How to talk to partners daughter!
- Thread starter Tinytootz
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Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
thanks for all your repliesIt's an awkward situation. OH sees his daughter a couple of times a week, and they don't really talk, so I don't want to wade in there heavy handed, insisting we do things that he isn't comfy with. We might be taking her out tomorrow as her school is off (no idea why!) and I guess we take it from there. She doesn't live with him, never has, and there has been no mention at all that she ever will. So I don't want to try and be the all-singing-all-dancing daddys new girlfriend, so to speak.
She likes crafts, and I did help her make her easter chick this year (she came 5th I think). I'll aim to take her shopping once things have settled down this end. OH keeps telling me I shouldn't worry, she is fine with it all, and will actively talk to me and seek my attention in time. During the move she helped us each Friday, bless her. More of a hindrance than a help at times, but she enjoyed it, so we left her to it
One issue is I'm not sure if he wants to spend more time with her. As it is, we both only have one day off a week, and every other day we see each other for a max of 4 hours, so as it's still a new relationship, I understand that he is still getting to know me, if that makes sense. He has never had the close relationship with her, so I don't want to push anything on him. I might gently suggest that we take her with us tomorrow. We might be going to Ikea, or a day out in Derby, or just a potter around all day.
*Selfish warning!*
I do want to spend time with her, but I don't want our every hour together to also involve his daughter. Its difficult to explain without sounding like a total git. We have limited time together, and I am a bugger for routine, so I would love it if it was a case of Thursday evenings we spend with her, Friday mornings, and whenever during school holidays. And then he spends whatever personal free time he has with her (if he wants to), and I can do the same (I get long breaks in the afternoons). But I am also a bugger for guilt tripping. I make myself unhappy in the process of making others happy, then get all wound up. Before now she has wanted to come somewhere with us and he has said no, then I've felt so guilty that we've gone back for her. It wasn't me who made the choice, but I still feel bad! In the end up, we didn't do what we wanted as she had come, but at least she was happy.
I have no idea what my point is any more! *sigh*
leighxx
Full Member
I have nothing new to add, was thinking the same as everyone...shopping, and doing her room up how she likes it, she could even help with the painting and stuff.
Maybe do her nails & make-up and have proper girly time together.
I don't have kids myself but I have my twin cousins who are 12 overnight 3 or 4 times a week while their mother's at work. And have practically brought them up with her since they were born. Their friends come to mine and my sister's (who I live with) & say we are 'cool' for adults lol.
I make sure I let them have fun, talk to them as adults, let them have the music on, play wii with them & so on but am also incredibly strict with them, probably even more so than their mother.
Maybe do her nails & make-up and have proper girly time together.
I don't have kids myself but I have my twin cousins who are 12 overnight 3 or 4 times a week while their mother's at work. And have practically brought them up with her since they were born. Their friends come to mine and my sister's (who I live with) & say we are 'cool' for adults lol.
I make sure I let them have fun, talk to them as adults, let them have the music on, play wii with them & so on but am also incredibly strict with them, probably even more so than their mother.
mumtheshopper
Silver Member
As his daughter she will be, or certainly should be, the most important person/thing in his life! HAving a routine is difficult, and if he wants to have a good relationship with her he will be wanting to see her as ASAP. I should imagine he would also be willing to drop everything for her. I certainly know my bf does for his kids, I do for mine, and their Dad does, to a lesser extent, for his. I certainly could never, ever have any input in to the arrangements for my bf and his son, nor him for me and my daughters. It is an absolute given between us that our kids will always come first! They do live with us though, but I would ahve thought, even more important if they don't
Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
She does come first in his mind, but he doesn't have a close relationship with her, never had. I dunno, perhaps I'm trying to help him form a better relationship with her, when perhaps I should just leave him to do it the way he wants. As I say, it's not a clear cut relationship between him and his family, and I don't even know it all.
Perhaps I will back off for a wee bit, let him do it his way, and if he wants help, I will jump in. I'm too much of a worry wart! x
Perhaps I will back off for a wee bit, let him do it his way, and if he wants help, I will jump in. I'm too much of a worry wart! x
Shirleen
Gold Member
Honesty is the best tool!
Maybe make her a little card and tell her what you've told us, that you think she's a fantastic little girl, but you are afraid of blowing it, because you aren't used to little people. Make it lighthearted and tell her you don't want to embarrass her or yourself by being 'uncool'.
Children don't need strong people, they need caring people who are prepared to put themselves on the line, and become vulnerable. Open hearts and open arms xxx
Be wary of bringing up other children you know or are related to, as she may be feeling a bit fragile.
Maybe make her a little card and tell her what you've told us, that you think she's a fantastic little girl, but you are afraid of blowing it, because you aren't used to little people. Make it lighthearted and tell her you don't want to embarrass her or yourself by being 'uncool'.
Children don't need strong people, they need caring people who are prepared to put themselves on the line, and become vulnerable. Open hearts and open arms xxx
Be wary of bringing up other children you know or are related to, as she may be feeling a bit fragile.
Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
Well, we took her shopping in Derby yesterday. She still doesn't talk to me much, but she talks to her dad more, which pleases me. She also wanted me to come into the changing rooms with her, which I did, but I stood outside the curtain and waited, as I used to hate people coming in with me when I was a kid, and my mother still does it now and it drives me wild! The shorts didn't fit, so she asked me to put them back on the hanger for her, then we went to the till with her dad. He said she could pick anything she wanted - bad move! Thankfully it was Primark, so the damage was only £31, but the look on his face was a picture! And apparently all she has talked about since getting back is Derby!
She wanted to come to Tesco with us too, and I felt a bit bad saying she couldn't, but it was nearly 6pm and we had to get back straight after Tesco for the dog and various other animals, rather than Tesco, then back to her great-grandparents, then home. But I'm sure she understands
She wanted to come to Tesco with us too, and I felt a bit bad saying she couldn't, but it was nearly 6pm and we had to get back straight after Tesco for the dog and various other animals, rather than Tesco, then back to her great-grandparents, then home. But I'm sure she understands
MadameLaMinx
Gold Member
Blimey, its quite a situation you have here, to deal with. I really feel for this little girl, because I spent an awful lot of my childhood feeling in the way and unwanted, and I would have cut off my right arm for someone like you to come along and actually be interested in me and want to spend time with me.
I also feel for you, because this is one hell of a difficult situation for you. Your relationship is still reasonably new, but has so much baggage and complication to handle during the time when it should be all hearts and flowers and romance. Good for you for trying to do your best in what must be very trying circumstances.
Obviously there is much we don't know about the history here, but I know a little about the complexities here, having had a couple of stepdads myself, and an absent father, and what I would say to you is that if you want to build a relationship with this little girl and have a long term happy future with your partner, you need to establish why he seems so indifferent to her, and also be sure yourself that you have it within you to be committed to her. Have you talked at all to him about the possibility of you both having kids in the future or is that not an option?
More than anything, kids need two things, love and stability, and if you can offer her both of those things then you may be exactly what she needs. But you need to be singing from the same hymn sheet as her father, and they need to work on their relationship and have the time and space to do so, with and without your involvement, and he for some reason is reluctant to do this. My husband took on my little boy when he was only 5 and I know full well how incredibly lucky I have been to find someone who could not only love and accept me in entirety but also do the same for my son.
Having been in the "care" of a man who really didn't care or know how to be a father when my own was absent from when I was a baby, I know how damaging it can be to a child to feel unwanted and low priority, and it is something that can completely destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence. How you accept and relate to this little girl can make a massive difference to her emotional development. You could be the person who shows her that there is someone out there who won't judge her, who just accepts and loves her for herself and who puts her first, but that's an incredibly unselfish act and takes a big commitment from you, and also needs her father to be doing the same.
If you don't feel that you can be that person, or not yet, no-one would blame you, its a massive commitment, and not to be taken lightly, then keep your dealings with her light and friendly but no more than that. However, you could be exactly what she needs. But without her father wanting and trying hard to love her and spend as much time with her as he can, your efforts will be a little pointless, because it will be him that she needs it from most, and if your actions and warmth toward her differ so drastically from his, it will make his disinterest all the more painful for her to deal with.
So really, the person you should be asking how to go about dealing with her, is him. Because unless he wants to be involved with her, and love and support her unconditionally, then you trying to could do more harm than good.
I hope I am not speaking out of turn, and making no sense. I just know exactly how it feels to be her, and what a blessing someone like you coming along would have been, and what a difference it would have made to me.
I also feel for you, because this is one hell of a difficult situation for you. Your relationship is still reasonably new, but has so much baggage and complication to handle during the time when it should be all hearts and flowers and romance. Good for you for trying to do your best in what must be very trying circumstances.
Obviously there is much we don't know about the history here, but I know a little about the complexities here, having had a couple of stepdads myself, and an absent father, and what I would say to you is that if you want to build a relationship with this little girl and have a long term happy future with your partner, you need to establish why he seems so indifferent to her, and also be sure yourself that you have it within you to be committed to her. Have you talked at all to him about the possibility of you both having kids in the future or is that not an option?
More than anything, kids need two things, love and stability, and if you can offer her both of those things then you may be exactly what she needs. But you need to be singing from the same hymn sheet as her father, and they need to work on their relationship and have the time and space to do so, with and without your involvement, and he for some reason is reluctant to do this. My husband took on my little boy when he was only 5 and I know full well how incredibly lucky I have been to find someone who could not only love and accept me in entirety but also do the same for my son.
Having been in the "care" of a man who really didn't care or know how to be a father when my own was absent from when I was a baby, I know how damaging it can be to a child to feel unwanted and low priority, and it is something that can completely destroy your self-esteem and self-confidence. How you accept and relate to this little girl can make a massive difference to her emotional development. You could be the person who shows her that there is someone out there who won't judge her, who just accepts and loves her for herself and who puts her first, but that's an incredibly unselfish act and takes a big commitment from you, and also needs her father to be doing the same.
If you don't feel that you can be that person, or not yet, no-one would blame you, its a massive commitment, and not to be taken lightly, then keep your dealings with her light and friendly but no more than that. However, you could be exactly what she needs. But without her father wanting and trying hard to love her and spend as much time with her as he can, your efforts will be a little pointless, because it will be him that she needs it from most, and if your actions and warmth toward her differ so drastically from his, it will make his disinterest all the more painful for her to deal with.
So really, the person you should be asking how to go about dealing with her, is him. Because unless he wants to be involved with her, and love and support her unconditionally, then you trying to could do more harm than good.
I hope I am not speaking out of turn, and making no sense. I just know exactly how it feels to be her, and what a blessing someone like you coming along would have been, and what a difference it would have made to me.
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Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
Thank you so much for your reply, and no, you are not speaking out of turn at all.
He does love her, and he does show interest in her, but unfortunately situations have changed, so he doesn't see her so much (swimming lessons changed to when he is working etc). I don't think I am pushing him, I'm saying I am cool with it, and he is putting the wheels in motion, so to speak. I get the impression that he doesn't know how to treat her either.
He has told me she was a mistake, and that from a very young age, she lived with his grandparents, not with him and her mum. I've probed on the odd occasion regarding this, but he has only said that his partner didn't want her, so the best plan at the time was his grandparents to raise her.
He has also mentioned to me the fact that his grandparents are getting old, and that things might change. I know he meant regarding his daughter, but he is also worried about putting a lot of pressure on me too. But I've said that she is his daughter, and she comes first. Therefore, if things have to change, then they will. I get the impression that a lot of the decisions regarding her were taken out of his hands, and he went along with it for an easy life I guess. He would have been 17 at the time. I realise this no excuse, as such. But for a 26 year old man to still have all his babies clothing, her toys and baby bits and bobs in his house, and for him to take them with him when he moves, suggests to me that he hasn't 'given up' on her, I guess.
We have briefly spoken about kids. He would like to have another child. That's about as far as it went, as it is still early days, and that can be quite a scary department. We do discuss everything (which is a total novelty for me!), but I'm not one for labouring a point, more starting it off, and letting him speak to me about it if he wishes.
She is otherwise quite a happy wee thing, skipping round the shopping centre, spending all his money in Primark. It is all a bit fresh at the moment, but I will broach the subject again in a week or two. I did ask if she knew he was her dad, and he said yes. And at Christmas he did write 'dad' on her tags. It's just a strange scenario, and in many ways, I possibly don't want to know all the in's and out's!
He does love her, and he does show interest in her, but unfortunately situations have changed, so he doesn't see her so much (swimming lessons changed to when he is working etc). I don't think I am pushing him, I'm saying I am cool with it, and he is putting the wheels in motion, so to speak. I get the impression that he doesn't know how to treat her either.
He has told me she was a mistake, and that from a very young age, she lived with his grandparents, not with him and her mum. I've probed on the odd occasion regarding this, but he has only said that his partner didn't want her, so the best plan at the time was his grandparents to raise her.
He has also mentioned to me the fact that his grandparents are getting old, and that things might change. I know he meant regarding his daughter, but he is also worried about putting a lot of pressure on me too. But I've said that she is his daughter, and she comes first. Therefore, if things have to change, then they will. I get the impression that a lot of the decisions regarding her were taken out of his hands, and he went along with it for an easy life I guess. He would have been 17 at the time. I realise this no excuse, as such. But for a 26 year old man to still have all his babies clothing, her toys and baby bits and bobs in his house, and for him to take them with him when he moves, suggests to me that he hasn't 'given up' on her, I guess.
We have briefly spoken about kids. He would like to have another child. That's about as far as it went, as it is still early days, and that can be quite a scary department. We do discuss everything (which is a total novelty for me!), but I'm not one for labouring a point, more starting it off, and letting him speak to me about it if he wishes.
She is otherwise quite a happy wee thing, skipping round the shopping centre, spending all his money in Primark. It is all a bit fresh at the moment, but I will broach the subject again in a week or two. I did ask if she knew he was her dad, and he said yes. And at Christmas he did write 'dad' on her tags. It's just a strange scenario, and in many ways, I possibly don't want to know all the in's and out's!
kingleds
Gold Member
I genuinely admire your OH for making a very adult & tough decision at a young age to allow her the best start in life. My only note of caution is that it is still a very new relationship for you, and as MLM says, it could be damaging tp you both if she builds a relationship with you, and you & OH break up - I'm not saying you will, but you never know. But then me & OH have been together 12 years, known each other 21, and only got married 18 months ago so maybe I'm a complete commitment phobe and you should ignore me
Aside from all that, you are a brilliant person for caring enough to think about it in the first place.
Aside from all that, you are a brilliant person for caring enough to think about it in the first place.
Tinytootz
Mini crazy cat lady
It might sound strange, and oh so very Disney like, with the butterflies, swelling music, and the odd bambi deer, but I (and we) both genuinely feel like, well, pretty much, that we are soul mates. Yeah, even typing it makes me gag, but its true. Therefore, us splitting hasn't ever really been an option. Call us silly, but after what we have both been through in our individual pasts, the sheer unadulterated happiness we feel can't be ignored.
So yeah, that has never been a concern with regards me and his daughter.
Once again, thank you all for your input. I feel in a far less confused mindset over the whole thing, and less of a worry wart. I must learn to take each day as it comes, and I will try and get some more background info from his lordship regarding what went on all those years ago. If he wants to, that is.
xxx
MadameLaMinx
Gold Member
Awww, thats lovely. Given that you have found that happiness, I think maybe the best way to approach things with your partner is to suggest that what you have is fantastic, and wouldnt it be great if you could share that happiness with his daughter and make her life as fantastic as yours together is going to be?
Maybe once he is sure that you want to do the best by him and her, it might give him the confidence to do more, get more involved with her and put the past behind him. You dont really need to rake over the past with him to be able to look forward to the future.
Good luck!
Maybe once he is sure that you want to do the best by him and her, it might give him the confidence to do more, get more involved with her and put the past behind him. You dont really need to rake over the past with him to be able to look forward to the future.
Good luck!
