Really long winded - family problems

[Fatty_no_more]

Hi guys.
just not sure where to go from here really....

in short.

I have never gotten on with my dad. He is an evil nasty person and hima nd my mum finally split up 4 years ago.

They split the day after me and my husband moved in together and then when we got married i didnt want him to come but i invited him to keep the piece and wish i hadnt as he sat with a sour face all day.
His sisters get involved all the time nad tell me i should be the bigger person etc but i cant have any compassion for him theres so much water under the brideg and the only reason i have any contact with him is cos i do actually like my aunts and his side of the family.

It was my sons first birthday on nye and he was invited they werent as they are his great aunts and my son has 11 aunts and uncles who were comeing and we just didnt have the room.
When I called my dad on my sons birthday he went on about how he hadnt been there and how it would be lovely as none of my sons aunts and uncles were invited, they werent invted cos i didnt have the space.

So i emailed my aunt and she basically sent a long email back saying that i was out of order i should put myself in my dads shoes and he is hurt and blah blah.

He is an evil bitter and twisted lying old man. and i am seriously thinking of cutting all ties with him and his family just so i can get on with mine but then i will miss certain memebers of my family but i just cant deal with him in my life anymore.

I dunno what to do.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

 

[MadameLaMinx]

I have, at varying times, severed ties with both my parents. With my mother, I felt as though she was very manipulative and was having a really bad effect on my own feelings of self-worth. Nothing I ever did felt like it was good enough, and she made a number of decisions that I as a parent could not have ever condoned or made. It started to really eat away at me and I couldnt cope any more.

After one particularly bad incident, I cut all ties. I just couldnt keep putting myself through this any more, and it was the best thing I ever did. We didnt speak for 5 years, despite some half-hearted efforts by my brother to fix things, and in that time I spent a long time healing myself and building myself back up and learning more about myself as a person and stopped worrying about how she would view my decisions.

We are on much better terms now, and she doesnt play any of the games she used to because she knows I am perfectly capable of coping on my own and walking away if I am not happy.

I have very limited contact with my own father, he left when I was a baby and I heard nothing from him till I was 16. He's a drunk, and whilst he went on to have another family with his next wife and I am eternally grateful to have two beautiful sisters, he doesnt sound like he would have been much cop as a dad anyway. We all understand that he doesnt have the capability to be a decent father and have our own separate relationships now they are adults and can.

I wont go into the ins and outs of my "relationship" with my father, if you can even call it that, its basically a few drunken phone calls, a couple of letters and a one week visit when I was 21 to see him that was like staying with strangers that you cant get comfortable with - but its not a father daughter relationship in any sense other than the biological one and unfortunately thats unlikely to change. I gave up hoping he would change a long time ago and have to accept my lot and just get on with it.

Your priorities are your immediate family, and by that I mean you, your DH and son. To be the best mum and wife you can be, you need to take care of your own needs, and if by that it means that you need to cut ties with your Dad, then thats what you should do.

I know the circumstances are very different but the need to distance yourself is the same. If you feel that it is right for you, then do it. You are not obligated by the same rules of family that existed not so long ago, blood might be thicker than water but when your skin has to be thicker than elephant hide to cope with their behaviour, then it is time to minimise the damage to yourself and make a stand.

Hugs x

 

[Jennyonaplate]

You have to do what makes you and your own family happy (your little one & OH). As you grow older relationships between family change, for example on my mum's side of the family, I'm very close to one aunt, wouldn't ever dream of speaking to my uncle, and only see my other aunt at family do's. I could beat myself up about what I should and shouldn't be doing, and whether i'm being fair to them all as they're all the same 'status' but life is too short.

If you want to maintain the relationship with your aunts, then it might take a bit of effort with your dad to stop their interfering. Could be something as simple as arranging to go and meet somewhere for a coffee, but if he doesn't feel 'left out' as such it might stop him trying to be so manipulative. Sometimes it can be something very simple that's causing people to behave as they do, and other times it can be very deep-rooted and part of their nature. The important thing is to live your life so that you're happy and will have no regrets.

If it were me, i'd try putting in a bit of effort for a little bit longer, and then if nothing changes at least you can say you tried.

You don't need to feel guilty about distancing yourself from people though - we're here for a long time on this earth, but life is still too short to spend too long trying to maintain destructive relationships. If it were a friend you wouldn't keep them in your life if they were behaving that way, so should family really be any different?

I do hope things work out for you.

 

[eternity]

I think that it's a very sad thing to break ties with your dad and all his family ( as you have suggested).
If you really feel that you can't cope with him/them any more then be sure that it's what you want. As difficult as he is, he is still your dad. Don't throw the realtionship away completely, maybe have certain rules or consitions that make staying in touch possible.

 

[MadameLaMinx]

It isnt necessary to break ties with the whole family, though, Eternity - It is perfectly possible to distance yourself from one person as long as you establish ground rules with the others that make it clear that you dont want this issue discussed, it is your decision and that unless you indicate otherwise, you are not interested in debating the issue.

If they then choose to take sides, well, that is their choice, but you can make clear that your door is still open to them should they change their minds but that you wont be changing yours.

It is sad, and I cried many tears when I went through these periods and often questioned whether I was making the right decision, but ultimately, it was a choice I had to make, for my own sanity. I couldnt live with the people they were, or the effect they had on me.

 

[elissa_and_neil]

I really feel for you, you poor thing

I've had some difficulties with extended family and the best advice I can give is to be honest. Families are far too complicated, get rid of all the emotional politics and be straight forward.

Perhaps send your Dad and your aunts an email, addressed to all of them explaining your position - you don't want to see your aunts if they're going to interfere, but you care about them and would hate to lost contact with them. Make it clear where you stand on your Dad, put the ball in their court. Either they can all abide by your rules of contact or unfortunately, for the good of your close family, you're going to have to stop seeing them. Make it clear the door is always open but that certain behavior is out of order.

Of course, every family is different and this direct approach may not suit, but at least this way you wouldn't feel guilty about losing touch with them. If you lost touch it would be their decision, not yours, and make it clear they can always come back into your life when they're ready to accept your point of view.

I really hope things work out, keep posting and let us all know how things go.

 

[elissa_and_neil]

MadameLaMinx, I totally agree. It's very healthy to set down guidelines in situations like this.

 

[Fatty_no_more]

thanks guys.
see they have even admited he is a hard person to get on with and hes even beaten them up in the past (he is a very violent man).

he does horrible things like with my sister because she didnt answer the door to her flat he parked his car across her drive and walked home so she couldnt get out to go to work in the morning that was the latest.

he lies. He forgets where me and my husband work and states he has fended off robbers and been in hospital when we know full well he has lied.

His sisters think his sh1t dont stink and thats fine as i am the same with my sister and brother but i wouldnt get involved in their childrens quarrels with them regardless of how they are.

I think for now i am just going ot ignore them all and only be civil when i have to at family parties etc.
xxx

 

[Little strawberry]

I don't speak to either my mum and dad, a situation that I don't ever want to change. I will even ignore them if they try to speak to me. I have lots of uncles and aunties and it has become a case of there are some I speak to regularly, some I only speak to at family occasions and 1 that I don't speak to at all. I speak to 2 of my siblings but not my youngest brother (his choice - he is a mummy's boy even at 21).

Most of my relatives understand that we can have a relationship which doesn't involve my parents although sometimes I do get comments like "don't you think it's time to make up?" etc. I've found that the relatives that actually mean something are the ones most likely to understand and be willing to keep in touch with you. If I were you I would give your aunties the choice - just make it clear that for the time being at least you would rather not have contact with or discuss your father when you speak with them.

Unfortunately families are a tricky business and there is often no "right" solution that won't cause somebody some upset. I hope you find something that works for you and your family xxx

 

[fillymum]

Your priorities are your immediate family, and by that I mean you, your DH and son. To be the best mum and wife you can be, you need to take care of your own needs, and if by that it means that you need to cut ties with your Dad, then that's what you should do.

I know the circumstances are very different but the need to distance yourself is the same. If you feel that it is right for you, then do it. You are not obligated by the same rules of family that existed not so long ago, blood might be thicker than water but when your skin has to be thicker than elephant hide to cope with their behaviour, then it is time to minimise the damage to yourself and make a stand.

Hugs x

How very well and clearly put and in my opinion the best advice possible.

You are your own family unit, your own nuclear family and that should be all that is important to you.

hugs xxxx

thanks guys.
see they have even admitted he is a hard person to get on with and hes even beaten them up in the past (he is a very violent man).

he does horrible things like with my sister because she didn't answer the door to her flat he parked his car across her drive and walked home so she couldn't get out to go to work in the morning that was the latest.

he lies. He forgets where me and my husband work and states he has fended off robbers and been in hospital when we know full well he has lied.

His sisters think his sh1t dont stink and thats fine as i am the same with my sister and brother but i wouldnt get involved in their childrens quarrels with them regardless of how they are.

I think for now i am just going ot ignore them all and only be civil when i have to at family parties etc.
xxx

Follow your own thoughts. Be your own judge but remeber nothing is more important that you and your husband and babe....nothing.


I am so lucky with my immediate family. I had a brilliant mum and dad and a wonderful childhood and family life.

The reverse side of the coin is DH's family. They are awful, just awful. I will not bore you with the hurt and the maltreatment of my lovely husband by them. We made the decision to cut them out of our lives. His mother very occasionally comes to stay and that is fine, but to be honest nothing is more important to us now that our unit, our relationship.

Life has been so much easier since we made our choice.

You be happy FNM. You have your own life now.