Opinions?

[Shirleen]

Just thought of something, a friend of mine gives out stars on Wednesday, he gets 14 stars, if he still has stars the following week he gets a reward, each star has a value, so for instance 14 stars might be a sleepover, 7 stars might be a trip, 1 Star might be a cake.
Each star represents a morning/afternoon, so if he's good up until lunchtime he gets to keep that one x

 

[AnnaFaraday]

Seems to me that he has everyone running round in circles, and he is enjoying it. He is the centre of everyone's attention - what fun!! Take away the fuss and you take away the fun.

I recently had to look after a young relative for a few days. She would always take ages to get ready to go out - nag, nag, nag, and she would still be sitting there. Until I got fed up with it, and instead of nagging her to get ready I got a book and sat on the sofa reading. There was a long silence until she asked what I was doing and I said I was waiting for her to get dressed, but meanwhile I was making good use of the time by reading. And she said - "but you haven't nagged me yet!" To which I replied, "no, can't be bothered any more, if you get dressed we will go out and if you don't I am quite happy reading. I can sit here all day," Ten minutes later she was dressed and ready!!

I am not saying this will always work, but a complete turnaround from your usual reactions can sometimes work wonders.

Another idea - a friend of mine got fed up with her stroppy son, and the way that stopping him doing things as a punishment never seemed to work. So instead of stopping him doing things, she stopped doing things herself. For instance, after one particularly difficult outburst, dinner was a cheese sandwich because she refused to cook. On another occasion she left all his favourite snacks off her shopping list; on another occasion she "forgot" to wash his favourite tshirt. No comment, no explanation, no argument - and she says that he is slowly learning that his lack of cooperation will mean a corresponding lack of cooperation on her part.

Some other things occur to me - have you had his eyesight tested? Is he having difficulty seeing things?

You say he is very bright - how bright? Is he maybe just bored because he is very intelligent?

Whatever it all is, hope something said here might help. Good luck!!

 

[*Emsie*]

Just thought of something, a friend of mine gives out stars on Wednesday, he gets 14 stars, if he still has stars the following week he gets a reward, each star has a value, so for instance 14 stars might be a sleepover, 7 stars might be a trip, 1 Star might be a cake.
Each star represents a morning/afternoon, so if he's good up until lunchtime he gets to keep that one x

Yes he does have a chart at school sort of like this where he earns minutes for a treat of his choice such as time on a computer or to play football, not sure how much it helps with his behaviour really though x

 

[*Emsie*]

Seems to me that he has everyone running round in circles, and he is enjoying it. He is the centre of everyone's attention - what fun!! Take away the fuss and you take away the fun.

I recently had to look after a young relative for a few days. She would always take ages to get ready to go out - nag, nag, nag, and she would still be sitting there. Until I got fed up with it, and instead of nagging her to get ready I got a book and sat on the sofa reading. There was a long silence until she asked what I was doing and I said I was waiting for her to get dressed, but meanwhile I was making good use of the time by reading. And she said - "but you haven't nagged me yet!" To which I replied, "no, can't be bothered any more, if you get dressed we will go out and if you don't I am quite happy reading. I can sit here all day," Ten minutes later she was dressed and ready!!

I am not saying this will always work, but a complete turnaround from your usual reactions can sometimes work wonders.

Another idea - a friend of mine got fed up with her stroppy son, and the way that stopping him doing things as a punishment never seemed to work. So instead of stopping him doing things, she stopped doing things herself. For instance, after one particularly difficult outburst, dinner was a cheese sandwich because she refused to cook. On another occasion she left all his favourite snacks off her shopping list; on another occasion she "forgot" to wash his favourite tshirt. No comment, no explanation, no argument - and she says that he is slowly learning that his lack of cooperation will mean a corresponding lack of cooperation on her part.

Some other things occur to me - have you had his eyesight tested? Is he having difficulty seeing things?

You say he is very bright - how bright? Is he maybe just bored because he is very intelligent?

Whatever it all is, hope something said here might help. Good luck!!

Oh yes he does love the attention I think. The way I tend to deal with him at home is to tell him how it is and what the consequences are if he doesn't do whatever he needs to be doing but I don't think its as easy in a class of 30 odd kids and there is no qualifying reason that will get him any support in school. Although he has always had difficulties in one way or another at school I feel that a teacher he had 2 years ago developed this work refusal circle/confrontation thing and because she wasn't willing as the adult to break the circle it has just spiralled but maybe that was just the year it was going to develop anyway.
He is very good at getting you into these nagging circles and will push it as much as possible bizarrely. i have used the ways you suggest as dealing with him at times and they do work but again at school its not as easy. If they could just leave him with the work and say get on with it until he did but he causes diruption in the class(talking to other kids, getting up for rubbers etc etc) and if sent out he will cause it throughout the school at times (going to other classes/toilet, messing about)
He is due another eye test but there were no problems last time he had it done.
He is very bright I believe, even without applying himself fully he is getting good marks and I do think there is an element of boredom at times but he is also very sensitive at times and doesn't want to fail at things so sometimes won't try if he thinks he won't do well and because he is bright he gets told he can do things and therefore should so sometimes it does go against him if that makes any sense.
He just doesn't fit the mould and unfortunately and though he is clever he isn't necessarily academic but obviously has a lot of years of it ahead before he can find his place that he does fit.....which hopefully will be something/somewhere good and not in with the wrong crowd etc!
Thanks for the help and much needed luck x

 

[AnnaFaraday]

"because he is bright he gets told he can do things and therefore should, so sometimes it does go against him if that makes any sense."

Oh yes, that makes a lot of sense - took me right back to my schooldays. I was "the clever one", my sister was "the pretty one". If I didn't do well at something, people would say "we didn't expect that of you". If I did do well, it was taken as a matter of course. Teachers told other pupils to look at me as an example - you can just imagine their reactions!

 

[*Emsie*]

"because he is bright he gets told he can do things and therefore should, so sometimes it does go against him if that makes any sense."

Oh yes, that makes a lot of sense - took me right back to my schooldays. I was "the clever one", my sister was "the pretty one". If I didn't do well at something, people would say "we didn't expect that of you". If I did do well, it was taken as a matter of course. Teachers told other pupils to look at me as an example - you can just imagine their reactions!

If it wasn't for the kids and the teachers schools would be a great place

Just got back from London and need to go out again so this wil be a quick one.

I haven't read this all but a friend of mine had a son exactly like yours and she signed him up to Army cadets at the earliest time.He is now 22 years old,went to Uni and is doing very well.He took notice of the leader and he was there whenever the son wanted to talk to someone.They would email each other.It took a while to change him but it was worth it.The son actually enjoyed being away at weekends camping and he started doing things at home.

Do you have a Scouts or Army cadets near you that your son could join.

I don't think he'd want to do it to be honest and I'm not sure if I would want him to though can see where you are coming from and glad it worked out for your friends son x

 

[Happy Holidays]

Just got back from London and need to go out again so this wil be a quick one.

I haven't read this all but a friend of mine had a son exactly like yours and she signed him up to Army cadets at the earliest time.He is now 22 years old,went to Uni and is doing very well.He took notice of the leader and he was there whenever the son wanted to talk to someone.They would email each other.It took a while to change him but it was worth it.The son actually enjoyed being away at weekends camping and he started doing things at home.

Do you have a Scouts or Army cadets near you that your son could join.

I think that's a brilliant idea, to give him something to challenge him & have some form of responsibility for his own actions & also responsibility for others.

I don't think he'd want to do it to be honest and I'm not sure if I would want him to though can see where you are coming from and glad it worked out for your friends son x

Oh I wouldn't discount it, I think it's a brill idea.

Up until a couple of years ago I was in an adult division of St John ambulance, and our cadet branch had quite a few cadet members that I'm sure in "real life" were classed as problem children, but were actually amazing assets to the organisation. Some had even risen to be leaders of their own groups (under adult supervision) and were thriving.

There are lots of non-military sorts of things (if it's the military side you don't like) - things like Scouts and St John ambulance cadets, Outwards bounds groups and the like - where children get challenged but it's non-academic, fun experiences, physical activities that may burn up some of their energy, and meet with children and adults that don't know them and their reputation so cant put them into pigeon holes.

Maybe worth a bit of research. The first few times he might not be into it but after a couple of visits he might be hooked.

^^^^ yay

 

[*Emsie*]

I really don't think he would join anything like scouts as he wouldn't think it was cool and I wouldn't want to direct him towards the military

 

[Happy Holidays]

I really don't think he would join anything like scouts as he wouldn't think it was cool and I wouldn't want to direct him towards the military

I know what you mean about the military (and scouts), I don't believe in violence & don't agree with any form of armed forces so I wouldn't encourage any of my children to join. In pricipal I think it's a good idea & a good starting point, maybe something else were he can have some control & perhaps have some sort or responsibility, mmmmmmmmmmm I'll have a think & see if I can come up with anything.

First thought............ do they have a mentor system at school, could he mentor other pupils?

 

[Happy Holidays]

I just wanted to add, with children you sometimes have to try lots of different things before you get the results you are after, sometimes it's the first thing you try, sometimes it's not Yep I'm talking from experience, DD was a little challenging.

 

[jaylou]

Being ex military, I would wholly recommend a career in any of our armed forces. It really is quite a brilliant life.

Cadets are great though and you really don't have to sign up to the real thing. They have some great weekends and training days.

 

[*Emsie*]

No disrespect to the military...more fear and ignorance on my part!

 

[jaylou]

Statistically you have more chance of being killed in an RTC on leave than you have on active service!

Still, I fully understand why it's not a risk people want their children to take.

Cadets is fab though I wanted my daughter to join but she wasn't up for it!