My parents are to blame!

[Katycakes]

Lyn, good luck with your journey. Whatever the reasons it starts, overeating quickly turns into a vicious circle and any comfort we once got from it fast becomes history! I have been reading a lot about compulsive eating just lately, trying to work things out for myself so I can break the patterns, and everyone says that if you go on doing it you must be getting some payback from it, ie, it must be on a deep level, what you really want. If that's true then the only reason that fits for me is that I am punishing myself as the overall feeling is just self-loathing, disgust, etc. And on some level I feel I deserve that.
Lyn, reading about your struggles through high school made me so sad. I hope things are better for you now... bullying causes so much damage. And I was thinking, over-eating is maybe another form of self-harm, less obvious, and more easily confused by our parents who think they are showing love when they allow us to do it... but they wouldn't let us cut, would they?
Big hugs Lyn. One book I'm reading just now is Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating bu Gillian Riley, saw it mentioned on these pages, have found it has alot of good sense in it, maybe helpful for you too...
xxx

 

[Lynn8124]

Thanks Katy x. I've read Gillian Riley's book but didn't do much for me, horse for courses I suppose, scuse the pun lol.

 

[Katycakes]

OK... will carry on with the Gillian Riley in the hope that it's got some helpful stuff for me, anyway! I hope you find some answers elsewhere honey, and if you do please share! Hugs,
xx

 

[slendablenda]

Good for you ladies,
For me the whole key is starting to let yourself analyse and understand those dark feelings locked inside.
Once you can do that the fear starts to subside, you feel a little more in control and start to think "why am I punishing myself by adding all this weight - it isn't punishing anyone else? "
Then get on with it, as you start to re-emerge the self-confidence starts to ooze in and you are on your way.
Good luck.

 

[Huseyin]

Firstly wow porgeous you look amazing what a beautiful figure

I don think blaming anyone other then yourself if right, its very easy to shift blame to people, Ok i agree people in our lives may have influenced the way we eat, like for example i used to race against my grandfather to see who could eat the fastest as he used to inhale food off his plate and was overweight. Now eating fast is one thing that leads to being overweight, however i dont blame him, i have been overweight for years and i knew what to do about but just didnt change it.

We all know how to eat healthy, we all know that exercise is key, you cant blame others for not choosing to change when you was old enough and wise enough to do it.

Look on the bright side though, you have now addressed the issue and you are changing and you are on the way to looking the way you have wanted to look. So you see the power to change always lay with you and blame was always ours.

 

[Ivy]

Parenting never comes with a manual.

No one knows whats right and wrong and alot of parents equate love with food. its nurturing or seen as nurturing. And 'back in the day' there really wasnt alot known about nutrition as there is now.

and to be fair we are at a disadvantage being in a colder country as our warmer country counterparts would have fresher foods at a much cheaper price, warm weather to be more active, particularly in our childhoods anyways.

Ivy

 

[Katycakes]

So right, Hus & Ivy. I think most of us posting on here started out maybe looking for someone to blame - or exploring childhood patterns anyway - and ended up very quickly seeing that we have nobody to blame but ourselves. It doesn't matter if there are skewed relationships involved, it's the way we deal with those at the end of the day. And I have definitely realized that my mum has had a lot of problems of her own, which I didn't even think of, but are kind of obvious once you start to look beyond yourself.... and I feel a much warmer connection now, less hurt, and no blame. So the thread title is probably misleading... I know this thread has taken me, anyway, on a bit of a journey of discovery.
And Ivy, you're so right, we have no manual for parenting, we just do the best we can... what more can we do?
Thanks guys!
xx

 

[Georgiestar]

well I am quite fortunate because I used to eat chips mainly everyday at school, my friend was an influence too, but I did walk to school which took over half an hour and also I did PE and cross country, anyway i never had weight problems until now, and at the moment my brother hasnt got problems either, but sometimes i warn him not to overeat too much , just incase, hes only 14.

I know my dad was a bit overweight he eats fast and he used to eat alot of junk food and when I lived at the house he would serve up a pudding every night, but this didnt make me overweight, and he since lost the weight and didnt have to give up the puddings, it was only when I lived with my slightly overweight grandmother that I was putting on weight, so maybe it was because I was partly influenced by her, but I dont blame her because I was old enough to realise, but it was hard for me to say no because she would keep on offering, but now that ive moved its so much easier and joining a gym has helped me alot.

 

[Jesse]

I know what kind of problem this is - my parents were very generous also Only moving out helps

 

[mommyB]

my mum taught me to comfort eat, any thing wrong, upset-have some sweets, have a treat here's a donut. She also has a habbit of being very negative and outs me down at every opportunity it seems so the two kind of went hand in hand.
she does it with my kids too, tho thankfully she's not the only influence on them like she was with me so i do to some extent control what they have.
she used to mind my eldest when she was younger and i went back to work-liv likes chocolate so thats what she got- Had her first (and so far only filling at 5!!) so now i restrict some things to once a week or 1 a day cos i dont want them to have the same food issues as me and its not really a treat if you have it all the time

Taken me a while to learn that one !!

 

[Foxier]

I know exactly where you are coming from with this.

My mother is an extremely controlling woman, and the main way she does it is through food. "You can't have any pudding until you have cleared your plate." I'm sure that a lot of people have heard that. She is an excellent cook and of course I love puddings, biscuits, cakes, the sweet high carb stuff that is so damanging to me. So of course I rebelled, I used to do the binge eating thing and hide the wrappers - she used to go through the bin to see what had been thrown away - a total life control.

When I left home I could feed myself and I did, told myself that I could eat what I liked and no-one could control me, but of course I was letting my desire for revenge overwhelm me and I ate to excess in all the wrong things. I didn't bother to cook, I just ate a packet of biscuits, or had half a cake, and it all spiralled out of control.

So here I am, older but not really much wiser, with a teenage son of my own and a husband who is addicted to chocolate and coca-cola, I can't stop him eating and drinking the rubbish and my son follows his father, but... I don't have to do what they do. The penny has finally dropped, what I do I do for me, for myself and for no-one else, and if that sounds selfish then maybe it is. But until I can control why I eat and then ultimately what I eat, I am pretty much on my own.

So, did my mother make me overweight? Yes, she did, not by forcing me to eat, but by controlling what I ate and when and ultimately pushing me over the edge so that when I ate rubbish I was saying in my head "I can eat what I like and you can't stop me".

 

[Angelfish]

This is an interesting thread.I was mulling over this the other day and I have to say I don't blame my parents for my weight.It was circumstance.My Mum was seriously ill throughout most of my childhood,my Dad had made attempts to go out and work but unfortunately the severity of my Mum's condition demanded he stayed at home 24/7.

As a result we lived on benefits and,believe me,money was sparse.I didn't have the things that other kids had.This was in the mid 90s and as I recall most kids I knew had computers,nice clothes,holidays abroad etc. I turned up in the same clothes to school everyday and the closest I got to a proper holiday is when I went to visit my Auntie in whitby for a few weeks.We lived in poverty to be honest.My Dad figured if I was well he was doing well fed and I guess,looking back, there was the whole 'awww don't be sad,have a chocolate' thing going on.Can't afford to go on the school trip? Have a plate of chips.Upset about your mum going into hospital? Have some cookies.On it goes.So food is,naturally, a source of comfort for me.

So my parents may well have been responsible for my relationship with food,but I don't resent or blame them in anyway.They made mistakes like everyone else,but in all other respects they were wonderful,loving parents and I was quite a handful,a very difficult child to deal with and still they managed to tame me.That's just made me think of something actually,I remember being REALLY OCD about everything,I'd throw a hissy fit if something was out of place or just wasn't 'right'.I hated my routine being upset. I had 'my wee ways' as my mum always said of me.
I mean I was compulsive in the extreme.So maybe I'm a compulsive person by nature.....just a thought.Sorry.

x

 

[shrinkingannie]

This thread is fascinating reading. I don't know why I became overweight, I don't think my parents were at fault - I developed bulimia when I was 17 and experienced symptoms for about 10 years - in the course of treatment at various stages I still could not identify a cause. Yes there are things my parents did and said that contributed and others would say they were the cause - things like my dad weighing me when I was 16 saying I was getting fat and lazy and I weighed about 9 stone and my mum was forever on a diet and commented about the way we ate, but they meant no harm and did their very best for us. But anyway I find dwelling on the cause does not help me - I am an adult and I make my own choices now, and more importantly I am a mum now and I will influence my little boy and this new baby so I really want to find a healthy normal relationship with food so that is what they grow up witnessing.

 

[jan87]

I must agree that this thread is reallly interesting but i do have to disagree on putting the total blame on extrenal factors other than yourself. ive battled compulsive overeating for years and yes i do believe that my mom partly is to blame. i came from a family where i was the youngest by a long shot (17 years) and as a result of eating with adults i ate like an adult! i never remember getting a smaller portion. and i ate every last drop of every meal followed by the same biscuits my parenst would have with tea afterwards, and the same desserts. my dad used to take me out after school and give me chocolate. at weekends i got money to go to the shop with my friends etc. and yes when my mom did realise when i was about 12/13 that i was obese for my age she freaked and tried to take control of a situation that was a little bit more than out of hand. but alot of people has this type of lifestyle. my friend had the same upbringing but the difference was she has a super metabolism that allows her to literally polish of eveything all day and anyday and still be a size ten. however my argument is that yeah parents were to balme but they were only human, my friends all ate junk and my mom i think found it hard to stop me. but when i was 16 and began to work part time it was my mom and dad who started eating healthier but i was the one who kept buying all the big filled chicken fillet rolls and doritoes every day for lunch. i ate loads of choc and crisps and by the age of 17 i was 17.5 stone. my mom had done eveything to help me but i kept filling my mouth wth junk something which she did not do when i was a child. i not only suffer from a weight problem, but i have also beaten depression and am currently trying to overcome an agression problem. i tried blaming mom and dad for loads, but then a light bulb went off and now i realise that my habits are my own. i knew all the junk i ate made me fat and i still know that. im not saying that they didnt contribute to some of my attitudes but at the end of the day there sonly one person who can control how i live and what i put into my mouth and that me me me! i spent years blaming friends and family for all the burdens of my life and in the past 6 months ive let go and although things arent perfect and ive put on a stone since xmas, im the happiest ive been.