Story thread

Joe Pasquales head! I couldn't believe the talented TV quiz show / comedian and alround entertainer was in Ikea!

He said he knew a song that would get on my nerves but I just laughed at him as he truely is a comedy genius!!

Anyway he said in that annoying high pitched weeny voice that he would help me catch Shaun!

We ran down the stairs together to catch Shaun and get back the slightly stale smelling golden fleece but just as I got my hands on the lambs tail I was suddenly kicked in the head by the blonde bombshell.....
 
Vanessa Phelps....in all her glory!

Oye!, what a waste of chocolate velvet she exclaimed and promptly got on her hands and knees and began licking it off the floor

meanwhile, Joe and i chased Shaun out of the revolving doors and into the carpark

at the top of the escalators Jack was catching me up, he had got his gold and emeral encrusted pirates dagger stuck in the lift doors, and was wedged between an KLOMPFT sofa and a NORDENSTROM dining table

the carpark was heaving with shoppers, it was........
 
the first time in years that I had seen one of those flip door cars from Back To The Future!! I think they were called Delorean or something.

Anyway back with the adventure!

Shaun the sheep was sprinting across the car park with his newly arrived sidekick "Mint Sauce".

I managed to grab Mint Sauce but Shaun got away! I then suddenly realised that I was late to place an order with Cambridge for the new delicious, yet nutritious and value for money Peanut Bar so I went home and called the order line.

Little did I realise that the order line was secretly a phone line to..........
 
the A team...but more about that later. after my inital panic about missing the CD order. i scribbled my order on the back a fag packet, with one of those littel stubby pencils ikea privide, and gave Joe strick instrutions to call HQ.

Jack had caught me up by then, he was hot and flustered and panting, buy Boy did he look f-ing gorgeous.

weres that blinkin sheep? he gasped

over there...heading down the subway, towards the canal.

right, then...lets go, he kissed my cheek, pushed his long dark hair behind his ears, took my hand and we ran, towards the subway.
 
Then I realise that Jack smelt! It wasn't a nice smell either, it was like a "hasn't washed for a year" kind of smell and to be honest it made me gag.

I realise that actually I preferred bald men who have loose skin than some "fly by night" hollywood hunk.

So I gave Mike a ring but it turned out that he was in the middle of............
 
I couldn't believe how much had happened since I woke up this morning:D

I suddenly realised how much fat was in sheep meet, no you damn fool Jack said we aren't going to eat the blighter just nick the fleece.

With this the sheep appeared as she thought we were going to risk breaking ketosis by eating her. I'm so relieved she said I was getting fed up as dressing mutton up as lamb.:p

Take the fleece its far to hot to be wearing it today anyway I've seen a tiniweeni yellow polka dot bikini in the Next sale so I'm off.

The sheep headed for the exit and the fleece lay at our feet suddenly................
 
sunbathing naked on a desert island secretly munching a family sized box of maltesers, he was hard to understand becasue as he spoke, he spat little flecks of honeycombe centre into the mouth peice

how do i catch a sheep? i cried

catcff iff wiff a noosffe

what?

catch it with a mousse?

no a noose, he replied

and prompty put the phone down, and opened his 2nd bag of dortios and dunked them in the blue cheese dip, he scrathed his privates, and then relaxed back into his sunlounger

meanwhile.... Shaun was
 
meanwhile back in the lift at Ikea, something very strange was happening. Jack had inadvertantly touched the sofa and table with his jewell encrusted sword and as he did so, he had muttered the magic words.

'this f-ing place is a f-ing nightmare i cant find my way out'

the dining table stretched its legs then bent them, like an athlete would before a marathon, and the sofa plumped its cushions, and the bottons in the back cushioned opened to reveal large dark eyes.

the lift doors opened, the dining table galloped out, quickly followed by the sofa, waddling awkwardly

back by the canal, Shaun had escaped and Jack and i finally had the golden fleece in our hands but....
 
the fleece was full of mites!! So we binned it and just agreed a rug would be better anyway.

We then decided that the best thing to do was to completely change everything so we jumped on a plane at Stansted heading for....
 
we realised it was full of fleas, we both started itching like mad, we put the fleece on the floor and it moved towards the lift of its own accord........
 
the palne was heading towards Nassau in the Bahamas, we figured if we could get to the carribean, we could get back to the ship, and live happily ever after.

unfortunaly, just as we were about to board the plane, Jacks mobile phone rang, it was his Nan, and she had lost her glasses and was in a panic
 
So I told her to get herself down to Specsavers, they do a 1 hour service that is excellent value, she did mention needing vari-focals which can take a bit longer so I told her to cut the complaining as I couldn't magic the woman up a set!

So on the plane we got! All was looking good until the air steward pulled out from his pocket....
 
The captain then came on the tannoy system and announced that he was having an affair with Wendy Richards AKA Pauline Fowler from Eastenders!

I couldn't believe it and even more bizarrely when I turned to my left I was sitting next to Pete Beale!!

So anyway when we landed we went down the Dagmar for a pint at which point Kathy stormed in the pub and demanded I....
 
came clean about the Zero coke

you dont drink it you fool, she cried in her cockny voice, you apply it to your skin. its called Zero cause it gives u Zero gravity, when applied to the arms and face you can float anywhere in the world

we took the can of Zero and smothered our arms and faces, amlost immedialty my feet left the fllor of the dagmars public lounge...
 
It was like a scene from Willy Wonka where Grandpa and Charlie floated around in the fizzy lemonade bit.

Also I noticed Kathy started to look like an oompa loompa!!

So anyway we floated out of the Dagmar and floated over to.....
 
the ikea carpark, where the dining table was galloping around in circles trying to herd up the shopping trollies, and the sofa was quiverring in the corner of the bus bay clutching the golden fleece like a comfort blanket

shaun was gambolling across the city refuge tip, with mint sauce and lamp chop in hot pursuit and in the distance moored on the Thames i saw....the balck pearl!
 
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