Help. Family Problems :'(

Hi there - been reading through this and wanted to echo what others have said about talking to someone - Mind, your GP whoever you feel comfortable with.

Please know that you are in no way worthless, you are worth more than you can possibly imagine.

:hug99:
 
I'm so sorry I've not replied for such a long time, I've just been overwhelmed by the responses. You're all so kind & I am lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. Thank you.

I'm not sure I can reply to everyone individually but I have read everything you've all said :)

I appreciate that a lot of you think that I might be suffering with depression & I know I've got early signs, I'm keeping an eye on it but I just don't think a Dr will help me. A friend of mine has been pushing for me to get some counselling for a while & I just need the courage to pick up the phone.

I didn't mean to be so blunt about the antidepressants, they help so many people & they can be wonder drugs but for some reason none of them seem to stick & I've been through a lot. I just came the conclusion one day that maybe my brain chemistry is fine, I just need to rework my life & then I might be happier.

At the moment, I'm still sitting around not doing a lot.. Binging A LOT! I've gained back everything that I lost & that doesn't help. I've been thinking about what you've all said & I want to make a few changes to my life.

I can't cut my brother out of my life completely, he just 'gets me' in a way that other people don't seem to.. It's just sometimes he can be a complete ass! I've decided to try to limit the amount that I do speak to him though & I'm going to cut all topics of family from our conversations. That ought to help ease some of the pressure. The same goes for my Grandma & Papa really. I hate that they don't support us in any way but I think it would probably kill my Grandma if I just started ignoring her, she has kidney failure. Again, I'm just going to have to limit how much I speak to them & not talk to them about anything personal or my brother. They seem to be hot topics.

I'm looking into some volunteer work to get me out of the house, I want to volunteer in an office-type position so I'm getting some experience as well as helping people (& myself). I seem to be a lot calmer when I have a purpose.. Just no more than 5hrs a day or I'm likely to meltdown!

I also want to look into joining a choir (terrifying!) & I really want to do the couch to 5k thing but I'm terrified that I'll fail.

I have this image of what I want my life to be like but I'm just so scared that I will fail trying to get it :(

I don't think we're eligible for any benefits & I can work with my mental health problems, I can just only manage part time at the moment.. I don't know if I'll ever be able to work full time. Unfortunately my local Mind doesn't offer any type of counselling but I am looking in to finding something.

Again, thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it.
 
Big hugs for you.
Stop worrying about failing, take baby steps and you will get there, cliche but slow and steady wins the race.
If you feel you can't speak to your gp is there a nurse or anyone at the practice you like the look of or you know is nice. Speak to them they can then make the gp refer you for counselling. In the mean time maybe write down your feelings or write letters to your family members, not to send but writing it down an addressing it to them can take a weight off it feels like you've told them even though you haven't.
More hugs xx
 
I know this sounds harsh but have u thought about taking legal action againts your mum? my aunty is int he process of doing so against her dad now 30 years after the abuse and she is also seeing a councelor - she seems a lot better since doing this?

also i wouldnt worry about the money your brothers are getting, personally i don't think it right taking money from your parents - unless like you it is an emergency and exceptional circumstance - they are grown men and should look after themselves i would not take a penny of my mam - i want her to enjoy her hard earned cash on herself, me and my sister would never have learned to get on with life and look after ourselves if we took money off my mam every time the going got a bit tough. sorry if this sounds like i'm having a dig at you, i'm not.

i was in a similar financial circumstance to year a few years back i had split up with my ex and left to pay a mortgage on my own and found it very hrd having to pay all bills by myself. i found it helped to get a room mate temporarily and also i did avon on the side for a while i earned about £60 from each brochure which i kept for me to have a social life - a night out, a new top etc. also did the odd car boot i earned over a £100 on one just selling my 'crap'. lol. still sometimes do the odd car boot sale and sell stuff on ebay. my OH is self employed so it can be a bit tough going at times especially with a new baby.

hope things look up for you soon, it is very hard to get a job these days, sometimes you just have to take what you can. xx
 
sarah5298a1 - What kind of legal action could I take? She put me through absolute hell & although everyone in the family knows about it, no one would be willing to do anything about it. Even people outside of the family knew but no one ever stepped in to help me. Then when I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, she purposely made it worse, bought me diet pill etc. It was awful. The most distressing was while I was out having dinner with her & my nana (her mum) & I was in excruciating pain, I was crying & screaming. The people next to us were begging my mum to take me to the hospital, to call an ambulance, anything! But she wouldn't. She kept saying I was fine & she'd call NHS Direct later. But they both wanted to finish their meals first. In the end, NHS Direct told me to go to the hospital as it could be appendicitis. I was kept in overnight & was sent home in pain the next day but never found the cause. If it had been appendicitis, I could have died purely because they didn't want to waste money on dinner!

Argh. You can see why I don't speak to either of them any more! Problem is, they tell people stories about me to make me the bad person out of all of this! It makes my blood boil!

With regards to the money.. I don't think I could accept any large amount from anyone in my family to be honest, but the offer would be nice! They never even offer to help us out, but Simon who is perfectly fine, gets a cheque for £1000! *angry*

So far I've sold a bunch of my old games & CDs, we got a good amount of money from them, but it all just went on food shopping. I'm still trying to sell my camera, it's on Amazon now for £499.99 (Lol, trying to make it look like less than £500!), I'll only actually get £450 from the sale because Amazon take quite a bit, but that's a start at least. I just wish I could find someone who would buy it for £450 so I didn't have to go through Amazon or Ebay.

bunnylovesalan - I'm not sure if I would be entitled to dla.. Isn't it hard to claim for mental health problems? It does effect me, at the moment I don't want to leave the house, which is making exercise difficult. I will leave to walk my dog so I'm out for between 30 mins to an hour but it's not enough exercise for me. I'm thinking about buying EA active 2 when I have some money (It's been reduced to £30 on Amazon!), then I can get a good workout & I don't need to leave the house!

reptara - I've thought about writing letters to my family members & I think it might be good for the people I don't speak to. I just want them all to understand how their behaviour affects me in a negative way. I can't decide if they just don't consider my feelings at all, or maybe they do & they don't care? Who knows! My older brother needed money for his deposit (he just moved into a new rented flat) & my nana gave him £1000, told him to pay her back £500 & keep the rest! The thing is, he earns so much a year & goes on so many trips that it's hard to imagine he couldn't have saved that money himself! I mean seriously, you want to move house, you skip your freakin' holiday!

Sorry, I'm just getting a bit irate here. I'm just so pissed that they keep getting handouts even though they're spending their own money on things they don't need! My younger brother just bought a new TV for £300 just for the hell of it! (& he dared to tell me that he couldn't afford more than £350 for my camera?! Well, if he hadn't bought this random TV, he'd have had £650 going spare! But he gets a nice cheque for £1000 as well.. Pay it back if he wants to.
 
Just thought, while I'm going on a rant, I'll mention my dad who paid my mum maintenance even though I'd moved out & refused to send it to my bank account. I never saw any of that money & he knew it. & yet he happily sent money to Simon for his first year of uni (despite it not being in the contract), he got £250 (maybe more) a month from him. Plus £350 a term from grandma & papa, plus money from nana & mum.

Ugh. This whole thing just winds me up. I just can't believe how much help my brothers get & I had to take money from my boyfriend to pay for my bus pass while I was at college! (My mum refused to do it, despite being ok to pay for Matt's & Simon's) I was never allowed new clothes so lived mostly in old jeans & Nick's T-shirts & jumpers!

I have so much resentment towards all of them. I hate that I'm angry at Simon so much but I just can't help it. I know, technically he's done nothing wrong.. He doesn't ask for the money. I just can't cope with it.
 
if u have suffered physical abuse you can take legal action against the person who inflicted the abuse - my aunty got advice from citizens advice first and went from there. its not easy though, you have to go through eveything that happened - and family members will be interviewed - would they lie to protect your mum or would they crack under the pressure???

have u tries the direct gov benefits calculator there may be all sorts of benefits you're entitled to, also have u claimed for working tax if you or partner over 30?
x
 
I used the Charnwood benefits calculator & the directgov one & both say we aren't entitled to anything. It sucks. Nick is on a good income but so much is going on our debts. We hope to have them clear in the next 3 years but it's going to be a struggle :( My mum, who has over £10,000 in a savings account is getting working tax credits & housing benefits! The system is broken.

I mostly suffered emotional abuse & neglect, but rarely (although some) physical abuse. To be honest, I don't think anyone in my family would stand up to her now as they didn't in the past. I don't think it would go anywhere. I think the rest of the family would be worried that it would pretty much ruin her life, she works as a teaching assistant with primary school kids! Nick & I have talked many times about when we have children & it was said straight away that she would have no contact whatsoever with them! Not even supervised.. Same with my nana.

At the end of the day, it will be their loss. My mum has wanted grandchildren since I can remember but I won't be the one providing them. Of course, she will have to put up with seeing my MIL spending plenty of time with our babies as we all live in the same village. That pain will be her punishment for mistreating me.

I have to keep reminding myself that once our debts are paid off, we can make some real improvements on our house.. Go on nice holidays & buy pretty things :) & we will have the fact that we made it on our own. We borrow a lot of money from MIL but it's borrowed, we pay everything back within a month or so. We will have had no handouts from family & we can hold our heads high. Not like my brothers who will probably be still getting money from our grandparents etc.

Just got to get to that point first. Lol.
 
can you not go to a debt settlement company to lower your monthly outgoings.

yes it will be her loss, when you have kids you will have your own family (well u have now also) and you will b so loving and caring because you will not want them to have any treatment like you have had off your mother. also if your mother has these savings she should not get these benefits so she obviously hasn't declared them, i would be inclined to get on the phone to the benefits agency if she has 'fiddled' benefits she will have to pay all back and may even get a criminal record which could effect her job working in a school - don't want to put ideas in your head but i am a very vengeful person if someone wrongs me they will pay one way or another. they will rue the day they ever crossed me! lol, a woman scorned and all that.

:) xx
 
It is hard but people don't realise they have to write the worse case seranrio. also when filling in DLA get your partner filling in a statement and emphasis also if he does help you include that and get dr and any professional help you have had before as well. Speak to CAB as well as they can also help you fill in the application and their is loads of information on the internet as well regarding wording etc. I have autism, depression, ocd and anxiety and it helps a great deal with getting taxi's out of situations etc etc. If you need any help as well inbox me I be happy to explain more :)


bunnylovesalan - I'm not sure if I would be entitled to dla.. Isn't it hard to claim for mental health problems? It does effect me, at the moment I don't want to leave the house, which is making exercise difficult. I will leave to walk my dog so I'm out for between 30 mins to an hour but it's not enough exercise for me. I'm thinking about buying EA active 2 when I have some money (It's been reduced to £30 on Amazon!), then I can get a good workout & I don't need to leave the house!
 
sarah5298a1 said:
can you not go to a debt settlement company to lower your monthly outgoings.

yes it will be her loss, when you have kids you will have your own family (well u have now also) and you will b so loving and caring because you will not want them to have any treatment like you have had off your mother. also if your mother has these savings she should not get these benefits so she obviously hasn't declared them, i would be inclined to get on the phone to the benefits agency if she has 'fiddled' benefits she will have to pay all back and may even get a criminal record which could effect her job working in a school - don't want to put ideas in your head but i am a very vengeful person if someone wrongs me they will pay one way or another. they will rue the day they ever crossed me! lol, a woman scorned and all that.

:) xx
Click to expand...

I thought about calling up the benefits people, I would love to see her get screwed.. I'm sure things would turn up in her favour.. They always seem to with other members of my family, her included. My nana would probably help her out!

It is hard but people don't realise they have to write the worse case seranrio. also when filling in DLA get your partner filling in a statement and emphasis also if he does help you include that and get dr and any professional help you have had before as well. Speak to CAB as well as they can also help you fill in the application and their is loads of information on the internet as well regarding wording etc. I have autism, depression, ocd and anxiety and it helps a great deal with getting taxi's out of situations etc etc. If you need any help as well inbox me I be happy to explain more
Click to expand...

I could ask the Psychs I saw at the eating disorders unit before.. they were quite happy to write to a university I applied to (for a nursing course) & tell them how fragile I was mentally. They discharged me with no real recovery as well (stated in my records). I will look into seeing someone at the CAB, I'll look to see where my local one is. I hope they can help me. I get really anxious talking to people face to face & I feel like a complete idiot.. Will they be nice to me?

I just spoke to my Grandma & this all came pouring out. She kept telling me that the reason they won't give me money is because I left uni, to which I told her that I had to leave as it was making me unwell - she's had a mental breakdown, she should understand! Anyway, after about an hour of talking & crying, my Papa has decided to discuss everything with my Grandma & they might look into giving me an allowance. He's very old fashioned & thinks that Nick should be giving me an allowance from his pay to buy things for myself (Like trips to the dentist & opticians etc). But obviously all of Nick's money goes on paying off bills & debts so he can't afford that.. I have to ask him to put those things into the budget. They've told me that I have to talk to Nick first though & try to trim our bills down. Like cutting off Sky.. Nick's a HUGE WWE fan & I can't see him ever agreeing to stop having Sky & if I made him, he would resent me forever! I just don't think I can do that.

It would be nice not having to ask for money for things though. My Papa thinks that is degrading. :confused:
 
Of course they will be nice to you at CAB there designed to help people with problems but I can understand it being axious for you, could your partner or someone come with you and ease the stress?
 
When you freeze things like bolognese, how do you store it & reheat?

I keep trying to get Nick to change our energy suppliers to someone cheaper but he won't do it, nor will he remove some of the Sky packages (like the movies etc). I'm not in charge of any of the bills so I don't have much say in any of it. I've completely cut out any of the extra things I had & I've sold some of my things.

Do you think making more things like stews, curries etc would be better? I could freeze a lot of them. I don't want to sound like a complete idiot but once you've made something & then frozen the extra portions.. How often would you have it after that? Do I make 4 portions & have it once a week or more? I'm so new to this! I never learnt anything like this growing up.

bunnylovesalan - Thank you :) I could take Nick, I just need to schedule it when he's free. Lol. Did you have to apply more than once or were you accepted straight away? I'm scared the dla might just laugh at my claim :S I'm not sure I'm unwell enough!
 
Go to your GP. You will need to give their information when applying for DLA and it is much better to keep them in the loop so that if they are asked for advice on your condition they are up to date.

Also, be aware that as a matter of course, they are exceptionally likely to decline your application. When they do, ask them to reconsider the decision, and if that doesnt bear fruit, go to appeal. They almost always (unless its a very serious or terminal illness) reject applications at first, in order to deter chancers. Dont take it personally if they reject your claim, just stand firm and ask them to reconsider. Its standard practice.
 
I have had dla since I was a child and due to my autism is a long life condition that I will have permintly so changes on they won't reject me luckily. I have filled in 5 times and each time been accepted which is a great relief, hopefully you can get dla - it will you some security.
 
If they reject the claim, will the CAB help me to make any appeals etc? I don't want to have to go through it alone because I just don't think I could deal with the additional stress. I had a hard time coming to terms with my depression a while ago because I just didn't feel as though I was unwell enough to require help - the same goes for my eating disorder. An overweight bulimic? I always thought people would judge me & tell me I wasn't good enough. Blah.

I will try to give the CAB a ring on Monday to see if there is anyone available to help me fill out the forms. I'm still really nervous about going back to the Drs though.. Is that absolutely necessary to fill out the form? I'm having some problems with them at the moment.. They forced me to take a chlamydia test & I'm having a hard time trusting them, I told them several times that there was no chance I'd have it but she had a bee in her bonnet & ended up tricking me into being tested :( & she's the one I'd normally see for my mental health problems. I don't really want anything from them.. I don't want any antidepressants or anything & counselling on the NHS here sucks! I think I'd need to go with a charity & see what they could offer.

DLA would be so helpful, it would take the pressure off me with regards to finding a job. At the moment I feel backed into a corner that I just want to cry all day & I blow interviews because I'm just so anxious!
 
The CAB down here are more than helpful (and I am sure they are where you are too) and I can't think of any reason why they wouldn't help with an appeal - it is what they are there for.

As for your doctor, is there another one in the same surgery/practice you could see? Perhaps a more sympathetic one?

Sorry if that is not much help
 
lizie2008 - Unfortunately there are no other Drs that I could see locally. Nick & I just spoke about seeing someone at the CAB & I've put across the possibility of an IVA. He doesn't seem at all happy about it but at the moment we're making minimum payments on all of the cards, we have no savings & not much money for food or anything. Our options are struggle for 4 years to pay off debts one by one, or get an IVA & have some relief for 5 years but also have a bad credit rating. At the moment our CR is pretty bad anyway!

He wants to discuss with his parents first, but I might get him to give the CAB a quick call on Monday to see what they suggest.
 
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