've moved from the area now, but when i visit family the 'bullies' are still hanging out outside the shops and still calling 1st person who looks 'different' and they must be my age aswell!
and thankyou for your kind comments x
we was only 16 when we met well i was nearlly 17 so we probably would had ever met if we didnt let our mums come! they did kind of talk to eachother.

at school and when i met ben i was maybe size 12-14 but ive always had big boobs n wore baggy clothes... which didnt help but because all the other girls were still in 'teenage' clothes and boobs wear smaller looked soo much tinier! so made me stand out and be target.

 

[Karen]

gemma, you've come to the right place. as far as the bullying, people can be utter scum and its awful that you have spent time feeling low selfworth because of them. you're gorgeous looking and obviously a strong person to battle your way forward from the things you have been through. the fact that you openly share your story is a testiment to your strength of character so it is a pleasure to 'meet' you. (im not a 60 yr old perv, honest lol)

I met my other half on the internet...my brother met his wife on the internet as well. apparently 19% of recent weddings in the UK were between couples who met on the net so we are a growing breed

a huge well done on the stone you have lost so far. lots of love and best wishes for the rest of your journey xxxxx

 

[x_stacey_x]

Your story is so touching.. I was bullied a bit, well I was always the loud mouth so pretended it never hurt my feelings but it always did.. Peoples words can hurt so much!

Im also a young mum, I have 2 children Finley who is 4 and Betsie who is 2... id love to lose weight to be able to run around more with them, tak them bike riding and stuff.. thats my main incentive to lose weight.

Hope it all goes well for you xx

 

[gemma_]

Your story is so touching.. I was bullied a bit, well I was always the loud mouth so pretended it never hurt my feelings but it always did.. Peoples words can hurt so much!

Im also a young mum, I have 2 children Finley who is 4 and Betsie who is 2... id love to lose weight to be able to run around more with them, tak them bike riding and stuff.. thats my main incentive to lose weight.

Hope it all goes well for you xx

same here! me and Ben are total opposite he as so many friends its unbelievable, and his confidence is out of this world he can be put in a room full of strangers and manage talk to them for hours! and he loves being outdoors and i've always been indoor person, but mainly coz if i go out i wouldnt be sure who i'd see. we moved away and live literally next door to biggest field ever and he brought me a bike... well :8855: i rode it for about 2mins (seriousky about that) and i felt like i was havin a heart attack! everything was hurting!.... and kids were really disapointed mummy had to go home!

tbh only really bad thing through it all that stcks in my head is somone cutting my hair in art! i grew it past my lower back and that made me feel more of a girl... and i just felt a tug like some1 pulling hair then teacher shouting my hair is so thick so only managed snip abit off themselfs but meant i had have my hair chopped to just above shoulders ....

 

[x_stacey_x]

Aww well youl be able to change that.. I cant imagine getting on a bike id be so embarressed incase I seen someone I knew lol but im going to try so hard.. I have a hell of alot to lose but im trying to take it one day at a time with no expectations otherwise I know if I put a pound on or something Ill be gutted.

Best of luck to you hun xx

 

[gemma_]

Aww well youl be able to change that.. I cant imagine getting on a bike id be so embarressed incase I seen someone I knew lol but im going to try so hard.. I have a hell of alot to lose but im trying to take it one day at a time with no expectations otherwise I know if I put a pound on or something Ill be gutted.

Best of luck to you hun xx

you dont have to say but how much you got to lose in total? .... ohh i love your hair and colour btw lol.. your really pretty

 

[gemma_]

wednesday 9th June.

Breakfast: bran flakes + semi skimmed milk (hex used remaining in coffee's)
Lunch: pepper stuffed with savory rice
Snack: mullerlite
Dinner: sw chips, egg, quorn sausage (tomato sauce weighed to 3syns)
Snack: strawberries
Drink: sc hot chocolate - 2syns

Total: 5 syns

tonight realised how determined i was, my partner was looking for hotels for weekend before my birthday (23rd dec) and my heart started racing at the thought - not because hotel but because we'll go shopping etc whilst we there and last year when we went I spent hours in hotel room crying as i didnt feel i deserved be there or with him and most shops only went up to a size 14 and i totally ruined whole romance of being there! anyway the thought of going shopping this birthday makes me excited as my goal is to be very close or at target this xmas! and shopping in shops for size 10/12 and not being scared 'its slim girls shop' and everyone will stare at me!
so im more determined than ever- i want to feel good enough or Ben and best mummy i can be to kayden and shelbie-leigh!

14lb off picture:
i couldn't tell difference then my partner said comparing pictures ive lost the weight on my back and hips

​

 

[CAPRICORN]

Hi Gemma

It speaks volumes that your old class mates are still hanging out in your local area -doing the same old thing and You have moved on and have a lovley man and 2 gorgeous children :bliss:....
I met my hubby via "best" magazine and pen pals for the forces appeal 10 years ago -heck I had to "go" all the way to kosovo to find a decent fella -he was worth the wait...he is an absolute diamond.
You are allready beautiful ...but the best of luck on your journey..with the fella of yours behind you and your determination there is nothing you won't achieve ....ooooh and my birthday is the 22nd Dec
Have a lovely day

 

[gemma_]

Hi Gemma

It speaks volumes that your old class mates are still hanging out in your local area -doing the same old thing and You have moved on and have a lovley man and 2 gorgeous children :bliss:....
I met my hubby via "best" magazine and pen pals for the forces appeal 10 years ago -heck I had to "go" all the way to kosovo to find a decent fella -he was worth the wait...he is an absolute diamond.
You are allready beautiful ...but the best of luck on your journey..with the fella of yours behind you and your determination there is nothing you won't achieve ....ooooh and my birthday is the 23rd Dec
Have a lovely day

thats lovely - how you met your fella!
and i know bout the bullies! tbh another reason why im doing diet is to get th children on the straight before school i wouldnt want either of them feeling 'overweight' and if i give them best food now hopefully they'll continue andlive healthy lifes!
thankyou for lovely compliments! I wont forget your birthday now

 

[gemma_]

Thursday 10th june (ee)

Breakfast: bran flakes + semi skimmed milk (hex)
snack: low fat jelly 0.5syns
Lunch: rice and chicken
Snack: SS snicker )made me sick 7syns
Dinner: Slimming world shepherds pie

total - 7.5syns

No more chocolate for me sadly, snickers put me off for life i've never felt so ill after chocolate! i feel a little poo today - kids been really naughty so finding myself waking up seeing to them telling them off school run picking them up getting stressed again cooking bathing cleaning then on here... think really need my holiday next week, coming just when i need it!​

 

[Kater-tater]

Ive just read through this page as ive read some of your posts and feel i relate to you and do even more now!

I was bullied at school to (im 21 now) but only for about a year, the thing that connected with me is the isolation and lack of friends. Ive never really had a true friend, it makes me feel sad inside that i find it so hard to make freinds like there must be something wrong with me and im a horrible person. I know i am not and my OH always tells me im not but it is difficult and depressing. This site really helps me and has given me more confidence in myself but i still feel lonely alot of the time now and my Bf is my best friend (other than my mum) god knows what i would do without him i would be so lonely i just cant imagine life being worth it.

We met on myspace! ha!
i just got dumped by my first bf after 2 years and just decided i need a distraction. I found his page though his ex gf (a girl i knew from school, a girl who was horrible to me) and messaged the band. The replied and we got talking. He used to be overweight and that was what i was expecting when i met him but he was so slim hed lost lots of weight. That made me feel HUGE. I coulnt see us ever being together when him being smaller than me (my ex was very tall and broad) made me feel gigantic and unattractive. I got used to it and with the help of my cooking and his love of Kinder chocolate he is more normal now and im a bit slimmer so i dont feel the diffrence at all anymore.
I lack confidence in myself no matter what anyone says nice about me so i know it will be the same for you but i jsut wanted to say you are very beautiful. And you have a lovely OH, gorgeous children and everything going for you. I look forward to watching you on your journey which i know you will succeed at, as i hope getting to a weight you are happy with will finally give you the confidence in yourself that you really should have! You seem like a lovely woman =]

 

[losc2522]

ah gemma, your story is so touching. Thanks for sharing it with us, it must have taken alot of guts to open up like that. YOUR ARE BEAUTIFUL. and dont ever forget that, and im not just saying it, its true. Your fella sounds lovely. I look fwd to reading your diary. have a fab holiday next week with your lovely family xx

 

[gemma_]

Ive just read through this page as ive read some of your posts and feel i relate to you and do even more now!

I was bullied at school to (im 21 now) but only for about a year, the thing that connected with me is the isolation and lack of friends. Ive never really had a true friend, it makes me feel sad inside that i find it so hard to make freinds like there must be something wrong with me and im a horrible person. I know i am not and my OH always tells me im not but it is difficult and depressing. This site really helps me and has given me more confidence in myself but i still feel lonely alot of the time now and my Bf is my best friend (other than my mum) god knows what i would do without him i would be so lonely i just cant imagine life being worth it.

We met on myspace! ha!
i just got dumped by my first bf after 2 years and just decided i need a distraction. I found his page though his ex gf (a girl i knew from school, a girl who was horrible to me) and messaged the band. The replied and we got talking. He used to be overweight and that was what i was expecting when i met him but he was so slim hed lost lots of weight. That made me feel HUGE. I coulnt see us ever being together when him being smaller than me (my ex was very tall and broad) made me feel gigantic and unattractive. I got used to it and with the help of my cooking and his love of Kinder chocolate he is more normal now and im a bit slimmer so i dont feel the diffrence at all anymore.
I lack confidence in myself no matter what anyone says nice about me so i know it will be the same for you but i jsut wanted to say you are very beautiful. And you have a lovely OH, gorgeous children and everything going for you. I look forward to watching you on your journey which i know you will succeed at, as i hope getting to a weight you are happy with will finally give you the confidence in yourself that you really should have! You seem like a lovely woman =]

This made me cry, anhole reason i'm sharing my story! I still don't have any friends- theres a girl I talk to but I dont trust her as she talks to my bullies from school still I think we only talk as our children go same school.
If i see anyone in street i put my head down to avoid talking so i bring it on myself i find it hard to strike a conversation and talk! but same again my boyfriend and my mum are my best friends!

my boyfriend when we met was reallllly slim and was for 1st few years, my exact words was 'we look like laurl and ardy' :8855: but after a few home cooked meals he put on loads and looked average weight but more bigger he become more bigger i did- its only now i've started losing weight.

i pushed him away once so im more than aware what my life be without him sadly (luckily was only 3 days but a very long 3 days at that) and i had to drag myself around to look after the kids was awful :cry:

thankyo for your lovely complimentsmeans alot!​

 

[Kater-tater]

Didnt mean to make you cr, you silly =]
Have a nice friday! xx

 

[gemma_]

Didnt mean to make you cr, you silly =]
Have a nice friday! xx

Not in a bad way! it just means we're normal and not alone. xx

have a brilliant weekend!

I'm not going to be on after today got loads to do tody it's childrens summer fair at school! then weekend going shopping and packing last of holiday things ​

 

[gemma_]

Sadly I wont be on for over a week now as got lots to do today with children, then weekend is busy and monday i'm off on holiday leaving access to internet at home! so I've planned next 3 days so you can see my diary still, and when I get back i'll update you all on my naughtiness LOL.

Have a great weekend/Week whatever you all are doing

Friday 11th June
Breakfast: Bran flakes and milk (Hex)
Snack: apple
Lunch: veggie stir Fry
Dinner: quorn spagetti bolognese



Saturday
Breakfast: same as above
Lunch: (shopping all day so this might be missed :cry
Dinner: Spicy wedges salad and sw bbq sauce

Sunday
Breakfast as above
Lunch: Sunday Dinner
Snack: mullerlite
Dinner: left overs from dinner​

 

[Kater-tater]

Have a good time hun, you will be missed!
Try not to be too naughty!

 

[cazzynotts]

Gemma i am touched by your story I am in your group and i think you are doing amazingly. I have also lost my first stone but really do not walk with your head to the ground you have done so well and you seem to be well focused enjoy your holiday hun with your lovely family and together we will get to our goal xx caroline. By the way read another thread of yours and yes i know which lady you are talking about in our class i lost 3lbs was so excited and she never even commentated made me feel like I had done rubbish but the normal weigh in lady is lovely loads of encouragement anyway enjoy sys x