So yesterday I had my 2nd introductory session at bodymorph, this time with a dietician, who was lovely. No judgement and listened to me and understood my needs. I really pushed that I am very aware of what I should be eating, portion size, combinations etc but my problem was psychological and that I follow a cycle of binge and starve.
So, just to clarify - my cycle goes like this -
Phase 1 - Oh I am so fat and disgusting, I am going to lose weight *insert diet here*
Phase 2 - Getting on with the diet, doing relatively well
Phase 3 - I really don't fancy any food any more/everything disgusts me/I cba to cook/I dont want to leave the house * delete as appropriate
Phase 4 - Binge. Binge like there's no tomorrow. Binge til I vomit. Binge til I hate myself, regain any weight Ive lost plus more, feel disgusted in my appearance and eventually revist phase 1 to restart the cycle.
So I am just moving in to phase 3 right now, eating weird things - generally bad food and then eating nothing to compensate, I feel phase 4 around the corner, haunting me. BUT. This is the longest time I can remember being in phases 1,2&3 without getting to 4. The cycle is can be as short as 2 weeks and generally no longer than 2 months.
I am into my 5th month which is fricking awesome! SO YEAH. Back to the actual story.
She asked me what phase I was in, I said 2/3, she asked me what help I wanted and I said, I want coping mechanisms. I want ways to stop myself reaching phase 4. I want to go back to 2 without having to go through 3,4 and 1. It was so refreshing that she didnt feel the need to push diet plans and meal ideas and portion control. She was really versatile and said that I was clearly very perceptive and knew what I was talking about and that my main issues are mental so she is going to help break patterns and habits. So for the next 2 weeks I have 2 challenges. Eat breakfast every day - no matter how small. and try to eat at roughly the same times each day. Form some patterns. I really feel like this is a doable step for me. It also feels like coming at things from a different way.
I have spoken before about my worry that my goal - graduation in October, is too far away and is more daunting and intimidating than an effective motivator. So Ive got an interim goal! YAY.
So I have my next 6 week block (5 to go), the ending of which coincides with my dissertation hand-in, the week after I am having a party to celebrate and a sort of house warming. So I am aiming for -12lbs over the next 6 weeks.
or 1 stone exactly If I am thinking about my party the week after. So I am 4lbs down / 10 to go
16 stone 13 is the goal weight - I know being in the 16s would make me feel awesome. 4/5 years ago I was that weight.
I really hope I can do this.