Minerva's all grown up...

[Minerva]

Thought of the day: 'A sandwich is not going to write your essay for you.'

Over the last week I've been under an extraordinary amount of stress. Lack of sleep, a lot of studying and trying to write a good piece of work are on their own very difficult to deal with. But it wasn't just that... Life is never easy and straight forward... While the event that happened WAS a wonderful thing - it happened at a time when I can't possibly deal with it. Finding the right property to buy is an immense task - and it seems that the property found me. All in the span of a week, writing an essay AND going through an emotional rollercoaster with property approval, purchase, so on and so forth ...

You can imagine.

The thing is - I saw the demon coming, and I kicked him away. I was very stressed. And I found rogue thoughts for me to look for food 'as comfort'. I knew I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't even emotionally 'phantom' hungry. I was looking for comfort by eating. I didn't eat of course - but I can see how in the past I would not have logically thought it through. I'd have had the IMPULSE to find answers in a piece of food.

I had long since de-trained myself from 'impulsive' behaviour. I don't impulse buy - so shop tactics of random product placement don't work on me. Advertising doesn't work either. When someone tells me I need something, I ask 'But why?'. Question everything.

And this 'eating impulse' - I did not let it catch me off guard. I wanted food to solve my problem of emotional distress. I wanted it to make the stress go away. ... But at the end of the day, I thought to myself... Even if I eat this *whatever* ... the essay will still be there. The emotional turmoil will still be there. I will still have to deal with the situation - and stalling it by wasting time on this *whatever* is only going to make the problem worse by making me feel emotionally worse in the long run.

And on another note - usually at a time like this - even though I'd given up smoking a year ago, when I'd get so terribly stressed to the point of crying, I'd yearn for a smoke. ... not this time. Something's changed. By actively giving up the vices - it's really make me able to confront my problems head on.

After all... if you can't solve your own problems - nothing will make them magically go away. They will still be there, and the longer you run, the bigger they'll grow.


x

 

[thin_inside]

Ooh Min - exciting times - a new property of your own! Yes, it is a stressful experience waiting for all the agreements etc, but so lovely to allow yourself to think about living there. Your own place. Dream. Allow yourself the luxury.

I hope you have finished the essay. Stress and lack of sleep have been my downfall recently and I hope, in time, I discover a small amount of your strength.

 

[Minerva]

Heya T_i... How are you doing? Keep strong - it really does need to come from within. I've long since learnt that the only people we can rely on are ourselves (as sad as that sounds...) - but if we can't trust ourselves to do the right thing, then why and how can anyone else say anything more? When I make a mistake, it's often because I forget to actually ask MYSELF ... And more often than not, I have to go with my first instinct.

As far as the property ... well we haven't got it, there are so many complications. My partner and I are on an emotional rollercoaster with it... And to make matters worse the boiler unit has completely broken (again!) in our flat, so no heating or hot water at all. They can't actually fix it, and to replace it some serious piping for new parts needs to be constructed (i.e. turning this flat into a building site)... AND getting approval from the landlord to spend upwards of two-grand will take a while... so either way I'm being forced to move - with nowhere to go.

At this week's Monday weigh-in I noticed I lost another 1lb. ... not good. I am trying to stop counting in my head, but because I know approximate values it's a lot harder than it seems. I am eating a balanced diet though and not restricting any substance or food group at all... well except for the obvious cakes/biscuits/crisps ... junk food that I just don't see as necessary unless it's a 'special' occasion. But even then - small amounts.

I dunno... The stress is mounting, the new University term starts on Tuesday next week and the Study-Rollercoaster will begin from the beginning again. Then the jerking about with his wonderful property... I really like it but there's a lot of dodgy business going on, and I wish I just knew whether it was either finally sold to someone else or we could have it... *sigh*

And over-crutinizing extra few spoonfuls of yoghurt for my pudding last night still puts me on edge. It was 'just to finish the tub' - or was it for myself to have a little more than usual? Was it greed, or was it 'just because'? Did I want a little more because I "deserved" a little more? ... stupid brain. Wish it would shut up sometimes.


Hm...

 

[Minerva]

Gone up to Sheffield for the weekend, guess must confess my sins here! Lol, not that I couldn't do with relaxing a little around food.
Started the day off with some puffed oats and Jordan's plain muesli... Then an M&S 3 Bean Salad and an apple. All fine and good, but I guess I had plans to 'relax' a little and allow myself a bit more than usual; because in the long run, I know that when I'm at home I follow my routine of cutting things out and not snacking at all. So I know I won't do any "damage" that way - it is just to broaden my boundaries a little and get back into a more healthy mindset?..

Well, oki, since food is a little bit more out of my control - we went to a wonderful Gastro Pub for dinner - had a veggie 'bean' burger (gave the bun away as I can't handle white bread), salad with a vinigrette sprayed on it, a lovely side portion of green peas, and had a few chips. Oh No!! Chips! Didn't have many, but I guess I still feel a bit bad about them. Then I had half a pint of a peach beer, which was interesting.
Got home, and had 2.. oh my god, TWO chocolate truffles! (I'm trying to make it sound a little ridiculous to myself, so that I stop over-dramaticising every mouthful)... And a few large handfuls of Cheesy Dorito chips. And a satsuma. And about 5 almonds.


... I need to slap myself lol. Granted the Dorito's were unnecessary and were purely a greedy action. I didn't need them and I wasn't hungry. But I wanted some. I know just 'wanting' isn't good enough, and I never give in to the WanWant monster on regular occasions. But today I allowed myself.

I just hope I can relax a bit tomorrow as well... arghh. Head fluff isn't nice. Hope these Dorito's and the guilt of having a handful of chips won't like drive me insane? ...

Trying to break these routines is quite hard work - because eating healthy is all fine and well, and I love it, enjoy it and it makes me feel good - but it does cut out and makes me paranoid about a lot of food - which makes a lot of social activities awkward and my flexibility in eating habits very limited and difficult. I need to learn to not be scared to compromise and meet people half way. I don't want to become that 'odd' person who 'only' eats a 'certain type' of 'diet' ... because from experience i know how annoyed I used to get with my stepmum's sister - who insists on everything gluten, preservative, caffeine, whatever - free, along with everything being organic too. And fairtrade. And .. ARGGGHHH. Just wanna slap her.

 

[Minerva]

Had a fried breakfast this morning - our friends were making. Had a large portion of baked beans (mmm, love baked beans), cooked mushrooms, a fried egg and a tomato.
Resisted temptations throughout the day of things, it is hard to sometimes justify NOT to have something - especially when you're outside of your 'comfort zone' and out-and-about. At home it's easier because it's part of the routine. It's that "holiday feeling" that one has to fight, when we try to justify "treats" because we're on "holiday". Lol. It's all quite silly.
Had half a baked potato with 3-Bean Chilli at Meadowhall in Sheffield... was a bit mank to be honest. ...!
Had a small sip of my boyfriend's Starburcks Coffee Frappuccino, but whenever I do have a small tiny bit I remind myself how much I don't like these items. I'm happy with a bite of someone else's and I wouldn't want one of -something- for myself. I was tempted by an Oat Cookie all day from one of those cookie stands, and it was an idea which was hard to let go. But I know that when and if I ever have some cookie I wretch because it's so excruciatingly sweet. But the fact that I bought it sometimes brings guilty feelings that 'I should finish'... or sometimes the greed of 'but, but, but... I WANT'.
So I didn't give in to the cookie because I justified it - at the end of the day I know I wouldn't enjoy it. Might as well save my hunger for when I have dinner in a few hours time. Glad I did. Looking forward to some nice garlic chicken with lots of veg. And maybe a lovely Thorntons chocolate truffle to finish. Mmm.

 

[Minerva]

... I need to remember to breathe.

Trying to remain calm, doing one thing at a time, but still inevitably panicking to the point of hyperventilation. I don't stop though, and mostly am just focusing on remaining calm even though inside my heart is pounding out of my chest with all the worry and stress I have at the moment.

Inevitably it does make me want to eat and reach for ... strangely enough - chocolate. Why is it chocolate? I don't even like chocolate very much - I've never been a fan of it. I honestly can say I don't enjoy it very much. ... So why the hell do I want to pig out on it when I feel extremely chaotically stressed?? ... ... while I don't actually go and have any (exercising self-control) - I still have to question why. Chocolate won't solve the problem - but is there something chemical about it that we don't know much about that drives us to need the satisfaction from it in times of stress? I know there have been some studies done on the rise of seratonin levels when we have some cocoa. But surely that can't be the only thing? I have never had much of a chocolate-tooth, so ... I can't say I've ever let my brain equate it with happiness or well-being.

...will have to ponder that one for a while longer.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Don;t you do chocolate truffle tasting periodically? Could it have something to do with that? I know it I have a bit of choclate, I always seem to want more, where if I go days/weeks without it I don;t give it a second thought?

 

[Minerva]

Naaah, it's got nothing to do with the chocolate tasting club. I don't do it very often, and I never 'indulge' in it when I feel low or stressed. Only when I'm calm and relaxed and don't actually WANT any chocolate. ... and I have no cravings related to after I have the tasting - only for about 5 minutes after I have one. But I never have more, and the craving goes away.
I understand your concern though - and it's a logic step to make. To be honest most of the time I crave an apple!! Haha, I look forward to my apple mid-afternoon snack. Fruit is wonderful, thank god for frozen summer fruits!!! I love the sour black and red currants especially...

.....Speaking of which... I want some yoghurt and berries! Off I go to find some. Mmmm.

 

[Laura Croft]

Hi Min,

I'm another maintainer. I am the same as you - I don't actually really like chocolate but still want it sometimes when I'm stressed. I wonder sometimes if it's a habit of a lifetime and in some ways I used to go for banana sandwiches as they were a comfort food for me when I was little, maybe chocolate is just what my brain thinks of instead of something like exercising or journalling.

I've never really read into that chocolate research but know what you are referring to.

This is going to sound odd but I'm also wondering if I actually do like chocolate and have just always denied it because I'd been telling people I never like sweet things. I prefer savoury food, no doubt about that but maybe I like chocolate more than I think I do.. Weirdly, the only chocolate thing I'm enjoying at the moment is the CD chocolate shake as a mousse and that's because it doesn't have the fatty taste of chocolate.

 

[Minerva]

Officially this is now the biggest test of ... all this.

I have moved out of my flat - and with it, I have lost all the controls, regulations, boundaries and comfort zones which I had set up. Now I'm thrown into a setting with my boyfriend's parents, living out of a suitcase, not knowing where any of my stuff is - not knowing where to begin with my coursework because everything is all over the place, not having enough time to sort anything out, and not knowing even where I'll be living in 2 weeks time.

I'm now also in a house where they look at me and know I have had a little trouble with food and in a way I'm pressured to eat more, I know I should, and now I do.
But with it - comes that WANT monster, because of the pressure to eat more - it's opened the floodgate of the excuses to have more. Have an extra slice, have an extra handful, nibble on something... I do try to watch it. But it's increasingly more and more difficult to justify not to.
There's a lot of food around the house too - my boyfriend's mum has a problem with nibbling, grazing, and generally comfort eating... And I know I have come from exactly the same problem - something I have tried so very hard to overcome. Being around someone who has the habit I have been trying so hard to break - makes it more difficult to avoid.

I'm scared because I feel out of control. Things are out of my hands and I'm grabbing at straws, trying to keep my life and my sanity together - and nothing, NOTHING makes sense at the moment.

Perching on someone's doorstep, digging around a big box full of hay - trying to find the needle, not knowing if the needle is even there at all - yet I only have 5 minutes to locate it. That's how I feel right now, and with it, the desperation, the stress of having no normality AT ALL, the overwhelming lack of control and comfort is all building up inside.

I think about food all the time, and i try not to have too much. But the pressures from my boyfriend's parents, my boyfriend are becoming very strained. I also feel desperate because I hate the way my body looks, I tried size 8's in Next the other day and they were too big and it made me despair. It gives me another "head-excuse" to eat more, which I don't want to go into a habit of.
I find it harder to stop looking for food after meals. I find it harder to stop looking into cupboards when I'm alone. I find it harder to just... say... no.

I need some normality in my life to start building my comfort zones up again, my own boundaries that I know won't change. I need my own space. I need at least some decision making left up to me. I know I still CAN control how much goes ONTO my plate - despite not having ANY control over what food I'm eating or how it's cooked. I try not to have too much. But sometimes I have to give in to what they do "not to be difficult" and annoying.

... I guess I had to vent my frustrations somewhere... and this is the only safe place I know. I feel so much pressure right now, dealing with a lot of things that I'm completely unfamiliar with, a lot of uncertainties over my immediate and long term future, and a sense of impending doom of not being able to get into the right 'head-space' to do my studying for my Masters. I feel like I'm failing at that as well. I can't handle everything all at once like this... It's ... too... much... and the eating thing on top of it all... trying to control the deep seated monster among absolute chaos.

... I need to breathe. Take it one day at a time. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Do my best, day by day. Do my best, hour by hour. Don't give in. Don't give up.

Be patient.

 

[girloutdoors]

So sorry to hear you're struggling.

How about trying to plan your eating/calorie count? Not in a try and eat the minimum number of calories kind of a way, but in a set yourself a realistic amount (like 2000cals a day) and work out how you are going to meet that. If I'm doing a lot of exercise I need to eat around 4500 cals/day to maintain. I went through a phase of finding it really difficult because it gave me a major excuse to eat more, eat too much, eat uncontrolled... Now I plan it because that way if I'm having a bad phase I can plan to eat all the calories within very set meal and snack times. If I'm in a more controlled phase I know I can let myself graze and just keep a running total. I can also just adjust the target to suit the training plan for the day and whether I'm trying to lose or maintain that week.

Could you try planning to bulk up your meals to take away the need, and therefore the excuse, to do uncontrolled snacking?

 

[Morticia]

I've not got any great advice Min. Just wanted to send you some support hun. Have you thought about trying meditation when to help you through this difficult time. It sounds like you need to escape to somewhere safe, possibly inside yourself to find some calm. I hope it passes quickly.

 

[Minerva]

Thank you girloutdoors for you advice - however, counting calories is extremely damaging for me. I can't keep to a limit because I will keep undercutting, and I know I will try to undercut to below 1200 calories per day if I know the values.
Instead I just reason with myself and am setting up boundaries of not eating anything more than what I serve myself on the plate. No 'grazing' without someone else in the room (so that it doesn't develop into secret eating). Keep reminding myself not to make excuses to eat - so far, it's working. I just need to remember not to get into "mindless" picking at things, which is fairly easy if I get into the habit again.
Thing is, I'm really feeling a little desperate too - I want to buy some nice clothes, feel good... but nothing fits in the shops. I went into New Look today, tried on their size 8's, and all were ... a very bad fit, loose, baggy in places... Skinny jeans look terrifying on me, I have a bit of a sticky outy belly, but death stick legs... absolutely flat chest, I honestly disgust myself, probably more so than when I was fat - this is all very alien to me.

Ugh... I'm a mess. I do indeed need to escape somewhere, but ... I don't know where. I have no place to go, nothing even inside that I can run away to... I'm not a very social person, so being around people all the time is very, very hard and stressful. I can't even go for a walk because it's so bloody cold outside - and the cold makes me want to cry... it's painful.

*sigh* ... I'll get over it. I have patience. I'll get there. I know it will be ok.

 

[Jezebella]

Thinking of you Min

All will be well my friend, just take it one day at a time. Moving is so stressful so just take a little bit of time out each day for you and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Jez
xx

 

[thin_inside]

Hugs Min. You have come so far. Keep a hold of yourself and make sure you have some time for you. Thinking of you at this stressful time. Always really hard living out of boxes and in someone elses home on an uncertain temporary basis.

Thinking of you. xx

 

[daisydoll]

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Seems we all have our good days and have our bad days... I suppose the key is not to let the bad days spiral out of control - and never to give up trying. --

Not to the point of starting a new diet every week - that's the wrong attitude. I have tried not to let the feeling "Oh what the hell, I'll start again tomorrow" take hold. Why put something off until tomorrow which you can do today? Limiting the damage should start with the realisation that something has gone too far. Don't get me wrong - sometimes I DON'T stop - but only in instances when I'm genuinely enjoying something very, very much. I DO stop on most occasions when I am gaining NO SATISFACTION at all anymore.

So keep self-critical, keep positive, and most importanly take every day as it comes - every day is an opportinity to show yourself that you CAN achieve; it should never be a race to "make up" for another day's losses. You screwed up? So? Put it behind you - otherwise you'll forever be chasing yesterday's ghosts.

 

[kenshin112]

Seems we all have our good days and have our bad days... I suppose the key is not to let the bad days spiral out of control - and never to give up trying. --

Not to the point of starting a new diet every week - that's the wrong attitude. I have tried not to let the feeling "Oh what the hell, I'll start again tomorrow" take hold. Why put something off until tomorrow which you can do today? Limiting the damage should start with the realisation that something has gone too far. Don't get me wrong - sometimes I DON'T stop - but only in instances when I'm genuinely enjoying something very, very much. I DO stop on most occasions when I am gaining NO SATISFACTION at all anymore.

So keep self-critical, keep positive, and most importanly take every day as it comes - every day is an opportinity to show yourself that you CAN achieve; it should never be a race to "make up" for another day's losses. You screwed up? So? Put it behind you - otherwise you'll forever be chasing yesterday's ghosts.

damn straight couldn't agree more

 

[evianne]

Thank You for such insightul writing Minerva...

:thankyou: All of your posts are full of wisdom and deep thinking and everything you are describing you've felt (eg deep hunger, control issues etc etc) is exactly where I 'm coming from.
Thank you again, I will keep looking out for more of your posts to help my path.