Hi Janey, I hope you had a better day today... if you didn't, don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, you are only human.
I know what you are going through and feel your pain and grief with you. I lost my beloved Fozzy two years ago and my eyes still well up and my chest tightens when I think of him. I found him when he was maybe a day or two old, eyes still closed, covered in fleas and maggots from top to bottom. I took him home, cleaned him up, seeked emergency vetinary treatment for him - the vet gave a very poor prognosis and told me he probably wouldn't make it past the next couple of days. I perservered, bottle fed him through the night and even came home from work in my breaks to see and feed him. He was amazing and thrived! He was my baby.
Then 2 years ago, I let him out in the morning as usual and called him shortly after for his food. No sign. Very strange. Called, and called and called again. No sign. I knew something wasn't right. By the evening I had printed up 'missing' posters, with the intention of posting them along my road to all the neighbours, incase he'd been accidently locked in their shed etc. I knocked on my next door neighbour's door only to be told that he's seen him lying on the road that morning and had seen someone stopping their car, picking him up and taking him away! I broke my heart! I went into melt down and cried hysterically for who knows how long! Not good at 5 months pregnant. Still a glimmer of hope...maybe he was hurt.. I tried phoning around all the local vets but couldn't talk for crying so my mum did it for me. No luck. I phoned in sick from work, went in the following day -sent home for breaking down, tried again a day after - sent home, the day after, broke down again and was called to the managers office, she showed genuine concern and after I had explained what had happened she couldn't believe that it was all over a cat and recommended I go home again and make an appointment to see the g.p!
A week later, after making more posters appealing for the driver of the vehicle to contact me with info, I had a phonecall off a woman a couple of streets away from me. She thought my fozzy, lying on the side of the road was her cat. She picked him up, took him home and when she walked into the kitchen, her cat was sat there looking at her. Apparently, she phoned the council to pick him up and they did...but I phoned the council and they told me they hadn't been called to that address and def not on a sunday. So I didn't get closure. That's all I needed. He would have been a fantastic moggy for my little girl to grow up with, so gentle, affectionate and playful. Life's a *****.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go on, just wanted to share my experience. It may not make you feel more at ease, but you were with him when he went, try and take comfort in that.
Sending you love and hugs (((((xxxxxxx)))))