Yeah I'm Ok LJ, thank you
And thanks for the replies too
I've had very little sleep since Saturday and crashed and burned last night around 7 pm. I woke up about 02:30 and was pleased that I wasn't hungry lol. I'm not one to turn over and go back to sleep once I've woken up so I just got up and have been chillaxing (as they say) with 'me time' since - loving every second of that!
Good news on the work front. I had a little whisper yesterday that the new team I've been put into is the one I would have chosen to be in first! Considering there are going to be twelve different teams, I am so pleased about that - really made my day! There are one or two other issues (away from work) that I need to overcome but I am trying to make sure they don't derail me.
On the eating front, I made the decision Monday that I do eat too much and probably in the region of 25% too much. Yes I know I can eat all this 'free food' on the SW plan but it doesn't make it right. I've gotten this big because I've been (for years) eating too much of the wrong types of food...what that has done, again over the years, is lead me to have a huge appetite. This said appetite eventually led me to constantly 'graze' throughout any given day. On a typical day, when I was at my worst, I would get up...and eat the following: Breakfast (7 am) a HUGE bowl of cereal or 4 pieces of toast and I'd typically eat 1 piece of bread (butter + Jam) whilst I was waiting for the toast to cook...First break at work (around 10 am) a meal deal from Tesco. Lunch (around mid day) 2 huge sausage rolls + big bag of crisps + a pack of jam/custard doughnuts. Afternoon break (around 3 pm) chocolate in one form or another. Home about 5 pm and I'd cook a huge dinner - always unhealthy. From 7 pm - bedtime (sometimes as late as 2 am) I'd just keep visiting the kitchen to snack on crisps, chocolate, bread and whatever. I'm surprised I didn't start this journey at 30 stone!
I'm rambling......
The point is, although I have been eating the 'correct' type of food, I'm still eating to satisfy my huge appetite and when I'm not satisfying that hunger I'm sat moping around and cursing the fact that I'm doing the whole SW thing - which will mean that when I'm having a tough day, I am setting myself up to fail, to fall off the wagon then I'll put myself down for doing so, get 'depressed' about falling off said wagon and then I'll end up eating to comfort those feelings....and the whole cycle starts again. No more! The honeymoon period is over and the amount of food I eat is going to lessen and I really want that and not just because it HAS to but because I want this whole thing to work - I have to remain honest with myself.
Apart from my clothes fitting a little better there are other little things I'm beginning to notice about myself. It's almost as if I'm beginning to [very] slowly chip away at all this emotional baggage I've always carried around with me. It's very dim at the moment but I can just begin to see a tiny chink of light. I'm noticing small little changes in my mindset about myself and who I am and where I need to be.
I can see it for myself, from looking at my thread, that it's a bit up and down but during these extremely strong moments, as I am now, I have begun to notice 'things'. You see, the trouble with being so overweight is I've become someone else and not the person who I am, I've assumed a different identity I've taken on a personality which I believe gets me through everyday life, someone who I think I need to be so I'm judged as a person and not as some fat bloke who doesn't give a toss about himself. However, putting this facade aside, all I need to do is go and look in the mirror because all I see when I do that is some fat bloke who doesn't give a toss about himself.
You see, I don't wish to change per say, I just want to be who I really am. I can't be who I really am when I'm waddling around carrying over seven stone more than I should be or than I want to be. I understand that the most important part of my own journey is that my mindset follows and adapts as my excess weight goes. There's going to be no point in all of this if I still see, in that mind of mine, the same reflection in the mirror as I do now.
For now, I just need to keep reminding myself that I, yes I, am allowed to do well, that I'm worth it and I'm allowed to be happy, truly happy.
