Gg

[Goreygirl]

Went to bed feeling good yesterday as it was the first weekend in ages that I had felt in control. I laid out my gym gear for this morning and set the alarm for 7. The plan was to start Day 1 of the Couch to 5k - C25K Running Program programme. I then had Pilates (1st class) at 11.30, cats to the vets for 2.15 and then hypnotherapy at 4.30 with nothing but driving in between back and forth from the various locations.

The alarm went off and I got up to feed the cats and then went back to bed as it was raining. I "told" myself I'd set the alarm for 8 and see what it was like then and if still raining I'd go to the gym instead and would still have plenty of time to get to the class. FATAL MISTAKE... I realise now that is bargaining with my "negative/addict self" aka the Gremlin and the Gremlin always wins! And before you know it it's 9am and I'm stil in bed and setting the alarm for 10! At this stage the "Gremlin" was also whispering to me about how cosy I was in bed and how I could lie there and read my book and skip Pilates. But the psychotherapy must be working I guess because instead of giving in I started feeling a bit edgy and couldn't settle and then just seemed to accept that staying in bed may feel nice "right then" but that going to Pilates would make me feel so much better for longer and on a much deeper level (self-esteem). So I went. The room it's on is beside a gorgeous cafe in an old stone country house with no surround houses for acres. The cafe is very rustic .. some of the tables are huge slabs of oak, others glass mosaic topped, others old kitchen tables. Candles are everywhere as are little intererting nick-nacks. It's a 20 minute drive from me but while I was sitting there before the class having some water I realised how peaceful it feels. There was some very light jazz playing in the background and the atmosphere was very positive for some reason. I think I'll make sure I spend some time there more often. If I'm feeling down during the day just grab my journal and hop in the car to head there, curl up on a sofa and write.

I really really enjoyed the class and am so pleased I went. While I was waiting for the class I was trying to work out what was underneath the desire to stay in bed. Was it avoidance of reality? Was it reluctance to shake of the old comfort blanket? Is it because I think exercise makes me aware of how my body is the enemy even though the reality is that when I am doing it I realise my body is getting stronger, fitter. Am I so disconnected from my body that I automatically assign it the enemy role out of habit?

I also had hypnotherapy today to help with motivation in the mornings. The therapist planted the thought/belief that when I wake up in the mornings I will get up and get active because it feels pleasurable.

Sitting here tonight I feel calm and know that I have made positive choices today. I found new ways to deal with old situations and the outcomes have made me feel more positive than the old solutions I used to use which used to just cause me to feel worse about myself.

 

[GalwayMum]

I'm very proud of you, doll! Welld one on the positivity and acting on what you know and feel is the best hting for you.

I, on the ohter hand, had a really rotten day (not food wise, just generally) so I've not had a chance to write back but I will when I get my head clear...the work issue has me really aggro atm...

Write tomorrow or when I'm less snappy and agitated.

 

[Goreygirl]

So a bit of a wierd day all round. I feel a bit drained at the moment but not neccessarily in a bad way. Was up at 8 to do my first training run of the 9 week programme and it went well. I have to work at "staying in the moment" though as I noticed I was thinking ahead all the time in a negative way e.g. is the next bit going to be harder? My thoughts really flew ahead so I tried to focus on listening to my music and seeing the trees etc (I was running in the local town park.. round and round in laps). I might run on the road on Thursday because at least that way the scenery will be continuously changing and then I'll have a decent walk back as extra exercise.


I then had therapy (weekly session) at 10:00 - the topic this week mainly centred around how I use dysfunctional behaviours to allow me to disconnect emotionally. The underlying core beliefs of these dysfunctional behaviours are:

• I am basically a bad unworthy person.
• No-one would love me if they really knew me (therefore I distract with sexual behaviour or leave people incl. friends before they discover the real me and leave me).
• My needs are never going to be met if I depend on others.

All the above feed the need to hide the real me; the fear that I cannot be honest about who I am. The 3rd one in particular feeds the need for secrecy; I cannot tell others how I feel inside so I hide it.

We talked about a past OH who still texts me occasionally. He lives with his current partner and their child - we broke up when he found out she'd had this child without telling him - the child was 4 when we found out he existed - at the time I made excuses for his turning away from me but now I can see if it wasn't that it would have been something else. Since then there's been continuing contact and I buried what I felt about the break-up deep down but now I realise I felt very abandoned. I have also realised that I am his "fall-back" girl; the one he contacts when he wants an ego stroke .. an emotional booty call if you will... when he needs an escape from his current reality/relationship (which I understand is fractious) he fantasises about what could have been with me. What keeps me hooked is the feeding of my "ego"; I was cast into the "fixer" role by my family at an early age and I have carried that role into every aspect of my life since and made it the core of how I validated myself. So with him I wanted validation for all the effort I had put into him (I had counselled him, helped him through his mum's death, listened to him moan etc) and I keep hanging around to see a return on my "investment". What that return would be I have no idea - but something that would make me feel validated, make me feel worthy. And as long as he "withheld" that validation I kept coming back for it. Now I accept that I have to validate (love) myself - that I cannot seek that from an external source. That's a scary propostion because I have grown up with this dysfunctional behaviour so it's been part of me for a long time. At the moment he wants me to meet him in the NY when I am in the UK visiting friends but I have decided to go No Contact with him (No Contact Rule | Baggage Reclaim). It's what's best for me and that's what I am working on at the moment.

I feel I am so lucky to have found this particular therapist because I am finally learning to love myself. I am beginning to accept that I can just be... and that people will love me just for that; that I don't need to "do/fix" to earn their love.

It's a process (and will likely be a long-term one) but the more I understand and be aware of my dysfunctions the better I can learn alternative healthier beliefs and values.

I came out of therapy and went to a lovely cafe to write in my journal. I made the mistake of telling myself that as milk is allowed on SS+ I could have a small latte while I was there. I then had some errands to run and was busy for the next 4 hours and then found myself picking up a bar of chocolate in Tescos. I ate it and realise now that giving myself "permission" for the latte opened the door for the chocolate. I was tired and emotional and deflected some of that with the "treats" rather than just allowing myself to accept that I had a right to be drained after the hard work I'd done in therapy this morning. I am so used to "silencing" myself with food I guess it's a hard habit to break. I really have to remind myself that every thought about "treats" needs to be treated with suspicion. But I guess it's all a learning curve.

 

[rumbly-tums]

just checking in darling, any new pics for me to do yet? Im going to do new ones tonight even though I am bleeding knackered

 

[Goreygirl]

10:00pm

Today I feel fairly calm Got up for my morning exercise (45 minute walk in MBTs) and can feel it in my butt and thighs now. Then had a lovely morning wandering shops with a friend for some new cushion covers etc. Thinking back to even 5 months ago when getting dressed even was a huge battle being able to get up out of bed, go for a walk, and be out the door by 9am to drive for an hour to see a friend is a huge milestone and accomplishment for me!

I'm still No Contact with my ex; he was supposed to text on Monday night with dates to meet but didn't and I find I am neither suprised or concerned. I feel liberated with my decision.

I pulled into the garage on the way home from my friends to use the loo but couldn't find the toilet so I found myself buying a bar of choc to ask the counterstaff where the toilet was. I have no idea where it came from. Was it the old "reward" system because I'd done so well? Will have to think about that one. I nearly didn't write it here but I am done with "secret" eating. I have to own up to it to myself at least.

 

[Chelle x]

Hi GG, hope you don't mind me joining you here.

I've just read a few of your posts and find myself nodding at so many things you've written. I have been fighting my own demons regarding diet, self esteem, relationships etc etc so it's very interesting hearing about the professional therapy you're undergoing.

It's late so I'm heading to bed but I will be back to read through your posts on this thread...I hope that's okay with you.

Thanks for sharing

x

 

[Goreygirl]

So 9lbs down today which is great but on the way home I began to feel like I wanted some chocolate as a treat. I'm still fighting the desire and hoping to make me through the evening.

Re-reading my last posts about eating chocolate one thing I realised was that I had not really tried to face the reality of what I was feeling the last few days. One of the early techniques my CDC and therapist told me about was H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired): A Self-Care Tool ~ Gudrun Zomerland, MFT. I now realise that on both days I was physically and emotionally tired. Therapy the last few weeks has been particularly thought provoking and analytical and that is draining. I'm feeling like I'm being deconstructed as a person to search for those few cracked "cogs" and having to rebuild myself after repairing those cogs. It's changed (and is changing) how I interact with people, how I view my past etc. I'm having to take action where before I ignored my "intuition" and buried those uncomfortable feelings with food etc. I'm having to "clean house" psychologically and emotionally and at times I still want to hide from that. Part of my continuing problem is how hard I am on myself... I forget that this is a journey with many stops and at times expect the last stop to be the last one. And when I do that I find I put the "suit" on again .. the one I used to hide behind where I'd pretend to myself and everyone that I was OK. And it's when I do that that the old dysfunctions can recurr - although I am getting better at recognising that and halting it.

I'm also out and about more as part of the CBT self help for my depression - and although this is easier than 5 months ago it still takes a certain amount of mental effort.

So I have to work harder at recognising how I feel and then addressing those feelings.

 

[Moleymole]

wow 9lb on week 8 is fantastic !!!

 

[Rae Rae]

Wow, 9 pounds is amazin,u must be so pleased with yourself.

Well done!

 

[Chelle x]

(Thursday 18 November)

So I had my CDC visit today. I've put up a pound from the binge but I'm not bothered about that; I'm more focused on just working the plan and I'm going to let the numbers take care of themselves.

As a lot of you already know, but for those who don't, I am working CD as an addiction recovery process. Addiction behaviours also show up in my relationships, my behaviours around money and my sex life in various degrees (watch this space, it could be more!! I'm only half way through the PROMIS cross addiction questionaire; have 8 more areas to go!)

As with any substance abuse it took more and more food (drug) to try and get that "high" that I was chasing. My CDC has a background in addictions therapy so is being really helpful although is careful to make sure she retains a "support" role and leaves my therapist as my primary therapist (originally started seeing him for depression and oooh.. what a can Pandora's box we opened! Who knew I was an addict?? )

Anyway the topic today was my recent spectacular leap off the wagon and we tried to trace back where the "pre-occupation" began i.e. where my addict self began to take over from my sober-self. Addiction theory believes that if you can prevent pre-occupation your sober self stays in control ... once pre-occupation has become established nothing on earth is going to change the outcome...that drug is going to be used.

So I talked back the timeline of the last week to 10 days and identified the increasing stress I was feeling e.g. job issues, extended family issues (I want to move my Mum's ashes and her siblings are going to go mental if I do), relationship issue etc. We worked out how as I was working to avoid food I had slipped unknowingly into my sex addictive behaviours (although I dressed it up as something else). But deep down my sober self was trying to fight back so I became more uncomfortable with this cross addictive behaviour which caused more stress. I then had an ex pop his head up and start trying to use me as a shoulder to cry on and giving me all the "where would we be if X, Y, Z hadn't happened.... would we be married with kids... I still love you.... need to talk to you about my future...." etc..

So over the weekend I dealt one by one with all those issues and felt great doing it! As part of the weekend I took my sister to a hotel spa on Saturday and treated us both to a spa package. After that we went to lunch in a lovely local cafe (well she ate and I had coffee). She said when we were there that she'd completely forgotten about my CD and felt terrible for eating in front of me so I reassured her I was fine and it was OK and I was grand with my coffee and fizzy water. We then went back to her house (I was driving) and I stayed through dinner and X-Factor (with my shakes) and then I drove home.... and on Sunday the binging began! 5 takeaways, 4 choc desserts and 4 pints of ice-cream (including one for breakfast at 7.30 on Tuesday morning!) later I "came to" and sober self re-emerged.

So my CDC was giving me loads of positive feedback on dealing with the emotional stuff bit by bit, working through it and recognising the dysfunctional behaviours and correcting them. She then asked me what my reward was to myself for doing all this and I said "the spa"... but she pointed out that this had already been booked and asked me had I acknowledged to myself and commended myself for my positive coping strategies emerging. Of course I hadn't .. thought had never even occured to me! All I saw was the bad stuff and all I felt was the disgust about what I had nearly done. We paused for a moment to allow me to absorb that and then we moved on to lunch with my sister. She asked "so your conscious self was happy to sit there and have no food to finish off your bonding experience with your sister... .but what was your subconscious addict saying"... and there was the other starting point. I (we) work hard at CD! It has an impact on us every day particularly in social circumstances. For those of us with emotional issues with food it's bloody hard work to deal with those on a day to day basis ..... and my sister (not intentionally and this is not about "blame") said to me "I forgot you weren't eating" as she tucked into a panini! So essentially my addict self said "bollocks to that for a game of soldiers!! If no one is going to acknowledge all this positive hard work being done then neither am I.... food where are you???".

So the pre-occupation had been building for a few days and then coming home to a cold dark house on Saturday night was the final straw. Subconsciously the decision to call for takeaway on Sunday afternoon was made long long before I pulled the curtains in the sitting room, settled on the sofa and reached for the phone. That part was inevitable and those actions (sofa, curtains etc) are just part of my "ritual" and re-enfore the addict self's power.

(BTW I'm just writing this as it pops into my head so apologies if it doesn't read well; my fingers are just going on the keyboard).

So one of my exercises is a thing called "Problem solving and non-addictive ways of managing stress" which works to train my mind to learn how to identify the problem, clarify the problem, come up with a few alternative solutions and then examine the alternatives on offer with a focus on "what are the consequences". This will help me develop good judgement as it is possible to predict the consequences of most actions before hand (if you take a moment to pause and work through the process).

The other exercise is a "relapse calender"; I have to use the prompts on the sheet she gave me to track back the timeline to accurately reconstruct the sequence of the relapse. Once I know the "truth" of my relapse history it will be easier to deal with and avoid in the future (fingers crossed).

So that's where I am at the moment..... back to working the programme and trying to strengthen my "sober self".

If anyone would like these exercises I'd be happy to scan in the documents she gave me and send them to you.

Hi hun,

Hope you don't mind me quoting this from 5 days ago but it's very interesting to me....

Like you, I have always planned my binges and consciously shop in advance, selecting all 'naughty' items that I won't normally allow myself as I can't be trusted with them. I then put them in the cupboard (if there are people round), or keep them hidden elsewhere in readiness for consuming later. I like to buy full fat drinks too (I normally only drink water or diet drink) and will swig as much as I can in between eating.

This is the tip of the iceberg for me and there are many other ways I behave that I don't think are 'normal'.

I have a tendancy to over analyse every aspect of my life which has caused me so much stress it's ridiculous.

I could go on and on but I'll stop here today. I would be grateful if you could send me the excercises you mention above though and hopefully I will get a better understanding of my own issues.

I wanted to ask you a question though and will fully understand if you don't answer as this is very personal....do you ever purge food?

Hope I've not been too forward hun, I'll be back to continue reading this journal later as it's very insightful for me.

x

 

[Goreygirl]

Hi Chelle.

It's not being forward at all. My instant reaction was to say "no, i've never purged" but then I realised I have in a way. On a couple of occasions I haven't been able to sleep because of the pain in my stomach from the binge so I've made myself sick to ease the pain in the middle of the night. But i've never "purged" in the classic sense of the word of going in after the binge to try and expel it all. Splitting hairs? Maybe. I guess I always was able to convince myself I didn't really have an eating disorder if I didn't purge.. but I was aware that the thought of doing so was beginning to cross my mind more and more this summer before I started CD.

I'll scan those documents in tonight/tomorrow and send them to you.

 

[Goreygirl]

Lonely lonely lonely and empty empty empty is how I've realised I feel at the moment and the last few days. I've been (via therapy) letting go of a lot emotionally and practically over the last couple of weeks (the dream of re-uniting with my Mum's brother and his family, the old me who had pseudo-relationships with blokes in an attempt to feel connected with people while avoiding true emotional intimacy, the workaholic me who felt I could never show weakness to others and had to be seen to be perfect.......). I feel sad too I realise for the person I was .... she never really had a chance I realise because she was never given the proper tools as a young child... she learnt a dysfunctional version of love based in fear, distance, drama and abandonment.

This is why I've been eating chocolate the last 2 days; because of that empty feeling .... wanting to fill the hole.. distract myself. Now I realise that I can stop.

 

[Rae Rae]

Gg, i admire u for bein so honest.

Therapy must unlock a lot of doors for u+ur dealin with it the way a lot of us do by comfort eating. Is there anything else u can seek comfort in other than eating?i know its hard,ive done it all my life bt need to find other ways to deal with emotions+experiences.

Hope u feel a lot better today,keep ur chin up.

 

[Goreygirl]

Thanks Rae Rae

6 months ago I didn't even know how to name the feelings/emotions I was experiencing so I'm making real progress. And the binges that used to be so "comforting" are becoming more and more "uncomfortable". My therapist says that AA have a saying that a headful of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix ... and I'm finding the same ... a head full of CD (and therapy) and a belly full of food aren't mixing. I can't loose myself in the binges anymore because I find I start questionning the why. The stuff about feeling lonely hit me in the early hours of this morning and now I have acknowledged that to myself I am feeling so much better I've been to the gym and rather than wallowing in the bad feelings I'm acknowledging them but am also putting them in perspective. Onwards and upwards

 

[Rae Rae]

U sound a lot more positive than u did in ur earlier post.

Well done u for goin to the gym,ur focusing more on getting 'better' and helping urself. I truly believe ive got a food addiction+a lot of people dont understand that. I think its great that u acknowledge whats goin on in ur life+ can identify whats goin on in your life+why u turn to food. I ate for the sake of eating,boredom,stress,comfort+happiness. Its so hard to try+break that cycle bt we will get there in time.

 

[Rae Rae]

U sound a lot more positive than u did in ur earlier post.

Well done u for goin to the gym,ur focusing more on getting 'better' and helping urself. I truly believe ive got a food addiction+a lot of people dont understand that. I think its great that u acknowledge whats goin on in ur life+ can identify whats goin on in your life+why u turn to food. I ate for the sake of eating,boredom,stress,comfort+happiness. Its so hard to try+break that cycle bt we will get there in time.

 

[Goreygirl]

Document for Chelle

Hi Chelle

Here's one of the exercises. I'll try to get the others to you ASAP.

 

[Goreygirl]

So i've taken the plunge and contacted a nearby basketball team to ask if their senior women's team takes beginners in their 30s. I'm hoping they do because it would be a "2 birds with 1 stone" thing.... socialising and exercise at the same time

 

[Rae Rae]

Go for it,it'l be a great thing for u....exercising and makin new friends.

 

[Chelle x]

Hi Chelle

Here's one of the exercises. I'll try to get the others to you ASAP.

Sorry please ignore my PM I've just seen this....thanks hun, I'll have a read and let you know what I think