The last 2 days have been so busy, felt like I hadn't been on here for ages, cant believe it was only yesterday I weighed myself.
Ok, so I went in to locations yesterday and managed to stick with my shakes only, my lunch ended up being at about 3pm on the bus on the way home and I did have a skinny latte.
Came home and made homemade chips from spuds, cooked some pork steaks in BBQ paste and sweetcorn. No idea of the calories but it was yummy.
Completed 15 mins of Your Shape. It wears me out, so much raising your arms up and down. It makes me realise I have zero upper body strength. I dont like seeing myself on the camera either, have to look at myself properly this way.
I also completed about 15 mins of The Biggest Loser - I love this one so much more but cant tell OH that, he thinks I love Your shape.
Today went pear shaped. I had my yearly review with my boss and it snowed, so long difficult walk to school and no time for breakfast.
Met my boss at the business lounge of her hotel and no food available except some biscuits. I had about 4 but no proper lunch.
My review was quiet interesting. I am a trainer and have bags of confidence within my role but in order to develop I need to start dealing with the senior management team which I am not confident at. My boss is very good at reading body language and said whenever I am not confident, I hunch my shoulders, lower my body and put my hands to my head.
It was my review where I am supposed to sell myself to her, tell her I am great and what benefit my role has bought to the company, why she pays my wages each month and I couldn't do it. If I cant so that about myself, how can I help develop others?
It made me think about why I am not confident. Some of it comes from being a kid I think, I felt rejected my dad and I felt my mum and step family didn't want me, that I was an outsider, so I turned to food. I probably started getting over weight at about 7 when I moved schools.
I was bigger than my friends at school and was called fat, big boned etc but looking back now I was a size 12 so not huge. I had a disater relationship when I was in my late teens and this was when I was at my slimmest, I lost weight and was probably about a 10.I wore 29 inch waist jeans and still wrapped a jumper round my waist as I thought I was fat because he knocked my confidence and told me I was fat and ugly, no body would want me etc.
I fell pregnant and had my daughter and lost weight and was at about 11 stone which I still carried well. I felt tubby but still managed to wear a 14 so was ok with that then I dont know what happened. I gained all my weight back and more.
I then got this job and possibly gained about 1.5 stone in the first year of doing it. I think this is where a lot of my self confidence lacks. I dont feel smart in what I wear to work, I feel that everyone will stare at my size while training rather than listen to what I have to say.
Not really sure why I have written all this down. I hope it will help, that I can get over it all, feel happier and move on and lose weight and feel more confident.
Maybe I use the weight as an excuse for my lack of confidence and I could feel the same even if I lost the weight? Or do I think like this to stop me losing the weight, thinking whats the point, I'll feel like this happy or slim?
I dont know, head is getting confused now. I am off for an early night to stop me munching.
I had half a frozen thin crust pizza for dinner but it wasn't very nice and I dont really have an appetite so dont want to comfort eat.
Large glass of water and sleep
