Giving it a shot

[KD]

Hiya Cateka

On the plus side... purgeing is becoming less frequent, it still happens almost every day, but usually only once. This is beautiful. I'm hoping to start dropping days in a row soon.

Wouldn't that be great! Take it one moment at a time.

I know you don't like the advice from 'the experts' that you've seen in the past, but do you think, if you really search deep inside yourself, that you don't like their advice because it goes against what your illness wants....to lose weight?

Personally, I think it will be really hard to sort out your bulimia while weight loss is such a priority for you.

I think you want to 'cure' the bulimia, without risking a gain on the scales, and the two things will work against each other.

So what do you really want? Sort out the issues, or be super skinny? I just don't think you can do them both together because the weight loss is part of the illness.

 

[KD]

I think you want to 'cure' the bulimia,

Or perhaps better rephrased as you want to get control of the bulimia.

 

[cateka]

Hiya Cateka


So what do you really want? Sort out the issues, or be super skinny? I just don't think you can do them both together because the weight loss is part of the illness.

I have thought about this a few times. You are right, so right, and I recognise that. The desire to be super-thin is like being 'tied up', I hate it but I can't get away from it. I want to recover but letting go of the weight loss is as scary as sawing off one of your legs. Even the thought of doing it sends alarm bells off in my head.

I had a long talk with my doctor the other day and she told me she was making a diagnosis of EDNOS instead of bulimia nervosa because I am apparantly very malnurished and underweight which is a more prominent symptom of anorexia nervosa, so its a bit of both.
Having spoken to her for a while she told me that my underlying problem might be that I am obsessed with being perfect, and I won't let myself be anything less. She cited my having breakdowns because I didn't do my gym routine, ate a cookie, forgot to hoover, can't remember all of my college books back to front etc as being evidence of this.
Tonight I am going to try and draw a diagram of where there are problems in my life and try to look at them logically instead of breaking down.
I study atypical psychology at college and Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy is apparantly based on the idea that if you question your self-hating irrational thoughts head on then you might realise they have no basis and recover. It makes sense to me. I think I just need to get the thoughts down on paper instead of having them jumbled up in my head.

Hopefully one of these days soon, that voice in my head will 'see the light' and switch off. I know what I want but I just can't seem to let go

 

[KD]

I want to recover but letting go of the weight loss is as scary as sawing off one of your legs. Even the thought of doing it sends alarm bells off in my head.

I can really understand that.

I had a long talk with my doctor the other day and she told me she was making a diagnosis of EDNOS instead of bulimia nervosa

That certainly sounds more applicable. We are all different and it's hard to label with just one 'name'. I know I have BED, compulsive eating with a little bit of emotional eating for good measure.

I like to think I'm in remission now, rather than cured otherwise I will be terribly disappointed if I have another 'episode' (no binges, compulsive eating nor emotional eating for 12 months now ) I also believe that I can stay in remission for as long as I want. That's the way I deal with it. Choices. Works for me, but we have to find the way that works for us as individuals.

I study atypical psychology at college and Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy is apparantly based on the idea that if you question your self-hating irrational thoughts head on then you might realise they have no basis and recover. It makes sense to me. I think I just need to get the thoughts down on paper instead of having them jumbled up in my head.

Yes, it really helps to write it down. Use the old reticular activating system

I know that I'm a perfectionist. I've been able to work on accepting imperfection as far as the weight/food issues go.

I found, after time and practice that I could disassociate myself from the 'illness'. I could look on it as the disorder at work, rather than logic.

There is no way that I could truly believe that I don't look crap, am fat, ugly blah blah, but I can now accept that to deal with the disorder, I have to accept that I may just be wrong

In simplistic terms, rather like wearing a blue sweater that everyone insists is brown. Doesn't matter how much I believe it's blue, I would have to get into a place where I must accept that maybe I'm wrong and it is brown after all....so put it with clothes that go with brown, even if that looks wrong to me. Act as if it's brown so to speak.

I found 'act as if' an incredible tool. Act as if I am a normal eater. Act as if I'm slim. You know....could almost believe it myself

Anyway, only relating personal experience here, in no way am I trying to advise. I'm not qualified to do so and your disorder is different.

You'll find your answer if you keep searching. I hope it's will be an answer that keeps you both healthy and happy

 

[cateka]

Oh my goodness everyone... look what I did today...

Breakfast :
40g bran with soya milk

Snack:
Apple

Lunch:
Small salad; beans, 1/4 boiled egg, lettuce, potato salad, carrot, cottage cheese, cucumber.

This is AMAZING, look how much protein I've eaten! And I got lots of carbs too. And I kept it all down, and did not binge one tiny little bit I also would like to point out it only took 2 caffine drinks to keep me on track.
The salad I admit was not very much as it was smaller than the size of my fist, and I only put TINY bits of high carb/dairy in it while putting loads of lettuce, carrots and cucumber in, but I kept it all down And I ENJOYED it

I might actually make it through the whole day. I know these are really little things but they are amazing for me.
Today, two of my college lessons were cancelled so I have actually been working unsupervised in college for 5 hours now, without getting bored/bingeing, a miracle!

I am so looking forward to the gym later too

 

[BBlilsis]

Hi Cateka, wow what a lovely positive day your having, keep it up missus, we're here for ya :gen126:

 

[cateka]

Day three of no bingeing/purgeing.
That prozac did me some good

 

[susan70]

well done hunni.xx

 

[BBlilsis]

Day three of no bingeing/purgeing.
That prozac did me some good

Well done Cateka, I'm really proud of ya, are you talking to anybody in the real world, cuz medication only masks the emotions it don't deal with them

 

[nexangelus]

Keep going, one day at a time...I know it's a struggle, I face it every day too, stressors and triggers, etc...just live in the moment and take baby steps...

 

[Georgiestar]

hiya, I have suffered from a emotional breakdown too except mine wasnt an eating disorder, I was just a bit stressed and upset, this caused me to hear voices and things, the mind can do strange things at times,
keep posting on this diary and I sugest you find help by seeing a councilor as this will help you confront how you feel and will help you let go of your fear about food and I dont think food is just the issue maybe its something else like with your family or something.

 

[cateka]

Thank you for all the praise everybody! I'm not getting a lot of reinforcement in the 'real' world so to speak.

Oh dear Georgiestar, I'm sorry, did you have schizophrenia? I unfortunately don't really seem to be able to keep appointments with my psychiatrist but I always have a nice chat with my GP everytime I see her. We both seem to think that my mothers behaviour is whats triggering it - she never reinforces me for anything, and it seems nothing I do is good enough. I think I do my best, getting straight As in college, doing lots of chores at home, never backchatting, working as a care assistant etc.
Doc thinks this inspired some underlying obsession with being perfect in me. Something to think about.

 

[nexangelus]

Sounds familiar cateka, the perfection thing. I was a straight A student and everyone expected me to go onto being a prefect in highschool and have loads of academic achievements under my belt (in those days at my school it was the white blazer!) but I didn't and this weird push for perfection from the outside (my mother was slightly OCD and everything had its place and if I didn't clean up to scratch I had to do it all over again, etc) somehow made me want to control things for myself and that is where the obsession with weight began...this was a small part of the start of my real eating disorders...

You seem to be more calm and doing it a day at a time which is always best. From bingeing and purging just about every day (sometimes I would purge after every meal or after I had eaten anything which could be up to six times per day) I am pretty steady on having a wobbly moment perhaps once or twice a month, if that, so it does get better, it just takes time. Getting out of the habit of purging too, as it does become a habit and almost automatic, even though it is so awful...

Keep it up, your health and wonderful life are so worth it!

 

[Georgiestar]

yeah I thought there was some other underlining problem with your family, it sounds like they dont understand your dipression and things, you just have to keep positive really and just keep in mind that you can get over it but you have to have the will power to do it and be in the right frame of mind.

I don't have schitzophrenia, they just called it a phycotic illness, I went in hospital for a time, I now live in like a residential place, but its not, I chose to be here and it gives me independance and I live with nice housemates now, and it gives me a chance to move on look for work ,I was better off living withought my family, because my mum died when I was 17 and my dad remaried really quickly and I just wasnt happy living at home and his wife suffered from dipression too and she wasnt that nice.

I'm telling you this because there is still a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[cateka]

Hey guys, its been a while, so here's an update.

I am hit by another crisis - my auntie died last week. It was such a shock and she didn't deserve to die at all, she lived a very healthy lifestyle and was always very good to everyone, she could never pass a homeless person in a street, not only did she give them money but she came down to their level and looked them straight in the eye. Two years ago she had a stroke that left her partially paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. This year she was diagnosed with breast cancer but told the doctor could not operate on account of her being paralyzed, that it was far too dangerous. Thus the cancer spread around her whole body and killed her very slowly and painfully.

As you can tell this whole situtation has left me feeling very bitter, and I have relapsed horribly. I am trying very hard this week but with little success. I seem to be having a crisis of meaning about everything (see my "Mad, bad and sad." thread).

I'm trying hard to get things back on track but everything seems futile now. The drugs aren't really working anymore so my dosage with probably have to be increased. I'm not sure if I want that, I don't think it will work. I'm feeling very under the weather right now. I'm not really sure where to go from here...

 

[nexangelus]

Thinking of you cateka and sorry for your loss...times of stress do trigger the addictive behaviour, it is a coping mechanism we seem to have latched onto...just take each hour as it comes and go from there...it's not futile...it will get better...little steps...

 

[cateka]

Okay... its been an eventful few weeks. I seem to finally be coming to terms with my aunty's death, I still think its awful that it happened to her, so undeserved, but whats done is done. I have not been good by any means - no sooner was I starting to get over her death then I found out my pet cat has an inoperable brain tumour so he shall be biting the dust pretty soon also. My binge/purge cycle got out of control again, predictably.

Still, I finally have taken a new approach to life - I am really getting into my running now. This week, for the first time ever, I finally managed to run (run! not jog!) 5k in under 30 minutes! Not that I found it easy or anything, I really had to push myself and only had 20 seconds spare, but I never imagined I could really do it! Now that I know it is possible, I plan to practice it so much that it becomes second nature to me. Hopefully I will be able to do it outside off a treadmill. If I can... logically this means I can complete the race for life in less than 30 minutes

This has given me a whole new lease on life. I love to run so very much, it is so exhilirating and there is more to my life than food now.
I've even managed the odd day or two without purgeing, and my binges are shrinking every time!

Everyone up and run! Life's too short to miss out on this euphoria!

 

[nexangelus]

Great idea Cateka, I am running as well as other things and it really has cut down on my binge/purge/starve urges...I still get the odd twinge, especially when I eat certain foods, but it is sooo much better now...it takes time and patience...and I know you will overcome this, you are so strong! Sorry to hear about your cat...positive vibes being sent your way...

 

[cateka]

Hey everyone, thanks for all your support, things have really improved.
I am not 'cured', dear god, nothing close to it but my life has become a lot happier. Firstly, due to some good drugs and lots of TLC my cat's brain tumour has miraculously stopped bothering him, he has gotten a lot of movement back in his legs and is now back on the prowl. The vet has given him not more than a year or so, but if he's happy, I'm happy. I really feel a lot better about my auntie now, still sad obviously but its no longer strangling my will to live.
I am having so much fun at the gym I really miss it when I don't go and it is stimulating me to eat properly too - finally my body seems to have made the connection that if no food is eaten all day, no fun will be had at the gym!
Day by day, I am going longer without bingeing or purgeing. It still happens quite frequently (Easter made me collapse on more than one occasion) but doing it every day is a distant memory.
I started reading a Buddhist translation recently by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso and that really inspired me to - if you begin to cherish the kindness of everybody around you, you begin to look out for yourself a lot more, then you can be kind back.
Sometimes I have so much energy I just want to jump around and laugh, I really missed these days, (almost) gone are the days when I had to work for ages at summoning the energy to just STAND.
Now I have my energy back I can do all the things I love. I play Tom Waits songs on my keyboard, Mozart songs on my harp, I watch beautiful foreign cinema, read wonderful literature and make bizarre works of art. Crazily enough even my revision seems to be going well too.
I seem to do so many happy things with my boyfriend - we play video games together, talk about nothing and everything and (having bought a bag of 'Bucks instant) we are working on becoming coffee snobs
I've just come out of a reaaaaally long period of persistant depression which has lasted about 6 months. Even though I did have some good times when I didn't purge I was never really happy. Finally that black cloud above me seems to be breaking up.
I don't feel overly-dependant on things either, if I have a fight with someone, loose something, get injured and can't do much, its a drag of course, but no need to head for the toilet.
I don't even weigh myself that often anymore
Thank you everyone again for the help, that black cloud seems to be finally breaking up.

Now I am off to tune my harp, watch Scorsesse's "I am Cuba" and finish reading a scary distopia novel by J.G. Ballard.

And to all a good night

 

[nexangelus]

Phew, seems the balance is getting there Cateka...thoughts are with you even though you aren't here as often...