please make us laugh!

[fillymum]

There was an Irish prostitute who worked out of Dublin. One day, she went back to visit her family's home in the country side, where her father greeted her at the door. "Oh my darling daughter," he exclaimed. "Where have you been?" "Well dad," she replied "I've become a prostitute." "What!" he yelled, furious. "Get out of my house. I never want to see you again!" "But dad," she protested "I've made so much money. I bought you and mom a new car and a huge flat in the city. I've done all this for you, won't you let me in?" "Wait a minute," her father said "What is it you said you are?" "A prostitute, dad." "Oh, thank God!" he exclaimed, relieved. "I thought you said Protestant!"

 

[Maximus]

A book fell on my head today.


Ive only got myshelf to blame.

 

[Shirleen]

Paddy and Murphy are airline pilots. They've worked together for years. One day they're given a new route landing on an island neither had ever visited.
As they're coming on to land Paddy is shocked at how short the runway is and immediately brakes hard, with a shuddering, shearing noise he manages to stop the plane mere inches from the sea. Paddy, his face dripping in sweat from his efforts and shaking at the close call says "you know Murphy that has got to be the shortest runway I have ever landed on"
Murphy looks left and right them left again and replies " To be sure you're right to say it is the shortest, but. I'm for telling you it's also the widest I've ever seen"!

 

[twinkleboi]

What do you call a Dinosaur from Norfolk?

A veloci-tractor

I am amazing at bad jokes!

 

[Tinytootz]

A Enlishman's out walking in the highlands of Scotland and puts his hand in a stream to get a drink.

A nearby Scotsman shouts "Dinnae drink that! It's Full of cow s*** and sheep p***!"

The man answers in an oxford accent, "Sorry old chap, didn't quite hear what you said then"

The Scotsman shouts: "I said use two hand you'll get more!"

-----------------------

I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk.

He did a few laps.

- hope I do not offend any Scottish or English folks I am both, and it amused me

 

[Debridger]

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

 

[twinkleboi]

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

Hahahaha!!!

 

[Debridger]

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes

Sex with your husband- Legal and General
Sex on the phone - Direct Line
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare
Sex with a larger fella - More Than
Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh geezer - Privilege
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

 

[Clairebear1000]

What do you call a Dinosaur from Norfolk?

A veloci-tractor

I am amazing at bad jokes!

Hahaha that's my sort of humour!

 

[twinkleboi]

Ok this might make some of you laugh, at the time it happened to me I was furious but I can now laugh about it!

Yesterday I was almost ready to leave for work, all I needed to do was run downstairs, pop my socks and shoes on and leave the house.

As I took the first step on the stairs my foot was greeted with the warm squelch of poo, yes....barefoot!

I swore a bit and hopped to the bathroom to shower my foot!

It was disgusting!

 

[twinkleboi]

Hahaha that's my sort of humour!

Yay! Glad I'm not the only one!

 

[Maximus]

A Enlishman's out walking in the highlands of Scotland and puts his hand in a stream to get a drink.

A nearby Scotsman shouts "Dinnae drink that! It's Full of cow s*** and sheep p***!"

The man answers in an oxford accent, "Sorry old chap, didn't quite hear what you said then"

The Scotsman shouts: "I said use two hand you'll get more!"

-----------------------

I threw my cat into a swimming pool filled with milk.

He did a few laps.

- hope I do not offend any Scottish or English folks I am both, and it amused me

Well done on cleaning that first one up - would have been banned for sure in its original version

 

[Maximus]

I still remember play time at school,a bit of footy,sneaking a quick cigarette&having a quick grope behind the bike sheds......
I loved that caretakers job....


Mick says to Paddy "Shut your curtains next time you and the wife are having sex! The whole street were laughing at you yesterday!"
"Well" Says Paddy, "The laugh is on them because I wasn't even in yesterday!"


I started a new job with the samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning, but the b*ggers talked me out of it!


News just in - Al-qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti...
....if they go off, it could spell disaster


Little boy gets home from school and says 'dad,I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 25 years'.
The dad replies 'never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part'

I ordered dessert in a restaurant the other day and the waiter brought me a blindfolded horse. I said "For god's sake, I asked for mascarpone"


My boss reckons I'm a greedy pig and he said If I can get through a whole day without mentioning biscuits he'll give me a hundred quid! - " That's Nice" I said

 

[Shirleen]

I still remember play time at school,a bit of footy,sneaking a quick cigarette&having a quick grope behind the bike sheds......
I loved that caretakers job....


Mick says to Paddy "Shut your curtains next time you and the wife are having sex! The whole street were laughing at you yesterday!"
"Well" Says Paddy, "The laugh is on them because I wasn't even in yesterday!"


I started a new job with the samaritans last week. I tried to phone in sick this morning, but the b*ggers talked me out of it!


News just in - Al-qaeda have hidden bombs in tins of alphabetti spaghetti...
....if they go off, it could spell disaster


Little boy gets home from school and says 'dad,I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married for 25 years'.
The dad replies 'never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part'

I ordered dessert in a restaurant the other day and the waiter brought me a blindfolded horse. I said "For god's sake, I asked for mascarpone"


My boss reckons I'm a greedy pig and he said If I can get through a whole day without mentioning biscuits he'll give me a hundred quid! - " That's Nice" I said

Loved those! Even the son laughed at a couple!

 

[Stoo]

two parrots on a perch. One says "can you smell fish"

two goldfish in a tank. One says "how do you drive this thing"

 

[curvesncurls]

Bit un pc, but funny...

Paddy rungs the rape crisis helpline and says: "ok, I've got her pinned down, but I don't know what to do next..."

 

[Maximus]

Just had a water fight over at the park with a bunch of kids.
I won! - No one's a match for me and my kettle


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
**** me, Talk about Dyson with death ! !


Just noticed that dyslexia is an anagram of yellow.



Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!


I bought a 2nd car from Bonnie Tyler last year on ebay.
Wish I hadn't..... every now and then it falls apart.

 

[Tinytootz]

I bought a 2nd car from Bonnie Tyler last year on ebay.
Wish I hadn't..... every now and then it falls apart.

Fab

 

[Shirleen]

*True conversation with mother this evening, she mentioned that my brother Karl is too embarrassed to buy toilet rolls but that Pete would buy a chamber pot if she asked him to. "Too right, says I, he'd even haggle and tell the bloke he was taking the piss!" We both fell apart then! It's good to laff!

 

[fillymum]

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

or............................

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken