Gemma's diary - all my love x

[gemma_]

Thankyou x

Had a lovely holiday I didn't 'diet' at all though I went thinking I would do this and that but never did! i only gained a lb, but compared how naughty I was I feel bad for other ladies in group as they seemed be really good with a treat and put on alot! I even went beach with swim suit on! that was a huge thing at that moment!

I'm getting there with confidence in group when I have to talk i tend to just look at my consultant and pretend no-one else is looking!

Me and my 'friend' seem be getting on so much better we had heart to heart and I really felt we crossed milestone (she goes group with me) but for a while she was dieting in her own way and with our passed being rocky I just got fed up! and was draining me but we seem closer than ever now (i still hold things back as shes still close with couple of bad apples)

In myself health wise I feel a little rubbish got a fractured coxic bone and it's holding me back alot ( i can walk for Engalnd) just sitting is most painful thing I do and bending down etc. I'm having alot of tummy problems aswell I keep bloating Not feeling bloated but my stomach actually looks i'm about 6 months pregnant! and of course that does nothing for self esteem.

I'm still learning how to be more social in group I find it easy as your all ther to diet but away from group I find it hard to build up and keep up a converstaion.

I been also looking for a photography college course, it's the one thing i love so much i look at things and just want to take pictures, i'd also love to do weddings etc!

Sorry giving you all life history again!

anyway today is a new day, day 1 after holiday for a fresh start in sw.
doing a green week again!

 

[gemma_]

So at group I gained 1lb bringing me further from target argh.

my dinners last few days been really plain, stayed on target had green days. made chinese chicken tonight though and was horrid! it sounded lovely in recipe i think i added too much corn flour!

I wanted a good loss this week but just began * week so im bloated and i feel rubbish and look 6 months pregnant AGAIN, i really need go doctors about it it's really annoying.

im completely and utterly bored my partners gone out with his mate my mum as kids and im home alone with dog. grrrrreat!

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

Hey you.

Iv just started reading your diary, <3 massive hugs to you.

I want you to know that despite being 'internet' friends, we are deeply care about each other here, were all in the same boat and anyone without genuine concern for one another - as far as i'm concerned- isn't welcome. Were a tight knit community here, one im so very grateful to have.

I'm one of seven, my father was a mentally unstable man- amongst other things.
He would leave for months on end for his 'other women' and return when he felt like it. A chain smoker and drug user he was far from healthy. My mother, struggles to be alone and with so many children to care for allowed him to continue this way. As it is i now have 3 step sisters that i had no idea exsisted untill last year - how many more im not sure.. i dont think i could find room for them now in my life even if there were more. Too much heartache.

As i got older, my two elder siblings moved out and as close as we all are.. got on with thier own lives.. got married, bought houses and started their own families.
I became my mother crutch. She became anorexic and eventually tried to kill herself.
We all pulled together as a family to help her get better, which she has done now.. but its been a long tough road at times.

I began to rebel, caused my family much heartache. I fell in with the wrong crowd and put
my life and health at risk many a times. I didnt have a healthy experiance and view on relationships, i didnt understand them. I thought that if someone gave me attention then that was love, and i gave them my all. I was used and became a bit of a slapper to say the least. I just wanted to be loved.

After years of being 'popular' despite being the odd one out. The fat one, the unnatractive one.. the one none of the popular boys wanted.. i had a major falling out with a 'friend'. I had trusted this friend with a very deep and hurtful secret, and in revenge she made this common knowlege. I was both incredibly hurt and embarressed, everyone knew what had happened to me. (id rather not share this, but i suspect you may all have a vague guess from whats allready been said)

Social services and child protection were involved, and eventually i left school. The school tried to support me but the damage was done and i just couldnt face the world anymore.

Finally, due to my circumstances i got msyelf into the college, i completely my GCSE's (although they are not good) and went from there.

I continued to put on weight and met a new set of friends, which is were i met my bestest and closest friend Emz. She's been my rock and is my one and only true friend. With all my underage drinking and nights out i continued to pile on weight and build on my distorted view of relationships, going from one bad one to another.

Eventually myself and emz broke away from our group of friends and found our partners. Joes been an amazing part of my life, it's been almost three years and he's been with me since the start of my weight loss journey, just like your ben. Its tough at times, all the emotional changes you go through and the hurt you cant forget. I have worked hard to allow him to help, and not to push him away. I didnt know love untill i met Joe, hes a gentleman in every way, iv never met someone who doesnt like him.. polite and relaxed, with a silly sense of humour and incredibly supportive. He treats me like a princess, and i wouldnt be were i am now without him. I would have never joined slimmingworld and stuck it out, took the leap to start hairdressing even though i was convinced they'd all be skinny and *****y (how wrong i was..) and then to tak an even bigger leap of faith and leave all i knew with hairdressing to follow a career with children, were i am truely happiest.

My beautiful best friend is now pregnant with her first and very happy with her fiance, and me and joe are in our first home.. building our life together. My relationship with my family, abliet rocky at times is even stronger and despite not having 'tonnes' of friends, iv got all i need.


Im telling you this because i want you to know your not alone, iv been there.. and iv done it. You can too. Often you compare us in our starting weights etc.. I just want you to truely believe you can be just like me now, I genuinly believe you want this, and with your family as motivation and for support i know you can do.


Always here for you hon. xx

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

Ouch, didnt realise how long my post was.. sorry!

 

[emmaleonie1984]

Arw Fern, you are a inspiration and I hope Gemma finds comfort in the words. I dont have many friends either, infact i can count on my hand the number i have here where i live. My older friends from where i used to live I dont see very much now that I have sophie, they are all still into clubbing etc. Dont feel lonely Gem, we are all in the same boat and we will reach target one day! Hope you have a nice weekend xx

 

[gemma_]

No it's fine a read every single bit! I guess there's a reason behind everyones weigh gain and behind your amazing strength get this far, thankyou for sharingI know its far ffrom easy to tell about past!
i'm so glad your in job you love now and foun joe, you really dserve it! Sorry to compare us i must sound like a stalker, reading tinngs you write it really is an inpiration though (which i hope in 2 years someone may look at me in sam way on here) reading thayou've come further emotionaly and mentally as well as physically more than i need to, and you came out better side!

to be honest weight loss scares hell out of me, deep down im scared i can't stick to it, breaking that bond between me and takeaway food and food comforts is extremly hard one 1, i want to but I don't honestly believe deep down i'll do well, I been 'fat' all my life becoming 'slim' seems a dream away!
looking at you gives me that hope if i really try then i can do it, but i'm really lazy with food, i'm just learning to cook from scratch (sad i know) thinking of buying some cook books from sw.

when i really think of career the one thing that keeps popping up in conversations withme and Ben is photography, when we have arguments i go on land next to us and take pictures of tings that look beautiful and come home in more relaxed mood, but again I don't believe i'll be any good at it.

i guess is harder breaking from past than I thought.

 

[gemma_]

With friends part I don't think any real life friends would want me lol, at first i'm really held back in myself, and i have this funny, sarcastic caring honest sence of humour and not everyone gets me!

 

[tracejovi]

What can I say??????? You girls are amazing!!!!!!! You've had such a difficult start in life but have managed to turn things around big style!!!!!! :talk017:

Who needs doctors/psychiatrists/counsellors when you've got Minimins???????

Love and hugs to everyone, and in the words of the great Mr Jon Bon Jovi - "keep The Faith" xxxxxxx:gen126:

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

haha, dont worry gem, you can be my stalker anyday gorgeous lol!

we are very simalar, i can see that too. Infact i was only looking at a very pretty picture of you and Ben when your were younger in your albums and had to do a double take.. i have the 'exact' picture, but of us next to our bed. lol


it can be incredibly difficult sometimes, to believe.. really and truely deep down. Esp if your having a bad day. I think even untill now i was scared id pile it all back on and i'd never stick to it..

however, when you suddenly realise just how far youv come, and you experiance all these new things you didnt expect to come with it all.. you realise you could never go back, you wouldnt allow yourself.. because its far scarier to think about having to start all over again. I used to be terrified i'd be one of those people who lost it all and gained it back.. or who lost a bit and got complacent and slipped back into old habits, then all of a sudden the time had passed and i was here at target.. and no matter how bad a week is food wise, it'l never be more than a week.. because i would never be able to allow myself to risk getting back to the emotional and physical state i was in. Proberly because i know i wouldnt do it all again, deep down i know i wouldnt hack starting over again, id fail. That fear keeps you at target. Honest, thats all it is.


again, always here for a chat hon.. xxxxx

 

[gemma_]

Thankyou that means everything!

I've had a really good week from holiday, i just had a cookie but havn't had all 15 syns for few days so hoping will fit into my food lol.

i'm going through stage looking at different bodies and wondering what i'll be like when lost weight, im just going for look good with clothes on as my body kinda deflated from 2 children.

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

You really cant tell, so theres no point trying to guess!

like for me, my boobs were a 38G, and i always thought id be bound by my boobs.

However, despite still being a 32FF, the massive reduction around my band means my boobs look smaller than the cup size they really are and everything (i feel) has balanced itself and i am still in proportion.

Iv been lucky with loose skin, but i have tonnes of stretch marks on my boobs, tummy, legs etc.. but they have faded to a silver colour over the past year. The only place i have ALOT of nasty loose skin is my boobs, which means my variation of low cut tops is minamal.. but i have confidence to get my legs out now, somthing i never did before.

you really cant tell, but either way youl be just as beautiful as you are now, just smaller. Dont fall into the trap of hating your body now, because otherwise youl never be truely happy even when your at target. xxxxxx

 

[cazzynotts]

Hi Gemma u did really well only putting 1lb having been on your holiday and im sure you will do fantastic this week i also suffer with thing called fibromyalgia and find it very hard to do any excercise apart from a little dog walking feel about 80 years old most mornings anyway fingers crossed for this week im hoping for at least a 1lb been really good again x

 

[gemma_]

Hi Gemma u did really well only putting 1lb having been on your holiday and im sure you will do fantastic this week i also suffer with thing called fibromyalgia and find it very hard to do any excercise apart from a little dog walking feel about 80 years old most mornings anyway fingers crossed for this week im hoping for at least a 1lb been really good again x

good luck x

 

[gemma_]

Wedneday (Green)
Breakfast : 28gbran flakes +semi skimmed milk (he A+B) used remain of milk in coffee's.
Snack: apple
Lunch: stuffed pepper with savoury rice + cheese HeA
Snack: Mullerlite
Dinner: quorn chicken - nasty Boiled potatos and sweetcorn and gravy 2syns
Weight watches cornetto - 6syns
2 oreos cant find syns ​

 

[gemma_]

thought seen as ths i my life diary as well as now becoming food diary i'll add some holiday pics (1 stone lighter than first picture in this thread)

me only full body pic can find to compare

My children

me and my hun

 

[emmaleonie1984]

Hi Gem lovely pictures, does it make you feel better to see the stone gone? keep going hun xx

 

[gemma_]

yea even after a stone i've got much more confidence, i think its in my head as i know im losing weight.