BARING MY SOUL ..apologies for long post.. if you like to usually skip through threads you may not want to read
. Soo.. I've got about 10 pages of all your posts to read as I have been AWOL for exactly one week. So il post this then go read.
I have confession to make that after hardest weekend last week ( i was fearing for my daughters life after she suddenly became ill and hubby was away so i was alone on a sunday ( i live miles from hospital)with 2 young children) my week just got worse and I fell off the wagon as hadn't planned properly and was very tearful and stressed-and then after a very deep dark week ( was getting back on track then friend had to have emergency amniocentesis on her bump and her hubby is in saudi and family in poland so she rang me to go with her as emergency- and although by then I had 2 desperately ill children and hubby still away i couldn't say no and had to go even tho I'm terrified of hospitals) and so i didn't make it back on wagon. So apologies to everyone here that I wasn't about to support but am thinking positive tomorrow is day 1 again and this time I have learnt a lot about myself and the reason behind my weight
. I have been the size I am for more than 6 years now and have conned myself that I know how to loose the extra few stones to get into a normal weight range but in truth I'm a self sabotager. I've always known that!.. But this week I realised other things. ( I've been beginning to read dr beck which has helped) but essentially I don't see what I eat as important. I don't plan and I don't value the food I put into my body as being nutrients that keep me healthy and alive. I have come to realise that I need structure to my eating. Without a diet plan to follow I just go crazy and the voice in my head doesn't stop me when making bad choices. Which is why in the past ww and sw has just not worked for me. Even exercise does not help as my saboteur kicks in and justifies that I've exercised so I can do what I like. I can see now that I need the controlled approach of CD to retrain me in how I view food - I can hands up honestly say the days I do CD I know I'm getting my nutrients and vits and minerals etc in their entirety. Hand on heart I can't say that about any other day in the last few years when I've just eaten what I've chosen for myself. I find cooking irritating and always take the easy option but I have begun to see that most of my life problems stem from my eating habits. I have been thru some bad years of depression- linked to how I feel about my image and how I feel within myself- I'm always tired.. Could sleep all day, struggling to look after the kids because I'm so exhausted and feeling bad about that too. Stressed because I can't seem to stick to an eating plan. Depressed because I feel like I'm trying to fight out of a paper bag and getting nowhere.. And finally I see. That I have to start taking care of ME.. I have to make sure I get the balance of nutrients and drink the water because it is the key to everything else. The only way I can do this Is to stick with CD and refocus on how I will cope with life at the end. If history repeats itself il loose 2 stone then gain it again in a month and be back to the beginning. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage it as I have very low motivation and very little support around me ( everyone sees me as the lazy girl who could have ok figure if she just stopped eating and bothered going to gym.. But they don't realise I go to the gym 4 days a week and it makes no difference so no one wants to support me because they think I'm lazy) I now know I have a problem with my relationship to food and that like any health issue if you don't change.. It won't change.. I now just have to convince myself that I can do it alone and rely on myself and work out how I am going to achieve a good relationship with food in the future. Not just 6 months from now but 6 years from now too.
thanks for reading peeps. X
Aw bless you, you've had a rough time of it recently. Hopefully things are on the up (not your weight though). I hope you can get back on track with your diet plans, don't beat yourself up too much about it, but get back on ASAP.
I'm reading a book that may or may not help some of us, it's helped me loads. It's called Brain Over Binge, Why I was Bulimic, Why Conventional Therapy Didn't Work and How I Recovered for Good, by Kathryn Hanson. The title put me off at first because I'm not bulimic, but it's more about her binge eating which I do associate with.
However the interesting part is about the brain and the signals it sends. Whether you're bulimic, a binge eater or just over eat its the 'animal' part of the brain that sends the signals you want to eat whether hungry or not. The thing about this is that the animal part of the brain can't make you act on the urges, it's the 'human' part of the brain that does this. So if you can separate the urges you can talk yourself out of it because its not a real urge (or something to that effect).
It's helped me because I recognise the feelings that come from and lead up to a binge, and I'm learning to just write them off as an impulse I can control. I've had yet another day involving getting stuck in snow and having to do an awful lot of walking up hill in deep snow. By the time I've got near home and the Spar shop I felt hellishly dizzy and sick and decided I needed carbs and other naughties to recover. I went into spar and came out with 6 eggs!! That's it!! In Spar I realised I'm not going to die if I don't eat carbs and naughty things, yeah it'd be lovely on a freezing horrible day to have a nice binge but I talked myself into having an SS+ meal instead, hence the eggs. Result!!
I'm still feeling dizzy but I'm guzzling water to try and counteract that. I know I won't have a decent loss this week because my poor body will have gone into shock, clamping down on every little bit of fat. But maybe inches will have gone instead??
