Izzy's Diary - which she WILL keep!!

[izzywizz]

Hey, you're both right about the gardening! I put into my activity tracker on WW and I burnt of 6 points! All that dancing with my new game as well, I've got 9 points saved up this week and its only Monday

Just as well actually, cos I'm out for dinner with friends tonight, and then to the Italian for OHs birthday tomorrow night. A bit scary, two nights in a row, so I've made a little deal with myself. I can eat what I like as long as I stick to my points for my other meals and snacks - no naughty little treats this week

I'm also going to put this in writing, my psychologist says it should help me:

I may sts or possibly GAIN a lb or two this week. That is OK, it is NOT a set back, it is the result of a normal, balanced lifestyle which includes the occasional meal out. I accept that I may not lose weight this week, I understand that I can save points and do extra exercise (within reason) in order to compensate for a small over indulgence. I also accept that a couple of lbs, in the end is a small and insignificant amount of weight which no one will be able to see.

hehe, that is SUCH a therapy thing, it does seem to help though, when I KNOW things are not going to go to my little plan of perfection

I know what you mean, Minus. When I started losing weight as a teenager, I'd do really well for a whole week, lose a good amount of weight being fairly obese, then I'd "reward" myself with a day off. It would all go wrong from there on, I could NEVER get back on track the next day. I then discovered I could just NOT EAT AT ALL. Yet another item in Izzy's 101 reasons why she got Anorexic lol.

Another positive day today, for the first time in ages I don't feel HUGE, and thats a really good feeling. I looked in the mirror today and I didn't hate what I saw. I'm only 9lbs over weight, and I never thought that would happen again in a healthy way.

 

[Pink!]

Wow, you're doing amazingly!!
And that theraphy thing is totally right. It's like we put ourself in this little bubble when we're dieting (eating healthily) and totally forget that in the real world people go out for dinner, and people every day put on the odd lb for having an off day, but it doesn't really matter, because lets face it, we all know how to lose that lb again, we're pretty well practiced by now.

Glad to see you're getting on well in every aspect!

 

[izzywizz]

and, the thing is, how many people not dieting even REALIZE they've gained a lb? And yet, to us it can be the end of the world.

Anyway, so this weight loss means that for the last three weeks or so I've been walking around yanking my trousers up all the time, and my bras are just useless. So I got a couple of hours off this afternoon and took my into town. First stop: the very expensive lingerie shop. I was in la senza at the weekend - useless and actually quite offish with me, so I decided to treat myself.

So in I go and the woman is SO friendly and lovely, like a Mum She measured me. I've gone from a 40 DD to a 36 E She then found every bra in the shop in my size and made me try them all on and then check the fit herself. She gave me some ice water to drink and offered me a sweetie too, apparently we had all the time in the world despite me being very clear about only being able to afford one bra.

FINALLY, we got there. I love my new bra, even though it cost £40. OUCH. lol I'm a little afraid to wear it hehe.

Next up was a visit to Peacocks and New look where I got three size 12, yes SIZE TWELVE tops, two pairs of denim shorts in a size 14 along with a pair of jeans, and, randomly, a pair of combats in a size 16. I'd have thought the denim would have been the bigger size?
I spent like £100 in my lunch break But I guess I needed to buy new clothes, my old ones look awful now.

So, wetherspoons last night was really nice, I had sweet chilli noodles with chicken. No idea of the points value. I've not seen my friend for months and it was great to catch up with her. She's coming to my party, which takes the guests up to 28 ATM, not bad

Tonight is the dreaded Italian for OHs birthday. Pizza and pasta = still a little unsettling for me, but I know it'll be nice and romantic. Our Ialian is called "la Caverna" and it's in a basement, so it really is like a cave. Its all Roman wall art and candles in wine bottles. I hope OH enjoys it.

 

[minusfour]

The lady at the bra shop sounds divine, I'm glad you spent a bit of money on yourself. Hope tonight goes ok, and that you have fun. I've had problems in the past with eating too, we have to remember there are shades of grey! Your message is great.

 

[izzywizz]

So, after my binge on Friday, I've been a bit pre occupied with the amount of sugar I eat. Turns out its a lot. So I've decided that between now and my party I'm going to try and avoid refined sugar.

So far today I have learnt that I don't like total Greek yogurt, cornflakes with no sugar on the top, OR wholemeal bread (I knew that bit anyway, I just hoped I had changed my mind lol) I DO however, Like the chocolate birthday cake for the Secretary.
A slice was presented to me while on playground duty, and its one of those awkward situations where someone has gone to the effort to juggle three plates of cake outside in the rain to give their colleagues and you can't really say "no, I'm not eating refined sugar for a few weeks." without causing offense.

Other than that, I'm finding it easier than I thought. I was fully expecting massive withdrawal symptoms, but so far - nothing. Lets see how this afternoon goes

 

[izzywizz]

ok, so here's the sugar withdrawal MASSIVE headache, REALLY tired and, and OH SO GRUMPY. Plus, I've just eaten 4 packets of light choices crisps. Luckily only 1pt a bag and I have lots spare today. I'm craving food REALLY bad, but nothing can stop the cravings. Actually, it's just occurred to me that I'm craving sugar, which is why the crisps aren't hitting the spot. Duh!

I'm going to bed before I crack and eat a pot of the chocolate custard downstairs.

Also, whole wheat pasta - not as bad as Mum claimed. Its alright with my veggies and cream cheese.

 

[izzywizz]

I LOST 1LB!!!

 

[minusfour]

FANTASTIC !! Sugar is hard to give up, isn't it, but after a few days the cravings decrease.

 

[izzywizz]

Thanks Minus I was really surprised as I've not stuck to at all this week

Hmm, so, I only have two weeks left on my WW subscription, and I'm kinda feeling bored with it. I've lost my enthusiasm, getting lazy about tracking my points etc.

I also have 2 weeks until my party and, ideally, I want to lose 8lbs. Well thats far too much for WW in a fortnight. I COULD lose 8lbs oh so easily, but the question I have to ask is: Will I be able to stop there? Would I be able to let the weight go back on, 8lbs plus a couple more? (Because unless I continued, it would.)

The problem is that many people go on crash diets, they lose a lot of weight quickly. No one worries about them, and they don't worry about themselves. But for me, I'm not sure if I SHOULD start restricting, even for a short space of time. It's just, right now, its VERY tempting. I know I could do it, be at my goal in two weeks time, but, is it worth it?

 

[minusfour]

Na, it's not worth it! You might not be able to stop, and anyhow, it mucks up your metabolism. Hopefully one day you won't have to think too much about food and weight, it's not worth doing any damage to your metabolism. I am quite obsessive at times about reaching goals, but sometimes this involves throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Silly. You'll lose close to 8 pounds if you try, eating well. A few weeks isn't going to make any difference.Go you!

 

[Pink!]

I totally agree with minusfour. I think that you know that you shouldn't otherwise you wouldn't be questioning it. Just continue to be sensible and take care of yourself!
Best wishes

 

[izzywizz]

Aw, you guys are sweet

Well, I've made a decision about it - you're right of course, it's NOT really worth it, even though I can talk myself into believing it is lol. But I'm only 1lb away from dropping a point anyway, and you can "save" 4 points a day regardless, so I've decided to eat 19 points a day instead of my usual 22 t0 24, with the allowance of eating up to 4 more if I REALLY NEED to. I think this is a good compromise, and doesn't cut out any food, whereas if I were to just restrict myself to, say 1000 cals a day, I would have to cut out things like pasta and "proper" bread. (I HATE nimble, best not even go there if I don't have to )

So, 19 points a day as of tomorrow, lets hope it works and I stick to it.

Oh, I'm also breaking a very silly rule of mine - I'm RAISING my GW. to 12st 8, BMI 25.3, . That gives me 6lbs to lose, not 8. At least its possible with sensible eating and exercise. 8lbs in a fortnight is, if I'm honest too tempting a challenge.

 

[minusfour]

I'm so proud of you!

Izzie, the part of you that is tempted is the same part that has lead you astray with the no eating policy in the past. It's dangerous, in all sorts of ways. I'm really pleased to hear your decision. Go moderation!

If you ever falter, ask me about the time I broke my leg. Jogging. In my 30s!

 

[izzywizz]

ooooh, tell me!

 

[izzywizz]

Right, today. I ate the following:

Special K and strawberries
An apple
WW tomato soup and a sandwich made with ww bread, ham and extra light philli, A pink n white and some sugar snap peas
A yogurt and some cucumber
A slice of birthday cake (MORE work birthdays!)
A jacket potato with flora light and a corn on the cob
another pink n white

Thats LOADS of food, regardless of the points value (which is 17, btw) or the calories (1,400 ish)
So I'm not eating any more tonight. Its got nothing to do with weight loss, I just don't feel I NEED any more food.

I also did 30 minutes gardening, a twenty minute walk and 30 minutes on the Wii fit.

So, a good day

 

[izzywizz]

I know this diary is getting whiny, but I need to get this out. No one needs to read the following, its pure, selfish, venting of feelings:

I HATE my body, even now, after years of therapy, I struggle to look in the mirror and just see ME. I see my fat thighs, my wobbly stomach, my huge hips. I suck everything in and see my ribs, I want to see them all the time again. I miss my hip bones.

I feel HUGE. I mean, I feel obese. Medically, I'm a little overweight. by such a small amount that my Dr told me today He would be happy for me to maintain or even GAIN a couple of lbs. I think he's lying to me. I think he told me that because he doesn't want me to get to a healthy weight, because if I do that and continue to lose I might get ill again and that would cost the NHS money.

Its a ridiculous, unfounded, paranoid, eating disordered thought which has no right to enter my head, and yet it has, and it firmly remains there, taking up the space and making itself at home alongside my belief that I will break a plastic chair if I sit on it and the idea that everyone feels sorry for me because I'm so hugely obese.

The children at work call me "Big Izzy" this is because I am tall and the grown up Izzy, rather than "little Izzy" in year one. I know this, and yet I know more that they call me that because of my massive fatness.

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity, I see myself properly, see the size 14 body as it is, curvy and fine. "Normal" Not fat, not someone who should be ashamed to go into McDonalds, be paranoid that everyones thinking "God, Love, you want to lay off the Maccy Ds".

It feels good, those moments of clarity, but they're short lived. Someone thinner than me is a guaranteed trigger. I could look like her, slim, delicate and pretty. ED thoughts, still there all the time, no matte what I do. I can muffle Ana's voice but I can't silence her, "Don't eat that Izzy, you don't need those calories" And then, when I do "You fat cow, you should just die, you're so MASSIVE."

And now I 'm trapped in a semi recovery state where I hear the voice and eat to prove it doesn't control me, and yet, by eating to shut it up, I have gained weight, become what I always feared. Given it reason to call me fat.

At least, thats what I believe, in my head. And thats why, no matter what I do, I know I will never be thin enough. And I'm supposed to be recovered.

 

[minusfour]

I know, I know, it is awful. Give it time, sweetheart, it does get better. Promise.
The leg story is a cautionary tale. After how ever many years of distorted eating- I always thought I had enough time to address any damage I was doing, that was years away- I went jogging. I did excercise at the time, quite fanatically some might think, but I wasn't a runner. For one thing, I smoked. Quite a bit- I thought it helped me control my weight, and as I've said, all those health consequences were a long way off. So, off I went, and of course I wasn't very good, and didn't last very long, but I was very determined. So the next day I went again. On the second day, my leg hurt a bit, nothing dreadful though-it was more my gasping for air that ended the run. On the third day, my leg really, really hurt. Which was strange, 'cause I hadn't fallen over, or twisted anything. I didn't try to run on the forth day, I could barely walk by then. My leg was pretty swollen, and I had a pronounced limp. I tried ice baths, hot packs, painkillers- nothing worked much. I gave it rest. A week past, and I was still swollen, and still limping around in agony, so I went to the drs.
I'd done some damage to my bones, and in it's weakened state, my tibia had just snapped by running 500metres. (The damage done by extreme dieting) I was 32. Luckily, there was some time left to repair the damage, but that really was down to luck. Lots of people are not so lucky.
Darling, I distinctly remember trying on a LBD for some do in a shop, and being mortified about how hideous my body was in those mirrors. Pretty much as you have written above. The difference was that at that point, I was quite underweight. I put my body through all of that, and felt exactly as you do. I know you have a history of same darling. It is a real struggle. It's really tough, especially when you are actually carrying a few pounds afterwards. It does get easier though, much easier.
A dr once told me that there is no such feeling as "fat". We have all had days when we felt fat, but he suggested that we were feeling something else, and attributing it to the easy answer- our disatisfaction with our bodies. I learnt a lot when I started to explore what else I was feeling, when I felt fat, (cause I still did), and this was a real help.
Darling you do need to address some problems, but I don't think these are really associated with your body. (Perhaps the way you see you body though)
I'd rather have a fat leg than a broken one! Keep you chin up!

 

[izzywizz]

Ouch, Minus, thats horrid Did it make you change your ways though? A wake up call? Mine came when a child I was working with genuinely thought I had cancer. Her Aunt had died from the illness, and she thought I looked so pale, skinny and generally crap that I must be dying too.

Can I also assume that you're like me? In that you've gone from a very low weight to being overweight? Forgive me if I'm wrong, its only because you post on here
I'm struggling so much right now - when I first went in to recovery, once the re-feeding bit was over and done with, I dealt with the "voice" by eating to prove it didn't control me. Now I'm in a horrid position of listen to my ED thoughts and lose weight, which is what I need to do, or fight the thoughts and continue to gain. I'm still not able to silence the thoughts, I can't just ignore them, they drive me insane. I feel crazy for feeling like this. my Dr's are telling me its "normal" for someone with a history of ED and I'll possibly NEVER be totally ok, and that upsets and scares me even more because then I think I should just give in to it as it's always going to be there anyway.

They tell me I've done incredibly well, that its better too be a few pounds overweight than a few pounds underweight, that I'm ok, fine, "low level" And yet, I don't FEEL ok. I do for a period of time, be it hours, days or sometimes even weeks, but it always comes back at the first sign of stress or weight gain. I fight it, try to replace Prettythin with Minimins, thinspo google searches with plus size model searches, but I look at them and see fat, not curves. I'm so horribly judgmental, I look at a fat person and HATE them, but I know I actually hate myself, it's a way to vent the anger I feel at myself.

Urgh, I'm sorry, ranting again. I will be better soon. These moods come and go. I've totally lost control this week, I've been binging horribly and obsessively weighing and exercising to "undo" the damage. It's not working though - I've gained 3lbs and a big part of me just wants to eat myself into obesity again. I don't even know why.

Sorry, I know diaries are supposed to be somewhere you can rant like this, but usually you don't inflict these thoughts on others!

On another note, I start my new job with action for children on the 9th of August, which is exciting and scary!

 

[minusfour]

Never apologise for ranting on here sweet one! The leg did make me change my ways- other things in my life had changed too which helped-but jeez I was lucky the damage wasn't irreversible!

Health wise a few extra pounds won't do any harm- in fact in older people, those with BMIs over 25 have significantly longer lives.

It's not that though. Like you, I have gone from quite underweight to slightly overweight in a relatively short time. My husband said last night "you have very strong legs", and I betcha know what I heard! Sometimes it seems a constant struggle.

I guess everyone struggles with something though- you have to keep reminding yourself of that, it's not just you! The method I used- extreme control of diet and excercise- was a diversionary extravaganza really. I felt bad/angry/shamed- and instead of being able to understand why, and try to address the reasons, I repackaged it. It was about my body, and on that I could act.

Although it was, for some time at least, quite an effective diversion, there were, apart from weakening my bones, some distinct disadvantages. I was depressed, and anxious, all the time, because I was malnourished. I was constantly preoccupied with food and excercise, so I rarely did anything fun, or worthwhile. I had no resilance-if something went wrong, I had no coping skills. I fell in a heap. Career wise it was suicidal- I worked, and worked hard, but the anxiety, and lack of ambition stopped any real progress. With eating disorders, your lack of ability to cope becomes public currency-everybody has a theory, (mostly half ar8ed), and everyone knew that denial was the classic symptom, so don't even try it! I remember once visiting a lawyer, about some quite routine matter transferring money- and he said to me you are obviously very ill, which had absolutely nothing to do with anything. My life was tea room gossip fodder. Not that I had much of a life. My family were frantic, which, rather than concern me, just made me angry. I was completely self engrossed.

Izzie, it is all such a waste darling. It solves nothing.

You have to find a way, other than eating too much, to fight the voice. Perhaps you can declare yourself the winner of the initial round-you are no longer skeletal, you are seeking help- and learn to fight it by taking really good care of yourself. And looking at any problems that you might have been running from. (I don't think the eating disorder is necessarily the cause, often I think it is the symptom) It doesn't have to be over, or underweight, you will find a way!

 

[izzywizz]

Thank you so much Minus I can relate to EVERYTHING you describe, and sometimes it does me good to remember that it's not JUST ME. Thats part of the draw to pro ana forums - don't worry though, my BF blocked them and I can't figure out the password lol.

I smiled at the strong leg comment, because I read FAT LEGS like I know you heard. It's like when people tell me I'm looking healthy - they mean fat!
I'm really glad that your ok now, although I often want to give in to my disorder, I'd never wish it on anyone else, it's so consuming, like you describe and I KNOW it's not worth it, but my head is still divided into "Izzy" and "Ana" Urgh, I HATE that term, naming an illness, but it IS like someone else in your head, its NOT ME. lol, I sound like a crazy person.

Oh, my therapist and I have spent many a session going through my life, my experiences and my feelings to work out WHY I developed anorexia. We can trace my issues back to nine years old, when I realized I was overweight and my Dad teased me for being "fat". It's ingrained in me. A lot of it stems from my parents constant dieting - they were happy losing weight, I learnt that was normal, it was backed up with my sisters confidence, and SHE was slim which confirmed my belief that thin = happy.

I doubt I'll ever resolve this completely, like my therapist says, its just about learning to accept myself. and that takes a lot of time and work. In the mean time I just need to enjoy the small moments of peace, and acceptance I experience from time to time.

Thank you so much, Minus, you've really helped me this week and I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my depressed and crazy ramblings x